Jane is officially 39 weeks pregnant today and over the last few weeks I’ve learned some new pregnancy terms that I would have much preferred never hearing or learning. Seriously, a bloody show? A mucus plug? And how about that shocking lightning crotch?
Maybe it’s just my weak stomach when it comes to these things, but my vote is that these terms GOTTA GO! What was someone thinking when they thought up the pregnancy terms: “bloody show” or “mucus plug” or “lightning crotch”? I have a feeling that some sick and mean father-to-be invented these signs of labor and pregnancy terms!
So today, I’m officially going to change the names of these terms to be a little easier on my stomach. And who knows, maybe they’ll catch on and help other father-to-be’s out there who are right where I’m at on this subject. So let’s dive in.
Pregnancy term to ban # 1: The Bloody Show
This is horrible. If I wanted to see a bloody show, I’d rent the movie, “Texas Chainsaw Massacre“. Seriously, the term “bloody show” shouldn’t have anything to do with the wonderful world of pregnancy. I’m not even going to tell you what images come to mind when I think of the bloody show. All I’ll say is that the mental image I have would require mops, buckets, gloves. towels, and a carpet cleaning bill through the roof!
Seriously. I have no interest in seeing a bloody show. Jane and I don’t watch horror movies because she’ll have nightmares for weeks after. This term gives me nightmares! So what exactly is the bloody show? Read about it here on WikiPedia. They say it’s a “passage of a small amount of blood.” The two key words is a SMALL AMOUNT here!
What kind of show is a “small amount”? That’s like a 3 minute TV show. An infomercial even. I would not call a small amount of anything much of a show. So today, I’m officially renaming the term bloody show to….
The Stop Sign.
Why? Because it’s red and because if it happens, you better stop whatever you are doing and call your doctor and/or go to the hospital! I’d much rather Jane yell out to me from the bathroom, “Tarzan, let’s call the doctor, I think I’m having a stop sign!”
The fall-back term I thought of here would be, “The Show Stopper“.
Pregnancy term to ban # 2: Mucus Plug
I covered this one a little in Jane’s recent blog post about the signs of labor during pregnancy. Or, as Teresa commented on the signs of labor blog post, “ripened cervix”. LOL! The term mucus plug freaks me out! Seriously! ”Mucus plug” really causes some horrible images to swim around a man’s head you know. To imagine this thing… this slimy, oozy, ball of who knows what just falling out of your wife’s vagina is extremely damaging to any guy I would think!
On top of damaging the way I feel about my wife’s vagina, the mental image I have for this one is just as damaging. When I hear the term mucus plug, I imagine Jane getting out of the shower while I’m in the bathroom brushing me teeth. I hear Jane say, “oh no!” and I look over and I see this huge ball of slime plop out of her vagina onto the floor, and it starts rolling around everywhere.
I then spend the next 10 minutes chasing this mucus plug around the house and finally get it to run out the back door. Yes, I imagine the mucus plug to unplug itself and run away!
I guess the correct term is, “cervical mucus plug” and you can learn about it here. So, let’s get this pregnancy and labor term banned from the pregnancy dictionary, shall we? As I mentioned in the signs of labor during pregnancy post linked above, I have some ideas on what we can all start calling this ball of body juice.
The first idea is to rename the mucus plug to, “The Baby Stopper” because once it falls out, it’s not too long before your baby will be following the same path that your “baby stopper” did. And the second is to rename the mucus plug to “The Internal Cork”. This one is my favorite. A cork popping makes me think of happy things. Champagne toasts. Celebrations. Parties. Fun.
I’d much rather have that mental image. It’s nice and what the end of pregnancy should be – Celebrating the coming birth of your baby! So when you lose your internal cork, tell your husband, “Honey, my internal cork just popped, I think it’s time we get this party started!”
Pregnancy Term # 3 to ban: Lightning Crotch
Ummm… Seriously? Using the term lightning crotch around your husband is one of the worst things you could possibly do to him! OUCH! Whenever Pregnant Jane tells me she has lightning crotch, I immediately imagine jumper cables hooked up to a car battery, and the other end of the cables hooked up to my baby makers!
They immediately start to ache when she tells me she has lightning crotch! This is a term that MUST be banned from every woman’s pregnancy and labor terms they use. Sure, you can tell your girlfriends that you have lightning crotch, but seriously, this really is the last thing you want to tell your husband! Images of getting your coconuts electrocuted is enough to cause any man to keel over in excruciating pain just thinking about it!
So what in the heck is lightning crotch anyway? Well, for the sake of mankind, I went ahead and just asked Jane what it is. She told me that lightning crotch is a pain in your vagina that feels like you are being jolted by electricity and it’s not comfortable AT ALL. I asked her if it hurts. OH NO. I should have just asked that.
She said, “Well of course it does! Do you want me to shock your penis so you know what it feels like?” Ahhhhhhh! There goes that horrible mental image again! OK… let me catch my breath and clear my mind here…
As far as the cause of lightning crotch, I have no idea. And to be honest, I’m not asking Jane any more questions about it. If I do, I’ll end up going to the fridge to get a bag of frozen broccoli to put on my manhood!
So let’s QUICKLY forever delete the pregnancy term, “lightning crotch” from the english language to save all men in the world from ever having to deal with the horrible mental images and groin pains.
I propose that the term lightning crotch be changed to…. Pregnant Tingles. Pregnant tingles sounds nice. If Jane was sitting on the couch and said, “Hey Tarzan, I’m having some Pregnant Tingles”, I’d smile and say, “Oh boy! That’s another sign that Baby Tarzan is on his way!” I’d be excited and have images of me holding and playing with Baby Tarzan. Nice mental images. Happy ones. Pregnant tingles means happiness.
So for the love of your husbands, I urge you to start using the new terms above. Bottom line: The term “bloody show” scares us. The term “mucus plug” makes us scared of your vagina. And the term “lightning crotch” makes our coconuts ache!
P.S…. We are giving away a Babies R Us gift card to one lucky winner in our new contest! All you need to do us guess the day and time Baby Tarzan will be born. Whoever guesses right or is the closest will win the gift card!
P.P.S… Beautiful Pregnant Jane, Happy 39 weeks of Pregnancy today! Love you!
You might also want to read:
- Signs of labor? 39 weeks pregnant and the bloody show or mucus plug arrived today
- Jane’s contractions at 39 weeks pregnant and we appreciate all of you. (Especially last night!)
- Blog Contest Update: We will host a LIVE show to broadcast the winners!
- Signs of labor during pregnancy: Bowel movements, cramping, and spotting, oh my!
- Live Video Broadcast of Contest Winners. Tonight at 6 PM CST.