Preparing for fatherhood: Do I freak out now or later?!

OK, I admit.  I’ve always been one to get freaked out holding a baby.  I mean they’re just so fragile and I always have a fear of dropping it.  I wonder if all guys get freaked out?

I also have a weak stomach.  I heard that a baby’s poop is unlike anything else in the world.  It smells like… well, I heard there is no ways to describe it.  

It’s the worst smell in the world I hear.  And what if the baby cries?  Or throws up?  What if i cry and throw up seeing the baby cry, poop, and throw up?

So yeah, it’s crazy when I think about it.  I’m going to be a father.  I’ll have to raise a child and make sure he or she doesn’t do all of the wild and crazy things I did when I was growing up.

I mean I have so many questions.  Like what if my wife is out shopping or something and I’m with the baby at home and she or he has projectile diarrhea ad it starts shooting everywhere, all over the house?  I heard that can happen you know.  It actually happened to one of our friends just the other day.

Now that freaks me out.  Anything ‘projectile’ shooting out of anyone’s body is enough to make my stomach churn.

Oh yes.  And what about when Pregnant Jane delivers our baby?  Man, I’ve thought a lot about that.  Babies are big.  Vaginas are small.  I’ll be essentially witnessing a watermelon being squeezed through a hole the size of the cardboard tube that holds paper towels.

Blood and other stuff shooting out everywhere.  I can’t even look at my own blood being drawn when I’m at the doctors without getting light headed and sick to my stomach!  Why do I have a feeling that as soon as I see the head start to come out, I’ll end up flat on my back on the floor passed out?!

But, everyone says I’ll be fine.  They say that “it’s different when it’s your wife and your own child being born”.  Well, I hope so. It’s not like I want to pass out and miss all the action.  And I think Jane has even asked me to record it on video!?  What the!?  Now why in the hell would I want to do that?

That video would end up being the ultimate birth control.  She’ll see that and say, “Hell no!  I’m never going to go through that again!”  Before I know it, they’ll be a three-foot board set up in between us in our bed to keep me away.

Diapers.  I heard you go through a ton of them.  How many times does a baby need to be changed in a day?  3 times?  4 times?  I have no idea.  I mean am I a normal guy when it comes to this stuff?  Or did I miss a class somewhere during high school?  Does everyone learn this stuff just by doing it?

Man… hormones.  I hear that Jane’s nausea and morning sickness will go away sometime in the second trimeter.  It’s really a mean thing to do to us guys you know.  The woman’s boobs get bigger and bigger and we have to stay further and further away from them.  What’s up with that guys?  We’re getting robbed here!

This whole look but can’t touch thing got old after the 3rd or 4th week of pregnancy.  Do they always stay so sensitive throughout the pregnancy?

I mean seriously, will I ever be able to touch them again?  Before we know it, Jane will give birth to our child and right then and there I have to start sharing… or, well, give up on the boobs all together.  Hey, I’m an only child and I’ve never been a fan of this whole ‘sharing’ thing anyway.

So here’s my plan…  I can have one and the baby can have the other.  It’s a compromise.  And I think that’s fair.

Oh, and as you can see, Jane started to post on our wonderful pregnancy blog we’ve got going here.  Welcome to the blog beautiful!  Glad you’re feeling better and glad to see you posting.  :)  I know she’s got a ton of post coming to you over the next few days, so get ready… she’s a typer!  And a good one at that!

Since I’ve been updating the daily happenings, I’ll also add here that I went on another pregnancy run today.  I need to think of a better term for those… Anyway, Jane wanted me to get 5 strawberry blow pops, Tylenol, and Dr. Pepper.  Yes, she is watching her caffeine intake, don’t you worry.

But she had a borderline migraine last night and a really bad headache for awhile today.  Since she can’t take migraine medicine, she can take Tylenol and down some Dr. Pepper to get some caffeine in her.  Pills for migraines contain caffeine, which helps the headaches go away.  Did you know that?  I didn’t until recently.

OK. Enough for now.  Oh, one last thing…

I can’t wait until we start to get visitors to our blog and especially visitors to our Pregnancy Forums and Message Boards.  It’ll be cool to chat with other soon-to-be fathers to see if they are as clueless as I am!

You might also want to read:

1. Another Fatherhood reality hits me on the head with the force of a cruise ship going full speed.
2. We don’t have a kid yet- already I can’t sleep and wake up at the crack of dawn!
3. Fatherhood Slaps Me Across The Face Like An Escaped Wild Monkey Searching For Bananas
4. 11 weeks pregnant: we heard the heartbeat for the first time!
5. Father-to-be woken up at 5 AM with severe chest pain… Pregnancy stress?

Tagged as: baby, Boobs, Father, Husband, Pregnancy