Thursday, April 17, 2014

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Bloody show. Mucus plug. Lightning Crotch. Pregnancy and Labor Terms I Really Could Live Without Hearing!

by Tarzan · 22 comments

mucus plug during pregnancyJane is officially 39 weeks pregnant today and over the last few weeks I’ve learned some new pregnancy terms that I would have much preferred never hearing or learning. Seriously, a bloody show?  A mucus plug?  And how about that shocking lightning crotch?

Maybe it’s just my weak stomach when it comes to these things, but my vote is that these terms GOTTA GO!  What was someone thinking when they thought up the pregnancy terms: “bloody show” or “mucus plug” or “lightning crotch”?  I have a feeling that some sick and mean father-to-be invented these signs of labor and pregnancy terms!

So today, I’m officially going to change the names of these terms to be a little easier on my stomach.  And who knows, maybe they’ll catch on and help other father-to-be’s out there who are right where I’m at on this subject.  So let’s dive in.

Pregnancy term to ban # 1: The Bloody Show

bloody showThis is horrible.  If I wanted to see a bloody show, I’d rent the movie, “Texas Chainsaw Massacre“.  Seriously, the term “bloody show” shouldn’t have anything to do with the wonderful world of pregnancy.  I’m not even going to tell you what images come to mind when I think of the bloody show.  All I’ll say is that the mental image I have would require mops, buckets, gloves. towels, and a carpet cleaning bill through the roof!

Seriously.  I have no interest in seeing a bloody show.  Jane and I don’t watch horror movies because she’ll have nightmares for weeks after.  This term gives me nightmares!  So what exactly is the bloody show? Read about it here on WikiPedia.  They say it’s a “passage of a small amount of blood.”  The two key words is a SMALL AMOUNT here!

What kind of show is a “small amount”?  That’s like a 3 minute TV show.  An infomercial even.  I would not call a small amount of anything much of a show.  So today, I’m officially renaming the term bloody show to….

pregnancy mucus plugThe Stop Sign.

Why?  Because it’s red and because if it happens, you better stop whatever you are doing and call your doctor and/or go to the hospital!  I’d much rather Jane yell out to me from the bathroom, “Tarzan, let’s call the doctor, I think I’m having a stop sign!”

The fall-back term I thought of here would be, “The Show Stopper“.

Pregnancy term to ban # 2: Mucus Plug

mucus plugI covered this one a little in Jane’s recent blog post about the signs of labor during pregnancy.  Or, as Teresa commented on the signs of labor blog post, “ripened cervix”.  LOL!  The term mucus plug freaks me out!  Seriously!  ”Mucus plug” really causes some horrible images to swim around a man’s head you know.  To imagine this thing… this slimy, oozy, ball of who knows what just falling out of your wife’s vagina is extremely damaging to any guy I would think!

On top of damaging the way I feel about my wife’s vagina, the mental image I have for this one is just as damaging.  When I hear the term mucus plug, I imagine Jane getting out of the shower while I’m in the bathroom brushing me teeth.  I hear Jane say, “oh no!” and I look over and I see this huge ball of slime plop out of her vagina onto the floor, and it starts rolling around everywhere.

I then spend the next 10 minutes chasing this mucus plug around the house and finally get it to run out the back door.  Yes, I imagine the mucus plug to unplug itself and run away!

I guess the correct term is, “cervical mucus plug” and you can learn about it here.  So, let’s get this pregnancy and labor term banned from the pregnancy dictionary, shall we?  As I mentioned in the signs of labor during pregnancy post linked above, I have some ideas on what we can all start calling this ball of body juice.

The first idea is to rename the mucus plug to, “The Baby Stopper” because once it falls out, it’s not too long before your baby will be following the same path that your “baby stopper” did.  And the second is to rename the mucus plug to “The Internal Cork”.  This one is my favorite.  A cork popping makes me think of happy things.  Champagne toasts.  Celebrations.  Parties.  Fun.

I’d much rather have that mental image.  It’s nice and what the end of pregnancy should be – Celebrating the coming birth of your baby!  So when you lose your internal cork, tell your husband, “Honey, my internal cork just popped, I think it’s time we get this party started!”

Pregnancy Term # 3 to ban: Lightning Crotch

lightning crotch during pregnancyUmmm… Seriously?   Using the term lightning crotch around your husband is one of the worst things you could possibly do to him!  OUCH!  Whenever Pregnant Jane tells me she has lightning crotch, I immediately imagine jumper cables hooked up to a car battery, and the other end of the cables hooked up to my baby makers!

They immediately start to ache when she tells me she has lightning crotch!  This is a term that MUST be banned from every woman’s pregnancy and labor terms they use.  Sure, you can tell your girlfriends that you have lightning crotch, but seriously, this really is the last thing you want to tell your husband!  Images of getting your coconuts electrocuted is enough to cause any man to keel over in excruciating pain just thinking about it!

So what in the heck is lightning crotch anyway?  Well, for the sake of mankind, I went ahead and just asked Jane what it is.  She told me that lightning crotch is a pain in your vagina that feels like you are being jolted by electricity and it’s not comfortable AT ALL.  I asked her if it hurts.  OH NO.  I should have just asked that.

She said, “Well of course it does!  Do you want me to shock your penis so you know what it feels like?”  Ahhhhhhh!  There goes that horrible mental image again!  OK… let me catch my breath and clear my mind here…

As far as the cause of lightning crotch, I have no idea.  And to be honest, I’m not asking Jane any more questions about it.  If I do, I’ll end up going to the fridge to get a bag of frozen broccoli to put on my manhood!

So let’s QUICKLY forever delete the pregnancy term, “lightning crotch” from the english language to save all men in the world from ever having to deal with the horrible mental images and groin pains.

I propose that the term lightning crotch be changed to…. Pregnant Tingles.  Pregnant tingles sounds nice.  If Jane was sitting on the couch and said, “Hey Tarzan, I’m having some Pregnant Tingles”, I’d smile and say, “Oh boy!  That’s another sign that Baby Tarzan is on his way!”  I’d be excited and have images of me holding and playing with Baby Tarzan.  Nice mental images.  Happy ones.  Pregnant tingles means happiness. :)

So for the love of your husbands, I urge you to start using the new terms above.  Bottom line: The term “bloody show” scares us.  The term “mucus plug” makes us scared of your vagina.  And the term “lightning crotch” makes our coconuts ache!

Tarzan

P.S…. We are giving away a Babies R Us gift card to one lucky winner in our new contest!  All you need to do us guess the day and time Baby Tarzan will be born.  Whoever guesses right or is the closest will win the gift card!

P.P.S… Beautiful Pregnant Jane, Happy 39 weeks of Pregnancy today! :)  Love you!

You might also want to read:

  1. Signs of labor? 39 weeks pregnant and the bloody show or mucus plug arrived today
  2. Jane’s contractions at 39 weeks pregnant and we appreciate all of you. (Especially last night!)
  3. Blog Contest Update: We will host a LIVE show to broadcast the winners!
  4. Signs of labor during pregnancy: Bowel movements, cramping, and spotting, oh my!
  5. Live Video Broadcast of Contest Winners. Tonight at 6 PM CST.

Facebook comments:

{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Esther

Hey…. you did! It was actually the early hours of the am when I left that message above, and I went into active labour that morning!!! I’m now putting a link in my birthing story on the Hypnobabies website… just so all overdue ladies, who are trying to escape lightening crutch can do so with lightening speed!!! Cheers! xxx

2 Rachel

I gotta say papa… suck it up. It may sound gross to your sensitive ears and stomach, but she’s the one actually dealing with it!!! Now, imagine hearing those terms AND knowing they are going to happen to you!!! I’m sorry, but if you had stabbing pains in your penis, wouldn’t you find it a bit annoying if your wife said “Gross, I don’t want to hear it. It’s just a tingle”. Um…. I don’t think so. It’s like LIGHTNING and it HURTS.

My best advice is to take that weak stomach of yours and get used to a little stomach wrenching terms here and there. At least you don’t have to experience them first-hand.

3 Vidyut

Pregnancy tingles is wishful thinking, which I’m wishing were true :D

4 Tracy

Lightening crotch? That’s new to me (the term, not the sensation unfortunately). I’ve always refered to it as ‘crotch zapping’ in the pregnancy forums I visit Lol

I experienced it in the 3rd trimester of my last one and ‘WOO HOO’, at 33 weeks, I felt my first jolt tonight (scared the crap outta my poor DD!) Yay, 6 more wks to go! *sigh*
I agree that the terms are not pleasant on the ears, and would even agree to use another….but “tingles”??!! Um, no. Not even NEAR accurate! Lol
GL with your new edition!
Tracy (EDD Sept. 20/09)

5 Tarzan

LOLOLOLOL @ Esther!!!!!

You have Jane and I some good belly laughs with that comment! ha ha ha!

Maybe between the 3 of us we can get you and Jane into labor from laughter :)

6 Esther

Thank you – Thank you – Thank you… I just laughed so hard I pissed myself!… you’ll have to forgive me, I’m nearly 42 weeks pregnant, and it was quite nice to have laughing belly aches to replace my lightning crotch… found you when searching as I just lost my mucus plug, and am now watching for the bloody show!… woops! Sorry!xx

7 Kelly

Ha ha pregnancy tingles. I don’t know how I would describe it but tingles is certainly not one of them. Ha ha, think it’s gross to hear it wait until you see some of the things. I was more grossed to see what a mucus plug looked like than to hear the word mucus plug.

8 Twisted Cinderella

I am 14 1/2 weeks pg and just read this to Prince Charming. His coconuts are fine, but his sides are aching from laughing too hard.

9 beornica

Last weekend at a clamboil I mentioned to my husband and a few friends that our steamers looked like mucous plugs. My husband just about barfed into his plate, and immediately lost his appetite. It is absolutely a disgusting term, any man would gag in agreement.

Now, just wait until she can squirt you in the eye from across the room with her boobs.

10 Tarzan

@IrreverentMommy… You just had to mention the fact that some people bury the placenta or even eat it, didn’t you!?!?!? Y… U… C… K!

@Amy… You just never know. ;)

@Teresa… That is correct.

11 teresa

i see that in your outline of costs associated with childbirth you have included circumcision so you need not concern yourself with
SMEGMA.

http://www.cirp.org/library/normal/wright1/

12 Amy V.

Hilarious! You know, Tarzan, you could write a pregnancy book for men that just might take off for those members of the population that also do not prefer these terms!!

13 IrreverentMommy

Dude, you are so screwed. There’s terms coming you need to prepare yourself for!

With my 1st baby, my DR asked if I wanted my membranes stripped…uh, if it means baby gets here sooner, sure. She then promptly reached for my tongue THROUGH MY VAGINA. Super fun times.

Another term – Lochia – post-partum vaginal discharge, containing blood, mucus, and placental tissue.

My husband was going to create a support group after our last birth. Our midwife asked if we’d like to keep the placenta & he asked “what for?” and she replied “oh, some people plant it under a new tree for baby & some people EAT IT”. He almost fainted. And no, we didn’t keep it. Plasagna anyone?

Having a baby is totally gross & totally worth it. When you’re in the thick of it, nothing will gross you out! You’ll do great!

14 Tarzan

@Jessica, thank you so much! :) Oh wow, we didn’t know we were # 1 on there. :) The thing is, we’re confused if it is a contest or something that will just run forever. I think it’s just something that will always be there. Huh. Either way, it’s really cool that we are listed # 1 there. God knows we put in a lot of blood (no shows through!), sweat, and tears into this blog!

The REAL test will come when Jane goes into labor – I’m going to want to document as much as I can with video and pictures. Jane will have her phone and will be updating Twitter, and I plan to post here with updates, but can’t promise I’ll be able to. I just have no idea what we’re in for, how crazy things will be, how busy we’ll be, or if I’ll have even a moment to turn my computer on… or if I’ll even want to. :)

From a Baby Tarzan perspective, I think it would be really cool to have many things documented so someday he can read about the day he was born. I just have pictures of me and my parents the day I was born. I would LOVED to have video and things written on a blog like this by my parents on the day and days after I was born to learn what they were going through and what it was like. I think that would have been something I would have really, really enjoyed knowing and reading. So, I’m sure Jane and I will do what we can to document as much as we can for Baby Tarzan’s sake… and of course, to keep our friends = ALL OF YOU updated! :)

15 Jessica

This post was funny, I just posted it on my pregnancy board to share with the other ladies :) On a side note, did you notice that your blog is now number one in the top blog contest? Hope you stay there, congrats :)

16 Tarzan

@Jennifer, @TheAngelForever, @Jamie… I’m wondering where in the world Pregnant Jane learned that phrase! LOL I’m going to have to ask her… well… maybe I don’t want to know. HA!

@TechyDad… Man, I’m really in for some surprises here it sounds like! I have a feeling that I’ll be wanting to change the word “meconium” into something more fitting… Oh, I can’t wait. LOL!

@Leanna… Thank you! Glad you agree about the internal cork! :)

@Sarah… Thank you. I remember when I first heard it at one of Jane’s Dr. appointments and I was like, “the bloody what!?” Not a show I want to see!

17 Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com

The bloody show term freaked me out a bit too. I am totally in favor of banning that phrase!

18 Leanna

This is definitely one of my favorite posts from you, Tarzan! Cracked me up. I’ve actually never heard of lightning crotch, but if I ever experience it, I will be sure to refer to it as baby tingles. I think “internal cork” is the best, though. You’re right about it sounding more like a celebration than that *other* term.

Happy 39 weeks, Jane!

19 Jamie

I’ve also never heard of lightening crotch. Weird. “Ripe Cervix” is pretty gross all by itself.

20 TechyDad

“Mucus plug” freaks you out? Don’t worry. Within a few weeks, you’ll need to deal with meconium. That’s baby’s first bowel movements. These aren’t solid at all, but is sticky like tar. Luckily, it has no smell. Baby’s will save that for after eating solid food (particularly meat).

By that point, though, you’ll be a “gross out” expert. When TheAngelForever took her first pregnancy test, my job was to hold the stick in the cup of pee. I felt like I was going to hurl just because some pee was in a cup in my hands. Now, I regularly wipe poop from behinds without the slightest tinge of nausea. I can even talk about it (or type about it) while eating lunch.

Consider these terms to be training for the grossness that is to come. Of course, that grossness will be bundled with an adorable little one that you’ll love so much that you won’t care about the gross things coming out of him. :-)

21 TheAngelForever

I had never heard of lightning crotch either, and that’s with two pregnancies where my boys liked to bounce on my cervix. Darn I feel like I missed something, but not enough to try it again ;) Good luck to both of you!

22 Jennifer

I’ve never heard of lightning crotch. I always just called it being stabbed in the cervix. Learn something new every day.

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