Normal feelings towards motherhood or something more serious like postpartum depression?

I'd say most of what you wrote here is normal. I'm about two months (not quite) ahead of you in the game and it does get a lot easier, a lot. I used to think that if it was always going to be LIKE THAT, then I didn't really know what the hell I was doing being a Mom. I also had to hand my son over to my husband when he wouldn't be soothed by me, and he'd stop instantly. I was told numerous times that my son can smell milk on me, so when I carry him or try to comfort him, he can smell that and wants to eat or it stimulates hunger, and if I don't feed him, he's not gonna calm down, whether he's truly hungry or not. He can go to his Dad, who doesn't smell like milk, and that nonsense ends right away. It's not personal, and it's not that he prefers Dad to Mom, but Dad doesn't have that tempting smell of food lingering on him.

As for not liking breastfeeding, I don't much care for it either, but I keep doing it because I want to do what's best for my baby, and I worked so hard to get my milk supply up and stop supplementing with formula as much as I had to in the beginning, so I want to continue. I've decided I'll do it until Christmas, where he'll be 6.5 months, and then I'll decide if I want to continue or not.

As for feeling overwhelmed, get some help. Ask your parents or in laws to come over and help. My Mom still comes by once a week, and she does almost everything for my son while she's here to give me a break. I jsut have to feed him, she'll even burp him and change diapers, play with him, get him to sleep for naps, take him for a walk and let me recharge. She also does laundry, dishes and brings food. Nobody knows you need the help unless you ask or let them do it.

Hi Jane,
You are feeling baby blues. I am not sure if this is a full blown post-partum depression (PPD). Crying for no reason, feeling tearful over small things like a dog growling at you, having thoughts like "who am I", "I am not a good mom" etc., seems like a part of baby blues. From you follow-up post, I see that you decided to get on a medication, and to stop breasfeeding, so you condition may be more serious that I can judge from your description. However, to me, it seems like potentially it could be aleviated without psychiatric intervention. Here is some ways I can thing of, or you could try them in addition to your medicine. Just remember, you are doing your best, and your son loves you because you are his mama.

1) maybe your baby is fussy because he is colicky:
a) you should not drink/eat anything milk based while breasfeeding
b) try eliminating other things from your diet to see what makes him feel better
c) you could give him gripe water
d) you could get one of those special tummy belts from a baby catalog to calm him down (onestepahead.com)
e) he could be allergic to milk protein, in which case you have to adjust your diet as I said before
2) you need to do less chores at home, and more time spent with the baby and for yourself
a) ask your husband to help with chores
3) maybe you need company of people/friends
a) ask your husband to spend time with you and Monkey
b) aks your mom to move in for a little while again
c)ask your friends to visit you
4) you need to get a lactation consultant to come and help you with the breasfeeding if after so many weeks you still do not like it.
5) random things to try
a) you could get a service (through maybe La Leche league, or JCC (Jewish community service, or some other charity program...) where you get visited by another mom who has kids, and she could come by and chat with you for a few hours, and help you out with advice
b) get a shrink, and go for sessions, without taking any drugs. this way you'll have someone to talk to
d) you should work more on your blog, it will take your mind off depressive thoughts, and this way you will have two jobs: 1) blog 2) taking care of the baby (I do hope you go back to breastfeeding, maybe you could stop the medicine now, and pump while it's still in your system. and in a week give him the boob again...maybe he'll still take it?) Otherwise, if you do not , then do nto worry about it, formula is not bad, it has DHA and iron. I think you should try milk-based formula, it's better for their development that soy-based.

These things have probably already been said, but I wanted to say them anyway, just in case...(I can't speak from experience as I am still a couple weeks from my due date, but one is advice that I'm passing along, and one is something I learned while nannying.)

1) One of the first pieces of advice I received from a mom was to put the baby in the swing when you feel like you can't handle it anymore! Just set him down for a couple minutes and go in the other room to calm down. I can totally and completely understand how that might make you feel guilty, but it's so much better than wanting to bang your head against the wall. Monkey will be totally fine for a couple minutes in the swing. In fact, it might even help.

2) During the time I worked as a nanny, I saw an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Ray's wife could NOT get their baby to calm down, just like you with Monkey the other day. The baby was screaming and carrying on, but NOTHING would work. Then, she handed the baby to someone else and the baby was almost immediately calm. Of course, this was ultra upsetting to Ray's wife. The person who got the baby to calm down explained that the baby can sense your stress/frustration, which causes them to become stressed and frustrated. I thought the idea was so interesting that I decided to try it out next time this happened to me while I was nannying. Sure enough, it worked!

I know it sounds like it would probably be the hardest thing in the world to do at that point in time, but next time Monkey is like this, try putting your energy into making YOURSELF feel calm, relaxed and at peace. You'll probably have to work a bit to try to find ways that you can get yourself to calm down, but if you're able to do it, Monkey will sense your calm and that will soothe him, too. Plus, even if it doesn't get Monkey to calm down as much as you'd like (although it has for me every time I've tried it) at least you'll feel calmer!

I hope that helps. No matter what, I think your feelings are normal. This is such a rough, demanding time for you. I obviously don't know, but I feel like the fact that you're expressing your thoughts and feelings (even if it's only to the world wide web) means that you're not in any real "danger" of going over the edge. You're being open and honest about what's going on, and that's the best thing you can do.

Jumping in very late here (was off celebrating big kid's 6th B-day today). Jane, sending lots of hugs and thoughts your way. You know yourself best, along with Tarzan. So glad that he is looking out for you and convinced you to talk to the nurse at your OB's office. Your post today was so very brave. I am sure that many a new moms will use it and help themselves thanks to you. Way to go Mama! Take care of yourself, feel better and know that you are a fabulous mother to your little Monkey.

BTW - Tarzan did you check the website of the company that makes Lexapro? Many drug companies have amazing coupons on them. My brother is a pharmacist and always tells people to look for them.

This all sounds very normal to me. I have good and bad days too. I just try to have patience and repeat in my head, "This too shall pass." And I try my best to figure out if the baby's sick or just being a baby. I go thru the "Is he hungry? Does he need his diaper changed?" Usually it's one of these two. But when it's not, I figure he's either gassy (I think about what I've eaten in the past 12 hours) or he's just cranky.

My little guy LOVES being in a sling or wrap (he's 1.5 wks old). Last night, when I couldn't get him down for bed by 10:30 pm, I put him in the sling and went out for a 5 minute walk. He was asleep in minutes and I came home, ate dinner with him in the sling, savored the quiet and then put him down to sleep. He was out for hours. Also, this might alleviate some of your guilt feelings about putting him in the swing. He'll be right with you, but you can still do things around the house or fool around on the computer.

Good luck, sweetie. It'll get better. I'm right there with you. It's all about trial and error.

Good for you for calling your doc right away. I hope the Lexapro works for you. Ask the doc for samples if you can first. Sometimes you have to try a few different meds and/or dosages before you land on the one that works for you. Hang in there!

Jane,
It's only been a couple of weeks right? I would give yourself a little bit of time. If your feelings continue on like this, or seem to get worse, then email me and I'll put you in touch with someone in your area who can help you. And make sure the sleep plan you have with your husband is really allowing you to get some sleep. Be in a room that is dark and quiet where you can't hear the baby (no monitor!), even if that means Tarzan has to go sleep on the floor in the baby's room (that's what my husband had to do). With a little time, some good sleep and some good nutrition this may all resolve itself in another week or so. Sometimes we just have bad days. All moms wonder whether they're good enough to have the job. But if the bad days string together in a row and don't end, reach out to me and I'll help you navigate through the world of PPD.
Katherine Stone
Postpartum Progress (http://postpartumprogress.typepad.com)

I am so proud of you Jane! Calling the doctor was a great decision! I wish you the very best of luck and look forward to reading about the day you feel back to normal.

Thanks for all the love out there everyone! I've read all of y'alls comments & do appreciate them all. Just wanted to let y'all know that I'm writing a follow-up to explain what happened after calling the dr. I hope it'll be up tonight, but it might be tomorrow, so check back to see when it's posted. Thanks again from the bottom of my heart.

The first child is going to be difficult to adjust to. I know you love him. Everyone knows you love him, but it may take a while to learn to LIKE your new job. You gave up your freedom and independence when you took on motherhood... and that is not something that is easy to give up. The good thing is - you'll eventually blossom in the new role and as he gets bigger and more able to communicate with you, you'll find yourself falling in love with him. That will make it so much more rewarding for you.

At first, a baby is all work and no rewards - but when the smiles and giggles come, you'll find yourself in that happy stage you are wishing for. When he starts waving and talking - calling you mommy - all this talk of PPD will be history.

In the mean time, when there's lack of sleep, spit up, colic, poopy diapers, watching the clock... please take care of yourself as much as possible.

Here are some suggestions (which may or may not have already been given to you):
PRAY - amazingly helpful. God understands your dilemma. He can give you peace.
READ - read for leisure and read about your new baby. Ask some close friends to recommend books for you.
GET HELP - with my first one, I had an aunt come live with us for 2 weeks and friends that came over to help. This time, I have a 10 and 12 year old and my mom is here for 3-4 evenings during the week. With my second, my husband stayed home for 2 weeks. Help with the baby is under-rated!
COLIC IDEAS - we use Gripe Water for colic/gas and it helps, we also have found that walking the baby around the room (even if you have to wear a sling indoors) instead of putting him down is very good at soothing him. They say you can avoid caffeine, chocolate, broccoli and really spicy foods to help if you are breastfeeding. I know the caffeine and chocolate thing are probably true - or at least have been with my 5 mo. old. Every baby is different though. The good thing is - the colic stage is short. Hang in there!
DATE TIME - get out of the house with your man. be open and honest and rely on him so he'll feel needed and important. if he feels close to you, he'll be more in tune to help with baby!
EMAIL or PHONE - talk about it. get advice or just share what's on your chest. even if you don't follow other people's advice, it's great to know you aren't alone. you are already doing great with this part!
HAVE A ROUTINE - try to plan a small routine to keep baby occupied... feed, burp, change, bathe, nap, tummy time, read a book, lay in crib with stuffed animals, swing, walk, bouncy chair, ... and try to stick to a regular bed time. Amazingly, my little one started sitting in a walker at 3.5 months because his legs were so strong. He also started watching about 10 minutes of TV (really watching!) about then. It may only be 10 minutes, but 10 minutes can seem like a life-line when you are tired and need a break.

Even with a 12 year old, a 10 year old, my mom and my husband helping with this baby (who is now 5 mo. old), I still had moments of depression and wondering "WHAT in the world have I done?" - so please don't think you are alone. The first three months are the hardest. The first year goes by so quickly, though. It will be gone in a blink.

Praying that you find some rest and peace and joy in these fleeting moments... before you know it, little Monkey will be 12.

I'm very glad to hear she is getting medication!

Tarzan, we do not have maternity either b/c we are self employed and have an individual policy. The meds should be covered b/c this is not maternity, just a prescription for depression. Also, if they won't cover it, ask for samples from the doc - they should have *tons* to give you if you ask. Glad Jane is getting help. I've been there - trust me, the meds help more than you can ever imagine. She should be back to her normal self very soon. Thank her for having the courage to be honest and open - all new moms should know about PPD.

Good. Glad the doctor reacted quickly. They normally do in cases like this. It's better to be quick and safe than to shrug anything off. Jane - did they talk to you about feeling better gradually? I took Zoloft and I felt a little bit better every day. So hopefully they explained you won't take tomorrow feeling 100% dynamite.

I've seen your tweets about laundry and cooking breakfast/dinner etc. I craved normalcy (whatever that is) so much that I overdid things. I felt compelled to "earn my keep" since my husband was working and I was caring for the house and baby. You've heard it 1000 times I'm sure, but don't beat yourself up over things you *think and feel* are required of you. It's all self-imposed. Truly.

BTW missy prissy, are you eating yet? Hmmm? If not, please step away from the computer and march your behind in the kitchen and eat. Please. And thank you. ;)

Just saw the update. Wanted to let you know it can take a couple weeks to see any effects from anti-depressants and sometimes one type or another won't work at all for a particular person. You need to be very careful getting off them, too. Do it very gradually. Here's a summary about Lexapro (Escitalopram) & breastfeeding from LactMed "Summary of Use during Lactation:
Escitalopram is the R-enantiomer of the antidepressant, citalopram. Limited information indicates that maternal doses of escitalopram up to 20 mg daily produce low levels in milk and would not be expected to cause any adverse effects in breastfed infants, especially if the infant is older than 2 months. Based on limited data, escitalopram appears to be preferable to the racemate, citalopram, during breastfeeding because of the lower dosage and milk levels and lack of adverse reactions in breastfed infants. Monitor the infant for drowsiness, especially in younger, exclusively breastfed infants and when using combinations of psychotropic drugs."

*hugs* Jane. It does sound like you might have PPD or at least be on the borderline. I had it horribly after my first, I felt nothing for him until around 3 months old. He was just a responsibility, one which caused me a lot of physical agony to care for, especially nursing. However, for me, I know that stopping nursing would have made things worse. After letting them unnecessarily cut me open, giving up on breastfeeding would have just meant one more way I failed.

I've never stopped feeling inadequate as a mother. I've decided to try to take it as nature's way of encouraging me to improve. We all have periods where we can't console our babies, sometimes for hours on end. Doesn't matter if it's your first or 5th & it doesn't make you a bad mother. It just means babies are confusing sometimes. :) I tenth that he was probably feeling your tension.

I know some women find getting time alone/time away helps, but for me that would just make it worse. If I couldn't feel loving towards my baby, I was determined to at least act loving. I've never left any of my babies with anyone for longer than it took to take a shower, even when they were asleep. It's what I needed to do to keep my sanity, knowing that even if I couldn't feel love for my baby, I'd always be there.

It often does get better on it's own, eventually. But if it's interfering with your parenting, then don't wait for it to get better, get help. And keep a close eye for signs it might be slipping into postpartum psychosis.

You need to see the doctor NOW! Don't wait until this gets worse, please.

I was diagnosed with postpartum depression last month--3 months after I had my baby and shortly after I returned to work full time. You can read about it on my blog if you like.

The first 4-6 weeks were tough for me--just like they are tough for you now. I was pretty much on my own the first two weeks (no family around, Hubs had to return to work for the last 2 weeks of the semester.) My premature baby and I struggled with breastfeeding and he was eating every two hours and when he wasn't taking a boob I was pumping, so I wasn't sleeping. There were times when I just couldn't sleep--no matter how tired I was. I'd cry a lot.

Finally, I told my husband how I was feeling and that helped a lot. Soon we fell into a routine and though we had tough days, I felt a lot better.

Until I went back to work. Suddenly I felt really overwhelmed with the my job and being a mom. I was exhausted. I tried pumping at work, but my milk supply was drying up. I had lost my ability to concentrate and couldn't remember squat. And I suddenly felt resentment and anger towards my husband--my super supportive, awesome husband--who got to stay home with the baby all day and seemed to have no trouble at all with our little guy. It wasn't like me to feel angry so I became concerned--especially because I have a history of depression.

I was diagnosed with PPD, put on a low dose of anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds, and referred to a support group. The meds have made a huge difference--I also decided to wean my baby because I couldn't make the breast feeding work and I was feeling so horrible about it--it was emotionally and physically draining.

Now, about a month after diagnosis I feel SOOOO much better. I encourage you to talk to your doctor (and feel free to e-mail me for support! You are not alone!)

Hi everyone, Tarzan here again.

Jane's Doctor just called her... well, her nurse actually. She is on the phone with her now, and I'm waiting to hear what the deal is...

I'm worried about my beautiful Jane. She's not herself right now at all. I'm so proud of her blogging about this. This is serious and I doubt too many woman going through this would blog about it since it's so personal and because I'm sure it was the last thing Jane wanted to do. I'm glad Jane posted this in case any of our readers go through this. (If so, please, please call your doctor right away.)

Jane is still talking to nurse, I believe they are talking about medication...

Jane's discussing how she has been feeling and thinking and feeling so guilty...

Nurse said something that made Jane giggle a little - nice hearing my beautiful Jane laugh. :)

OK, she's off the phone and I just got updated. Long story short is that they prescribed medication for Jane. I'm so glad they did. I was becoming more worried about Jane by the minute. They move FAST. Jane just called Wall Greens and they already have it ready and she's going to pick it up now. They prescribed her Lexapro, which costs us $110.99 since we don't have maternity insurance, but who cares. I'd pay any amount to get Jane feeling her normal self again.

There's a lot to update you guys on here - but I don't want to get any of the details or facts wrong so I'm hoping Jane will be able to jump on here later and post a comment or a new blog post to update you guys. Again, thanks for all the comments. :)

I'm not a mom yet - yay! I get to look forward to all this fun stuff! ;) - but, it really sounds like you are doing a great job. But, more than that - don't feel like you aren't doing it right and Tarzan is. I think the dad's always have it easier because they don't usually get to the baby until the mom has been working on them for hours - of course it looks like they have a better connection! You put in all the work for them! :) And don't feel bad about the connection - I think many people feel like they 'should' feel or act a certain way and I firmly believe that everyone is different and most of the 'bonds' aren't as strong because you just don't know this little guy yet! You know that you love him and that's all that counts. I love my husband more now than when we first met because of the time we have together... I think it's the same with kids. (or similar) And besides, they all have personalities and I think that it's ok to go through ups and downs because they are their own person and so are you! :)
Finally, don't forget - now-a-days we actually spend MORE times with our kids than int he 50s when moms were mostly stay home - that's because we feel we 'should' but back then, they had other stuff to do and the kids were fine :) Obviously, this is some time away, but don't feel like you 'should' do anything other than what you see you need to do... (if that makes sense; don't feel like you need to be 'perfect')
I think you are doing great! But, again, I'm just pregnant and I'm sure I'll go through the same stuff and have to read stuff like this again :)

Nothing brilliant to add - but I'm very glad you called your doctor. It could very well be PPD, and it doesn't get better if you don't get help. My baby is 4 1/2 months old now, and I'm still fighting...

But know that you are a good mom. You're doing the best you can...and that? Is all you can do.

I'm so sorry that your transition to motherhood has been so trying. You have a wonderful support in Tarzan and all your readers!

Now, I'm not 100% certain, but I believe that I've read that women who have had more "emotional upsets" during pregnancy are more prone to PPD or a mild form of it. Everything that you are experiencing can be baby blues and pure exhaustion. I hope that you are able to find whatever support you feel appropriate. There is never any shame in checking in with your doctor about how you are feeling. It may be validating to hear what he/she has to tell you and you may just be able to start feeling better whether through medication or counseling. I've had friends and clients who have used medication during the first few months of their postpartum and they said they felt and functioned so much better. One of my best friends cried for 3 months and was exhausted all the time with her first. With her second she and her midwife were all prepared for the possible intense baby blues she had with her first, but it never happened. This felt that the transition to motherhood with the first was ENORMOUS and she felt overwhelmed all the time, but with her 2nd everything seemed easier and smoother.

I'll be thinking of you and hoping that you are getting the rest and food that your body needs to function the best it can. (Remember your body is HEALING from childbirth still.) I'll be looking forward to your next update. HUGS!

I don't know if it's PPD, but it all sounds very normal to me this early in the game, for what that's worth. I was scared to be alone with my baby when my husband returned to work full time, but I never told anybody. I felt inadequate for wanting to put her down, too. I remember feeling "bonded" with her right away (i.e., I felt like her mother) but not really "enjoying" her, if that makes sense. I took lots of pictures but I didn't get all dreamy-eyed over her. And when she cried, I had no idea what she wanted...figuring that out took time, trial and error.

The second time around, things were very different--I did google and oogle my son all to pieces and never felt scared or overwhelmed even though I also had a three-year-old to take care of. So I'm inclined to think it's a first-timer thing and at least part of it is perfectly normal. In the animal world, some mothers eat their first litter after all...yeah, okay, none of that going on here ;-) but my point is, the first time can be very scary without lots of support. Personally, I think we are wired to be surrounded by The Village (the more experienced mothers, the childless helpers, as well as our partner) at the time of our first baby's birth, not left to our own devices. What you feel may be a bit of that isolation that no woman should have to deal with the first time around--or ever, really, when the babies are new.

I don't know much about PPD, but it seems very early for that to be diagnosable at this stage. I wish you the best of luck!

I just want to comment on the "Dad has the magic touch" thing. My daughter went through a phase like that too. I know it's heart-wrenching because you're trying SO HARD to calm your child, and then you give hi to the "asshole" that's been talking on the phone / playing video games / whatever when all you wanted to do was sob... and the baby hushes.

These days, though, I wish she would calm down for him more often! It's ALL MOMMY ALL THE TIME. If I go in the other room she freaks. If there's a baby gate between her and I she freaks. If I go to the washroom I have to take her with me because HEAVEN FORBID she can't see me!

It's okay to feel resentment. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. As long as you can accept and acknowledge your feelings, I think you're on the right track.

*hugs* I saw on Twitter that you called a doctor. I never did, but I felt the same as you (and sometimes still do). I'm curious to know what happens, and I hope things start to look up for you soon.

When little L was a baby the breastfeeding thing was awful for me. I'd pump for an hour and only get 2 ounces! It was especially frustrating when I'd talk to other friends about it. They had so much milk their complaint was leaking. Leaking? What in the world? I never once leaked! After almost 3 months of beating myself up, I finally gave up. No more boob for Little L. The guilt of those first few bottles were agony! I thought for sure my little girl was going to sick and not develop like the other kids. I cried over the guilt of not breastfeeding. I cried of the agony of breastfeeding. I had people tell me how bad it was and judged me for not breastfeeding. I still have people who shack their fingers at me. Oh Well.

Fast forward 2 years. Little L is a strong, thriving toddler. She's never been seriously sick. She's only had 3 colds and a handful of runny noses. I have gotten over the guilt of not breastfeeding my daughter. I was a much happier mom and little L was a much happier baby after I quit trying to breastfeed.

You should do what feels best for you, not what everyone else says is best. You know your body and your baby better than anyone else in this world!

Reading this made me cry. I've been there. Hell Tater is 8 months old and there are times when I think, "Why the hell can't I figure out what it is she wants right now?" I want to give you a hug right now.

*hugs*

ANYTIME you have questions, DM me on twitter. I've been through some of the craziest breastfeeding struggles and we made it through. I'll be happy to share anything.

I had my 4th baby on June 26th, and I feel the same way most days. It comes and goes. I can have 2 bad days and 1 good day, then go back to bad days.

It could be PPD, but you can also think of it this way. You are grieving in some ways. Your old life is over, and you have this new life that is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. You don't know how you are going to make your way, and days evaporate with you stumbling through getting to know your baby (I should know, I missed a day last week and thought it was Wed. when it was actually Thurs.) Even though I have 3 before him, I miss my old life. I could just grab my kids and head out the door, no diaper bags, no heavy car seats, no screaming. Everything is challenging. So I look at it like its grief, and I will get over it eventually.
You are right to call your doctor as it could be PPD, but please be sure to cut yourself some slack and let your husband see your tears. It helps.

Jane, I suffered PPD after my oldest was born. I felt almost exactly the way you are feeling now. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Some people, like me, have our hormones turn into PPD after we give birth. PPD is such a viscious cycle b/c all of your feelings about not being a good mom contribute to your depression. My family recognized I needed help and I went on an antidepressant and felt better within a week. By 2 weeks, I was starting to bond with my baby. My only regret is that I didn't get help sooner. For some good news, my symptoms were not nearly as bad with my 2nd child. You *will* be okay. Getting help is the first step in being a good mom.

it's ok to NOT look longingly at your baby 24/7.... it really is. i think its super important to continue with your life. it's ok to get a break... as much as you need... whenever you want. the swing is there to use!!! bond and hold and snuggle when you want!! you will have tim to do that, so takea break, sleep, rest when you can.......... IT'S OK!!!!!!!!

Ooooh PPD! Saw your tweet that you called the doctor...so good! I had ZERO problems with my first...and got slammed with PPD after my second...took me quite a while to realize that was going on...but it was almost identical to what you are explaining. Overwhelmed, distraught...like you are putting on an act...I would cry and cry to my DD and apologize to her for ending up with me as a mom.... AMAZING night and day difference in my ability to handle life after adding some zoloft to the the post partum mix.

With baby #3 I experienced what was reminiscent of PPD .... while I've still been pregnant....finally called the doc and got some Zoloft....again...night and day difference.

Hang in there...it will all work out!!

@AngelMommy ... If I had to take that test for Jane, taking my best guess on the answers based on what I've seen and what Jane has told me over the last few days, the score would be more than three times the 8.

Also, Jane went though the blues, as I wrote on this post: http://www.hisboyscanswim.com/2541/postpartum-blue... but this is very, very different...

i don't have anything profound, and i don't know if it's actually PPD, but i felt the same way. i think every mom goes thru that w/ their first.... guilty for breastfeeding, guilty for not breastfeeding, guilty for putting the baby in a swing.... all of it. its such a big change and much of the responsibility falls on us.... the mom. Dad can somehow escape most of it.... i can say though, w/ my second, i didnt feel that way. i think b/c i knew what to expect.

but yes, w/ my first, i cried, i didnt sleep, i felt bitter towards hubby, i felt hurt, i felt alone.

you know your love your babe, but definitely get help if you think it' PPD. praying for you.

It took a long time for me to bond with my daughter. I mean, I loved her, but I felt more like I was a nanny instead of her Mom. When I took care of her (diaper, feeding, etc) it felt like I was just going through the motions. I remember telling my husband that it just didn't feel real. We had a lot of breastfeeding problems. Every time G had breastmilk, she would scream and scream. We had been supplementing from day one, but after 9 weeks of eliminating almost everything I could think of out of my diet, we went to a full formula diet and she became a ridiculously happier baby. Have you thought of supplementing? I know breastmilk is beyond the best thing for baby, but if you hate it that much and it's causing that much stress?? I don't know.

I think you should call your doctor and just talk to him/her about how you're feeling. I know it seems silly, but my doctor gave me a long questionnaire that I had to fill out and honest answers apparently provided a good indication of where you were on the depression scale (blues to psychosis.) They really can help you.

In the mean time, we're thinking about you, and hope that each day gets a little better and a little easier.

It's very hard. The baby blues usually only last a short time. If it lasts longer it is possible to have post partum. However, it sounds like it's very normal. There were times with my daughter that I just was distant from her. I would cry for no reason and when it didn't go away I knew it was more than your baby blues. It was my hubby who really noticed. I just wanted to go away, but knew that I couldn't. I was functioning in all ways on the outside, but on the inside everything was different. I think depression and even baby blues are not always really talked about. For me it was because I didn't want anyone to think I didn't love my baby. But I wasn't only detached from my baby, I was also detached from everything. The thing is for me at first it was very good. No one told me post partum doesn't always hit in the beginning. It hit about when my daughter was 6 months old. In no way did I ever want to harm my baby. But, I wanted to disappear. What kept me going is knowing that my family needed me and I couldn't be a coward and take the easy way out. I went to counseling and they put me on meds to sleep. I also noticed when I tried to be a superhero mom things sometimes got more to me than if sometimes I tried to let someone else take the reigns once in awhile. Once I realized that taking care of myself (and sleeping) helped I worked on finding a balance of being supermom and letting someone else be a super helper. Ha ha I also think of it this way, every superhero needs a sidekick. It's the same for supermoms. We struggle to find time between, housework, cleaning, sleeping (or not sleeping), feeding the baby, playing with your toddler (in my case anyway), changing his diaper, doing laundry, taking your child out to play, paying bills, andjust being there to have time for yourself. Between all these things finding time for ourselves is put away. Then we feel bad for have me time. It's no wonder moms have baby blues and post partum. Not to mention those "lovely hormones" that stay with you for some time after. Not being able to spend alone time and doing the things you used too. But, I have also found out it's okay to spend once a month having a date with your spouse. Get someone you trust to take your child for a day. Of course, you may not be comfortable this early going out. But that doesn't mean you can't have a nice dinner while your little one is asleep if you are awake. Just napping whenever you are tired (and when baby is sleeping). My hubby will take my son when I am exhausted. Also, try the best you can to get some sleep. It can change your whole perspective on things. Also, even without baby blues or post partum you will experience a variety of emotions. Not every mom has that automatic instinct. I think that instinct comes from learning honestly. If you don't have that automatic instinct, it's not because your a bad mom. It's because you just haven't quite got it down yet. Believe me, you will get it. Also, because you question it and feel bad for it makes you a great mom. If you didn't have the mom instinct you would not be worrying about what you feel and how you feel. You are not alone in these feelings. Your husband seems like he's very understanding. He may not understand everything, but the one thing he can understand is that you have been through a lot. He will understand depression is not anything he did wrong. He may or may not understand it wasn't anything he did when you snap or lose interest, only a big part of having baby blues or post partum. Sometimes just talking may not be enough and you may want to talk to your doctor about it. They may want to put you on meds. For me post partum was temporary. I hope I don't experience the same with this baby. But I know that tarzan will be there routing for you all the way.

Hi everyone, this is Tarzan. I haven't looked at any of the comments yet, but VERY much appreciate commenting and your support for Jane.

Jane read me her post a little while ago, shortly after she posted it and had a very hard time getting through the whole thing reading it to me. I hugged and talked to her and urged her to call her doctor at that instant. No waiting to see if she'll feel better in an hour, tonight, or tomorrow. I said it's time to call right this instant - or else I will call. I didn't mean to sound so firm, but wanted Jane to realize that I was very serious and care for her so much that I want her to feel better - and see she needs some help quickly.

Jane really let our a lot of her private feelings on this post - and I want all of you to know that she has a VERY supportive and strong husband here for her for anything and everything to help comfort her.

She went through this a little awhile ago (nothing like this) but did have the blues when she came home. They seemed to go away, but over the last few days, things have been VERY, VERY rough for Jane. Couple that with a VERY fussy and demanding Monkey, Jane is doing such a great job dealing with everything that she is going through right now. And although she wants to fight this on her own and be that stubborn beautiful woman I love, and I really respect that of her, it's time for her to get some help.

I told her it's nothing to be ashamed of, feel bad about, or anything like that... and that it's not her fault. She's a GREAT mom. The best. She's doing such a great job and it's not her fault her hormones are still out of whack - making everything 1,000,000 times harder to deal with - even the minor things can seem like a mountain to climb.

Again, thanks for all of your support and comments to Jane. Jane or I will keep you posted on this.

My office uses the Edinburgh postnatal depression scale to screen for PPD. There are 10 questions and each answer has a point value. Answer the questions and add up the points. This is the exact scale than many doctors use to screen for PPD. The way to score is at the bottom (no cheating) so that you can keep it confidential if you wish. Best of luck and I hope you feel better.

All questions ask about the last 7 days.

1. I have been able to laugh and see the funny side of things.
As much as I always could (0)
Not quite so much now (1)
Definitely not so much now (2)
Not at all (3)

2. I have looked forward with enjoyment to things
As much as I ever did (0)
Rather less than I used to (1)
Definitely less than I used to (2)
Hardly at all (3)

3. I have blamed myself unnecessarily when things went wrong.
Yes, most of the time (3)
Yes, some of the time (2)
Not very often (1)
No, Never (0)

4. I have been anxious or worried for no good reason
No, Not at all (0)
Hardly ever (1)
Yes, sometimes (2)
Yes, very often (3)

5. I have felt scared or panicky for no good reason
Yes, quite a lot (3)
Yes, sometimes (2)
No, not much (1)
No, not at all (0)

6. Thing have been getting on top of me
Yes, most of the time I haven’t been able to cope at all (3)
Yes, sometimes I haven’t been coping as well as usual (2)
No, most of the time I have coped quite well (1)
No, I have been coping as well as ever (0)

7. I have been so unhappy that I have had difficulty sleeping
Yes, most of the time (3)
Yes, sometimes (2)
Not very often (1)
No, not at all (0)

8. I have felt sad or miserable
Yes, most of the time (3)
Yes, quite often (2)
Not very often (1)
Not at all (0)

9. I have been so unhappy that I have been crying
Yes, most of the time (3)
Yes, quite often (2)
Only occasionally (1)
No, never (0)

10. The thought of harming myself has occurred to me
Yes, quite often (3)
Sometimes (2)
Hardly ever (1)
Never (0)

Add up all your scores. If it is greater than 8 there is a high likelihood of PPD. And if you answered anything but never on #10 call your doctor NOW.

Jane, my heart goes out to you. Motherhood sure is a tough road for all woman. I really didn't go through the PPD; but my sister did really bad. She would call me in the middle of the night and ask me to please come over to help her out with her daughter because she was screaming and neither her nor her husband could get her calmed down. I am a firm believer that it is all tension that Monkey is feeling from you. Remember he was inside of you for 9 months (actually longer) and you were so calm and relaxed. Now he doesn't understand why you are tensed and can't tell that mommy is overtired. I believe that you are bonding with him right now; but you aren't feeling it because it isn't all love bonding like you want it to be. You do have to take some time out for you. Too bad that either of you don't have a sibling or very good friend that lived close by that would come over and sit with the baby for a couple of hours so you guys can have a break and some "alone" time. I am sure that you are missing that as well and that doesn't help any either. As everyone before me has said; please don't wait too long before bringing these feelings to the attention of your doctor if they persist. Most of them are normal; but you don 't want it to not be and get yourself on some time of medicine that you HAVE to have in order to function. Hang in there sweetie, things will get better and maybe you should ask the doctor about bottle feeding Monkey. Some woman just can't do it....I was one of them!!!! But both of my kids are healthy and had no problems with a bottle. Try to relax as much as you can and I will be praying for you that you feel better and it is ok to put Monkey down for a little while. I know that you want the best for Monkey as all mom's do for their children; but if they don't have you or dad....what does that leave them :o) Take deep breaths and try to relax.

I did not have PPD but can relate to many of the things that you said! It is soo overwhelming! Having a person that needs your attention 24/7 while you've had no sleep takes it all out of you! I remember a day similar to yours where my child was crying, I couldn't figure out why or get her to calm down so I just cried too. I just wanted her to be happy and rest (so I could too!). That shows bonding to your child- you are hurt because they are hurt (even if you can't fix it and are also hurting because you're hurt..). I would say only your doctor can diagnose you with PPD so anything I or anyone else says, take with a grain of salt. But you desperately need sleep. Sleep is amazing in that it will help you feel sooo much better- it will give you energy to bear with the hard times. I know you say you can't sleep during the day, so try resting. When Monkey is sleeping, lay on your bed, with the lights out and close your eyes and just rest. Think about your favorite book or movie- but get your mind off of Monkey so your body can calm down and REST! Some experts say that resting for 30 minutes without actually going to sleep can energize a person more than a several hour afternoon nap. But it is important when you rest to get your mind off of what is stressing you out! Maybe even Tarzan could take Monkey and the dog for a walk or something so you could have the house to yourself- that may help you also. But it is imperative for you to rest! It will help your milk production too.
Also- everyone I know says the exact same thing about the daddy/baby relationship. It's so not fair that we do all the work and they (dads) have all the fun! We are created to be mothers, so you are equipped to handle Monkey! It does take time to learn our babies and what they want. Sometimes they just get fussy and they don't even know what they want :( You are not alone in feeling that! It will always seem as though everyone else has it all together, but I guarantee you everyone else feels the same as you!
Oh! and no- you don't have to return those calls! They should be calling Tarzan anyways! I didn't return a call until my daughter was like 6-8 weeks old, granted I hate the phone and hate returning calls anyways. But your friends understand you are busy busy busy with Monkey and they should be fine to wait and come over when you are ready.
So you are not alone! All new mothers feel inadequate and overwhelmed. It is a huge and daunting task that takes a while to learn and feel better about. I don't really think any mother ever does not feel inadequate as a mother. I think they just get used to the feeling. The thought that I can never be perfect so I will just do my best seems to overtake the feeling of inadequacy. There is so much more that I want to do and be for my child but I cannot be consumed with what I am not/have not and must do the best I can for her.
Sleep deprivation makes everything worse so get some rest! Someone commented on the last post about co-sleeping. I think y'all need to give this a try. It will feel good to share the room with Tarzan again too. I know you must miss him.
Also, babies know our emotions. It is difficult, but if you are stressed or upset Monkey can sense that and it may upset him too.

I am not a mother yet(end of Oct!!:) but I had a good friend that had a baby about 2yrs ago. She had all of these same emotions and thoughts. She was a career woman and wasn't expecting to get pregnant. She never wanted to leave the house w/ her baby and she didn't really want anybody else leaving the house w/ her baby. Her husband had the "magic touch" as well, she would be home w/ the babe and deal w/ all the "stuff" and her hubby would come home and have an angel on his hands. She did not breast feed so this made her life a bit easier and still she was on an emotional roller coaster and had a fussy baby. She wanted to be the perfect mother and she would get so frustrated when she didn't feel like she was meeting the standards she set for herself.
From an outsider looking in on the situation, her HB had the "magic touch" because he was calm, not overwhelmed and frustrated. He hadn't spent all day w/ a screaming baby and he got sleep the night before, so he came into the situation w/ a clean head. I also think going from being a very active person(career wise) to being "suzy homemaker" really threw her over the edge. She was somebody "special" at work and now at home she sits alone w/ a crabby kid and no handbook and nobody delegate to.
Once she got out of the house w/ her babe or let people come over and help she got much better. I would go over during the day sometimes so she could nap or go to starbucks just to get away. When she started to calm down the baby started to calm down. She also realized her lil one had acid reflux which added more fuel to the fire!
From my observations of new mommies you are going through some standard issues, your learning babes routine(if any yet) he is learning about being on the outside. If you need to catch your breath and calm down put monkey in the swing and take a second for you! Its better for you and that makes it better for him. From the things I've read and observed in my friends new babes is they really have animal like senses. The can smell their mother, they can tell their mothers milk from someone elses and they can sense their mothers mood/emotions(so can dogs and maybe that's why D.O.G. was crabby last night).
You are a wonderful new mommy and monkey loves you so much. I'm sure I will go through all of these same emotions when our lil pumpkin boy gets here. I will have to constantly remind myself its ok to ask for help, walk away when necessary to catch my breath, let baby cry(its good for their lungs) and get out of the house w/ baby. Fresh air does everybody good!
Keep your head up and know that you're doing great, talk to T when you need to get emotions out! He loves you and wants nothing more than to see you happy!
Sorry about the novel but my friend felt alone w/ these emotions and I just wanted to share her story and my view looking in!
Your doing great!

Hello Jane,

Thanks for your honesty. Having a new baby really sucks. It was soooo hard for me. But, it all got so much better on the day that I began supplementing baby's milk with formula. Seriously, being able to pump just twice a day and breastfeed twice a day, giving him formula for the other half of the feedings was SUCH freedom! I became exhilarated with my new freedom and my baby blues went away within a couple days. It served no one any good to have a baby drinking breastmilk from a mom who didn't like him very much. Yes, that's harsh, but when you start feeling upset with your baby, it's time to make some real changes.

Oh wow - I know what you mean! There are levels to Postpartum Depression (PPD) and Andrea Yates (in my opinion) was closer to PostPartum Psychosis - which obviously pushes you right off the edge of sanity... Again - I'm speaking my opinion.

Call your OB. Just do it. She should be trained to know the questions to ask you to help you find out if you ARE feeling PPD. Don't wait. Don't argue with yourself (you're seriously sleep deprived and having drastic hormonal shifts!). Look at me? Being all bossy with you.

I can do that because I have been where you are. It took me far too long to ask for help - by which time my entire family was miserable!!! Like bessie.viola I struggled with it for quite some time - and was grateful for the help I did take. It took "the edge" off - for me and for everybody around me.

If you can GET SOME SLEEP - I highly recommend it. Do you have ANYONE who can come stay with you and the baby during the day so you can sleep? After you've spoken with your doctor, depending on what options you pursue - sleep is going to be your best friend. DON'T stress about laundry or housework or even showering if it's too much. Worry about feeding your baby when necessary, holding him, kissing him (even if you don't feel like it) - and then focus on getting sleep.

If you can write in a journal - unless this blog works for you - do it. Burn the papers, shred them, or save them to reread later - but writing could be very cathartic for you.

Do something nice for yourself. A pedicure with bright pink toenails? 3 of your favorite magazines? Your favorite flowers? You are NOT a bad person for all this - you may think it and some little voice in your head may be saying "you don't deserve..." or "you should be..." - but just shut that down. It's not true. It's part of the PPD experience. Feeling incapable, worthless, overwhelmed, unable to do anything. Just be, Mama Jane.

Let Tarzan calm him down for now - just keep holding your baby and feeding him when you can. Don't stop touching him or holding him if you can help it. Even if Tarzan is holding him, just stroke his foot like you did when he was first born.

You can be okay - even feeling like you're not. Please call your OB and ask for help from anyone who will give it. Most people I know drop everything for a crying woman - and you have every right to be a crying woman - you're a brand new mom! It's life changing in more ways than anyone can ever express!

And Congratulations!!!

What your feeling is normal! you need just need some help and a break here and there. If that doesnt make you feel better than you should talk to some one. I think everyone has a little bit of PPD after they have a baby. I felt EXACTLY the same way as you. I was very overwhelmed and sleep deprived. But it got better, by the time my baby was 3 months I felt great and I also had the breastfeeding thing down! Breastfeeding also helped alot with the bonding for me and my baby, if your pumping a lot and mostly bottle feeding it can interfere with that. But don't ever feel like you are a bad mommy. you are doing great and dont ever feel guilty because EVERYONE needs a break. I used to put my daughter in her crib for 15 mins when I was feeling overwhelmed, even if she was crying, and I felt so bad but I knew that 15 min break would make me a better mom! Just remember that you need to do what is best for you and your baby. Don't feel so bad when they cry, babies cry its okay!

I had severe PPD after my son was born (10 yrs ago.) It was horrible! I had to see a doctor right away and start medication. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, didn't want to touch my baby, had panic attacks, didn't even talk, and just cried and cried. My face was blank most of the day.

After my daughter was born 2 year ago I had some mild PPD. I would cry and wonder if was getting depressed again. I was committed to breastfeeding only and it was draining me in every way. I was overtired. I felt like I was trapped in the house and nothing was "normal". I went to a Psychiatrist and talked with her about my history and how I was feeling. She gave me antidepressants and I took them for a few days. Nowhere near long enough for them to start working. I started to feel better on my own. Things started to get easier and more "normal".

Everyone is different and I can't say for sure that you don't need to see a doctor but you have to know that what you are feeling is not unusual. Your hormones are all out of wack and sometimes you are going to feel fine and other times you are going to feel like you are losing it. It may help you to go talk to someone, just to get all your feelings out and get a different perspective on things. Your husband is wonderful but sometimes you just need that person that doesn't really know you to listen and tell you what they think.

I wish you the best of luck and I really hope that you start to feel better soon. It's no fun feeling this way when you want to enjoy every second of your sweet baby! Feel free to email me if you want to talk or have any questions!

I agree with Erin, Andrea had something much more severe than postpartum depression. What you are describing could be PPD, but all of those feelings are normal for a new mom. The reason the baby responds to T better at night is because you are tense and T is fresh and relaxed when returning from work. If you continue feeling so out of sorts in a week or two its time to talk to the doctor about PPD. Also this may get me ripped apart by other commenters but if breast feeding is making you miserable, stop. It does no good to nurse if you are depressed and resentful from it.
No one said a new baby is easy. But around the 6 week mark it gets easier.

Noah is 7 weeks old. With all 4 of my kids, I went thru a period of time feeling like that. It has been especially hard with Noah, because he was a premie and is colicky and apparently only I have the ability to calm him down. There are many nights that I too ide the tears and anger that towards my husband while he does other things while I tend to Noah (and the other 3). He works so I don't have to, so I deal with the feeling of "this is the way its supposed to be"

As other people commented, don't ignore it. While you may be quick to write it off as just being a new mother, these feelings can quickly become something more. Talk with your doctor. I know when I get to feeling that way, I need a break, even if it is just 10 minutes in the tub or a walk by myself. You need time to just take care of you. It is so easy to get caught up in the everyday tasks of taking care of your baby, that you forget to take care of you. I cannot tell you how many times my husband yells at me because its 10pm and I am just sitting down and I realize I havent eaten yet that day.

There are days, even now, that I dont feel all to good about motherhood. I mean, my kids are a blessing and I cherish them. But I miss the "old" me sometimes. Its ok to feel that way, most moms do at one time or another.

Some afternoons, when Noah is just too much to handle anymore. I will put him in his play pen in the other room, with the door open so I can hear him and then just sit and read email or write a blog or watch tv or whatever, even if it is just for 10 minutes. Its ok to do that. You will feel better if you take breaks,

Also, my husband yells at me for telling him that he should "know when I need him". Men are clueless...its that simple, sometimes, you need to tell them..hey the baby is crying could you please take him. Even if he works, he needs to know that taking care of a baby is a full time job (good luck with that 4 kids later and my husband has learned how to tune me out lol) and you need help. Ask for it.

Good luck with everything. As a mom with a baby pretty close in age to yours, please feel free to email me if you want to talk or vent or whatever...

((Hugs))

Melissa maustin27@gmail.com

Hi Jane ,what you are feeling is overwhelment of everything going on in your life right now it is perfectly normal.Babies are funny things and they have their good and bad days like we do but make no mistake it can be torture when they have a bad one and when you get stressed the baby senses it and it can have an effect while tarzan was calm monkey was able to sense that and he calmed down.It is only 3 weeks since you had him and probably feels like a lifetime already but it will change it takes time.If he does not settle try introduce him to formula milk for one or two feeds he might be just a hungry baby.If you want to talk more you can mail me.keep up the good work.Gillian

aww hun you sound like you need a break, a bit of time to feel like you again. It is easy to get lost in all the mummy tasks and thinking that is this it? It is perfectly normal to feel the way you do sometimes, but if it all the time then maybe you should just have a chat to your health visitor or GP. A rough few days can make make everything feel so much worse trust me i have 4 girls under 5!

I have recently just come off my tablets after suffering a brief period of PND, i felt overwhelmed,lost, felt like i was just pretending to be a mum not actualy doing a good job and beating myself up about it. A lot of my issues were becuase i was putting too much pressure on myself to be a 'perfect mum' if i didn't do what i thought i should do i would feel guilty, then feel bad about myself, then feel down, then to the point where i didn't want to live anymore.

I feel better now because i have relaxed, took a step back and took many a deep breath, sometimes i still feel a bit iffy but on the whole hings are looking up for me. You sound like every new mum, take a break, don't feel guilty, re find you, ask for help do not feel bad because you want some and most of all take care of you and that yummy baby xxxxxxxx

Andrea Yates had postpartum psychosis, which is a whole different ball game from postpartum depression, so don't discount your feelings just because they aren't severe. I do agree that what you're feeling is, to some extent, completely normal for a new mom. It's overwhelming to suddenly be SO in charge of another living being and one can be so desperate for a break.
When do you go in for follow up with your OB? I would absolutely mention all of this to your OB, or maybe even call before the appointment. While much of what you're feeling could just be normal new mom problems, it could also be hormonal, and for your sake, don't ignore it. Above all, just remember that you do your best for Monkey every day, even if that includes putting him in the swing so you can get some breathing room. It's okay!

Oh honey. I know, I know. It's so damn hard at first, isn't it? I think that what you're feeling is an indicator that you need a bit of a break. When you feel overwhelmed like that, you really do need a break. I know it's hard to get one, but you have Tarzan who is very willing to help - even if it can't be immediate, you can schedule a break. I know in the beginning that I felt better even just knowing that some freedom was on the horizon. Many times I'd hand Madeline over as SOON as my DH got home from work and run to the shower - it was a place to be alone, and I couldn't hear her crying over the water.

Also, my daughter used to do the same thing: scream and scream with me, than instantly settle with her Dad. I think now, looking back, that she could sense how stressed I was. Not another thing for you to feel guilty about by any means - but just reassurance that Monkey loves you like crazy.

You are a great mom. You are doing everything right, and you have nothing to feel guilty about! The swing is fine. You're doing a great job with him! Don't forget that you're still healing, and that bf'ing and pumping are HARD WORK. I know, I did it, and it is HARD. But you are doing so great, Jane. I know it feels like an act some days, but soon it won't be an act anymore, it will just be second nature, I promise.

And PPD? Is not all about Andrea Yates, like you said. If these feelings persist, absolutely call your OB. I am still struggling with some PPD after 18 months because I refused to get help in the beginning. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and it's usually just a result of hormones, which you can't help. Has nothing to do with you OR Monkey.

Email me if you need an ear - you've got so many people behind you. You're doing great. Hang in there, okay? I promise that these very hardest days will be behind you soon. But in the meantime, you have LOTS of ears! ((hugs))

I know this will sound daft, but now that you have admitted your feelings I think that things will start to get better. I did suffer from PND with Top Ender, but didn't tell anyone and it stayed with me for almost a year and a half until I finally admitted how I felt.

Please don't feel that you are alone, and don't think that you are a bad Mommy you aren't.

If you don't feel better in a couple of days do go and speak with someone, it might be the Baby blues that you get after babies are born and soon it will all go away and you will forget you ever felt like this.
:)