Truly The Absolute Strangest, Weirdest, Most Wild Experience With Pregnancy Hormones EVER. Future Fathers Be Warned. This Is A True Story.

Pregnancy week 19.  What have I gotten myself into?  I usually have no problem coming up with words to explain something as you have seen in several of my pregnancy blog posts.  However, I’ve sat here spacing out in front of a blank screen for the last ten minutes trying to think of how I can explain what happened to me this evening.

The only term that I’ve been able to come up with to explain what happened is “hormone hurricane“.  I’ve never seen or experienced anything like this in my life.  I was inches away from losing it myself.

I guess the only way to explain what happened to night is just to tell you how it all want down.  Here’s what happened…

It all started when Jane and I went for a walk this evening to go get the mail.  I admit, I was wanting to rush back a bit because of a phone call I had to make and all the things I had going on at that very moment that I wanted to get back to.

When we returned home, Jane and I talked, but I could tell something was a little wrong.  We chit-chatted for the next hour or so while working on our computers and things seemed OK.  We then talked about dinner and when we should start making it and Jane said that she’ll take a quick bath so I can finish what I was working on and we’ll make dinner after.  I said OK.

After awhile I heard the tub draining and I got up, went into our bedroom, and asked Jane if she wanted me to get the grill going.  Instantly I noticed something was up by her tone.  *uh oh*.  She said no, it’s too late and I said OK, we’ll figure out something else to have.

Jane went on to say how it would be nice for me to surprise her with dinner and how I should have done that tonight.  Oh no I thought… this is one of those Jedi pregnancy hormone mind warping tricks.  I knew I was in for something big tonight… but I had no idea on how BIG that the something would be…

I explained to Jane that she said she was going to take a bath and that after the bath we would cook dinner.  I reminded her that she had suggested it and I agreed.  She said that I should have started cooking the chicken on the grill while she was in the bath.  I attempted to reason with her and explain that if I did that, all we would have to eat is chicken.  We wouldn’t have anything else because she usually makes the other stuff while I cook chicken on the grill.

At that moment I realized that the best thing that I could do was leave the room and escape for a few minutes hoping her pregnancy hormones would calm down.  Ha.  I had no idea what was about to happen…

A couple of minutes later she came out into the kitchen and I asked her what was wrong – it seems that she had something on her mind since coming back from the walk.  She then brought up several things, including things from years ago.  (Guys, you know what I’m talking about here… when this happens, you’re usually in for a BIG fight/argument/disagreement whatever you want to call it.  It’s never good.  Ever.)

Uh oh.  Actually, the words were, “oh shit“.  It’s been a good week or more since Jane’s pregnancy hormones have kicked in.  I knew I had to choose my words carefully.  But for some reason those pregnancy hormones starting throwing some fastballs at my head.  Many of them.  From our walk today, from the fact that the trash needed to be taken out, from things from a year ago, things from years ago, dinner, and so on.  I was not a happy camper.

After I mistakenly asked why in the heck she was bringing things up from years ago – and what in the heck the trash, dinner, our walk, things from years ago have to do about anything, I was already in hot water.  I immediately put my foot in my mouth.  I stood in silence for a few minutes – which drives Jane crazy when her pregnancy hormones are kicking into gear.  Come to think of it, me talking also gets them into high gear…

After a couple of minutes I asked Jane what she wanted for dinner.  We agreed on cereal, the ultimate pregnancy stand-by.  Then the next thing happened which immediately caused a giant red flag go up in my head.  I got the bowls down from the cabinet, I got the cereal out of the pantry, and I got the milk out of the fridge without saying a word.

I then walked over the the drawer with the spoons and asked Jane, “would you like a big spoon or a little spoon?”  I had my spoon in my hand and I was ready to grab the size of spoon Jane wanted.  ”No thanks, I’ll get it”, Jane said to me.

I was frozen in my tracks for a moment trying to make sense out of this little situation.  ”Oooooo KKkkk”, I said.  I then asked her which cereal she wanted.  ”No thanks, I’ll get it”, she responded.  At that point I kept my mouth shut, made my own cereal, and asked her if she wanted me to keep the milk out.  She said no.  By this point I knew something VERY strange was happening and I had a feeling that something even stranger was right around the corner.

I went into the living room with my bowl of cereal and ate about 1/2 of it before Jane came in and sat down.  After about 2 minutes, Jane asked me, “Why do you ask what’s the matter with me when you don’t want to hear the answer?”  I sat there frozen for a moment.  I then opened my big fat mouth and went on about how I did want to hear, but then I was hit with about 10,000 other things that had nothing to do with what was the matter.   We went back and fourth a bit and I began to get angry.  Whoops.

Things got silent again.

“Why won’t you answer me?” Jane asked.

“Answer what”, I replied.

Jane sat for a moment.  ”Answer what?” I asked again.  ”I can’t remember.”  A moment later she restated the above question about why I ask her what’s wrong when I don’t want to hear the answer.”

Oh God.  I wanted to crawl into a hole or turn into a tiny fly and fly away.  Pregnancy hormones were kicking into a new gear I’ve never ever seen nor heard even existed.

After a few minutes of Jane and I talking I realized that the both of us were not making any sense.  I realized that we were talking about what we were talking about what we were talking about.  See?  Makes no sense.  I put down my cereal and said that I am totally clueless as to what in the hell we’re talking about.  None of this was making any sense.  I began to feel like I was losing it as my mind raced trying to make sense of what in the heck was going on.

Then, the pregnancy hormone hurricane came crashing into my shore as a category 5 direct hit.

Jane started crying.  ”I just want you to be nice to me!”  I looked at her and she started to laugh.  ”I am being nice to you”, I said.  She started to cry again.  Then she started to laugh again, more loudly.  Then I started to laugh realizing how crazy all of this was!

But then Jane started crying again,  ”Why are you laughing at me!?”

“WHAT THE &$%!!!” I said as I put both hands on my head.  I’m not laughing at you at all, you’re laughing, so I started laughing, and now you’re crying, and now I don’t know what to do!  I can’t win.  I seriously can’t win.  These pregnancy hormones are making ME go crazy.  I feel like I’M going to lose it!” I said.

I looked down at my spoon in my cereal bowl while thoughts of how I could use it to end my misery fill my head.  Stab myself in my ear?  My eye?  Shove it up my nose?  Swallow it?

Jane started crying again for 5 seconds and then began laughing again.  And laughing.  And laughing.  Then crying.  Then laughing.  The whole time I kept a straight face and kept looking straight at the couch in front of me.  I was frozen like a deer in headlight.  Frozen like ice in a sub-zero freezer.  Seriously.  Frozen.

After awhile I looked at Jane.  Her laugh turned into crying.  I picked up my bowl of cereal and took a bite and looked over at Jane.  She looked at me and REALLY began to crack up laughing like crazy… and laughing… and laughing.  I put down my cereal bowl because I was having a hard time trying to keep a straight face and was afraid to spit milk everywhere.

I looked forward again with my deer in headlights pose.  I didn’t know what on earth to do.  I looked over at Jane and she started to cry again. I began to laugh, which made her laugh again.  ”What in the hell do I do here!?  I’m going to end up in the funny farm!  At this rate, we’re both going to!  What am I supposed to do!?  If I look at you, you cry.  If I look away and look back after awhile, you laugh.  I’m starting to flip out!!!”  I covered my mouth with my hand so she wouldn’t see me laughing.

“I don’t know if I should be crying right now or laughing”, I said.  Well, my hand was over my mouth so it sounded like I said, “I won woa woa won won wa wona wa”.  That set Jane off again and she began the next round of the most intense laughing I’ve ever seen her do.  EVER.

FINALLY, her laughing and crying fit was over.  I sat there for a moment and asked her if she wanted some cereal.  She said yes.  I then got up, got her a bowl of cereal, gave it to her, got my computer, sat down, opened up this blog, and she said, “don’t be weird to me”.

I forgot to mention that somewhere in the middle of the crying laughing hormone hurricane I actually got up to get our camcorder to record this whole thing.  Damn battery was dead.  Man.  I would have totally uploaded that to YouTube and posted it here so soon-to-be fathers can see a pregnancy hormone hurricane in action… so you can see that these really do exist.

Truly, this has been the absolute strangest, weirdest, most wildest experience with pregnancy hormones I’ve ever, ever had.  Whoa.  Man.  That took so much out of me.

There is absolutely NO winning when it comes to pregnancy induced hormone battles, gentleman.

For a guy, it’s the absolute strangest feeling in the world.  Nothing is making sense around you.  You feel like your whole world is caving in.  You can see the windows and doors all around you, but there is no escape.  If you talk, you lose.  If you are silent, you lose.  If you are nice, you lose.  If you raise your voice, you’re DEAD.

Pregnancy hormone outbursts and hurricanes make no sense.  You never know when they are going to pop up, which makes pregnant women the absolute most dangerous species in the world.  There is nothing you can do.  There is no reasoning with them.  It’s like… like… the woman who you love, the woman you married, the woman you had sex with to impregnate her is gone.  Within seconds she’s taken over by this evil alien creature from another planet that is set out to destroy your mental stability.

These alien creatures are immune to any form of attacks; both silent and verbal.  And once they set their sights on you, you’re as good as dead.  There is nothing you can do to escape.  There is nothing you can do right.  And God forbid, if you forgot to take out the trash, she’s going to rip you a new one – on top of shredding several other new ones in places where you don’t want any.

Sadly, the only thing you can do while your wife is having a pregnancy hormone hurricane is be the best punching bag you can be.  Prepare for blows above the belt, below the belt, and with the belt.

And whatever you do… never, and I mean never feed a pregnant woman after midnight.

P.S… Before this was published I asked Jane to read this post to make 100% sure she was OK with it.  She laughed out loud many times while she read the above and not one tear was shed.  Thank God.  I think I survived the hurricane… tonight anyway.

You might also want to read:

1. Pregnancy emotions gone wild: Jane cried this morning and I just want her to know…
2. These stupid pregnancy hormones are making me crazy and mean
3. For an instant hormone flare-up, just add a pinch of pregnancy and a dash of husband.
4. Pregnancy making emotions run wild
5. 21 weeks pregnant: Pregnancy hormones strike again. Location: Sephora

Tagged as: Father, Hormones, Pregnancy, pregnant, week 19