If you’ve been reading this blog for some time, you know that our *big* ultrasound is tomorrow! We are so excited (I’m not sure how I’ll sleep tonight), but that’s not what I want to talk about right now. I’ve encountered the first time I think I’ve hurt my mom’s feelings while being pregnant and it has to do with this ultrasound.
Throughout my 17 weeks of being pregnant so far, my mom has never asked to go to any of our appointments. We call her right after each appointment to fill her in. After our first ultrasound we gave her a picture of our little “blob”.
I know that my mom is super excited about being a grandmother, especially since this will be her first grandchild. I try to make her a part of it as much as I can without actually inviting her to the appointments. I believe it’s something that should be shared between a husband and a wife.
And this certainly rings true with how I feel about the *big* ultrasound tomorrow.
Here is the conversation that took place today between me and my mom:
Mom: ”What time is your ultrasound and where is it?”
Jane: ” 830am and at xyz hospital”
M: “Would you mind if I went?”
J (to myself): Seriously, what?! How do I tell her no? How do I not hurt her feelings? Why would she ask this? Awkward.
J (out loud): ”Well mom, Tarzan and I wanted to share this special time between us two. I hope that you understand and aren’t mad at me. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
M: “OK, that’s fine.”
J: “Do you understand? How about if we meet up for dinner that night and we can show y’all the ultrasound picture and tell you all about it?”
M: “I have yoga.”
The end.
Hmm… I don’t know what to think.
A few things enter my mind:
First, I know that she’s just really excited about all of this. I’m her first-born and she always says, “My baby is having a baby.” So naturally this makes me feel a little guilty. Like should I really “rob” her of being part of this special time with her grandchild?
Second, she has done this two other times with her kids. Now I have no idea if my grandmother was present or not, but I know that ultrasounds were done 28 years ago. Just sayin’
Third, I wish she wouldn’t have asked. Now I’m worried that I hurt my mom’s feelings and that’s the last thing I want to do. We are close and with anything else, I would not care if she was there. Just not during the big ultrasound where we find out the sex of our baby. It’s a special time and I only want to share it with my husband. It’s our time and the beginning of our family. I think that’s more than okay to feel/want.
Fourth, I’ve called her twice and left one voicemail. I’ve heard nothing back. Nothing. Nada. No phone call. No text. Nothing. Maybe she is out, but it’s so unlike her to not have her phone with her. Now I’m just more convinced that I hurt her feelings and she’s avoiding me.
Fifth, I should stop caring so much about this. Yes, I might have hurt her feelings, but I’m doing what’s important to me and my husband. Even if my best friend asked to be present during this ultrasound, I would say no. There’s not one person, besides Tarzan, that I would even consider to be there. In my mind, it’s just not how I want it or picture it. I want to share it with my husband and that is that.
Note to Jane: Stop second-guessing your decision so much. You did the right thing and you need to stop trying to make others happy all the time. It’s not going to work out. You do what you feel is right and leave it at that.
I’m just keeping my fingers crossed that I don’t have to dodge the “Can I be in the room with you when you deliver” question. If so, I’m just going to give an excuse.
“Oh I’m sorry, but they only allow spouses/significant others in the room. There’s a limit.“
You might also want to read:
- 24 week ultrasound and the little boy’s looking just great!
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- 34 weeks pregnant: To do the 3D/4D ultrasound or not
- Yes, the rumors are true… There’s a penis growing inside of me!
- Normal feelings towards motherhood or something more serious like postpartum depression?
= a post from Mommy Jane 
= a post from Daddy Tarzan
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
You can look at it as training for standing up for yourself and your beliefs once the baby is born. I think you did a pretty good job of being fair and stating what you want/need.
I suspect that, tomorrow, when you have news and pictures, all will be forgotten.
And you do plan on sending a tweet when you find out what the baby is, right? I’ll be checking.
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It is your baby and your decision. We did not have anyone in on our “big ultrasound” either (his mom asked but….) You need to start setting boundaries now. You mom is probably feeling the more of the my baby is not a baby anymore and I am sure if hard for her to think you don’t “need” her. Trust me when everyone sees that precious little miracle all will be forgotten (until the first birthday– LOL)
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Ultimately it is your decision, your baby, and your life. For me, I would be honored to share that with my mom. I know if my daughter were having an ultrasound I would be so heartbroken if she didn’t want to share that with me. I can’t wait to have grandchildren (well, I can wait considering my oldest is 15). Everyone’s relationship is different, but my mom and I are very close.
Ooo I so get you with this one! Only we have had multiple anatomy scans, because our baby refuses to cooperate (seriously, we are on #5 on Friday and at 25 week!!), so I invited my mom to the last one, and now she just assumes she is coming to this one. Since this is our 5th attempt, trust me, the allure and specialness has worn off – lol. So it is fine if she is there, she just has to drive herself. Do what feels right for you, this is YOUR baby
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You can always offer to take her with you if you get a 3D ultrasound a little later. Have you thought about the delivery room? Because chances are she’s probably going to ask if she can be a part of that. If you don’t want her in the room with you, you should probably try to figure out how to address that when it arises. That being said, if you DO want her there, you can say “Mom, I’m sorry if you were upset about not being in the room for the ultrasound, but I’d love for you to be there for the birth,” or something of that nature. She’s probably a little hurt, but she’ll get over it. Babies have magical powers that way!
I applaud you on your honesty with your mum, it is very easy to become everyone elses property during pregnancy and to be honest this is probably not the last time this will happen.
She probably needs to communicate with you how she hopes the relationship develops between the two of you now that you are pregnant and what she sees as her role as grandparent should be.
I would leave things to settle for a while and then maybe try and speak to her and acknowledge the fact she appeared hurt and ask her what her motivation was for asking.
second to a wedding, pregnancy is one of those special mother/daughter sharing moments and she may be feeling a little vunerable and in a hurry to ‘bond’. This is the first time she has had the opportunity to acknowledge there is a new life entering the family but she isn`t carrying it. Remind her there is plenty of time for her to bond with her grandchild but deal with this issue now so that it doesn`t esclate.
Hey girl! You absolutely did the right thing here. Your mom is going through an identity crisis. She’s going to have to come to terms with the fact that she is the grandmother here and will no longer be privy to all the ins/outs of your life. This wont be the last time you hurt her feelings by doing something she doesn’t like and it won’t end with the birth of the baby. She’ll have all kinds of “suggestions” on how the child should be raised and things you should do/not do. Many of which are seriously out dated (speaking from experience).
I think it’s great that you want to share the pics and things with her, but this is YOUR family now. Lastly, I think it’s disgusting of her to put you in this position, you’re the pregnant one. To play this passive aggressive BS and stress you out is neither healthy for you or your little one. IMHO you need to confront her on this and let her know if she ignores you, avoids you like this that you will have to react by (insert your decision here). But attempting to make herself the center of your attention right now she is making this special time in your life stressful and unpleasant and that’s just not fair to you and your husband. If she can’t respect your decisions like an adult, I suggest you give your relationship with her a break for now.
They told me at the hospital, if I don’t want anyone in there that they would be the bad guy and say to anyone asking that those are the rules ! haha I don’t think it’s mean, it should be between you and your husband !
this is your decision and you need to do what is right for you and your spouse. don’t worry about what your mom (or anyone else) thinks or says. as long as you and your spouse are on the same page, you are good! thanks for your honesty in sharing this, I will keep you guys in my thoughts and prayers tonight as you wait to see your little miracle tomorrow!
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I went through the same thing– with both the “BIG” ultrasound and the whole, “can I be in the delivery room with you” question. It was awful to say no but I just wanted to share those moments with my husband. I looked at it like this, I needed to put my foot down now, during the pregnancy moments, otherwise I would always give in to the pressures of my mom and mother in law when it came to raising our babies. I think you did the right thing and I am sure that your mom will understand eventually, if she did in fact get her feelings hurt.
PS– I ended up inviting my mom and M-I-L to a later ultrasound just to make them feel apart of things. It wasn’t that bad…but to the “BIG” one…no way.
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Jane,
I can see it from your point of view as well as from your moms. But you did the right thing! As other posters said, you are setting the boundaries for your own new family…you, Tarzan and baby! You are a family unit, and while your mom is very special and important, she will have to learn to respect your boundaries.
Once this incident is over, you might ask her about how her relationship with her mother changed when she became a mom. You can gently explain that there are just certain things that are important for you and Tarzan.
As long as your talking, you might want to go ahead and open up the L&D discussion. Have you created a birth plan yet? If you just want Tarzan there, then put that in your birth plan and have your doctor sign off on it. Use him as an excuse with her if you need to. But don’t wait too long for that talk with your mom!
She should understand your desire to share this with your husband alone. I totally agree with you and what others have said here. This is your gig, and you are in charge. Your mama will understand, even if she is not happy about it right now. She’ll have lots of years to be a grandma
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I can’t really add anything more than the others have said. it’s your baby, your decision. She will eventually get over it. After all, if she doesn’t, she’ll miss out on her beautiful grandchild and that’s something I’m sure she won’t want to do.
I shared with you via twitter my story, but I’ll share it for your readers here. My mil was crazy (well, IS crazy, lol). While I was in labor, literally minutes from giving birth to our youngest son, she called the hospital. (Keep in mind we were 24 hrs and 4 states away.) The nurse kept trying to put her off, but she kept calling. Eventually the nurse came in and told us she was on the phone. I almost killed my husband with the look I gave him when he reached for the phone. Anyway, he tried to tell his mom that there was no news, since I was currently about ready to give birth, but she wouldn’t give up. I started screaming at him to hang up the phone (and almost called her a nosy b***h) and that I needed him. He told her once again that he had to go and when she insisted, he hung up on her. Oh, boy, did that piss her off! She called back to yell at the nurse and demand they put her through again. They were smart and hung up on her, too!
So, anyway, it has nothing to do with an ultrasound. But I wanted to let you know that there are worse things, lol. At least your mom isn’t crazy like my mil!!
Good luck tomorrow! Look forward to your tweet
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I’m super close with my mom so I couldn’t imagine not having her with me. At my last ultrasound we had hubby, father-in-law, my mom and Adia. My mom and father-in-law were back up in case Adia flipped out. She fell asleep instead. Will they be with us at the next ultrasound, probably not. I can understand how you feel though. I don’t particularly want my mother-in-law at them, but only because she won’t keep her mouth shut.
As for the delivery room. My mom and hubby were there. I can’t imagine having it any other way, even the next time. My mother-in-law kept trying to come in and was there several times. I felt bad for her, but seriously, stay out! This time, it better only be hubby, mom and possibly Adia. I’m still debating that one, but I think she’d want to be included. We’ll see.
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You did the right thing and then some. You weren’t mean about it, but you held firm and that’s important. Trust me, it’s going to happen again.
My mother-in-law wanted to come to the ultrasound and be in the delivery room. I was fundamentally opposed to both and luckily so was my wife. But we compromised and we asked both my mother and my mother-in-law to come to a future OB appointment where they could listen to the heartbeat. And yes, my mother-in-law wanted to be in the room for the delivery and my wife didn’t want her there, but didn’t want to feel like the bad guy. So I had no problem stepping in and telling her thanks, but no thanks. That’s an unbelievably special moment and I believe it should be shared with a husband and a wife. I could NEVER picture my mother-in-law in that special of a memory.
Stick to your guns, you’re doing great and setting a good precedent.
Why don’t you want your mother at the delivery???
Your choice, but…why not?
I know your mom is great and you love her a lot. But this is a good time to start setting some boundaries. It may not feel comfortable, but there are going to be other times in the future when you’re going to want it to be just your little one, you and Tarzan. For example, Xmas morning. Lots of grandparents want to be there Xmas morning and have a hard time letting go of that.
Anyway, good luck, you’re doing the right thing.
You have to stick with your own wishes on this Jane. I have to say though– I hope that my daughter wants to share these things with me one day. I was so thrilled that my mom was able to be in the delivery room with us when I had my second child. I know everyone is different though. In my situation, my mom had never seen a child being born (all 5 of us were born via C-section) and I wanted her to experience the wonder of it. One of my best memories of that day was looking over and seeing the amazement and raw emotion on her face when my son was placed on my chest. I’ll never forget that.
I do say go with how you feel about it….but remember that wonderful experiences aren’t any LESS wonderful if you share them with more people:-) Especially if they are people you love.
Just a thought.
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Ditto, ditto, ditto. It’s training for being The Mom, The One With Whom The Buck Stops, later. Quick story — ended up on bed rest with first baby (we have 4 — I got really good at it!) and my mom came to take care of me and the house. When they took me off rest and meds, no baby. We waited a couple weeks, then it started to get a tad, ahem, annoying, having her around while I was able bodied. I asked her to go home, since we were good. Put her on a plane the afternoon of July 14th, my son was born the next day. Oops. And yet, she got over it. Eventually.
(PS — do you guys still need goodies for your giveaway? We have a little store …)
To be honest, I’ve never had to deal with this type of situation with my mother. If anything, she was almost too respectful of my wishes. She knew what I wanted and supported me in every decision. That’s what parents do, support their children. Not get upset about something that has nothing to do with them. Besides, as so many other people have already said, this isn’t about her, it’s about you & the family that you are building with your husband.
I don’t quite understand why that generation of mothers seems to be so wrapped up in being around for every ultrasound, appointment, labor & delivery, etc. Is it because their parents weren’t there for theirs? My parents & my in-laws were in the waiting room during my son’s delivery because frankly, miracle or not, I didn’t want anyone to see me down there other than the man who put me in that situation.
As for the second child, no one even knew I had had the baby until 1-2 hours after delivering my daughter when we decided to call everyone. It was so much more relaxed that way! I honestly think that is one of the big reasons my son did not nurse very well. He came out, they cleaned him off, weighed & measured him, and my MIL took him. I didn’t get a chance to nurse him til he was 4 hours old! My daughter on the other hand came out & I nursed her within 20 minutes and she was and is a champion nurser. I got the bonding I so desperately needed. There was no pressure to show off the baby. It was an intimate time for my husband & I, just as it should be. I also had post partum depression with my first, & I really do think it has a lot to do with my bonding experience right after his birth.
If your mother loves you like it sounds like she does, she will respect and support your wishes. If she doesn’t, I really hope she knows how much she’s hurting you and causing you unneeded stress and changes her outlook.
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Not to mention my mother & I are amazingly close & I am her only daughter amongst 3 sons.
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Wow! I think this is the most comments I’ve had in such a short amount of time! I feel so special!
Just wanted to say thanks to all of you that commented on this blog. I really appreciate your stories, points of view, and also reassurance that I did the best thing.
It’s such a tough situation because I am close to my mom. I think she’s fabulous, but even though we are close, I still only want it to be me, Tarzan, and our little baby. It’s really important to me, so I’ll be sticking to my guns. Maybe I’ll understand what it’s like when I’m a mom of a daughter.
Roxanne – The contest has been closed now. We have tons of good things to give away, but we plan on doing another contest sometime in the future. If you would like to be a part of that one, just keep following our blog – It will be announced when it’s the time to seek more prizes to give away.
Hey FormerlyMac – Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I like that we are similar in that we are both close to our moms, yet don’t think it’s necessary to have them included in the ultrasound, etc. I’m so with you on the delivery thing and only wanting my husband. One of my cousins invited the whole freakin’ family in her delivery room, which I personally think is extremely bizarre. Or maybe I’m just a prude, not sure.
Hopefully when I talk to her tomorrow everything will be forgotten and no other questions like this will be asked in the future. It just creates very awkward situations!
Sarah – I want my mom to be at the delivery, but just not in the room as I’m delivering. Hope that makes more sense now!
Good for you Jane… it’s okay to speak up and say what you want. It’s an important skill as a mom, and it’s great that you’re honing it now.
It was just myself and my husband (and our midwife and surgical staff…LOL) when my daughter was born. I would NEVER, EVER do it any other way. It was an incredibly intimate moment… he took care of me. He took care of our baby girl while I was being stitched up. It was the beginning of our little family, not a time for anyone else.
Like my mom said… “There were only two of you there when this pregnancy started, so it should just be you two when it ends!”
It is definitely your decision & that conversation didn’t sound bad at all. Me personally I’d let my mom come to my ultrasounds but probably not the “big” one. Me & my mom are very close & my husband knows that (kinda annoys him in a way that we always talk I tell her everything). I just try to think about it if it was the other way around– I wouldn’t want HIS mom there so why should mine…it is his baby to, LOL! I did tell her that I wanted to get a 3D/4D ultrasound done at 27 weeks & she could come to that if she wanted.
I’m so glad my mom hasn’t asked to come with me
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I totally understand this and I think I managed to tick off my husband’s entire side of the family this second time. With my first, we had people in and out of my room during my 26 hours of labor and both of our mothers were there for the delivery.
This second time (2 1/2 months ago. Man, time flies!), we told everyone that we weren’t calling anyone until the baby arrived and we got to spend some time with her as a family. We’d worked out arrangements with my mother to keep my oldest while we did the labor and delivery gig. My parents brought her to us after we called, snapped a couple of pictures for us and left until we called them again to come to visit.
It worked out nice and quiet. Perfect for us, but his family makes everything a family affair and I think they were a little miffed that they were excluded until we made the call. It just seemed important to us that we and our older daughter got to meet our newest addition before everyone else.
I can see why she would be hurt but don’t think you did anything wrong. This is a big (and personal) moment for you and Tarzan.