Wednesday, December 2, 2015

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Our baby is not a fruit! Enough already! A Father-To-Be Fights Back.

by Tarzan · 12 comments

baby-size-fruit-blueberryOver the last few weeks, Pregnant Jane sends me little emails about the size of our baby. And each and every single week my soon to be son or daughter is compared to the size of a piece of fruit.

We go from: baby pea, to baby blueberry, to baby raspberry, to baby olive, to a stinkin’ prune, all the way to a watermelon!

Give me a break!

You might as well put little images of fairies and butterflies around the fruit and have Kum By Ya playing in the background while a video plays of a woman giving birth, smiling and laughing making it look like nearly splitting your body in half is an enjoyable thing to do and it’s something everyone should be doing because it feels good!  Seriously!

Fruit?  FRUIT?  You’re daring to compare my baby, my work of art, my absolute finest creation, the fruit of my looms, my pride and joy, my living breathing undeniable proof to the world that yes, it is true, my boys really can swim… to a fruit? 

You’ve got quite the nerve; quite the nerve I tell ya.

Update!  The Soon-To-Be Father’s
Guide To Baby Sizes Week By
Week Is Now Available!
Go to: Fruit-free baby size guide

Continued from above….

I mean seriously, why not put it into terms that a guy can understand?  I mean at least something we can relate to for crying out loud.

You know that our wives are forwarding us these crazy emails you keep sending them, right?  Do you even have the slightest clue as to the pure hell you put us through each and every single time you send one of those emails to our wives?

For the next week I have to listen to, “Oh, our baby is a blueberry.  Let’s call the baby, baby blue this week.”  Or, “Awwee… baby is the size of an olive now.  Let’s call the baby Ollie this week.”  Come on people.  I know what you are up to here.

You are toying with our woman’s emotions here.  You already know that no matter what you showed them a picture of, even if was a stinking coffee cup instead of a naval orange, they’d still be all over it and forwarding us those damn emails every single week after week after week after week…

But no.  You chose fruit and you chose fruit for one reason – and one reason only.

baby-fruitBecause the person who created this whole “baby size compared to a fruit” thing is a woman.  And behind that woman are many other women who have all banned together to create a secret society called the Pregnant Man Society, which abbreviated spells no other than P.M.S.

The mission of P.M.S. is to do whatever they possibly can to make the lives of the husbands of pregnant wives as miserable as humanly possible.  They do this by secretly imbedding the images of the fruit with hidden messages that only a male can subconsciously see.  

These secret hidden messages plant seeds deep within the subconscious mind which in turn activates the male pregnomanlia glands, which of course make men develop sympathy pains, they become more willing to go on ‘craving runs‘ at 3 AM, they’re more than willing to rub backs and feet for hours on end, and they can now put up with the bitchiest of bitchy moments when their wives hormones are flaring hotter than a massive solar flare.

In other words, the P.M.S. is out to get men back for their roll in impregnation.  They of course knew that the images of fruits would be forwarded to the soon-to-be fathers every single week by their wives.  The constant repetition for weeks on end wears guys down and by the time the baby is born, the father is a brainwashed zombie.

That my friends is why I’m here today.  I’m here to save MANkind from the evil forces of P.M.S.  It’s time we take a stand against P.M.S. and their evil plan.  It’s time that we fight for our rights as soon-to-be fathers, and as men.  

And it’s time that we gave them a dose of their own medicine.

baby-monkeyOver the last several weeks I’ve been working on reverse engineering the hidden code within the images of fruit we’ve all be comparing to the size of our baby.  And last night gentleman, I finally cracked the code.  

I have developed a reversed clone of the baby size fruit list and added in my own psychological mind triggering subliminal messages hidden deep within the images that only a woman can see.

After forwarding the images I’ve developed to them, it’ll only be a matter of time before everything kicks in.  Before you know it, they’ll be massaging your feet, rubbing your back, and even rubbing your belly.  And if you want a snack at 3 AM, your wife will be more than happy to run out and get you whatever you need.

That’s right fellow father-to-be’s… everything is going to reverse and YOU’LL be the one getting all of the attention for once.  Oh, and almost I forgot the best part…  

It turns the switch to their sex drives back on and kicks it into high gear during the first trimester and beyond.  Having to go without for weeks on end will be a thing of the past, my friends.

So get ready… I’ll be launching the new list of baby sizes week-by-week for fellow father-to-be’s within the next day or two or three.

This is going to change everything… This is what we’ve all be waiting for.

Hold onto your hats.  Be on the lookout for my post about it.  You’ll know which one it is when you see the title.


P.S… Jane is going to kill me for this post… and ESPECIALLY the post I’ll be posting in a few days!

You might also want to read:

  1. Tarzan’s Ultimate Guide To Baby Sizes Week-By-Week For Soon-To-Be Fathers
  2. Father-to-be thoughts about first times and last times.
  3. Another father-to-be realization: Learning the sex of our baby makes things REAL.
  4. 17 weeks pregnant belly and guess the sex of our baby!
  5. Father-to-be woken up at 5 AM with severe chest pain… Pregnancy stress?

Facebook comments:

{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Jax

I’d rather have my baby compared to something similiar in shape. I know many fickle chics out there would be grossed out by the thought of their 16 week pregnancy being compared to the size of a ‘rat’ but it makes more sence than an apple which is round and hard? The fruit thing is stupid.

2 Alli

I’m sure that has to be a little frustrating, but as a mommy-t0-be I find it really interesting and comforting to know the size of my baby in comparison to something with which I’m familiar –like fruit and veggies! It’s hard to understand as a guy I guess, BUT there are some sites that compare the baby’s hand size to the size of an average hand, and I’ll bet that’s a little easier.

My boyfriend of 5 years is ecstatic about our baby but one thing that bugs HIM is the whole “weeks” thing. He thinks it’s silly when women say “weeks” for everything instead of saying months & half-months. It’s easier for women to say “weeks” because things change SO MUCH from week-to-week. I’ve heard the same from a couple of other guys, how about you?

OH! Here’s the page where they give the hand size in relation to a woman’s hand… It’s the 16 wks page because that’s my gestation right now :)

3 Ha!


4 Tarzan

Hey Ha! Thanks for stopping by. Absolutely it is! A gas cap or a shoe beats a hot dog or a chicken breast any day! Ha! Ha!

5 Ha!

so a fruit is bad, but its ok to compare the “work of art” to a gas cap or a shoe?

6 Nicola Ries Taggart

That’s so funny. This week my monthly email said our 19 week baby is as big as a bell pepper!

7 jennessa

All I’m gonna say is “oh no”

8 Tarzan

@Peta… Oh yes, I am on a rampage. lol

@Jane… I can’t wait for you to see what I’m working on. :) It’ll be my turn to send you emails every week. he he he

@Daddy Files… Thank you! I think you’re really going to like what I’m creating. It’s something that I think all guys will greatly appreciate.

I agree with everything you said, especially about the food and gaining weight. However, knock on wood, I’ve actually lost weight since Jane has become pregnant. That must be because most nights I eat cereal for dinner. However, I am a little shocked about that still because I’ve had a slight ice cream addiction that I talked about on a previous post:

I’ve eaten several gallons of ice cream – much more than Jane!

And as a side note, Jane think I’ve officially ‘lost it’ because of my post above… little do women know what it feels like to be on this side of the cage. It can be sad, lonely, and sometimes us father-to-be’s have a little too much time on our hands to think about and come up with crazy things like the above. :)

9 Daddy Files

I like the blog and yes, I was annoyed with the girly comparisons when my wife was pregnant too. How about “Your baby is the size of a golf ball” or “Your baby is the size of a hockey puck?” I’d wish you luck in changing the natural order of things, but as someone who just went through this I’d suggest acclimating yourself to the fact that you play second fiddle during a woman’s pregnancy. And something else no one tells you…when you’re running out for weird take out food at all hours you’re much more apt to grab some from yourself. So even though she starts to balloon up because she’s got another human being growing inside her, all of a sudden you gain 15 lbs from all the collateral damage.

None of that stuff is ever in the pregnancy books, probably because there are about 4 total books for guys on the subject.

Keep blogging and I’ll keep reading. Glad I found you guys.

10 Jane

You sound just a little crazy. There’s no way I’m running out to buy you anything at 3am unless you suddenly have a uterus and have a baby growing inside of you! Ha, ha. Too funny. I’ll be sure to send you even more fruit compared to size of baby kind of emails, just because I know that you secretly like them.

11 Peta

Wow Tarzan,

all that fruit talk must of really ticked you off,

Msg to self: don’t compare our baby to fruit and tell my man about it

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