You know, I debated and debated with myself whether or not to write this post. After all, it’s 2:39 AM and I’m struggling to keep my eyes open. And besides that, this is surely a touch subject with some of you – especially if you’re a lazy new father. But before I get started on my rant, let me fill you in on a little background here…
Jane ran out today to bring our dog to the vet and I was on official “Daddy Duty” and in charge of taking care of Monkey on my own. No big deal. No sweat. No problem. I enjoyed it!
When Jane returned, she told me about her conversation with the workers at the vet who hadn’t seen her since having Monkey. They talked about how good she looked for just having a baby three weeks ago, and about new baby and mommy life. A few of the workers there were also recent mom’s so they and Jane shared some stories and wonders of motherhood.
The subject of husbands came up and Jane bragged about how much I help out with everything. Things like: Monkey diaper changes, feeding him to give Jane breaks, staying up all night until the sun starts to come up so Jane can sleep at night, (trying) to keep the house neat/clean, vacuuming, dusting, playing with Monkey in the afternoon on his play thing whatever it’s called, always there with Jane to bathe Monkey, always game to watch Monkey when Jane wants/needs to run errands, and just trying to be the best husband and Daddy I can be for my wife and son.
Jane explained to me how the woman she was talking to were shocked by everything I was doing – especially the parts where I change Monkey’s diaper, feed him, played with him, and helped Jane out all I can in between a crazy busy workload that is beyond piled up. Why were they so shocked?
Because they explained that their husbands are still too freaked and/or too lazy out to change diapers! Too freaked out and/or lazy to feed their son or daughter! Too freaked out and/or too lazy to do much of anything. What idiots. As I listened to Jane tell me about their conversation, I couldn’t wrap my mind around why or how some guys can be like this.
One woman even told her that she went out with some friends to get a little break and her husband called her 30 minutes after she left and said, “Can you come home now? The baby is crying, and I have no idea what to do him.”
Another story she heard was one of the workers had recently given birth and while they were in the room resting, the baby started crying and her husband wouldn’t get off the couch and just wanted to sleep. This poor girl had a c-section and had to be given oxygen during labor! What a guy, what a guy.
Seriously, MAN UP!
Saying you’re too freaked out or grossed out to change a dirty diaper is an excuse so you can remain lazy and have your poor wife do all the work on her own… MAN UP!
Saying your too freaked out or afraid to be at home alone with your baby because “you’re just not ready to yet” is a lame excuse so you can play more video games, sit on the lazyboy and snooze, be lazy, and dodge the fatherhood responsibilities one more day… MAN UP!
You are a father now. You are 1/2 responsible for bring your child into this world. You need to step up to the plate and be a man. Seriously, MAN UP!
You’ll get over the poopy diapers. You’ll get over getting peed on. You’ll get over the fear of dropping your child while holding them. You’ll get over the fear of not knowing what to do when your son/daughter is crying. And the sure-fire way to get over all of these fears is to… MAN UP!
Shame on you for being such a lazy father. Shame on you for being a lazy husband. Shame on you for not wanting to learn how to care for your baby so your wife can take some breaks or get away if she needs/wants to. Shame on you for not showing your tired wife any support. And shame on you for your obvious lack of ability to… MAN UP!
Seriously, what are you thinking? You seriously expect your wife to handle everything on her own while you make excuses about fears or not knowing what to do so you can avoid changing diapers or feeding your own child? WTH!? MAN UP!
Oh, you’re too tired after working to help out around the house or hold your own child for awhile? Awe, poor you. I have so much sympathy for you. Why don’t you go take a nap, suck your thumb, and cry when you want to be fed you big baby. Seriously, MAN UP!
It’s time to step up dude. It’s time to grow up. It’s time to be a real father to your child and a real husband to your wife. And, it’s time to…
MAN UP!
So what do you guys think? Do you know any husbands like this? Are any of your friend’s husbands like this? Do we have any lazy guys reading this who dare to comment and explain yourself as to why you’re a lazy father? Do you have any good stories to share on this subject? Post them below and help raise awareness for MALH… Mothers Against Lazy Husbands!
You might also want to read:
- 15 weeks pregnant and the floodgates have opened: Crying during pregnancy and beyond?
- A Mother’s Letter To One Month Old Son.
- Another father-to-be realization: Learning the sex of our baby makes things REAL.
- Postpartum blues, help with breastfeeding, and ramblings from an overtired Daddy.
- Tarzan’s Ultimate Guide To Baby Sizes Week-By-Week For Soon-To-Be Fathers
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GREAT post Tarzan! This should be required reading for all new fathers!
Thanks for all the great comments everyone! It’s GREAT to hear about so many of your husbands manning up!
@ashley… I’ve talked about single mom’s a lot on previous posts and comments in the past. Single moms are the strongest people in the world! My hat goes off to you BIG TIME for keeping your head and not settling for someone who isn’t going to man up.
I think this is a great post too – my sister was just telling me about a friend going through this. They both decided they wanted to have kids, and now have two (he also pushed her to have them closer together), and he doesn’t want to bother with them! My sister was saying how lucky she felt because her hubby is always so helpful with the baby – he even changed more diapers in the hospital than my sister did! And as a result, you can see the bond that my niece has with both my sister AND her husband. I think you’re both doing an awesome job, and I’m so glad you are pointing out that parenthood is definitely a two-person job!
Thank you thank you thank you for this post. Your wife and son are so lucky to have a man like you in their lives. I wish all men thought this way….but then again, I wish all men actually started acting like men and not immature, selfish boys. (me, bitter? noooo.) haha
I’m a single soon-to-be mommy already dealing with someone that should ‘man up’ as you would say. It’s hard, but you know what, I’m a strong woman and don’t need someone not willing to try anyway. All women deserve someone that thinks like you in their lives. Good for you!
O.Em.Gee. Tarzan this post made me laugh and almost jump off the couch and high five the air (i’m almost 9 months pregnant, hence the *almost* lol).
My husband is a wonderful guy like yourself! He was with a girl years ago who came up to him after they broke up saying she was pregnant. He did what any good guy would do and took care of her. After she had two beautiful twin girls, anda month passed, she left him to care for the children by himself, b/c she didn’t want to be a “mommy”. How terrible!!! He did in fact MAN UP and took care of those angels. And then found out a year later they weren’t biologically his! *Gasps*!!
We’ve been together for 6 years now, married for over one, and are expecting our first son due at the end of September (though there are signs he could be here any day now). He is SO excited, and is already MANNING UP! (love it!!) So i feel very fortunate to have him, as he’s a wonderful husband and I know will be a wonderful father! I have some friends whose husbands/boyfriends/baby daddy’s don’t, and i feel so terrible for them. To me i think it’s just pure laziness and a superior attitude.
But guys like YOU will break this cycle!! Keep it coming!!! *cheers and claps*
One of my best friends has a husband like this. Through 3 kids he still only helps when its time to play. After her last one she had frequent horrible headaches where she could barely move and he would just sit on the couch and ignore her AND the baby AND their 2 others. He will only ever take their son out with him and thats because he’s potty trained.
He’s a jerk and I want to smack him so hard sometimes. I have noticed that a large number of fathers are like that or if they do help they don’t seem to do much. I feel so lucky to have my husband. I actually see a lot of parallels between us and you two, our relationships seem to be very similar. My husband is aware that he may very well be a Mr. Mom and he’s totally ok with that, in fact he’s excited about it. He always talks about all the things he wants to do with our kids and I am still kind of shocked when I see what other women have to put up with.
I wish more men were like Tarzan! Jane you should feel very proud and lucky. My husband was a lazy father, he used to say that he was afraid to drop her, that he didn’t know how to change a diaper, and you don’t have an idea what it took to get him to help me with the baby, and I know a lot of men are just like my husband so we have to encourage men like T. and give them the praise that they deserve. T. you are an amazing father and husband, and remember to teach your son to be just like you.
Great post, Tarzan! This is very true. I am very blessed to have a husband who believes in coparenting. He does work during the day while I take care of our son, but he shares the responsibility when he gets home (and on weekends!). I’m very thankful for him.
I know many friends who are in the same position as those ladies who were so shocked. So many of their husbands either refuse or are just plain clueless. I know one woman who disciplines, does overnight feedings, EVERYTHING, for two children under two. Her husband just sleeps and goes to work. It makes me mad just to think about it!
So kudos to you for posting this.
WAY TO GO! I am pregnant with my first baby and I know my Fiance will be everything I expect him to be. He is incredible. HOWEVER, I know many women in this situation. It needed to be said by a husband and a father…..thank you Tarzan. Advice for others, I would say sell the video game systems while he is sleeping on the couch. Sell the couch while he is in the restroom, if that is what it takes. Don’t stand for it. Make him realize all of the moments he is missing, good and bad!
I know the shock she is talking about. Whenever I talk about how my husband takes care of our son women are shocked. I have postpartum depression so my husband took a huge load, let me sleep through the night, gets up early even when he’s not off work until 3am! He’s been amazing. Also I’m a stay at home mom, so whenever I need a break it’s not an issue that he takes the baby, he loves it. Sometimes I think he just kicks me out so he can have some father son time! I have a friend who had a baby a few weeks after I did, and when her husband watches there kids they refer to it as him babysitting, and it’s not a joke!!! My husband gets so heated about it, and I just laugh because I know how lucky I am!
Good for you T!
Good for you, Tarzan! I just wrote a blog entry about how I believe my husband is going to be a great dad because of how amazing he was with my nephews when we took them to the zoo on Monday, so I don’t have fears about him being like this, but I know DH would feel the same way you do. We’re a little scared of what the future holds (I’m 34 weeks along w/ our first), but I’m certain that he will be a man, no matter how difficult it is. (And we know it’s going to be WAY difficult!)
Oh, man, you just described my ex-husband to a T!! He refused to do anything with the kids (we have 2 together) until they were walking and talking. And I am NOT exaggerating here. My current husband is very similar to you Tarzan. Granted, we do not have a baby YET, but he helps out with the kids and the house to help me out!
Kudos to you Tarzan for posting this and for Man-ing UP!!!
My husband is awesome with our babies – he has always changed diapers, get them out of bed in the morning, change diapers, get them dressed, in the tub, anything! He encourages me to go out and he’ll watch the kids, he really, truly is super dad – there is NOTHING that he won’t do when it comes to his kiddos. I have also heard the horror stories of lazy turd dads and I don’t understand how they can not want to take care of their sweet little babies. Anyhoo – my hubby is a rockstar when it comes to the kiddos but he sure can’t keep the house clean AND take care of the babies like I can! When I come home the kids are taken care of and in bed but the house looks like it threw up. lol. I supposed I’ll take what I can get!
Great post! My husband and I are expecting our first in Feb. 2010 and he has been nothing but helpful since the day we found out we were expecting! He refuses to miss an OB appointment which I am thankful for because I’m always so nervous. He’s told me that when the baby comes he wants to do as much as I do (I plan on breastfeeding, he obviously can’t do that) but with changing diapers and getting up in the middle of the night he’s totally there. He makes sure I sit down in the evenings with my feet up and holds my hair back when the dreaded nausea hits. He is beyond excited for this baby and wants to be a huge part of its’ life and I literally thank God everyday for him!
I totally hear you Tarzan!! I am expecting my first in Oct/November and my husband is the one who is staying home after I go back to work. He’s scared to death, but you know, we both know that everything will be fine. It’s a learning experience.
I’m lucky to have a super involved dad (well, Mom was lucky! She never had to change a really gross diaper, he did it) and I imagine that whom ever I marry and/or have children with will do the same…
While I understand that more likely than not it’s the guy who’s being lazy – and I freely admit that it’s more often than not the case, I’d like to caution against being harsh and judgmental because I have seen several of my friends and family not ALLOW for their partners to help. If you don’t offer the chance, how are they supposed to learn.
I actually had the following g-chat conversation with a friend (who I know is the type to do it herself so it’s done “right”)
Friend: He doesn’t do anything. He’s no help. This baby was his idea!
Me: Are you letting him? Or even asking him TO help?
Friend: Well, no. He should know I can’t do it on my own.
Me: Oh, he’s a mind reader now?
Friend: Well, no.
Me: Then how is he supposed to know that you need or want help. I’ve seen you with the baby, the second he cries you jump up and don’t let anyone help. Hell, I’ve offered…and got turned down. Let him try.
Friend: What if he does it wrong?
Is there a wrong way?
I have to say that I am SO glad my hubby (TechyDad) is nothing like this. He has been amazing. He always puts the boys and I first. When I had the little ones he took care of me, stayed up with the kids, fed them pumped bottles, diapered, burped, cleaned up diaper explosion clothing and let me cry on his shoulder. It shocks me that not everyone is this lucky. I guess I just knew he was special. The best part, my brother is the same way with his wife and daughter. They are having #2 in February and I can not wait to watch him juggle two
Tarzan – I dunno, I’d just tell him to man up lol. I think at least the husband could change diapers, it’s gross but it’s something that anybody can do and let’s face it, it takes like 5 minutes TOPS.
Amen!!!!! Very well said and straight to the point….I love it
) Most men have ALL of those excuses and what they fail to realize is that it only puts more burden on their wife and makes her more exhausted and overwhelmed!!! First time Moms are learning the same way Dad’s learn and don’t they think that mothers have some of the same fears. But they have NO choice but to dig their heels in and go for it and learn first handed. It sure is nice to know that you have a supportive husband who wants to help out with the upbringing and caring of their children….not only the pleasure of making them. You are a good man, Tarzan and Jane is VERY lucky and keep up the good work. Babies need to bond with their daddy’s too 
) Very well put and hope that other fathers who are “lazy” MAN UP after reading this post. You guys seem to be doing a great job from what I have been reading. Love your blog 
)
Thanks guys! Now I hope not, but there may be some readers out there who have husbands that fit into this category. I have a feeling they may not comment here, but will be reading all of the comments by everyone. Maybe help them out?
Do you know anything someone could do to help turn a lazy father/husband into someone who is more supportive and active with taking care of his baby?
Do you know anyone who had a lazy husband and did *something* to snap him out of it? If so, what did she do?
Together we can rid the world of lazy husbands and get all of them to… MAN UP!
L – Exactly, a marriage is a partnership with shared duties!! We split up the chores in a way that works for us, and it works GREAT! We are both not stressed out at all with our duties and are carrying along happily like nothing has changed (relationship wise).
I agree. I was blessed with a husband who never backed away from baby/child care or helping around the house. I had a csection (with all 3) and he took care of the babies from the second they were born, I have never even changed a meconium diaper, he did them all while I was recovering. He has never once called me for help or not responded to a baby’s crying. He is still a wonderful dad now that we have growing boys.
This post made me thankful! What type of husband would sit around letting his wife do everything? My husband has done 99% of the cooking since I had our daughter 6 months ago. We have a combined 5 children by the way! He treats me as a partner, not as a slave! Kudos to all the husbands out there who share the workload!
Excellent post.
I’m a Mom of 2 boys with another baby on the way. I know I could use help here and there. It’s exhausting.
Oh Man – you hit the nail Exactly on the head! I went through this with each of my children right from the time of birth (following a c-section with all of them) to now… I cooked, cleaned, worked, took care of the kids, and he sat there – only difference is I never got an excuse as to why. There are too many men in this world that still seem to think its acceptable for a woman to be a ‘super hero’ who’s all too totally capable of doing this all on her own. I’m now happily divorced, raising my 3 children on my own – which is no different that when I was married, really.
I seriously have to commend you on a job well done for being the man you know you need to be. Jane is super lucky to have found someone like you and I wish you both the best of luck! I know though, just from reading your posts, that everything will be just fine and your little monkey has the best possible parents any kid could ever hope for!!!
Love this!!! Way to speak out for all the good fathers/husbands in the world! I know my husband will definitely MAN UP! (even though I am sure he will be nervous) and if he doesn’t he will get an earful!! hehe Our little girl should be arriving tomorrow, we are scheduled for an induction!
Lori – I said the same thing the other day to T. I told him that he was a better parent than I was bc he’s seemed to master burping Monkey & it’s not so easy for me. He told me, “Don’t ever say that, it’s not true at all. I just have more experience with the bottle so far.”
It sounds like you have an awesome husband too! We are both so lucky and hopefully our little boys will grow up to be wonderful just like their daddies!!
Rebecca – I hope your husband does read this & starts to put down the video games. It sounds like you have your hands full. Hope you get some rest soon!
WORD! My husband is a helpful husband like you, so I KNOW it can be done by at least more than one new father! My husband changes diapers, feeds Noah, watches him when I go out and cleans the house AND HE TAKES THE NIGHT DUTY. He also watches Noah while I make dinner. My jobs are to make dinner, pay the bills etc. and watch Noah in the evening so Matt can clean, surf the internet, play video games or whatever he wants to do with his evening. It’s a bit easier for him to take on these duties because we formula feed, but there are still a ton of things the husband/boyfriend/whatever can do even if the mom is breastfeeding!
OMG — Tarzan, let me be the first to thank you for this post. My husband thinks that because he works he shouldn’t have to help out around the house or with my 2 step-sons (HIS boys) or the toddler. I’m on bedrest with pregnancy complications and he took a week off to “help out”. Seriously? He’s slept, played video games and is now out running errands that could have waited, leaving me alone with the toddler.
As soon as he gets home I’m going to force him to read this post!
Hell yeah–what a great post! Jane and Monkey are very lucky to have you!
People were so shocked that my husband took care of our son for 6 weeks while I went back to work (he is faculty at a university and he has summers off so it just made sense.) I feel very lucky that I have a husband who is so involved (he never missed an OB appointment, changes diapers, gives baths and bottles, has even done the dreaded rectal temp!) Half the time, I feel like he is better at being a parent than I am!
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