This will more than likely be my first and last rant on anything on this blog. I just have a few things to get off my chest and I apologize ahead of time for pressing the pause button on our normally scheduled blog posts…
Even before I begin, I just want to say that I much prefer our blog to be a place of learning, fun, and Jane being real about the journey of pregnancy and parenthood. I’ve always, always stayed away from negativity and subjects that seem to attract the “wild bunch” who seem to post comments on blogs to start fights, put people down, or just cause chaos. We’ve got no time for that junk. There are enough websites and forums that cater to that.
However, there has been a topic that I’ve wanted to bring to the surface for awhile now – and the two blog posts by Jane today really set a theory I’ve had for awhile in stone.
When HisBoysCanSwim was just a pregnancy blog, things were pretty much smooth sailing. Sure, Jane or I would get the occasional commenter who’d disagree or be a little annoying, but they were VERY few and far between. And during the months of December through the end of July, we only received one rude email from some crazy lady – and I don’t remember now what in the heck she was going nuts about but remember it was quite laughable really. But all in all, blogging through pregnancy was a breeze and a lot of fun.
However, since having Monkey, all hell has broken loose. Maybe it’s because we’re an anonymous blog and we’re free to totally speak our minds, not sugar coat anything, and not have to worry about what friends or family think, since they are unaware this blog. Maybe we’re a little too out there for some people’s comfort. Or maybe parenthood really makes worlds boobs collide.
Now the last thing in the world I want to do is start the whole breastfeeding debate here. I’m a little upset that some small battles have begun on Jane’s previous blog posts, but oh well, I knew it was coming the moment we posted Jane would no longer be breastfeeding. All Jane and I ask is that all of our friends, regular commenters, and supports, please don’t fuel the fire that the… well, not so friendly people are trying to start.
If you’re interested in yelling, screaming, going nuts, flaming people, and on and on, there are hundreds, maybe thousands of sites out there that are all for that in the world of breastfeeding. This blog isn’t the place for it my grandmother used to tell me that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. :)
But I do want to say that I’m SHOCKED by what Jane has read to me and shown me over the last few weeks. I’m sorry for my language, but holy shit, some woman are really brutal out there and the things they are saying to these new moms are horrible. It has really become the War of the Boobs out there – that’s for sure. Talk about a lot of unneeded pressure for a new mom, you know? Especially if she’s having a really hard time. Believe me, those woman are beating themselves up enough and don’t need someone to keep kicking them when they are already down.
I mean not that it matters, but Jane and I both are supporters of breastfeeding. It’s really a great thing! However, we also believe that woman have a choice, and whatever they choose to do and whenever they choose to do it is theirs (and their families) to make – whatever the reasons are. So I support the opportunity to also make a choice – and not have people bash you for your decision. God knows anyone deciding to or not to breastfeed – or whether or not to stop for any reason has had MANY sleepless nights and gallons of tears shed – no matter how hard it’s been.
Now Jane has to stop breastfeeding because of the medicine she’s taking. And the main reason for this post is the number of negative comments, emails, and some Twitter direct messages Jane showed me of people flaming her! Are you #&%$ serious?
People telling her that she’s giving up too soon, that she’s using PPD as an excuse to stop breastfeeding, that she really doesn’t have PPD and that it’s normal for her to feel this way, that she should suck it up and keep breastfeeding Monkey because formula is pure poison, and yet another who claims to have no respect for any woman who chooses not or stops breastfeeding for any reason whatsoever.
Standing on the outside and watching the Boob War unfold right before my eyes is startling. It’s scary actually. New mom’s have enough pressure – and for people to come out of the woodwork and post negative comments, send rude emails, etc. to someone who is suffering from postpartum depression is idiotic.
When someone is already feeling horrible, like their whole world is crashing down on them, and they’ve reached the point where they do not want to look at, touch, or have anything to do with the baby is beyond the time you need to call a doctor. And to bash someone who is admittedly going through the toughest time in her life emotionally and is truly, truly scared is completely soulless. Especially when admitting something is very wrong is hard enough to do – and then making the decision to do something about it to be a better mom to her child. But for some reason some people don’t see it that way.
Jane is a woman who has postpartum depression – and things got really serious over the last couple of days – which Jane has been fairly public about on her blog posts. Sure there are some other factors going on and more pieces to it that Jane and I chose not to go into detail on this blog. Who knows, maybe it would have made some people more understanding – but frankly, it doesn’t matter, and I actually doubt it. And it goes without saying that the things she did admit to, the things she did write were really tough to admit, and I commend her for doing so – as many of you also have.
After Jane read me her blog post yesterday, the last few days made a lot of sense to me. Her comments, her actions, and they way she had been acting was WAY off track the past few days. Jane wasn’t her normal self and she had put on a front. I asked her some questions and we discussed some things that made all flags go up and tell her, “call your doctor right now”. Things were bad and we need not go into all the details here.
Postpartum depression is very, very serious and cannot go untreated. I had a very close family member with a rare mental illness and lived most of my life dealing with many, many things that most people cannot even imagine. If some of the people flaming Jane were to live in my shoes for just one hour of my life growing up, they’d be singing a different tune – having a deep understanding of depression, mental illness, and the effect it can have on someone and those around them.
So Jane’s doctor prescribes some meds and gives her info a good friend of hers who owns a practices and specializes in helping woman with postpartum depression if Jane feels she needs to talk to someone. Perfect. I 100% support that and know Jane will be doing a 180 in the next few days.
So why is Jane not breastfeeding? Is she “giving up easily” or “taking the easy way out” as some have put it?
Well, everyone – including a HUGE warning that came with the medicine that says, “DO NOT BREASTFEED WHILE TAKING THIS MEDICATION”, Jane’s nurse, the pharmacist, what we’ve read online, and the paperwork with the medicine all said not to breastfeed.
Jane was crushed when she heard the news from the nurse, and tears streamed down her face. Even though she did not like breastfeeding, she felt she had to keep going and was pushing to go six weeks and reevaluate how she felt about it – hoping she would feel better and continue. I can tell you first-hand that if it wasn’t for postpartum depression kicking into a serious high-gear, Jane would have stuck to breastfeeding – NO MATTER WHAT.
YES, Jane did battle breastfeeding daily – and with every feeding. Yes, it was hard on her. Yes, it was not easy. We talked about it EVERY single day, but she was committed to keep going, keep pushing, and evaluate everything again in six weeks. I’m so freaking tired of people jumping the gun and making assumptions. Makes me a little sick to my stomach to think that they are attacking other woman who may not be as strong as Jane and may take a lot of things that people say to them personal. The fact is (which we have NOT disclosed on this blog ever) is that both Jane and I have lost people in our family very close to us to serious illnesses. Jane and I knew breastfeeding was proven to help with all sorts of things – which was Jane’s driving force to keep going.
People just don’t know the whole story of why a woman decides not to or has to stop breastfeeding. I doubt most would go into the intimate details of why they chose not to or why they had to stop because frankly, it’s none of people’s business. But people take it on themselves to chime in on their strong opinions – looking past the fact that there may be other things going on and their comments are only making things tougher on the person. Frankly, it’s heartless and foolish to hurt someone who is already down.
Anyway, with all of that said, some woman still felt the need to kick someone while they were down and post negative comments, send negative emails, and post negative dm’s on Jane’s Twitter account. That made me furious. It’s uncalled for. It’s low. Hell, some admit to not even reading the full post or know what is going on entirely, they just saw that Jane stopped breastfeeding and proceed to send crazy emails. Which frankly, some are extremely heartless and I delete them so Jane doesn’t have to deal with reading things that’ll hurt her, make her feel bad about herself, and so on.
I have no problem with people being totally pro breastfeeding – Jane and I are huge fans of it ourselves, but we’d never attack anyone who decided to stop or needs to for a medical reason. I’ll never understand why people feel the need to attack others when they are down. Maybe it makes them feel superior. Maybe they feel like they are actually doing something good? I don’t know, and frankly, I could care less on why they do it. I care for the fact they they do do it – and used Jane as a target.
Are people really that crazy to tell others not to listen to their doctor and everyone else and breastfeed your baby while taking meds that say specifically not to? I was floored by reading the posts and emails. And then it hit me…
These woman are probably doing this to EACH AND EVERY SINGLE WOMAN they find or hear about who is stopping breastfeeding for whatever reason. They all gang up and attack you it seems like – and God forbid you are going through postpartum depression, they could care less. My heart goes out to the woman who are being flamed and attacked by these people.
This is the first time a few crazy woman have gone after Jane, but I’ve seen them first-hand on other sites that Jane has showed me in the past. I thought they were bad, but what I’ve seen last night and today makes some look like heartless monsters thanks to their comments/emails/etc.
So all I’m saying here, is be warned… If you stop breastfeeding for ANY reason – even if your boobs run dry for some reason, and you make it public, get prepared to get some hate mail, idiotic messages, and shocking comments. It doesn’t matter if you’re about to lose it, it doesn’t matter if you can only produce 1 ounce of breastmilk a day or less (very rare, but does happen), you’ll get slammed by people. Sad. Really sad.
Now believe me, I’m all for believing in something very strongly – so strong that you’re compelled to share your message with others. Passion is a good thing. However, a line needs to be drawn when your passion or belief in something is so strong that you’re hurting people trying to get your message across. I’d say at that point you cross the line of being passionate about something to becoming obsessed, and you’ll do anything at a cost to get your message out there – including hurt people.
So again – let’s not debate the whole breastfeeding world. I’ve come to realize there will always be several sides and that people have very strong beliefs. Now don’t get me wrong, I am also fully aware that the “bashers” who go after woman who stop breastfeeding make up a very, very small percentage of pro breastfeeders. So please don’t take me wrong here. I’m fully aware that the wild bunch makes up a small group in an otherwise very, very supportive group of woman of which I have a LOT of respect for.
Let’s all agree that we all have our own thoughts and opinions. And if we disagree, well, let’s agree that it’s OK to disagree. If everyone saw eye-to-eye on everything this world would be a pretty boring place, you know?
So yes, Jane and I are aware there are some anti-depressants that say are safe to take while breastfeeding. However, we discussed it and decided not to call the doctor and have her change the meds she put Jane on for several reasons – no need to go into any of those here.
Not this leads me into what I’m calling, “The Post Pregnancy War”. Now please don’t take this the wrong way, but what in the hell is wrong with some people!? Does having a kid automatically get you into this parenting membership club where you suddenly have the right to share your ways of parenting, and if anyone disagrees with you, you attack them, and give you the green light to be annoying?
If it does, someone please cancel our membership! We’re not going to change who we are just because we’re parents. We’re not going to go crazy and share what we feel is the best way to raise a child, or tell other parents to do this or that because we believe it’s best. Why on earth are there so many people who do? It seems like nearly anything we do or say, someone finds something wrong with it or a reason not to do it.
We were ALL raised differently. We live in a time unlike any other where there are more product options, more choices, more research, more access to information, more, more, more. We’re advertised to over 1,000 times a day. Everyone is doing all they can to grab our attention. Combine all of this with the stressful world of parenthood and no wonder why some parents become so hooked on an idea and feel compelled to share their opinions – in a way that if no one agrees with them, they write people off.
We live in a world where social networking (Twitter, MySpace, FaceBook, etc.) makes it easy to “get new friends” so we’re quick to dump people who don’t share our beliefs and ideas. We’d rather surround ourselves with people who believe the same things we do, share the same parenting styles, and beliefs on how to raise a child than surround ourselves with a diverse group of people to expand your knowledge. It’s a crazy world we live in these days… especially if you are a new parent and choose to be public on any aspect of your child and/or parenting style/choices.
Sure, Jane and I disagree with some things people say – or don’t agree on a certain style of parenting. All parents do! However, we’ve never, nor will we ever flame people for being a parent and choosing to do or not do something. We try to figure out why someone may do something differently and learn something from it instead of passing it off as garbage because it’s different than what we’ve learned or what we know.
We believe that everyone has their own methods and reasons why they do something – and that’s good! We support people being different, trying new things, and doing what they feel is right and best for their child. We just don’t support the whole ‘I’m going to flame you and delete you from my friend list because you use a damn bottle warmer!’ type of crowd.
Don’t put Monkey in a swing… Don’t do this, don’t do that, only buy this, don’t buy that, bwaaa bwaaa bwaaa. Babble babble. I’ll be honest, it was much easier blogging about pregnancy than it is about being a new parent! Although WE DON’T and NEVER will, we feel like we have to be careful what we say sometimes. I hate that feeling. Now we’ll never hold anything back here, but Jane and I have caught ourselves feeling the need to on a few occasions (although we didn’t). It’s sometimes a battle to write something – knowing that you’re going to get flamed a little for it from some people, but that’s the road we’ve decided to travel on here.
As a brand new father, I am amazed at the world of parenthood – not in a good way. It’s sad actually. When it comes to the music, books, toys, DVD’s, and thousands of other items, you’ll find parents who are so for an item or a product they’ll talk about it until they are blue in the face – and you’ll find parents who are the opposite – and bash something until you appear to be on the same wavelength as them. Don’t people have something better to do???
So many people are influencing others that I can see how new parents can easily lose sense of self in the midst of the new-parent craziness. With all of this babble and noise, I’m amazed any of us get anything done sometimes.
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being a Daddy, but everyday I’m growing to not like many of the things that it brings in from the outside world – and the people and comments that sometimes also go along with it. Now I’m not just talking about blogging here. I’m talking about everything…
Like how every time we see Jane’s Mom she tells us how she doesn’t understand why we can’t put a blanket in the crib on Monkey. ”It’s to prevent SIDS and everyone has told us not to”, we’ve told her 1,000 times. She comes back with, “well Jane I used a blanket on you to keep you warm and you’re still here!” Word has spread that we don’t use a blanket and people think we’re crazy – because back in the day before Sleep Sacks you of course used a blanket. No one knew any better. But, they are stuck in their ways, which is fine, many people are. Heck, I’m stuck in my ways on many things too. I just choose to keep my mouth shut. 
There are at least 272 examples that I can give there ranging from the use of rice cereal, powder on a babies butt, all the way to how a baby should sleep when it comes to things we do that seem crazy to others. Parenting is the most opinionated-filled world that I’ve ever seen.
Seriously, what in the hell has happened to the parenting world? Has is always been this crazy and this opinionated? Has it always been filled with people lurking in dark corners ready to attack you if you do or say something that they personally don’t agree with or think is right? If so, get me the hell out of here! Time for Jane, Monkey, and I to move to the rainforest where I can swing from vines and be the real Tarzan to get away from all this craziness. LOL
Seriously, it’s really crazy what’s going on out there when you take a step back or look at it from the outside.
I guess all you can do is stick to your guns, do what you believe in, and do what you think is right for you and your baby.
After all, isn’t that what being a parent is all about?
P.S… I just updated the page “Cost to have a baby without maternity insurance” with the final total. EEKS.
You might also want to read:
- Breastfeeding Issues: Is it just me, or do other Moms feel this way, but just don’t tell anyone?
- Postpartum blues, help with breastfeeding, and ramblings from an overtired Daddy.
- Past memory of postpartum depression, breastfeeding Monkey, & my dog
- Follow-up to previous post about postpartum depression
- Breastfeeding: Let’s talk painful nipples, shall we?
= a post from Mommy Jane 
= a post from Daddy Tarzan
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{ 75 comments… read them below or add one }
HOORAY for you! Preach it Brother Tarzan!!
Tarzan, your post was really long so forgive me for not reading it all but, you’re dam skippy! I’m a breastfeeding mom but I REFUSE to bash a woman that tried and found a better “place” for herself than attached at the breast to a baby for hours a day. Jane, and you, made the right choice.
Don’t even mention using a breastfeeding cover. Talk about starting a war!
((hugs to you guys))
I will say this… after your first baby, you learn not to take these things so much to heart. I’m not saying you are or aren’t, or that you shouldn’t be upset over people flaming Jane for stopping BFing (I don’t blame you for being upset over it!), but I do remember getting more annoyed at the differences of opinions from people with my first son, whereas now with #2, I’ve learned to roll my eyes and go on. Just remember that what you are doing is best for you, Jane, and Monkey.
Also, with regard to people saying she was looking for the easy way out… give me a break. I know there are some women out there who do use excuses to quit breastfeeding, but generally, I think that happens within the first week. Why would she struggle on for 3.5 weeks, then look for an excuse to quit, especially after being so honest about trying to go for six weeks before re-evaluating. PPD is hard enough, without all of the stones being thrown. I wish that everyone would step back and realize that the important thing here is not breastfeeding, but Jane’s health and well-being.
Unfortunately there will always be close-minded (I prefer the term small-minded) people in the world who will turn their nose up to any ideas or suggestions you might have for them. But when they see that someone disagrees with their opinion or has gone against what they think is the norm they are the first to attack. Teeth bared, claws out, and a fire in their eyes that could intimidate the strongest of people. It’s a funny thing, these people don’t understand that wisdom and maturity don’t come from being close-minded but rather from being open to everything and learning to your fullest ability. This means knowing all sides of an issue you find important before passing judgement.
I haven’t posted very often but I hope Jane knows that she has been a huge inspiration to me as I see so much of myself in her. The timid feelings about becoming a mother and what will happen when my child arrives. Surely she’s aware that there are more people out here to support her than she could ever imagine. With all the love and sincerity in my heart…
Angee
do not let anyone tell you how to feed your baby.. If you are feeind your baby good, nutritrious formula, and giving him all of your love, you are DOING IT RIGHT. Some women are not cut out for breastfeeding. I tried, with both kids. I did not last more than 3-4 weeks. It is HARD. Some women enjoy it- I knoew someone that did it THREE YEARS. I wanted my body BACK. And it was ok to want it back. Monkey is getting what he needs. And you may get more rest and feel so much better.
The breast feeding nazis can shove it. I am all for when a woman wants to do it, but I am so against judging someone for deciding not to.
You are OK. And Monkey will be OK. I remember the guilt of quitting, too. BUT you have to do what is good for you, too.
Now please women, motherhood is hard enough without all the judgements.
Get over it and let this woman find her way. Help, not hurt!
“Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being a Daddy, but everyday I’m growing to not like many of the things that it brings in from the outside world – and the people and comments that sometimes also go along with it. Now I’m not just talking about blogging here. I’m talking about everything…”
Oh Tarzan… you are a million and one % correct. Be it family and friends, blog comments or even your Pediatrician. Everyone has something to say, solicited or not. Just wait till an old hag in the grocery store spouts off something. Seriously! I had a lady grill me because she thought my child’s pants weren’t long enough for the weather. I had a creepy guy tell me in the cereal aisle to “just keep pushin ‘em out, lady”. He was pissed off because I have children close in age.
In real life, you have to shrug it off. Keep in the back of your mind that (most of the time) they are just trying to be helpful. I have perfected the fake smile and polite nod. If someone presses me, I let them know that this is the choice we made for our child, but I appreciate their input.
Now with the blog… and I tread lightly when I say this, but if you put it out there, you have to take what comes back at you. Of course you know that already. Unless you monitor your comments and delete the crap ones or close comments all together, that’s gonna be the only way to deter the people who don’t agree with you/gripe/complain/bitch/moan/wail/and on and on….
As a writer myself, you won’t stop the haters. It’s just part of the deal. Sure, you can address it (and you should on some subjects), but they will still post their garbage.
Lastly, you two know Monkey the best. I’ve said that before. He is YOUR child. You are responsible for him and will raise him according to what you and Jane have decided. Past that? It’s all gravy, my friend.
I am so disappointed that people feel the need to judge your decisions. Breastfeeding is amazing, wonderful and HARD. I had a lot of difficulty breastfeeding and it was a constant struggle. After a few weeks, I decided to exclusively pump and feed. The extra step was exhausting. I did that for 13 weeks (my goal was to make it to 12) and switched to formula. My daughter just turned a year and is doing great. Taking care of a baby is hard work and you have to do whatever is best for baby AND Mom. I’m so sorry things have been difficult. No one took the easy way out. You do the best you can to care for you little one and formula provides nutrition too. I cannot stand people who inflict their opinions on others without knowing all the variables.
My sister shared your due date (she delivered a wonderful baby girl on 7/20) so I’ve enjoyed following your journey. Take care and enjoy that little one.
Loved your post Tarzan! I’ve been having trouble with my neighbors constantly giving me unsolicited advice on everything from what I need to be doing to keep the weeds in my yard down to debating whether or not my puppy is overweight (he’s not, and that’s according to the vet). I complain about it to my mom, and she said “Oh, just wait until you have kids!” I’ve heard from friends and family that not only are people constantly giving advice, but as you said, some of them are really nasty about it! What a shame. Having a baby should be a wonderful, exciting time in your life, not a time to hide in the house, cut off from communications, because some people can’t accept that there is more than one “right” way to do something. As you’ve both said a number of times, you and Jane are Monkey’s parents, and in the end, weighing the answers you get from your doctors along with your own common sense, you’ll always decide what’s best for your family. I hope that I can be as strong and true to myself when I have my own kids. I’m glad you spoke up about something that’s so disturbing and I’ll definitely continuing reading!
I didn’t read your whole blog yet, but I wanted to say this: People should respect others’ choices. I chose to breastfeed for 18 months, and that is my choice. But, I got criticism from people who thought I was “gross” for breastfeeding for so long. I had my reasons, and they are very valid reasons.
I think this is true for Jane too. I advocate breastfeeding. BUT I DO NOT JUDGE if she chooses to formula feed. Women have tons of reasons not to breastfeed. I was told once that someone chose not to breastfeed because she didn’t want her boobs to sag. OK?? Well, who am I to judge? I actually sometimes wished that my daughter would have taken formula sometimes so I wouldn’t have to stress so much to pump at work. Luckily my work as a mother’s room so I could get privacy, but most places of business do not.
So I say this dear Jane and Tarzan (and baby Monkey), do what makes your lives the happiest. Kudos for doing it for as long as you have!! I will tell you this for certainty, I stressed about Breastfeeding sometimes, and I could tell this stress was being picked up by the baby. I was able to do some things for myself that worked toward resolving this. However, I don’t think this can be true for all women. You have to do what is best for the overall mental health of your family too. If you are so tired and so upset and so stressed about BFing, it will reflect in everything. And, in my humble opinion, if you are all happier by formula feeding, and Monkey is thriving, do it! Do what is best for your family. and delete or poo poo on any one else who judges you.
I am sending the biggest hugs your way at your decision. I am far behind on reading your blogs as my little toddler and work keep me busy, but I will catch up if I can and hopefully provide more encouragement your way.
*sigh* It really is sad that the online drama means that you had to take time to write a post like this. So very sad indeed (probably why I rarely post about nursing). Let me simply say that you and Jane both know the people that have been here cheering both of you on since before Monkey was born. The two of you are grown ups and have seen that each child is different and you learn from trial and error with your own baby. I hope that you do not dwell too much on the negative that has been tossed your way and see the light at the end of the tunnel now that Jane is getting the assistance she needs. Hugs to all of you and with any luck you will be able to spend more time together watching Monkey grow and less worrying about Jane’s health.
I think you guys are awesome/ hilarious/ amazing parents/ totally in love/ …. and don’t let anyone tell you different. Do what feels right to you, and it will be right. Hang in there and soon things will balance back out and start feeling normal. You have a wonderful foundation of love and equitability and humor on which you can rely, and your family is only getting stronger.
Best to all of you, out in the jungle!
Lauren
I do think that every woman deserves to make choices in her own life about her own body.
But when you bring another life into the picture, and decisions are being made to THAT person, and you choose to be completely public about those desicions, and you SOLICIT advise, you take what you get. Its like Hollywood stars complaining about all the attention they get from the paparazzi.
I don’t understand how you can’t comprehend that Jane’s decision to medicate/stop breastfeeding is so misunderstood. The simplest issue is that there are alternatives to the path she seeminlgly very abruptly took: namely choosing to take a drug that would prohibit breastfeeding. There are antianxiety/depression meds that CAN be taken while breastfeeding. There is talk therapy. There are natural herbs and vitamin therapy. And just time. Many of the things she blogged about as being indicators of PPD can also be very normal post partum feelings related to the huge changes that occur in life when a baby is born, sleeplessness, changes of routine, role changes. So when she went immediately to medication that was contraindicated for breastfeeding, I think many of her followers were really confused.
I feel like people who bash for quitting breastfeeding are kind of like the women who bash those who opt for the epidural. There is no reward for going without, kudos to those who do the whole thing but DO NOT judge me for not wanting to be in pain! I think you guys made the right choice. Luckily Tarzan you were there for Jane to help her realize she needed the help, I can only hope my fiance is that observant. I think we will talk about this soon actually, I am 35.5 weeks today! I want to breast feed but if for some reason I feel the way Jane did I feel that I will make the right decision and do what is best for me and my daughter. Spending time with your new baby should be enjoyable and if you are depressed and need medication that cannot/should not be taken while breastfeeding then the resolution seems obvious. Obviously research shows that breast milk is best but formula has been used over and over again and little Monkey will be fine. You will both be happier that you can enjoy feeding time together and I promise Monkey wont judge you
Good Luck in the War. I’ll fight on your side *hugs*
You are a good one, Tarzan. This is yet another example of manning up!
Jane, don’t fret a bit about what some frenzied nutters might say on the interwebz or in real life or wherever people with sweeping statements choose to reside. You are taking care of your adorable monkey and your lovely self. If some people truly find themselves so deeply and emotionally impacted by the decisions of others that they need to respond with cruelty and malice, then they have far deeper issues than any of us sane people can begin to address. (This is in fact one of my greatest concerns about becoming a parents: I fundamentally find parents… annoying. Hah.)
In short: Don’t even think twice about anybody else other than your nice husband and great kid. So there!
*applauding* Tell em Tarzan!! It’s no one’s business how you chose to feed your child. PPD is nothing to play around with. Formula can’t be all that bad, look how many babies are fed formula on a daily basis? Personally I didn’t breastfeed my boys. Then again, I only carried 2 in my body, the other was carried in my heart. I bonded so closely to my middle son (my non-bio child) that after my youngest was born, he couldn’t wait to help feed him. Take care of Jane, Monkey will be perfectly fine on formula. As long as he’s loved, & you use a doctor recommended formula, there won’t be a problem.
Great post! You are doing what you know is best for your family, and your baby! I think you did the absolute right thing by stopping BFing and getting help. Monkey will do great on formula. You are great parents!
However, I would like to make one small point in reference to some things you said at the end of your blog post. You talked about how you don’t appreciate all the advice and opinions that people have about parenting. I have followed you for the last few months, and I read every one of your posts and tweets. And I’ve noticed that you frequently ask for advice or opinions on different things, the most recent case being when Jane (after deciding to stop BFing) asked what formula brands people recommended. So please don’t bash people for giving you their opinions or advice when YOU solicited it.
Thanks for listening, and thanks for having such an honest, open blog.
*Cheers and claps* Tarzan!! I am 35 weeks pregnant and am experiencing the same things with people who have had children. It seems everyone else knows best and frankly it’s very frustrating. I get very irritated, but have decided to just tell the people whom give me very unsolicited advice (though i do appreciate some of the advice i get…),”Thank you for sharing.” and that’s it. We all have to learn in our own way, and we ALL know that each child is different so therefore things work differently.
Thanks for having such a real blog! And thanks for calling out the morons who are, well, just morons!
I’ve got to join the chorus of folks cheering you on. Those breastfeeding nazis should shut their traps. First of all, trying to guilt/jeer/insult someone into continuing to breastfeed is a tactic bound to fail no matter what the mother’s reasons for not breastfeeding. When someone tries to put a ton of pressure on me to do something, it makes me want to do the opposite thing. I’m sure I’m not the only one who reacts like this. As my mother always said: You get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.
Secondly, while gentle advice and encouragement are fine, people have got to know when the decision has been made. Whether they agree with your decision or not, it was a decision for you and Jane to make, not anyone else. Even if I didn’t agree with your decision (I do agree with it), it wouldn’t be my place to start spouting off about my lack of agreement. All of us commenters are here to provide moral support and perhaps some advice from time to time (pre-decision, when asked for it), but that’s it. Once a decision is made, a commenter can either wish you the best or not comment at all. As my mother always said: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
Finally, not every piece of advice is applicable to every baby (or Mommy or Daddy) in exactly the same way. Yes, breastfeeding is preferable, but there are perfectly good reasons why a woman wouldn’t be able to breastfeed. Jane’s health and happiness trumps her breastfeeding. It definitely wouldn’t be good for Monkey or Jane if Jane’s PPD went untreated.
We went against advice also. We were told “back to sleep” so many times when our first child was born that we were afraid to put him to sleep on his stomach. Yet, every night he refused to sleep on his back or sides. Finally, in a fit of exhaustion/desperation, we let him sleep on his stomach. He slept like… well, like a baby.
I wouldn’t have wanted to hear from people screaming at us that we were awful, irresponsible parents for daring to place our baby on his tummy to sleep. We made an informed decision based on our assessment of the situation and we stuck by it. You’ve made a decision based on your (and your doctor’s) assessment of the situation and we’ll all stick by you.
First let me say – thank you for this post. As a new mom, I feel like everything I do is judged by those that think they know better. My daughter is two and a half weeks old and although the breastfeeding is going well, I find it a struggle just as Jane did. I have not developed any signs of PPD (yet) so I am continuing to breastfeed and struggle with it several times a day. I hope those that bash and give their opinions in a negative manner will look at the situation for what it is – a personal decision in a person’s life. Everyone who breastfeeds has to stop sooner or later and those who choose to stop later have no basis to bash those who choose to stop earlier, for whatever reason. I have come from lurkerdom to offer my support for Jane, Tarzan and little Monkey.
Hi Tarzan,
Unfortunately, you can’t return your membership card to the parenting club, and soon enough you won’t want to. While there are a handful of members who belong to the “breastfeeding police” (term taken from parenting.com see link at end of post), there are so many parents who are incredibly helpful to others.
As a new mom myself, I consciously select friends and abandon others, based on their need to judge or criticize or complain. You’ll do the same with your friends and then soon enough you’ll have an awesome group of comrades who help you figure out the little things, like how to persuade you son to use a sippy cup. And you’ll be so happy that you’re a part of this really cool world of parents, all working hard at keeping their marriages and families strong.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Here’s the parenting.com link. Worthy read: http://www.parenting.com/article/Baby/Feeding/The-Breastfeeding-Police
It is SO sad when people get confused about who to attack. Even as a very committed Lactivist, my personal feeling is that it is NEVER the Mother’s fault if breastfeeding doesn’t succeed. This mess that our society is in wasn’t created by Mothers, so it isn’t their responsibility to fix it. When formula companies spend billions of dollars and every sneaky tactic ever dreamed up to sabotage breastfeeding how can we ever blame a Mom? That is cruel and wrong. It’s like blaming the Jews for the Holocaust!
The only response to a Mom having trouble with breastfeeding should be: “Is there anything I can do to help?” or ” Here is some information that you might find helpful.” or ” Have you tried this yet?” and ALWAYS: “Don’t be hard on yourself. Breastfeeding works best when a Mom has a web of understanding support. In our society, the web is broken. You didn’t break it, but it’s not there for you when you need it” ALWAYS validate a Mom’s feelings!
If things were going the way they should be, a woman would be able to use a wetnurse or have a friend cross-nurse her child, in situations where it’s needed. If our world valued Moms then the frst six weeks would be a time when the Mom would be wrapped in a cocoon of love with every need fulfilled so that all she had to do was nurse her baby and rest. We don’t live in that world. I WANT that world. We need to BE the change we want to see so my rule is: Wrap a new Mom in a cocoon of love.
First, I’m sorry I’m in a rush and don’t have time to read all the comments and previous posts, because perhaps this has been said but —
If Jane wants to stop breastfeeding, that’s her decision.
If she’s being told by her doctor that she must stop breastfeeding, although she doesn’t want to, she should consult another doctor.
There are PPD meds that are more compatible with breastfeeding, and stopping breastfeeding exacerbates PPD.
Not just for women who are sad / disappointed about being told they must stop, but it’s a chemical / hormonal / physical thing.
When the body suddenly is told that it no longer needs to make milk, the hormones go wacky, and the body, for lack of a better word, “mourns.”
So, again, I won’t criticize her choice, but if this isn’t really her choice, please know that she does HAVE a choice.
Here’s an article about PPD and breastfeeding, including info on meds:
http://www.kellymom.com/ppd/index.html
Best of luck to you all!
Oops, I also want to add that most docs really don’t know alot about meds w/breastfeeding, and tend to “CYA” and tell moms to wean.
A great resource for info on risks of various meds is:
Medications & Mothers’ Milk by Thomas Hale
http://www.kellymom.com/store/books/meds.html
i am also one of those left wondering when the decision was so abrupt, but now i see there were things you didn’t get into about the depressed feelings and the choice of medications that were important but not obvious to those reading, perhaps because they are too personal. ultimately we can never know all the reasons in someone’s heart why they choose to breastfeed or not, so i do not seek to judge, but i seek to inform and then support a mother and family in their informed choices.
i’ve talked to a number of women who weaned against their wishes because of incorrect or incomplete information about their medications from their doctors or pharmacists – as new parents i think it’s reasonable to assume you haven’t encountered the fact that not all doctors are up on the latest lactation and medication research, as we are in a culture that sees very little breastfeeding beyond the early weeks – so few doctors have any experience with supporting breastfeeding. the risks of the medication should also always be balanced against the risks of weaning, and again doctors may not have followed the most recent research on that because it’s a field that’s just starting to be explored and doctors receive so little education on it in school, if any! and even though you two are satisfied with your need to take this step, there are so many reading your blog, especially pregnant mamas who are learning from your experiences, who deserve to know that in some circumstances there are medication options compatible with breastfeeding, or there may at least be an option to wean slowly to ease the transition for mom and baby. sure, not every circumstance allows it, but i’d hate for mothers to come away thinking they either must wean if they need antidepressants, or conversely that they may not seek help through medication if they are in the throes of depression and want to breastfeed – the latter could be particularly dangerous!
i think the issues around the time of birth of a baby are so controversial because they are so hard to undo – you can’t go back and get a vaginal birth for your child if you had a c-section, you can’t uncircumcize… and while you can “unwean” and relactate, it’s a difficult path dependent heavily on luck, timing and pure determination, so a moment like then when a family is at the point of decision brings things to a head… and yet the parents living in the moment with a newborn are sleep-deprived, have just had their world up-ended, and can’t take weeks to read lots of research studies and deliberate cautiously and get second and third opinions so you have to go with your gut – and in our culture, again with so little support for breastfeeding (from birth to yes, three year olds
) the reality very well may be that bottlefeeding is more sanity-saving. if you know you’re being true to yourself, then congratulations… if you have doubts, but need to move forward, that’s just being human. welcome to parenthood!
my boobs, my baby, my business!!! cant belive you even have to defend yourselves. who do these people think they are, why is their opinion so important??!! GRRRRRRRRR…………….
Jane is VERY blessed to have you and your understanding! PPD is real and scary! Y’all are doing the right thing! Feel better soon, Jane!! You can contact me if ya need to talk!
Thanks for all the comments everyone. Firs and foremost, I owe everyone a correction, rather minor tweak to my above post… (@Ella and others…)
When I mentioned the whole deal about people commenting about their thoughts/opinions about parenting/parenthood, those who commented that Jane and I often seek advice from people here and on Twitter – are 100% right! All the time actually! Especially throughout pregnancy… and I’m sure more to come. I should have clearly stated I was referring to people being negative, bashing you, and feeling the need to push you in one direction or another.
Sorry about the confusion there – we always welcome comments/feedback/etc. and people’s advice when people are positive about it – even if they/we disagree, that’s OK.
After all, we’re a blog – and going into this we of course knew that there would of course be comments on our posts.
So yes, we do very often ask for advice and surely will continue to do so. It’s just the “bashers” and the unwelcomed and/or unasked for comments I’m referring to – online or off. Sorry for the confusion.
So yeah, we’re blogging about real life things and never expect to have everyone agree with our every move – that’s for sure. But when people go overboard can start attacking, that’s when I say those go into the unasked and unwelcomed category.
I’ll get to the rest of the comments soon… and will post a follow-up comment.
Thanks again guys. You rock.
Tarzan
Excuse my language but here’s a quote my dad always told me:
“Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one.”
Hey Tarzan, I’m only a few months ahead of you guys, my LO is almost 4 months old and you hit the nail on the head on so many topics/thoughts/themes I’ve had running through my mind since my girl was born. I’ve become so insecure about parenting techniques, how/when to feed, how to teach your child to sleep, etc., that it really is a nightmare sometimes. I loved the line you wrote: “when your passion or belief in something is so strong that you’re hurting people trying to get your message across” because I feel as if that is all too easy to encounter in this new world called parenthood. We’re first time parents too and we’re learning a lot and what I have to remind myself that works for us may not work for others and vice versa in order to try to weed out all the trash. And to Jane, my reoccurring line from the first two weeks of trying to breastfeed was “nursing sucks!” (with a double meaning, of course), because it was oh-so-hard and exhausting. When I made the decision to just pump, a weight was lifted off my shoulders too, so I can totally relate to how you felt when you made your new feeding decision. It’s been really nice to read your all’s thoughts since having Monkey and it’s reminded me what the first blurry month was like and all the craziness and hormones and emotions were like. I want to say things will get better for you and I hope that they will! Please keep being honest, no one can flame you for speaking truth (in love)!
I just want to shed a little light on why I think so many people are telling Jane about other options.
This line from your post…
“Jane was crushed when she heard the news from the nurse, and tears streamed down her face. ”
….makes it seem like Jane really wants to keep BFing, and is only stopping because she feels she doesn’t have a choice. However, from what I have inferred from your other posts, Jane actually feels good about stopping because she realizes it’s the best thing for her (and your and Monkey’s) emotional well-being.
So for all of you out there who keep telling Jane about other meds or options, please stop. I think they are happy (or at least at peace) with their decision, despite that unintentionally misleading sentence in the blog post.
Tarzan or Jane, please feel free to correct me if I’ve misinterpreted your feelings.
@Ella, you’re right. When Jane heard the news, I’m sure she was flooded with a lot of emotions – everything from feeling like a failure, to having to get on medication, to admitting she had PPD, and I’m sure many, many other things. Even though Jane was having a tough time with it, she was keeping it up in hopes that one day it would get better.
Yes, we agree it’s the best thing for her on many levels and for many reasons. I wouldn’t say we’re exactly happy about everything – at peace with it is spot on.
And Monkey must sense things too. He hasn’t cried at all today and hasn’t been fussy at all either – and things were getting crazy around here. VERY much so for all of us. He must have sensed Jane’s energy or something. Monkey is noticeably different/better today and MUCH easier to manage – as Jane has done pretty much of everything as I’ve been working on and off and ran out to do some errands.
I’m sorry you get so many negative comment. It seems (mainly with women but I’ve seen a few men out there as well) that as soon as you become parents, you automatically have opinions and become inclined to tell others how to parent themselves. I’ve learned that there will be many people looking down on you for what you do or do not do. Sure, I might throw things out there, but it doesn’t mean I expect or turn my nose down on anyone who doesn’t follow a suggestion. Parenting is not the same for everyone. Opinions and suggestions are just that; opinions and suggestions. Nothing is meant to be adhered to. Also, when battling PPD it’s much harder not to take things to heart. You, Jane me and many others readers out there know you want whats best for your monkey, so I say shoot to the others and continue being a great daddy and mommy that you are to your monkey. Because, when all is said and done, when these blogs are over, we will quickly be forgotten. All that is left is your family. And really isn’t that everything in the world that really matters? Monkey is probably different because the stress is not as bad.
While I’m disappointed Jane quit breastfeeding, I totally understand that she felt she had no other options. I am *extremely* angry at your doctor (& doctors in general actually) for choosing to give a breastfeeding mother a medication which hasn’t been studied enough yet to determine it’s safety when there are many medications which have been extensively studied and shown to be safe which she could have prescribed. This is an extremely disgusting trend by doctors. They either give unsafe for breastfeeding medications or they refuse to medicate at all until the woman weans. http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/08/misogyny-medication-breastfeeding/ is an interesting blog post about this issue.
I really, really hope that when Jane is back to her old self, she doesn’t regret quitting. If she does, I hope she keeps in the mind the possibility of relactating, even if she still has to supplement. And, if nothing else, Monkey got a good start & if you guys have another baby, Jane can try breastfeeding again. A great thing about nursing a second baby, even if you just nursed the first for a little while, is you tend to have a better supply.
Monkey needs a happy mommy. Not only are you doing what’s best for you, you will also be adding to the quality of your son’s life by not feeling so unhappy. Your son is all that matters in this debate.
When I was 20 weeks pregnant, I was hospitalized and very nearly gave birth to my son. They had to stop my contractions and figure out what was wrong with me (I had lost 20 pounds in a matter of three days). It ended up being a kidney infection (from the position of the baby) that almost put me on dialysis and could have given me sepsis poisoning (grandfather, aunt and cousin have died from this in the last few years). I was hospitalized for a week, put on rounds of antibiotics and was ordered to take four every day for the remainder of my pregnancy. When my son, now three months old, was born, I was put on a heavy course of antibiotics as soon as I pushed him out. I was HEAVILY criticized throughout my pregnancy for being on the antibiotics. In the end, my son is perfectly happy and healthy (I never BFed, only formula fed-Similac Advance actually), surpassing all his milestones with ease and is in the 90th percentiles for height and weight. My son needed a happy, healthy mommy. If I had not taken the meds I was prescribed, he wouldn’t have had that.
BFing does not work for everyone. As someone who has a history of depression (and developed PPD), what your son needs most is a mommy who can provide him a happy life. Breast milk is great, if you can provide it, but formula has certainly come a long, long way.
Keep in mind that most anti-depressants take 6-8 weeks for you to feel the full effects…though for me, if worked in a matter of a few days. Things will get better and you will feel that bond you deserve with your son once that stress is lifted.
(And having such a supportive partner as Tarzan is wonderful, really. I can’t say that enough!)
I love your honest and I hope that that never changes. I am just barely pregnant and all ready I have the MIL and friends telling me I have to breast feed because there is no other way. My whole life I never thought I would be able to because I have 3rd degree burns on my boobs since I was 3 and I always excpeted to breast feed. If I can I totally will but I always had in my mind I would formula feed. What makes me angry is even before they know my circumsatnces they jump down my throat telling me I have to do this. Even after I tell them that they still push it down my throat. So I understand (a tiny bit) where you guys are coming from. What really made me mad on your last post (I could only read about 4 comments before I freaked) was that Jane was so honest about her feelings and is trying to get help for it (with the meds) and people were bashing her saying she gave up too early blah blah blah. She is doing what is best for her and Monkey and people were still pushing their opnions down her throat and that just makes me so pissed off. I am so glad you guys are honest about how you feel and what’s going on because I feel like I can trust you guys so I can know what to expect when my little one comes. And it takes a lot of guts to say that and I’m sure having people bash you after you are so honest would just make me never be honest again. So please keep us the honesty!!! I am sorry if I’m rambling or not making any sence. I tend to do that. My point is that I support you guys and I wish the best for you guys. I hope those A$$ holes didn’t get Jane upset or down. She (and you Tarzan) are so great and you guys are great parents!!! Thanks for posting this.
** Oops I meant I always expected to bottle feed**
You guys do what works best for your family. PERIOD.
I’ve made decisions (about breastfeeding, in part) that I hated and regretted, but at the time it was what was best for my family, and I don’t regret that part.
You do what you have to do, and that’s that. Other people can just deal with it.
I feel a lot of what you wrote about. 13 weeks ago I gave birth to my son. It was early because I had problems with preclampsia. Usually that goes away right after birth, but in rare cases it takes up to 6 weeks for it to go away. I was in the ER 2 days after I was released with very high, stroke level blood pressure. The doctor put me on medication right away. Medication that prevented me from breastfeeding. But as you said, it was the best thing for me. I was useless to my family since I was battling high BP. I had to take care of myself so I could take care of my son. That meant no breastfeeding if I wanted to keep him healthy. I do not regret my decision. I hated breastfeeding but was trying to do it for my son. As I tried with both of my girls before him. All of them are fine and healthy. But the flack I took for my decision was great. People who did not know my situation would walk right up in resturants and give me hell. I think my husband was very close to making sure they never bothered another woman like that again.
I totally support a woman’s decision. It is their decision for their family. Tolerance is something our society needs to learn. People can disagree but we need to be civilized about it. Disagreements make us better, but not if they are just flame wars.
I support you totally. Tarzan, Jane and Monkey. You are a family and that is all that matters. You are doing a great job!!!!
I can’t believe you’ve received enough negativity to warrant this post. Ridonkulous!
I found that the people who gave advice did so for one of two reasons. 1) Their own insecurities & needs to make themselves feel better. 2) Trying to be helpful.
Both reasons are annoying & you eventually start to just let it slide off your back. I figure if my mom wants to judge me because we’re using cloth diapers (”but disposable are just so much easier, you’re crazy!”) than so be it. There’s bigger battles to fight, she can just judge away.
Everything will start to feel less “raw” soon – I promise!
Wonderful post….it’s so sad that you had to defend yourselves though. I think this blog is the most refreshing, entertaining, inspiring, and just plain adorable blogs I’ve read. The two of you are real and will not apologize for who you are and what you believe- THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.
I’m pregnant and get so frustrated with all the unwarranted opinions, suggestions, complaints…etc.
I wrote on my blog the other day:
Doesn’t make too much sense now does it?”
“Long story short is every woman is different: different heights, different weight, different shape, different eating habits, different exercising habits, different limitations, different babies, different beliefs, different experiences, different priorities…etc. With that being said, why in the world would anyone expect us all to think the same, look the same and do the same?
This can also be said for every human being that makes any decision in life- you have no right to judge or force your beliefs if you have never been in THAT person’s shoes.
My mom breastfed me but not my sister. My sister is a perfectly healthy, normal, brilliant (has advanced degrees in both architecture and nursing), well-adjusted and wonderful. I am not so bad myself
All a child needs is love, comfort and support and nourishment (in whatever form it comes). but most importantly, LOVE. you two seem to be providing that ingredient generously. that’s all that matters.
why do people criticize so fiercely or say they are “disappointed” in Jane? why are there terrorists, racists, neo-nazis, bible-thumping hypocrites, facists and gang-bangers? who knows? why do human beings pick at each other and make each other feel inferior or guilty for choosing different life paths? who knows?
feel proud for realizing that your monkey needed something different than you were giving him before it went too far. and dive into your own little cocoon of three and keep being each others’ best safety net, support and biggest fans.
we are all privileged that you have chosen to share such intimate details of your life with us. i hope we learn things about ourselves from you instead of judging you.
Long time reader, first time commenter here.
My wife and I are about 8 days behind you (daughter born 7/28) in the new-to-parenting experiment. We have also found breastfeeding to be extremely difficult. We’re fortunate in that it seems to have stabilized and is working OK for us, but having experienced how hard it was for us, I will never judge anyone for how they handle the same issue.
I think that some people think that if another parent does something different from the way they did it, that difference becomes a rejection of their own parenting experience. It’s sad that people react this way, but I’ve already seen it myself. One of our challenges has been when to introduce a pacifier. My wife posted about this on her facebook page, and we got the most ridiculous responses from people who are supposedly her friends! We got everything from, “Don’t listen to your doctor” to “stick a plug in that baby now!”. Insane.
Whatever parents decide is their own decision, and it sucks that others feel the need to judge. I guess that’s the price we pay for being public about our experiences.
Alright. Just read each and every single last comment by all of you while eating some vanilla ice cream (Blue Bell) and a nice piece of apple pie. Mmmmm… For the long-time readers, you may remember my strange ice cream addiction back when Jane was pregnant! Thankfully, that has passed – but I still love it!
First, it’s great to see so many new names and see so many lurkers show your face… well, name you chose.
Thanks for reaching out to Jane and I on this and Jane’s previous posts.
Jane has been reading all of the comments as well – minus the time I had to pry her away from Twitter when she got going back and fourth with someone who was going after her a little. I told Jane let’s drop it and move on – no need to stoop to those levels. We’re better than that.
She jumped off – but of course after saying some final words I’m sure. Ask me how I know she’s the type who likes to get in the last word! ha ha
All of your comments have been SO helpful and have made Jane feel A LOT BETTER about everything. Seriously, Jane is noticeably lighter and moving quicker. She was in slow-motion over the past few days it seemed like.
I wish I had the time to @ reply each and every single one of you – you deserve that, but with so many comments, that’s a little tough to do!
I hope the past day or two of our wild and crazy posts have been helpful. We had a feeling the bashing would come when we posted everything like I’ve said, but never expected such an explosion ! LOL However, we always want to be real and upfront and if that means getting some hate mail, bad comments, whatever, so be it. We’re not going to change – and if anything, this has helped me loosen up when it comes to blogging openly about the parenting/baby subject as a whole whereas before as I mentioned in the post, sometimes I had to fight the ‘what will people think’ monkey on my shoulder. (No, not our Monkey!)
We cannot please everyone – nor will we try to. However, Jane and I really get a charge hearing from people – such as the many in the comments above and on Jane’s posts when someone tells us that we’ve helped them on something they’ve been struggling with. That’s cool and makes our blog serve a whole different purpose than we had ever imagines when we first started this for fun. And don’t worry, we’ll always keep it fun – but inevitably we’ll post things that get people all hung up… like… do I dare say it??? Uhhhh Ohhh… Like Monkey’s next doctor’s appointment and his shots. I have a feeling we’ll get heat on that one as well – but oh well. We’re doing what we think and feel is best and it’s all out of love – and that’s what it’s all about.
And a crazy thing is that I expected for this post to get many comments I’d have to sift through and delete if they were way out of line, said things I didn’t want Jane to see, or used too much R-rated language like some of the wonderful emails we received. So how many did this post get? None.
And I personally want to thank those would would normally jump all over a post like the above for not doing so. Good for you.
Because if you did, there’s an entire army you’d have to battle with of people above me here! ha ha
So I officially retire the subject of breastfeeding here. Of course you’re more than welcome to comment, but I’m officially retiring it as a subject that I’ll be talking about. There are bigger things I’d like to share with you guys – like the post I’ll be posting tonight or tomorrow.
It’s about the final cost to have a baby – - – and the CRAZY amount of money we’re about to pay for health insurance for Monkey! SERIOUSLY out of control… and I’m freaking out about it…
OK, well, Monkey is making noises and stretching – I gotta run.
Thanks again for your comments guys – we appreciate you!
A happy Jane=A happy Monkey
@jcloudm … It’s great to have a fellow Daddy here like @TechyDad – glad you guys took time to post about this issue. First of all, congratulations and welcome to fatherhood!
Seems us guys take a backseat when it comes to the forever-lasting debate on breastfeeding – at least publicly. We obviously go through everything with our wife; being there for support, comfort, a shoulder to cry on, encouragement, etc. though. And that’s the most important thing. I’m glad that everything worked out for you guys and I’m sorry to hear about your FaceBook experience!
And that reminds me… Jane and I have tried and tried to give Monkey a pacifier. The only time he’s taken it and not spit it out was during the car ride on the way back from Jane’s parents. Other than that, he wants nothing to do with a pacifier. And come to think of it, I believe I was the same way. I need to check on that – but I do not recall seeing any baby pictures of me with a pacifier. Like father like son I guess! But who knows, maybe he’ll like it when he’s older.
I’ve yet to do any research on the pro’s and con’s with pacifiers or what to do if your baby totally refuses it. One of these days I’m sure that will be the subject of the next heated debate on here. LOL
@Madge – You are 100% right! For the first time I think EVER Monkey has not cried ALL DAY. Sure he gets fussy when he’s hungry, but compared to the screaming over the last few days, being fussy and squirmy is nothing. He’s noticeably happy!
I changed, fed, changed him after posting the above comment and he was a very good boy! He didn’t cry one bit during the normal times he’d cry during the whole process.
It’s so nice to have a happy Monkey.
Also, a happy Monkey = a VERY happy Jane and Tarzan!
P.S…. Where is Peta!? Peta has been a reader and commenter since we first started. Last we knew she was due to have her baby – come back and let us know how everything went! This gave me an idea… I’ll write about my idea in my next blog post and see if you guys think it’s a good idea… And Peta, where are you? We’re about to send out the search party for you. LOL
It never ceases to amaze me how polarized the parenting world is with certain subjects. There is always the circumsise vs. not, breastfeeding vs. formula, SAHM vs. working mom, TV vs. no TV and the list goes on and on. On a mom bulletin board I belong to because most of our babies are around a year old, the current debate is whether or not to do extended rear facing in car seats. People are leaving the board over some of the things others have said. Some moms have actually told others that they are going to kill their kids if they turn them forward facing too soon! What is up with that?
I genuinely belive in my heart that as parents we’re doing the best we can and as long as we’re feeding our babies, loving our babies, and taking care of ourselves as parents so we can take care of our babies, then we’re good. I like to ask for advice because I am a first time parent and sadly my baby didn’t come with a manual, but I am also learning what to listen to and what to realize is insane and deserves the delete button. Our kids are not carbon copies, no one can say across the board that all babies should be a certain way. I also like to be able to give advice to others when I can because I remember being in their shoes just a few short months ago, but I hope and pray that I am never rude or demanding and those parents know to take what they want from my advice and chuck the rest that doesn’t work for them!
I agree that it’s too bad that Jane has to take a medication that doesn’t allow her to breastfeed, but obviously her doctor felt it was necessary for reasons that aren’t any of our business. Right after I had Darling Girl, I got a terrible UTI that wasn’t treatable with the standard antibiotics. I ended up on an antibiotic where I had to pump and dump for several days. No one questioned that because it was an antibiotic and very necessary for my treatment. Why do people feel like PPD and depression is any different? It is an illness. It is an illness that is VERY SERIOUS. It MUST be treated. Above all else, Jane’s mental health is SO important so that she can be healthy enough to take care of Monkey. As my OB told me countless times, if mom isn’t healthy then the baby isn’t healthy. As Tarzan said somewhere about Monkey not crying today, babies know these things. They sense them. They’re a lot smarter than we give them credit for. Obviously Monkey knows that mom is on the way to being better and that’s what matters most to him.
My favorite saying is, “I don’t care how you’re feeding your baby as long as you’re feeding your baby.” Too true. Too true.
Good luck. Ignore the haters! And I’m with Jane, always get the last word in!
)
If you’d like Monkey to have a pacifier, try different brands. We had latching problems (breastfeeding) with G (had to use a shield the whole time) which seemed to carry over to the pacifier (and the bottle, but that’s a whole other story.) We just tried different kinds until she took one. She’s never taken another brand since.
First of all I want to say I am so very sorry that those people were so horrid to you guys. I do not understand what makes people think they have the right to SHOVE their beliefs down any ones throat. I believe in being strong in your beliefs but flexible to others.
Let me tell you that everything will be fine. I tried breastfeeding with my son and I failed. I hated the way it felt. He couldn’t latch on to my ginormous boobs and dang near drown every time he actually got on. We were both miserable and in tears and as a single mother I had no support. I tried pumping breast milk and bottle feeding and I failed at that too. When my son was 6 months old I switched to formula. You would have thought I was trying to poison my son when people found out. Obviously you guys know the feeling. The last thing I needed was to feel like I had failed at yet another aspect of pregnancy, birth and parenting. *sigh*
The good news is my son is fine. He is MORE then fine. My son is 11 years old now. He is tall and strong and healthy. He very rarely every got sick in the last 11 years. My son has been in highly gifted programs for both math and reading since the first grade. Formula does not make them sick or even less healthy. It does not make them less smart. You are NOT hurting your child in any way shape or form. No matter what any one else says. My son is living proof of that.
(((HUGS))) What ever you need to do to be healthy and happy and their for your child is the best parenting choice you can make. Please don’t every let anyone make you feel bad for your decisions. Only you know what is right for your family. Good luck! I hope the meds help and all is well soon.
Good for you for seeking help if you felt you were suffering from PPD. No one should suffer in silence.
However, saying that you HAD to quit breastfeeding because of the medication is untrue. There are other meds that would have allowed you to continue to breastfeed. I understand that you chose to continue on with the medication you were prescribed. So it was completely and totally your choice to stop breastfeeding, it had nothing to do with the medication. BTW I don’t care that you chose to stop, I care about the message you are sending.
Please don’t say you had to quit because of the meds, I feel you are sending the wrong message to other soon to be moms or new moms. They can still breastfeed if they desire to do so AND be treated for PPD. There is NO reason any mother should have to stop breastfeeding to be treated for PPD unless she so desires.
Just be honest. Breastfeeding wasn’t for you (and that’s fine) don’t use the medication as your excuse. You say you aren’t but you are. There were other options for medication, and you knew about them but you didn’t want them. This was your way out of breastfeeding and again that is fine. You wouldn’t want to be the cause of someone else stopping breastfeeding to be treated for PPD would you?
Some people are just idiots. Unfortunately the internet is a forum they can use to spread their rude opinions. I guess some people don’t understand that when a DR prescribes meds, 9 times out of 10, they do so with your and your babies best interest in mind. They would rather you breastfeed. However, some people can’t take other meds due to one reason or another. Not everyone can take something safe for baby.
Your body, your baby, your life. No one else matters in this situation. Do what is right for you regardless of the reasons.
To Krista and the others trying to second guess Tarzan and Jane’s PPD drug choice,
Were you there in the room when Tarzan and Jane decided with their doctor which PPD medicine to take? No? Then you have no right to second guess their decision. Perhaps there are reasons why they choose Drug A over Drug B that Tarzan and Jane just didn’t get into in their post. They don’t owe us a complete medical explanation for all of their actions. They chose the drug they chose and that is that. We have no right to tell them “oh you should have made a different choice.”
In addition, no one should tell them “don’t listen to your doctor when he says not to breastfeed on this medicine, he doesn’t know anything.” To quote Tarzan:
BTW, when TheAngelForever and I doubt whether or not our doctor is right about a drug’s reaction, we call her brother. He’s a pharmacist and they need to keep up on this stuff even more than doctors do. They know about all the latest studies about drug interactions, side effects, effectiveness, dosing, etc. If a pharmacist says not to breastfeed while taking this drug, I’d say stop breastfeeding.
Tarzan and Jane are doing the right thing and no one should be attacking them for it. The most important thing here is treating Jane’s PPD. As madge put it: “A happy Jane=A happy Monkey”.
TechyDad – Thanks! It’s so refreshing to know that you actually read what was written instead of just forming your own opinion about what happened & then judging or saying that my message isn’t a good one. It would be nice if more people were like you.
You rock & I appreciate it!
Props to you, Tarzan, for standing up for Jane and for the (completely appropriate) choice you are both making for your family. It’s far too easy on the annonymous comments section of a blog to rant and rave and say crazy things one can only hope the speaker would seriously reconsider if they met someone face-to-face. It sure is a lot easier to judge when your face and name are not attached to a comment and when the faces and names of those you are judging are unknown. I love your blog and your honesty – please keep it up!
What you mean we’re not doctors or pharmacists and we can’t tell you to ignore what they say and what to do? I am shocked! Shocked, I tell you!
Honestly, I can’t believe that people are still saying that you’re doing the wrong thing! I also find it funny that people are worried that new parents will take your story and treat it as gospel. We’re all parents. We’re all in this together. We’re all doing the best we can. Let’s try and support each other and give advice and remember that we’re not doctors so don’t take it as gospel!
Tarzan, regarding your pacifier comment. Darling Girl took the pacifier they gave us in the hospital briefly off and on until she was about a month old. Then she refused to have anything to do with it. Now that’s she’s teething, she’ll take it occasionally, but only to chew on it! I guess some babies just aren’t into them! Who knows?!
There are so many judgemental people in the world. I applaud your decision to do what is RIGHT and HEALTHY for your family. That may be different for you then it is for someone else, but ONLY you get to make that choice! I am glad that you are getting the help that you need to overcome PPD!!
Blue Moon Girl,
Now that I think about it, I hope that new parents *do* read Tarzan and Jane’s posts and take them as gospel. By that I mean that I hope new parents examine their own situations, consult with their physicians, make their own informed decisions and then tune out the idiots who rant and rave about how the decision is wrong because they (the idiots) disagree with it. If that’s the gospel, sign me up for the choir!
i cannot believe you got so many negative responses and direct messages on twitter WTF??? who do these people think they are!! (rant over) I hope Jane goes from strength to strength, i’ve stopped my tablets for a whole week now and i’m back to my old self, she will get there i promise. xxxx
You know Techy Dad, I hadn’t thought of that way, but you’re right. I do hope that this means that people go out and make informed decisions with the help of their doctors. Hopefully Tarzan and Jane’s posts help people out there with PPD or who are struggling contact their doctors and their families and get help! Sorry for taking over your comments with our conversation, Tarzan and Jane!
Something my husband and I learned very quickly about being new parents to a two and a half week old baby is that everyone has their opinions on how to raise a newborn…Whether it’s about breastfeeding (or not), bathing, soothing, sleeping etc. I am so sick and tired of hearing how other people are doing it and them assuming that because it worked for them it’s bound to work for you. I guess my take on it is, you have to do what feels right for you/your husband and your baby. I think you’ve done a heck of a job trying to breastfeed Monkey as long as you could…It’s way better than no breast milk at all. I continue to struggle with with this issue too and feel like all I do is feed my baby and hope she falls asleep! I don’t feel like I have bonded with her because I feel the happiest when she is sleeping! So, you’re not alone. I think it’s so courageous of you to be honest with how you’re feeling with Tarzan and making that call to the doctor to ask about depression and medication to treat it. Don’t you dare feel guilty, you’re doing the best for yourself and for your baby. You’re being a great mom by taking care of yourself so you can be there for your baby!
forget about the haters! you guys are amazing parents and you should already know that
Sigh. I was really, really hoping you guys wouldn’t have to deal with this. Please try to ignore all the people who are giving you sh*t about because the two of you know that you’re doing what’s best for your family, and that’s all that matters.
Kudos to you guys for doing what’s best for mommy and that in turn equals what’s best for Monkey!!! It takes a bigger person to realize they need help and accept medication than it does to berate someone as a nameless entity on the internet. You often see horrific examples of PPD and wonder why these people didn’t go get the help they must have deep down known they needed…maybe they were too afraid of being judged, maybe they just didn’t care but I like to praise the ones who do know enough to get help before tit gets to the point when the tragedies happen. (I’m not trying to say either of you would ever hurt monkey just saying it takes a bigger person to get help than not.) So good for you guys!!!
I am planning on breastfeeding my upcoming twins but if it proves too difficult to nurse 2 and still take care of my other 2 young kids we will have to make some tough choices, that’s life and while I would mourn the loss in a way (as I am sure Jane did) we can take solace in knowing the best possible choice is being made for OUR family.
Good job guys!!! best of luck to you Jane to start feeling better, you will be enjoying new mommyhood soon and it will bring you even more peace about your decision!!
Tarzan,
One of the things in your post that struck a chord with me is how people react to someone’s taking action about the fact that they may be suffering from depression (post-partum or otherwise). There’s such a strong stigma attached by society and I think it’s BS. I once went through a period where I thought I *might* be depressed (no baby involved) and I sought help. Unfortunately I was also in the military and you have to disclose that kind of stuff to your chain of command. My boss treated me like I was a complete lunatic and my performance evaluations were never the same (for 2 years after), despite the fact that my performance never faltered. I had counseling and thought it was the best thing I’d ever done. It turned out that I wasn’t actually depressed (yet), I was just super stressed out, but probably would have become depressed had I not gotten help. Now, I’m an advocate for counseling (and medication if that’s what you need) because I hate the stigma attached and find that just talking it out can sometimes make a world of difference.
I’m proud of you for recognizing Jane’s symptoms and urging her to call her doctor and I’m proud of Jane for keeping a positive outlook. I’m learning a lot by reading your blog, as I’m at week 18 in my pregnancy with my first child. Good luck to both of you!
Look at all of the kids running free in the grocery store screaming and throwing tantrums to get their way, are never disciplined because “they are only 4 years old!” wind up in gangs, on drugs and a drain on society. Why would anyone take advice from others when there is evidence every day of parents you clearly shouldn’t take advice from. Through an anonymous board you have no idea what these parents are like and whether they indeed did anything right! It truly is safer doing what YOU think is right for your child!
The fact is…..there is no such thing as the right way to do something. The only wrong way to do it is any way that is abusive. Good parents that have more than one child know this all too well. They can be perfect parents to the first one and then appear to be bad parents to the next…..fact is, they aren’t bad parents at all. The children are different and require different things. Only you will know what your child needs and what is right for him. Right on for getting on medication……once it kicks in you will know what a life saver it is and will not have any regrets! Jane spent 9 months with her hormones slowly increasing every month which resulted in “Hurricane Jane”. Once baby T came out, those hormones dropped over just a few short days! This has a HUGE impact on brain chemistry! Yes, some women aren’t as affected as others but for a majority this dramatic change is not good. Hang in there and know that you are doing a great job! Parenthood is all about trial and error and just like life, you can’t learn from others mistakes, especially when you are dealing with another human being with their own unique personality and needs.
tarzan, tarzan, tarzan. first i have to get one thing off my chest. the word “woman” is singular. for one woman. the word “womEn” is plural. for more than one woman. sorry… that was just a pet peeve that i had to mention. you learn something new everyday
ok.
as for the whole breastfeeding debate, people are insane. i can’t even believe there are people out there who go out of their way to start fighting about not breastfeeding. is this THEIR kid?! no. so they should respect your decision and move on with their lives. it’s ridiculous, really. there are millions of parents out there who decide that breastfeeding is not for them and choose not to go that route. if formula and powder were THAT horrible, it wouldn’t have been made in the first place. the people who came up with these baby foods, believe it or not, were not idiots. they put tons and tons of vitamins and necessary essentials for baby’s health. the people who waste their time arguing about this just have way too much time on their hands. they’re not baby tarzan’s parents for a reason. and although i’m pro breastfeeding and i hope that after i give birth i will be able to, i understand that there are many circumstances where people can’t. just don’t focus on the negative and focus on something more important – like your son!
don’t give them more to talk about. just ignore it and let them think whatever they want. baby tarzan will grow up a cute, healthy little guy regardless of their opinions! and tell jane not to worry about them either. she’s doing great and any day now she’s going to come around and love being a mother even more!
Thanks for all the comments guys and words of encouragement. As far as the comment from @TechyDad about hoping new parents will read these related posts about the craziness we’ve gone through as knowing it’s OK to make your own decisions and doing what you feel is best while keeping you, your baby, and husband/wife in mind. I believe as long as you honestly feel you’re doing the right thing and have all the best intentions in doing so, you can’t go wrong.
@Ruth … ha ha ha. Since having Monkey and my often late-night ramblings I know my posts have been sub-par when it comes to proper grammar. Some days I’m lucky to be able to spell my own last name right – let alone even try to remember it! Jane has caught so many errors, some really funny. Some I’ve gone back and edited – and others I just keep because I just don’t have the energy or time to. So I apologize ahead of time, but I have a feeling there may be a few more grammer eroors as tim goes onn.
Yes, it’s true that when a mom is into medication, it is not good to breastfeed a baby. I think, Jane did the right thing.
Holy Tarzan, no-one should expect you to be able to even form coherent sentences when your baby is this young! Sleep deprivation kinda eradicates grammar.
I wouldn’t post again, especially on a thread that SHOULD have been dead ages ago, BUT I have to refute a couple of things that Ruth said because she probably doesn’t know any better. It kinda blew me away when I learned these things.
Formula is not really as nutritious as Ruth thinks. There are reasons why it should be avoided. When it was created, it was NEVER intended to be used as a substitute for real breastmilk or to provide full nutrition for a baby. It was created for medical emergencies only. For times when say a Mom dies and the baby is isolated and there is no wetnurse available. Back when it was created, this happened all the time. Formula was created to keep an infant alive long enough to get them real breastmilk, either by bringing the baby to another Mom, or by bringing in a wetnurse.
Unfortunately, the companies that took over the manufacture of formula realised that they could increase their profits if they marketed their product as superior to breastmilk and convinced Moms to quit breastfeeding and switch to bottlefeeding formula. Since once you start using formula your brestmilk dries up, Moms were trapped if they made the switch. Talk about a captive market! Profits soared. However, Moms who couldn’t afford the formula or all the required gear would dilute the formula, use unsterile water or in some other way not follow optimal lab procedure and babies started to die. A LOT of babies died. The United Nations got involved and tried to stop the Formula companies from hurting babies with their marketing and the battle has been going ever since. Formula companies have tried constantly to improve their products, but I have even heard from one of their own scientists that they are very aware that they can’t come close to replicating all the health benefits of breastmilk, never mind the benefits of breastfeeding.
The reality is that there are still medical emergencies where formula is necessary. It certainly sounds like that is the case for Jane. I’m sure that she and Tarzan will be very diligent about ensuring that Monkey’s bottles are all made correctly. But in a perfect world, a wetnurse would have been made available to Jane a long time ago. That way she wouldn’t have suffered so much, and Monkey would have received the best nutrition for him. Chances are he’ll be fine. Lots of babies survive formula feeding. The fact that they survive it doesn’t mean that it is desireable or a choice that parents should really make for anything other than very serious reasons. It’s like second hand smoke. Not every kid exposed to second hand smoke will be harmed, but it’s still dangerous.
This is why people feel the need to butt in. Most people have no knowledge of these things so the people who have learned the truth want to share. However it is always worthwhile to remember that you shouldn’t attack the victim. I wish I could speak to all the people who want to support breastfeeding and say “Don’t blame parents for the sins of the Formula industry, don’t blame parents if they don’t breastfeed. Chances are, they REALLY tried but were totally sabotaged by the multi-billion dollar machinery of an industry that REQUIRES the wholesale failure of breastfeeding everywhere in order to succeed and meet their bottom line.”
Parents are NOT the enemy.
Tarzan, Jane, rest assured that you ARE doing the best that you can. You did a risk/benefit analysis and made a rational decision. That is the ESSENCE of good parenting. Not every parent does in fact make the right choices and do the right thing or the best for their child. Mainly when they fail it’s because they go with their gut without questioning. There are loads of bad parents out there. In my experience, the best ones are rational, committed and compassionate. Seems to me like you guys have those qualities, so have at ‘er!!
Great post Tarzan!
I think you’re right about parenting being a subject where everyone seems to have strong opinions. Heck, even non-parents tried to give me advice when I was raising my two. I’m sorry that you two have encountered some seriously obessessed types. Most reasonable people know when to keep their mouths shut and just live and let live! I think the internet creates these monsters. It’s so easy to be anonymous and say things you would never say to anyone in person.
I haven’t had a chance to read up on the recent events on your blog yet, but I get the gist of what’s been going on. Jane: hang in there girl, you have a great man who is with you 100% and you’re getting the care that you need thanks to him. I agree there is NO SHAME in getting help when you need it (in any form!) and a HUGE KUDOS to you for giving breastfeeding a very good effort. You have given Monkey a great gift of several weeks of breastmilk and antibodies that will be very beneficial to him. *standing up and clapping* I know it was very hard for you and believe me- I do understand.
When my kids were babies, I had the opposite problem. In my ex-husband’s family NOBODY breastfed thier kids. It just wasn’t even considered. I think that within their culture over the years a stigma developed that breastfeeding meant you were too poor to buy formula and that breasts were considered sexual and shameful, NOT functional. I found that really upsetting and I got the raised eyebrow whenever any of them realized I was breastfeeding my baby. I even have a video of my ex feeding my daughter her first-ever bottle (she was a few weeks old) and he looks at the camera and says “finally- a real feeding!” or something like that….sheesh.
Anyway- my point is that whatever you do as a parent- there is always going to be someone who thinks you’re doing it wrong or that they know a better way….it’s human nature. Sensible folks know that you should only give advice when it’s asked for:-)
Sending big HUGS to you both.
whenever yu put your information out there people are going to have an opinion. Its just part of the internet. I am a boob nazi but i understand that some people cant do it. 3 percent of women are unable to breastfeed for whatever reasons. I just get upset when people give up because its too hard. Anyway…as long as you have a healthy happy baby its ok. As for people making comments about pharmacists and doctors knowing which meds to take or not take while breastfeeding…they dont always know. I went to a pharmacist to see what i could take for a sore throat ad cold and she said she didnt know. Really?! Thats your job. And on a different type of note…there is a drug that is commonly used for inducing labor that says on the label not to use on pregnant women. A huge picture of a pregnant belly saying not to use it. They still use it…so kudos to your doctor for seeing it says not to use while breastfeeding and actually abiding by it. However i am upset doctors arent more supportive of nursing mothers
Tarzan: Excellent post. The tendency to rip apart the decisions of others without appreciating the complexity that inform their choices is an awful characteristic and unfortunately rampant on the internet.
You clearly love Jane and it is evident in your numerous posts that you both want the best life, health & happiness for your little monkey.
In my opinion, the boob gestapo is like any other fanatical group: unrepentantly unwilling to concede to whomever diverts from their position, despite just cause and thorough consideration before doing so. I can see it even in the belittling… “I guess under these special circumstances Jane’s choice not to breastfeed makes some sense BUT I would NEVER give up breastfeeding even if I had to endure [insert horror here] and CERTAINLY there must be some other way to treat this issue that suits my position on breastfeeding” posts.
I wish you both continued good humor in the face of endless (mostly) anonymous criticism.
And Jane, BRAVO for being so brave, getting help for your PPD and taking care of yourself so you can parent your monkey!
With great affection for your entire family,
Kate
I think women can do whatever they want, and will make them feel normal, and be a better mother. Personally, I breastfeed for as long as I can (abt. 2 years) but if a woman, for any reason, decides not to, that is her perogative. no other woman has a right to get “Mad” or “upset” as I see other commentors posting. Why the hell is it your business? do you know what they are going through? If they feel that they will be a better, saner, calmer, mother/wife/woman without breastfeeding than they shouldn’t breastfeeed. AND IT”S NONE OF ANYONE ELSE”S BUSINESS. You do what you want with your boobs, and let other women mind their own.
I am absolutely in love with both of you, Jane and Tarzan.
This is a fan-freaking-tastic post. We were so adamant about breastfeeding, but then we battled many of the same issues you guys did, and PPD as well. I was talked into nursing while on my meds by LCs and LLL leaders, even though my son’s pediatrician advised against it. However, once I could see clearly (thanks to the meds) I had the strength to realize that I was doing more harm than good to my baby by nursing. He was allergic to my milk (which contrary to what many breastfeeding “experts” will tell you) and miserable… I won’t bore you with the details (you can read my story on my blog. I also tackle a lot of the subjects you covered here). And there was always the nagging voice in my head that cried foul on the concept that my antidepressants weren’t going to affect my baby… how could caffeine, alcohol, heck, even dairy and chocolate go through breastmilk and have an effect on a “nursling”, but meds wouldn’t, you know?
Regardless… I felt so much better when I switched to formula…until the nursing nazis came a-calling. And my husband, god bless him, was the head of this particular Gestapo. It took him a lot longer to see the light – but once he did, he felt the exact way you do, and he was stinking MAD. He has now become the most Fearless formula feeder of all, ready to go postal on anyone who heaps guilt on someone for any parenting choice. I read him this post and he applauded. You absolutely rock and I just want to say that your kid is very lucky to have the two of you as parents.
Oh and by the way… comments like Cassaundra’s really get me. Don’t blame the VICTIM? Are you kidding me?
Formula is perfectly nutritious. Yes, the formula industry is as money-grubbing and unethical as any other; however, that does not negate the fact that the product they make is really great. Breastmilk is wonderful is many cases, but it just isn’t the best option in others. Don’t listen to propaganda like this- it will make you crazy.
You might be interested in a book that a scholar by the name of Joan Wolf is coming out with next fall… it is called “Is Breast Really Best” and goes into all the metastudies and basically rips this whole craziness apart with ration and science. I can’t wait!
I am a first time mom and while the thought of formula never ever crossed my mind, my little one was born with bladder exstrophy his bladder on the outside of his body plus severe jaundice. Because of both of these I was not always allowed to be with him, when I found out the nurses had used formula instead of calling me ( I was sleeping in the lounge) I went bonkers! So i understand the whole idea of formula being absolutely awful and I never ever want to use it, but on the other hand I too suffered from absolutely awful PPD, after all who wouldn’t? Everday I blamed myself for his condition but I continued to breastfeed, every 2 hours I was awake, running down to the hospital a block away with no car, even 2 o’clock in the morning. Then at 3 months old after his first 2 of many surgeries he got the flu while he was also detoxing from morphine and lortab they gave him he’d been on it for a month straight every 4 hours. For 2 weeks I didn’t sleep more than a total of 8 hours, or have anything but little bites of whatever I could grab with one hand and shove into my mouth. I didn’t sit or lay down all I did was rock him and hold him and walk him around and around, and his appetite was awful he wanted more and more and more but all he did was throw up. I had to give him formula I wasn’t producing enough milk less than 2 oz a day because of it but I continued and now he’s better and I am still trying to make enough for him to eat but it’s hard especially with PPD. So to all of you out there who want to hurt Jane’s feelings because I know that none of you have ever had PPD or probably have any problems in your life you can take your opinions and shove it up your snooty butts. Oh and Good Job Jane for getting help, it’s hard to admit there’s something wrong