Our baby is not a fruit! Enough already! A Father-To-Be Fights Back.

Over the last few weeks, Pregnant Jane sends me little emails about the size of our baby. And each and every single week my soon to be son or daughter is compared to the size of a piece of fruit.

We go from: baby pea, to baby blueberry, to baby raspberry, to baby olive, to a stinkin’ prune, all the way to a watermelon!

Give me a break!

You might as well put little images of fairies and butterflies around the fruit and have Kum By Ya playing in the background while a video plays of a woman giving birth, smiling and laughing making it look like nearly splitting your body in half is an enjoyable thing to do and it’s something everyone should be doing because it feels good!  Seriously!

Fruit?  FRUIT?  You’re daring to compare my baby, my work of art, my absolute finest creation, the fruit of my looms, my pride and joy, my living breathing undeniable proof to the world that yes, it is true, my boys really can swim… to a fruit? 

You’ve got quite the nerve; quite the nerve I tell ya.

Update!  The Soon-To-Be Father’s
Guide To Baby Sizes Week By
Week Is Now Available!
Go to: Fruit-free baby size guide

Continued from above….

I mean seriously, why not put it into terms that a guy can understand?  I mean at least something we can relate to for crying out loud.

You know that our wives are forwarding us these crazy emails you keep sending them, right?  Do you even have the slightest clue as to the pure hell you put us through each and every single time you send one of those emails to our wives?

For the next week I have to listen to, “Oh, our baby is a blueberry.  Let’s call the baby, baby blue this week.”  Or, “Awwee… baby is the size of an olive now.  Let’s call the baby Ollie this week.”  Come on people.  I know what you are up to here.

You are toying with our woman’s emotions here.  You already know that no matter what you showed them a picture of, even if was a stinking coffee cup instead of a naval orange, they’d still be all over it and forwarding us those damn emails every single week after week after week after week…

But no.  You chose fruit and you chose fruit for one reason – and one reason only.

Because the person who created this whole “baby size compared to a fruit” thing is a woman.  And behind that woman are many other women who have all banned together to create a secret society called the Pregnant Man Society, which abbreviated spells no other than P.M.S.

The mission of P.M.S. is to do whatever they possibly can to make the lives of the husbands of pregnant wives as miserable as humanly possible.  They do this by secretly imbedding the images of the fruit with hidden messages that only a male can subconsciously see.  

These secret hidden messages plant seeds deep within the subconscious mind which in turn activates the male pregnomanlia glands, which of course make men develop sympathy pains, they become more willing to go on ‘craving runs‘ at 3 AM, they’re more than willing to rub backs and feet for hours on end, and they can now put up with the bitchiest of bitchy moments when their wives hormones are flaring hotter than a massive solar flare.

In other words, the P.M.S. is out to get men back for their roll in impregnation.  They of course knew that the images of fruits would be forwarded to the soon-to-be fathers every single week by their wives.  The constant repetition for weeks on end wears guys down and by the time the baby is born, the father is a brainwashed zombie.

That my friends is why I’m here today.  I’m here to save MANkind from the evil forces of P.M.S.  It’s time we take a stand against P.M.S. and their evil plan.  It’s time that we fight for our rights as soon-to-be fathers, and as men.  

And it’s time that we gave them a dose of their own medicine.

Over the last several weeks I’ve been working on reverse engineering the hidden code within the images of fruit we’ve all be comparing to the size of our baby.  And last night gentleman, I finally cracked the code.  

I have developed a reversed clone of the baby size fruit list and added in my own psychological mind triggering subliminal messages hidden deep within the images that only a woman can see.

After forwarding the images I’ve developed to them, it’ll only be a matter of time before everything kicks in.  Before you know it, they’ll be massaging your feet, rubbing your back, and even rubbing your belly.  And if you want a snack at 3 AM, your wife will be more than happy to run out and get you whatever you need.

That’s right fellow father-to-be’s… everything is going to reverse and YOU’LL be the one getting all of the attention for once.  Oh, and almost I forgot the best part…  

It turns the switch to their sex drives back on and kicks it into high gear during the first trimester and beyond.  Having to go without for weeks on end will be a thing of the past, my friends.

So get ready… I’ll be launching the new list of baby sizes week-by-week for fellow father-to-be’s within the next day or two or three.

This is going to change everything… This is what we’ve all be waiting for.

Hold onto your hats.  Be on the lookout for my post about it.  You’ll know which one it is when you see the title.

Tarzan

P.S… Jane is going to kill me for this post… and ESPECIALLY the post I’ll be posting in a few days!

You might also want to read:

1. Tarzan’s Ultimate Guide To Baby Sizes Week-By-Week For Soon-To-Be Fathers
2. Father-to-be thoughts about first times and last times.
3. Another father-to-be realization: Learning the sex of our baby makes things REAL.
4. 17 weeks pregnant belly and guess the sex of our baby!
5. Father-to-be woken up at 5 AM with severe chest pain… Pregnancy stress?

Tagged as: baby, Father, Husband, Pregnancy Week-By-Week, pregnant