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35 shocking facts 18 weeks of pregnancy has taught this pregnant girl.

by Jane · 61 comments

Pregnancy not only gives you a belly, but a butt as well.18 weeks of pregnancy down and I am quickly approaching the halfway point.  I figured this would be a good time to reflect on the past 18 weeks my belly has been growing and growing and share some often unspoken shocking facts I have learned since becoming pregnant.

Maybe I missed the memo that the Pregnant Fairy left on my pillow the night Tarzan impregnated me.  Or maybe these are lessons that every pregnant girl has to learn the hard way.  Either way, it’s been one heck of a learning curve at times!  And that’s why today I bring to you my 35 shocking facts 18 weeks of pregnancy has taught me.  So let’s dive in!

1.  I’ve seem to have sprung a vagina leak.  The thoughts of wearing grandma underwear and panty liners 24/7 dance around to the tune, “Don’t go chasing waterfalls” in my head.  Is it really necessary that almost every hole I have should leak?  That’s just not fun.

2.  Veins are popping out of boobs like crazy.  Like you can trace my vein on my boob with your finger crazy.  Either my boobs are working out and lifting weights while I sleep or they’re going to be some incredible 24/7 milk producing machines.  At this rate, I’ll have one happy, satisfied, and full baby boy.

Showering when pregnant sounds exhausting at times.3.  Hygiene seriously lacks. Sometimes I’m so tired that I don’t wash my face before I go to bed at night.  Sometimes, like today, I don’t brush my teeth until 2:24 pm.  Sometimes I have greasy hair.  Sometimes I only shave because I can’t stand how long the hair on my legs has gotten.  As gross as all of these things are, I’m (sadly) perfectly ok with it.

4.  I pee a ridiculous amount of times per day.  I pee more in a day now than I peed in an entire week all together.  Our water bill has increased ten-fold because of all the flushing going on around here.  One of my bad habits is to go to the bathroom and then tell Tarzan that we are out of toilet paper.  He hates it. 

5.  Not only is my belly growing, but so is everything else.  My arms, butt, thighs, and body parts I didn’t even know I had are getting bigger by the day.  This cannot be a good thing.

6.  Hormones are beyond out of control.  Just ask my husband Tarzan.

7.  I cry about everything.  I cry over commercials.  I cry over TV shows.  I cry over seeing someone do something nice for an elderly woman at the grocery store.  And I cry over the fact that I cry so much.  I’ve officially become lame.

8.  Forgetfulness flows through me like the sand through an hour glass.  The days of my life can be summed up in two words: Pregnant Brain.  I had something funny to also write here, but I forgot what it was.

Pregnant sex is not what I thought it would be.9.  Sex. Oh yeah.  Although I’d love to say that since becoming pregnant, sex is hot, steamy, incredible, and frequent, sadly it happens about as often as sequels are released for the movie Titanic.  

10. Laziness has become my middle name.  But so has sleep, nap, do-nothing, relax, and chill out.

11.  Food has become an obsession. I swear that Taco Bell and McDonald’s are making commercials just for me.  And no matter how much I eat, I’m always hungry again 30 minutes later.  Sorta reminds of of eating sushi pre-pregnancy.

12.  Social life.  What social life?  That went out the window shortly after getting pregnant and I’m often asleep on the couch by 8:30 and in bed by 9:00… Friday and Saturday nights included.

13.  My constant sneezing has become a way for Tarzan to keep track of where I am in the house at all times.  And this isn’t the cute sneeze like I used to have.  Oh no, this sneeze is extremely loud and it’s best to have a kleenex on hand for the huge amount of snot that flows out of my nose.

14.  Everything has a smell.  I can smell the tile, Tarzan, the garbage in the kitchen, our dog, our couch, the TV, and the flowers in the other room all at the same time.  I’d either make a great super-sniffing super hero or I could replace a few drug-sniffing dogs police use.

15.  Bitchiness.  Don’t mess with me.  My hormones are ready to go into battle at a moments notice… and I never lose.  Really.

My dog loves being near me since getting pregnant.16.  My dog is attached to me like a cell phone on a 15 year-old that loves to text.  She must be next to me at all times now.  Too bad she won’t hop in the shower with me though, she could use a bath soon.

17.  Even though I am growing a baby, I still don’t like the fact that I’m gaining weight in other spots than my stomach.  Why didn’t I luck out with one of those awesome bodies that doesn’t gain weight so easily?  Damn genes.  

18.  Google isn’t always a pregnant girl’s friend.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked something up and based on what I read I’d swear I was either going into labor or that I had a rare disease only found in red frogs in the Amazon jungle.  No joke.

19.  Most maternity clothes are as flattering as me wearing a Snuggie everywhere I go.

20.  Fitted pregnancy shirts seem to work better than the flowy kind.  At least you can tell I’m pregnant and not just really fat.  And this is ALWAYS a plus.

21.  Pimples suck.  What am I, a teenager again?  Well, shoot, even as a teenager I never had acne.  Pimples and pregnancy seem to go hand in hand for a lot of us.  Who would have known that pimples could grow into your hairline and on your head?

22.  People want to touch my belly, even though it’s not a huge bump yet… and I do not like this.  My belly is my belly.  Your ass is your ass.  Just because you have a bubble there doesn’t mean everyone who walks by can touch it.  Hands off my bump!

23. I get into fights over nothing sometimes with Tarzan – over stupid things.  If he forgets to put a new trash bag in the trashcan  after taking it out, God help him.  He’s in for a pregnant woman hormone outburst like he’s never seen.

I'm definitely having an epidural.24.  People are extremely noisy.  I know that they care for the most part, but I don’t care about your advice, your name choices, or how it was 20 years ago when you were pregnant.  If I wanted to know what it was like, I’d ask you.  And for God’s sake, the last thing I want to hear about is how you were in labor for 30 hours and you wanted to die.  Or how you pooped on the table.  Or how you tore so badly.  Or how your baby had problems.  Or how sex is just not the same.  Or that the epidural didn’t work.  Yea. Thanks for telling me that.  Bitch.

25.  Now that I’m pregnant, other pregnant women feel it’s OK to talk to me about their dark nipples or leaky vaginas.  And for some strange reason this keeps happening over lunch or dinner.  True story.  The last thing I want to be thinking about while pouring gravy on my mashed potatoes is your leaky vagina thankyouverymuch.

26.  It’s easy to make friends in dressing room hallways with others who are trying on maternity clothes.  We have this new common bond.  It’s like we’re all meant to be BFF’s to bond over how awful some maternity clothes can be.

27.  Wearing fun heels is still do-able, but I know it will become all but a distant memory soon enough.  I don’t know what it is about being pregnant and my feet being different.  The same heels I wore pre-pregnancy that fit my foot just fine then, make my feet hurt like hell every time I wear them now!

28.  Dreams while pregnant can get a little wild at times ranging from nightmares, to puppies, to normal sex, to bisexual sex (for the record, I’m a straight girl) :)

29.  Migraines.  Enough said.

I get out of breath easy since becoming pregnant.30.  I get out of breath doing just about anything now.  Stairs?  Forget about them.  Show me the nearest elevator.  What?  No elevator?  Carry me.

31.  The wonderful sneeze and pee.  It’s bad enough that I’m sneezing all the time now, but to have to worry about some pee escaping each time I do, is truly something I’d rather live without.

32. My areolae have begun their attack on my boobs.  At this rate, I fear that my entire body is slowly turning into one big nipple.

33. Nausea and morning sickness are far worse than what “they” tell you it’s like.  I compare it to having the worst hangover you’ve ever had and feeling like that for 24-48 hours at times.  And then waking up the next day and starting all over again… and again… and again…

34.  My pregnancy gas is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.  It’s frequent and according to Tarzan, studies should be done on a pregnant woman’s gas as it may be an effective weapon to fight wars and crime.

35.  Finally, the infamous pregnancy glow that you hear about is a bunch of bullsh!t.  It hasn’t happened yet and I seriously have doubts that it ever will happen.  Seriously.  At this rate the only thing that will be glowing on me is my stomach when the light hits it just right because my skin will be stretched out as far as it can go!

You might also want to read:

  1. 37 weeks pregnant: Reminiscing about my pregnancy
  2. 19 weeks pregnant belly pictures: Jane’s Pregnancy going great!
  3. Who says this pregnant girl can’t have cake for breakfast?
  4. Shocking New Pregnancy Trends, Forecasts, Graphs, Thoughts, And Pens.
  5. Pregnancy craving for Girl Scout cookies – I need and want you! Come find me.

Facebook comments:

{ 60 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Mel

Jane – Thank you for the best blog I’ve ever read online re pregnancy… Your a killer comic with a straight attitude to life…. Amazing read – Thanks for the truthful laugh… Made my day!!

2 Lola. O

your list is so funny.

3 MoDLin

Too funny, too true! Thanks for the memories. Looing forward to more.

4 Tarzan

LOL @ Momma of 2… I’m not sure if you are being serious or you’re trying to be funny. But just in case, I think you may have misunderstood Jane. You may not have read our previous posts… we are often a little blunt and real. I mean seriously. How many husbands blog about their wife’s fart sounds and smells? (See the most viewed blog post.)

Besides that, neither Jane nor I would ever call anyone who comments on our blog “bitches”.

This makes me laugh.

In # 24 Jane was talking about complete strangers coming up to her and feeling the need to share some crazy details with her. It of course has nothing to do with this blog. This is different. We welcome comments with open arms and appreciate people taking the time do to so.

However, I have been with Jane when someone has done this to her. And it’s not good. I’ve had to calm Jane down more than once or assure her that something they said won’t happen to her. It’s no fun and amazes me that people would do things like that to Jane or anyone else who is pregnant. I have a word for them… but it’s not as nice as Jane put it. ;)

Sorry you took Jane the wrong way – but I can assure you… don’t think people who leave comments on our blog are bitches. That would make posting on this blog completely pointless.

This is funny. LOL

5 Vicki

Doesn’t seem to have stopped very many. And for the record, I agree. Horror stories are a terrible thing to inflict on a first-time pregnant mom. It’s overwhelming enough already

6 Momma of 2

WOW.. No. 24 .. People are not going to want to leave pregnancy comments to you if you call them bitches ya know…

7 Stephanie

I know you don’t want to hear it….but your post was hilarious. I know that someday you will look back on it and find it funny…..really you will.

Maybe #16 happens because of #34 :-D

Your post should be required reading for all teenage girl having sex or thinking about having sex!

8 Lee Ann

I can sympathize. I am 15 weeks along with my second child and I tell you what most of things that are happening to me this time around did not happen the first. I cannot stop sneezing. At first I thought it was cold – well 4 weeks later it is still happening. An my skin is so itchy. I think the only symptom I missed was the morning sickness – which I am not going to complain about.

Good Luck!

9 HolyCrapImPregnant

i feel you on the dream thing. the other night i dreamt that i was shaving my 3y/o neice’s back hair.

10 Judith Brown-Fonger

I’m at 21 weeks, and I’d find #2 through #35 much more bearable if only #1 would go away.

11 rosana

bwah! laughed out loud! in particular, 1, 8, 24, 32…first baby?

are you here now?

can’t wait to read the next! :-)

12 bessie.viola

#2 – Wait until you’re innocently tracing one day and milk appears (this doesn’t happen to everyone, though). It was a little weird at first, but my GOODNESS are boobs amazing! I have a whole new respect for mine. :)

#24 – People are SO ridiculous. I don’t even have to tell you how annoyed I got, I’m sure. I was told so many horror stories, and my biggest fear was the c-section. Of course I ended up with a c-section, and the horror stories? Ridiculous. Was not the most fun I’ve had, but it was a fairly easy recovery. I have no idea why women want to scare each other!

13 Erica

I’m with you 100%.
As for getting larger in places other than your belly… My newest development is my inner thighs getting so large that they now chafe when I walk too far…. maybe that’s why I’ll be starting to waddle soon?

14 Kellie

#33 is the best birth control on the planet for me. I’ve now had two children and suffered through 24/7 nausea for God knows many many months as a result and there is NO way I’m doing that again! The only way I made it through it the second time was knowing that I didn’t have to do it again. The biggest shocker for me was that I could lose weight while being pregnant and STILL GET BIGGER. How on earth does that work?!?

15 Chuck

As a dude, I can relate to #15 and #25. Man, don’t mess with pregnant chicks. Oh yeah, wait till your feet start swelling. Tarzan better start massaging those plump bad boys.

16 BOWquet

you remind me of me when I was pregnant. lol

17 deepwaterscoach

Just wait until you get further along and people feel compelled to tell you how huge you are. Like you ever, EVER want to hear that, even if you are preggers.

I love what you say about people patting your belly–I HATED it when people felt the freedom to do that! Excuse me, but my belly doesn’t bust through my personal space bubble. My personal space bubble expands w/ my belly, so keep your mitts off!

You’ve found the best way to survive all this: keeping your sense of humor intact. I wish you much joy as you continue this journey toward meeting your baby face-to-face!

18 Lesley

Yeah Jane!!!!!! You are telling it like it is! My favorites are 8, 13, 20, 23, 31 and 32….okay so I love all of them!!!!!!! Thank you for making me laugh today….keep it up!

19 beagle

Hang in there honey. I feel your pain. I dreamed my dog was a taco while I was pregnant and morning sickness was like the worst case of food poisoning EVER times 5! *hugs*

20 Drama

This site is amazing and hilarious! The Graphics are awesome!

21 MonkeyMama

haha too funny! they are all SO true!

the sneeze and pee is the worst but made a new appearance this week with my cold as the “cough and pee”…not impressed

the acne is HORRIBLE…i thoroughly feel like im a 13 year old boy or something and of course you can’t use anything for it…boo! i’m impatiently waiting to be clearly pregnant with the belly so people can just say “oh..she’s pregnant” instead of thinking “wow..she needs to wash her face more and stop eating at the all you can eat buffet” the worst part is when people say something about it… my army company commander actually said “wow…those hormones are really screwing with your complexion”…thanks … super sweet!

16 weeks and counting :)

22 Michael

I have really good news for you. A couple of reports are indicating there may be some economic “rough waters” currently, and ahead. From what I am hearing at hospitals, fewer people are having babies as a result.

According to Malcolm Gladwell in “Outliers”, the most successful people are generally born when there are fewer babies. It means less competition to get into good schools, less competition for good jobs in the future, etc. So congratulations!

23 Tori M.

24 weeks and counting here :) You are so right on about EVERYTHING. There is so much “they” don’t tell you. Like your back killing you all the time, no matter how you sit, stand or lay. Or the waddle factor. Have you gotten that yet? My mother actually nicknamed me “waddles” and “quackers”, whichever she feels like calling me that day. (I think it’s payback for her being so big with me.)

I will tell you some good news, is that my sneezing/coughing issue has actually stopped now that my baby has moved off my bladder. However, he does know where it is 24/7 and has no problem playing the bongos on it whenever he pleases.

The pregnancy “glow” is actually all that lovely face and hair grease that doesn’t wash off with any amount of any face wash.

I agree that most maternity clothes are ugly. I have had the hardest time finding stuff that isn’t gray or black. It’s like now that I’m pregnant, designers think that I don’t need to wear color anymore. Old Navy has cute stuff, and occasionally so does Target.

Have you checked out the Due Date Clubs at yet? You will find many girls to commiserate with there as well! :)

24 Elisa

LOL! I have a serious case of #7 and #18 combined. I called my fiancee a couple of times hysterically crying, positive that I have this condition that I just read about on some website. And #21.. another reason to cry: My back and face is a serious teenager acne zone. “Pregnancy glow” is definitely not happening to me..
Myssiing is right. “What to expect” helps a lot! Anybody else has crazy itchy skin?

25 Tracey

I’m 21 weeks into pregnancy #2 and somehow everything I learned last time counts for nothing! Your post was hilarious and comforting. Even though I’m 32, none of my friends have had children yet so it’s nice to find someone out there who can share a laugh over the ridiculous process of human reproduction.

BTW about the morning sickness, if you take 1/2 a unisom sleep tab (active ingredient doxylamine succinate – important!) and 50 mg of vitamin B6 you may find it helpful. It’s sold as an actual pregnancy anti-nausea drug in Canada (diclectin) and is FDA classified as pregnancy category A . I would have died this time without it, or at least really wanted to die. I don’y mean to be a budinski but nobody should have to feel like throwing up for months on end.

26 Vicki

LOL. My youngest is about to turn 18, and I remember ALL of the above like it was yesterday. The only good thing about it is that it will soon be behind you ;)

27 Ally/Miss-Mae

Hey, I’m one of your new Twitter followers,

Just wanted to say that this was a really interesting read. I’ve still yet to have a child, but three of my friends are pregnant with their firsts as well, so learning about what it’s actually like (since I know the Hollywood version is complete BS :P ) is really interesting.

I like that you made a lot of this more humorous, too. Thanks for that.

Hope things continue to go well for you! Take care! :)

– Ally

28 Myssiing

TRUTH. All of it. And it only gets better. What’s really helped me out is and “What to Expect”. I think I may have gone mad by now without those two. Also, my doc is excellent, and tells me about all the pregnancy myths that I can drop out of my head.

For instance, as long as you don’t have more than 300mg a day, you can have caffeine. (Ref. #29) I can still have my Starbucks frappucinno or my Pepsi, and not feel bad about it. Check that out for other drinks and their caffeine content. :D

29 Angel Ishmael

Oh my GOSH!! I agree with you 100%
You couldn’t have said it any better!
17 weeks pregnant and counting :)

30 Leah

#28… I’m 26 weeks pregnant. Last weekend I woke up Sunday morning from a dream that I was having a hot threesome with Dylan and Kelly from the old 90210. Then I made the mistake of telling my husband about it when I woke up.

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