The bad days just keep adding up… I just want to feel normal again. Please.

I know that this is an older post of yours but I read it for the first time today and it made me cry. I've been there and I know those feelings all to well. I struggled with PPD after the birth of my second son and I remember feeling so isolated from everyone. I also had this image in my mind of the wife and mother I was "supposed" to be and I felt like I wasn't living up to it. I really like your honesty and I hope you realize that by writing these things you reach out to all moms who have been down this road.

Hey Mandie! I'm totally on the same page with you when it comes to reading sad things or even watching the news. My parents don't understand why I don't read the paper or watch the news. I just don't want to be exposed to that sad & sometimes really brutal negativity... Anyways, no worries on not reading this post, I'm sure there are tons of others that couldn't bring themselves to read it bc they are just like us.

I am really, really glad that you talked to your doctor about help & having PPD again. Great job!! Is the medicine helping you? I feel like I'm ready to get off mine - I'm scheduled to get off on January 15, but I'll admit that I'm really nervous to do so. I guess we can just take it one day at a time & I still have a little over a month before I start weaning off of it.

It's also REALLY helped with my anxiety, so naturally I'm fearful of that too. Anyways, now I'm just rambling. Glad you left comments & glad to have you as a reader. Good luck to you & your kiddos :)

i know this post was from a long time ago, but i never read it because i was pregnant and i have a hard time with things like this (i can't even watch the news because there is so much sadness)...

i had ppd as well with my first two children, it was the worst with my second. i never asked for help when i should have, and it ended up making my life into a living hell for about a year. i'm so happy you were able to realize that things were not as they should be, and i'm soo happy you have such a loving husband to stick by your side. you're really a lucky girl!

i just gave birth to my third baby and the doctor prescribed me some meds even before i left the hospital. reading your blog actually helped me to have the guts to tell the doctor that i'm afraid of having ppd all over again and that i need some help.

you guys are awesome. thanks for being real.

Dear Jane and Tarzan,

I know first hand the Hell you (both) are living right now, and the consuming guilt you (Jane) struggle with.
I suffered postnatal depression with both my children and was very ill for a long time. The first time was worst as I/we didn't know what was 'wrong' with me and because I kept on hiding it from myself, my family and the world around me. Not even my husband knew for a long time.. The shame was so immense.
If you want to contact me/my husband, we are / I am so happy to be there for you. My email is charlottaward@y7mail.com.
Tarzan - my husband may be able to give you some support as he lived in the shadow of this cruel 'family illness' for a few years.
My advice to you for now ..
- Scale back life to a size that you feel you can manage. If this means neglecting friends & extended family, so be it - YOU, the three of you, are the core and the ONLY important thing right now.
- Remember that none of this is 'rational' - the illness builds illusions of pure and raw emotions, so don't try to rationalize anything. Just let things be as they are and try to get through one day at a time.
- Hang onto the love for each other and your baby Monkey. Life will return eventually and everything will be beautiful again! I promise!
xCharlotta

I'm sorry things feel so awful. I read your post about the visit to the Psych. doc. (Horrifying! PLEASE tell your OB so she will NEVER refer anyone to her again!!!!).

I just want you to know that this is NOT your fault. That you are a GOOD Mama (it's the depression that tells you otherwise), that you are NOT alone--so many of us go through this. And most of all, that you ARE going to get through this. You will come to the other side. And it will be a TRIUMPH. So many of us have, and so many of us will tell you we came through to the other side and we are BETTER for having had to go through the hell.

I am one more random bloggy-stranger out here who cares and who is praying for you.

I have a 12-day old baby, and while I don't suffer from PPD, I have felt myself broken open again and again to make room for this new little person. The thing that helps me is to contrast this feeling so open, vulnerable, emotional, and out of control with my "old" self that, by comparison, was closed to this whole new crazy realm of emotion. When I'm crying (for any number of reasons), I just think "open, open, open" and it helps. Hope it helps you too.

I wish I could FedEx you a hug. So many of us have been there, as you can see from the comments. When my first child was born, we moved overseas when he was just 5 weeks old, so I dealt with this as well as culture shock and had no family or friends around except my husband. Trust me, it was painful (and kind of insane, in retrospect).

Still, it doesn't help your immediate situation to hear that others have also suffered. Just be sure you reach out to all the resources you have--family (are your own nearby?), your doctors, your friends.

No one was more shocked than I was when my first child was born and I couldn't get past the thought that maybe I'd made a terrible mistake and wasn't cut out to be a mother. Everyone else made it look so easy, but I felt nothing I ever did was right and that I was faking the whole thing. Cried all the time. Yes, I eventually ended up paired with a great therapist who helped me zero in on issues that I'd had all along that were now magnified as a parent: 1) As much as I like to pretend, I am not perfect and sometimes I fail. I just have to learn from my mistakes and move on. 2) Asking for help is not admitting you're a failure. 3) It's OK not to know what the hell you are doing. Look for help, do your best and trust yourself. Good luck, Jane. You are not alone.

I am the *last* person who will tell you that it's normal to feel what you feel or that it is all going to be ok. Because I am going through the exact same thing right now ( I believe our babes are like 3 weeks apart)

It will eventually be ok because you have recognized and sought help for your depression, and for that you should be aplauded. So many moms don't get the help that they need, because as moms we are made to feel like we have to do it all or we are failures.

There are many many days that I sit, in a dark bathroom, and I cry. I tell myself that I don't want to be a mom anymore. I want to just leave. I too have to force myself to get dressed or brush my hair or even eat sometimes. I pray each night that when I wake up in the morning that I will feel *normal* again...whatever that may be

I felt like a failure as a mom and a wife. My OB reccomended the same course of treatment for me that yours did for you. The medicine just didn't cut it. I still felt like i was drowning....I even called my husband in tears one day at work because the house was mess, all 4 kids were screaming, I couldn't figure out what to make for dinner and i just wanted the baby to please, please sleep. It was at that moment, standing in my kitchen, dressed in dirt sweats with messy hair, a pile of dishes in the sink and clean laundry on every surface, that I knew that I needed more help.

Getting out of the house with a new baby in tow is hard work. But even just taking a walk around the block or to the park seems to help me. I have yet to get out of the house sans children, my husband hasn't figured out how to be with all 4 of them alone.

My husband works and I stay home. I HATE that he works, I resent him for working because he gets to leave the house, he gets to get a break from screaming kids and laundry and all that..and yet here I sit. The queen of the poopy diapers. I understand that he has to work, and don't get me wrong, I appreciate the chance to stay home and raise my kids...I still hate it. Because, like you, I can't just hand Noah off when he starts crying. I can't say I am leaving and leave him with the kids. But when he gets home he gets to eat a hot meal, relax and watch t.v. He doesn't get up with the baby at night...because he has to work in the morning.

It WILL get better. You will find that as Monkey gets older, things don't seem as bad. Noah is 2 months old, and it is getting better finally. Don't be afraid to ask for help from your MIL while she is visiting and from your husband when he is available. I seem to always want to do it all...

I guess my whole point to this long comment is that even though you feel alone, you are not. I am on the same journey you are on right now and know that it may seem dark now, but you will find that light at the end of the tunnel. You are not a failure, you are a wonderful mom, because if you didn't care, you wouldn't be getting help.

I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need ANYTHING at all, please, please email me....maustin27@gmail.com

Hugs!!

I felt like two people when i had PND just like Jane is describing. But it does go away and you will feel 'normal' again i promise!! Just take it one day at a time, if you have a bad day try not to dwell on it too much. Do things you enjoy like reading or anything else you love doing because it makes you feel so much better. Hang on in there, the cloud will blow away eventually, take care of yourself xxxxx

@Kristina ... That is my favorite poem. I also have this poem on a bookmark - maybe even the same one and I have it hanging in my office and see it just about every single day. A very, very close relative of mine gave it to me shortly before she passed away.

@ everyone else... I appreciate the supportive comments to Jane. We talk ALL THE TIME about the comments you guys leave here and they help her more than you guys ever know. We also appreciate all of the emails from people reaching out to Jane. It's such a great thing to see - and I know for a fact adds some light to Jane's day.

I'm doing everything I can to be the supportive husband and I'm wearing a lot of hats right now - hence my lack of blog posts lately. Truth is, I'm well beyond exhausted. But what matters most - more than anything is that Jane gets as much sleep as she can - when she can and me helping her out as much as I can in between balancing everything else that is going on.

As soon as I get some energy back I'll get to posting again - I have so much to share about our little Monkey!

Thanks again guys - I mean that. You're helping me help Jane a lot. :) And of course, together we're helping many others who are going through PPD. Just knowing what you're going through and what your feeling is normal and that many people have been right where you are is really, really helpful.

I've been thinking all about some words that could maybe help. I just went through major depression about a year ago (not PPD, but same chemistry). One of the main things that helped me was to set 3-4 small, itty-bitty goals for myself to accomplish each day. I sat down with my husband each night and we came up with the goals together and made a little checklist to check off on the fridge. It helped me to build my confidence little by little. For instance, you could start with : 1) take shower, 2) dress in comfty non-PJ clothes, 3) unload dishwasher, 4) fold 1 basket of clothes.
That's it- you're not required to do anything else unless necessary. Don't add on to any of those goals even if you feel like it (ie- don't do make-up, or go ahead and load dishwasher or fold an extra load of clothes- stick to the list and give yourself a break).

For Tarzan- my hub was awesome at supporting me even though he is the main provider still found the time to do everything else around the house. It was hard on him for sure, but it helped me get better faster and then we were both happier. I would recommend keeping an eye out for things that you know are bothering her and take immediate action- no questions asked. Make sacrifices if necessary. For instance, have a serious talk with your in-laws (your wife and son come first). Kick em out for now if needed. Get someone to come in and clean the house. Baby her a little bit- she deserves it. Make sure she has a good dinner or lunch each day and help her set up and accomplish her goals for the day. Reassure her that being a "good mom" is not the sum of the first few weeks, but rather the sum of the rest of her life (PPD doesn't last that long-I promise). Most importantly, validate her feelings, be extra attentive and sweet to her. Don't bother her with details of life- just do it. Don't press her to help you deal with your own emotions cause she has enough on her plate.

I remembered this poem I have on a bookmark and thought of you, it spoke a lot to me while I was going through my divorce and feeling like why do I even try when it all turns out like sh*t in the end. Um, not sure if it really applies to where you're at right now but in case it helps you too I thought i'd share.

Don't Quit by Jill Wolf

Don't quit
when the tide is lowest,
For it's just about to turn;
Don't quit
over doubts and questions,
For there's something
you may learn.

Don't quit
when the night is darkest,
For it's just a while 'til dawn;
Don't quit
when you've run the farthest
For the race is
almost won.

Don't quit
when the hill is steepest,
For your goal is almost nigh;
Don't quit,
for you're not a failure
Until you fail to try.

Please continue to be completely honest in your posts. Your experience touches many people going through the PPD. Just remember, you have all our love, thoughts, and prayers.

I tell ya what - it's the hormones! And after a pregnancy it can take a year or longer for those hormones to balance out. But I believe they are responsible for the post partum blues and mood changes big time. If you can tell yourself through all this that "YES I am normal, YES life will get better and I will feel better." then you can make it through just fine. Realize you are not alone in feeling these ways!

I thought about all of this A LOT last night. So many things running through my head....things I had never thought about but am glad that I am; it's helping to put my "new life" into perspective.

Mostly what I thought about was this notion of "normalcy" because as any mother knows, what she formerly knew as "normal" no longer exists. I know I'm not the first one to speak on this in the comments, but it's so, so true.

When my daughter (now 16 months) was first born, I was determined to go on about my life like usual. In my head, I had this ideal notion of laying in bed snuggling with my husband & baby for hours on end, completely ignoring the outside world. But when baby came, all I wanted was to keep on with my regular life. Yes, there was lots & lots of snuggling, and hours of simply staring into her beautiful, perfect face, but the woman, the wannabe-overachiever, the perfectionist, thought I could & should do it all.

I remember breastfeeding while blow drying my hair & being so proud of myself. And for what? Being able to multi-task with my baby? What did I accomplish by doing this? What was I trying to prove and to whom? To myself? That I could do it all? The truth is, we can't do it all. Unless we have a team to help us, which most of us don't. I am extremely fortunate to have my family within 3 miles of me, and the old saying of "it takes a village" is so true. Parenting is hard work, and I wish I could say it gets easier. That's not entirely true; it gets easier in the sense that you gain more wisdom & know how to handle different situations, but those situations get harder & can test you as a mother. I promise you, it's all worth it.

Anyway, I'm sort of rambling now, but I guess my point is, don't be so hard on yourself, don't feel like you HAVE to do it all. (sweetheart, if only you could see my kitchen on most days....) Find your new balance, your new normal. It may take a while, but you'll get there.

I agree with Mindykoob--this transition brings so many losses, some that may seem little such as being able to get into a car without having to make a huge production of it, and others that are huge such as the couple time you used to be able to spend together. They all add up to a huge ball of loss. It doesn't help that this is "supposed to be" one of the "happiest times of your life."

Both of you treat yourselves as gently as possible and get the help you need, both from the doctor and from other people in your lives you can trust. Allow yourselves to grieve the losses, big and small. Find the joy when and where you can. And keep holding out hope: it WILL get better.

*big hugs too!*

P.S. i DID go back and read Jana's comment though, since some of the replies caught my eye.

This is my first child and I am scared poop-less. I have a lot of friends who have had a great experience with their child..perhaps the picture perfect relationship. I have a few who have had a terrible experience for different reasons. I want to hope for the best for my labor, and for life after a baby is born (our little monkey wasn't in any of our plans, and i was in the middle of beginning my career, so i've had a roller coaster of dealing with putting that all on hold, etc), but it's SCARY!

I feel grateful that I happened to find you guys and can read the best and the worst. It's REALITY! Life is HARD! Life is REWARDING! And I think being involved with people who don't sugarcoat everything is the best medicine for ME! It's good to know that if something is hard, that it's not just ME!

You guys are doing great. Keep being real...and the ones who don't want to read, will leave, such as Jana did. And that's ok. I know we all wish her the best :o)

I didn't read all of the comments either, but wanted to say this: It's easy for people to tell you that everything is going to be ok, that this too shall pass, to take your meds and offer any other kinds of advice. I took a class this past semester in college (while being pregnant) on death/dying, but it also dealt with a general sense of loss. Whatever is important to you, that perhaps you are feeling a loss over. It might not seem significant to others, but it IS significant to you and should not be made to be anything less.

And it's obvious that you are feeling a loss over many things. I can't tell you what to do to make you feel better, because that would dismiss your feelings in a way. It might make you feel that perhaps I don't care what you're feeling, but am just trying to put a band aid over it to fix it.

All I can do is offer you a big cyber hug and hope that you start feeling more like yourself soon. Let yourself cry, let yourself be grumpy, do what you need to do to vent. But don't let anyone dismiss your feelings. You have a GREAT support system on here, and hopefully some of that advice CAN in fact help you through these rough times.

But be sure to let yourself grieve the times you are missing, the feelings that you feel you've lost. And hopefully in due time, you will wake up and realize that your old self is back.

*big hugs*

I agree with the above..... why did Jana have to make you feel even more guilty?

Jane-- I TOTALLY know how you feel. I'm in the same hell right now. I have no advice other than to "Hang in there, Baby". It's what I'm doing. Big hugs from a fellow PPD momma. We'll make it through! If you ever want to email someone who is dealing with the same thing, feel free to shoot me one. After reading this blog for many months, I feel like a friend.
Tarzan-- You are doing all the right things. Having a supportive, helpful, and loving husband is honestly the best treatment for PPD in my opinion. I don't know what I'd do without my DH. Keep it up! Make sure YOU don't hide your feelings from HER either. Tell her how you feel and how much you love and care for her. Soon the medicine will kick in (or her doc will give her something different that works better) and she will start to be herself again.

I didnt get to read the post until now and for that I am sorry. I have suffered from OCD and Depression most of my life. I totally can relate to the feeling. Not necessary PPD, but Depression. It is REAL and it is SCARY. I am so glad you are going to the doctor today. If she tells you time is the answer go to another doctor. You have been on your medicine for a few weeks now and you should be feeling something different. Maybe not 100%, but something! Tarzan, you are a great example of a wonderful husband. You are taking action when Jane feels out of control. That is so important. Jane, know that you are NOT alone and that you do not have to suffer alone. I am 16 weeks pregnant and love your blog. It doesn't matter if people turn away because of your "bad" times. That is what this blog is about. You are a wonderful mother, wife and example to all of us. Your experience with this has made me very aware that because of my history this is all a posibility for me after I give birth. It had honestly never crossed my mind until I read about you suffering. I hate that you are going through this, but it has truly helped me become aware. Please know that you are loved and that we are all here for you. Never feel like you have to wait it out, or give it time. If you dont feel right find someone to help you. It could be a doctor or a Tarzan or a reader on your blog or your dog....whatever. Keep us posted on your doctors visit. I am also from Houston, and could recommend some people to talk to that I have used and have had great success with. I have been medication free for almost 6 years now after suffering most of my life. There is hope!

Best Wishes and lots of support,
Carrie

Jane, I'm 16 weeks pregnant & have been following your blog for about 3 months. I'm so sorry you've been overcome with this dark cloud. It scares me too, but unlike (tactless) Jana, I will continue reading and following because there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately this is reality and pretending it doesn't happen isn't helpful for anyone. I don't know what type of advice to offer because I can't relate but I will keep reading and supporting you; because I am learning as I read this blog, isn't that the point of it?

*Hugs* I hope you feel better very soon.

Jana needs to shut it. Not everyone has a perfect experience, that's life and she's naive if she thinks mommyhood is all bubbles and sunshine. My son is a couple weeks older than yours Tarzan and Jane, I haven't had difficulties to the same degree as Jane, but it is NOT easy. Especially at the point where you two are at right now. It's where the novelty starts wearing off and you realize this change is permanent for better or worse.

I honestly think the guilt is the hardest part of mommyhood. We feel guilty for everything from not constantly staring at our baby to the resentment we may feel when they just won't stop crying. I know Jane feels guilty for no longer breastfeeding.
Jane, a different medication might be necessary. But mostly, get anyone who doesn't make it easier on you, OUT.

As hard as it is to leave the house with a new baby, TRY. It does help. I like to go to the local drive-in theater, you can still see a movie or two and if the baby cries, just roll up your windows. Dishes and laundry can stack up, they're not important. Start using paper plates and plastic cups for awhile if it takes the pressure off. When my son won't stop crying, a walk around block with him in my arms/stroller/carrier almost always does the trick, especially in the evening. He loves the breeze and new sounds I think. He starts off staring at everything in amazement, then passes out before we get home. When your doctor gives you the okay, consider a yoga/pilates/cardio class, anything to give you time away from the baby, around other adults, doing a little activity to release some endorphins.

Finally, they say that the baby starts to actively smile and laugh JUST IN TIME....when you really can't take it anymore and they feel like a parasite, they finally start giving back a little. Maybe that will help. A little reward for all the hard work.

Dear Tarzan and Jane, I've been following the blog for a while, only commented a couple times. Just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. I'm 35 weeks with #3, and I'm not going anywhere. You could have gone a lifetime without hearing why someone was leaving your blog and adding more guilt to the pile. Why not just slip quietly away in a gracious manner? Anyway, I'm babbling. I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you. My second baby was colicky and I remember feeling absolutely crazy like I would honestly lose my mind, but it did pass and here I am doing it again. Get the help you need and hang in there. And get rid of the in-house company. You don't need anything else on your plate right now. Anything that makes you feel better is all that matters. You guys are in my thoughts . . .

Also like Jana, I am currently 8 weeks pregnant. However I won't stop reading this blog. I commend you for being so honest Jane. PPD is a real thing that can happen to anyone. It's a common thing in my family and I'm glad that you are so honest about it. Because of you I will know what signs to look for after I have the baby. I do hope things get better for you and I would give you the biggest hug if I could. Thank you Jane, I don't know how long it will take you to feel better, but I hope you do. This may scare me, but it's the truth, and I think that's what I need right now.

Like Jana, I'm also looking forward to having my first little one. But I appreciate you sharing your story and will continue to read your blog as long as you continue to post. I know things aren't always perfect and rosey and want to prepare as best as possible for those scenarios. PPD is something I've always been concerned about because I know it was a big issue for my mom and I've struggled with depression at other times in my life. I feel like you guys are helping me give a voice to my concerns to I can better explain them to my husband. I hope your doctor can offer help today--either with reassurance that it takes time for the medication to work or a different medication (I know someone who Lexapro has done wonders for and someone else who felt worse with it then he did before, but showed great improvement when switched to something else).

You guys each seem to be strong individuals and together seem to have a strength greater than the sum of your parts. I look forward to reading about many happy times with little Monkey, just as I'm sure you look forward to writing about them.

Welcome to the world of "Guilty Mum". Those feelings never go away because we're constantly thinking "are we doing enough for our children for our families" . You do learn to ease-up on yourself and accept that you can't be soopa mum, soopa wife and are far from perfect. It is an overwhelming feeling but you learn to tell yourself you're doing the best you can....

Tarzan > I know you want your old Jane back but she's a different person now. She has added "Mum" to her list of many labels. All you can do is offer support and help where you can and get her to see a professional. She needs to work through the drastic changes in her life.

I think the way you feel is more normal than you could possibly imagine. This is the side of motherhood that doesn't sell hallmark cards or look good in diaper commercials the side that's rough and hormonal and an emotional rollercoaster. Nobody wants to say out loud this child that I longed for and dreamed of and waited for is draining me to the point of me wanting to ask the return policy. You're not alone in your feelings, your not even all that rare in eating cereal for dinner or being super annoyed at anything and everything that breathes, we all just don't want to talk about it because like you we're embarassed and confused that we feel this way.

The meds take time to work, but you need to keep your doctor informed of your progress GENERALLY in my experience if they're going to work they start having some effect after just a couple weeks.

I'm great at the guilt thing and with 9 and 6 year old boys who I share custody of with their dad I can come up with lists of new things to feel guilty about everyday, I don't spend enough quality time, I don't read to them enough, with this pg i'm tired and super annoyed and shout too much, I don't feed them enough healthy home cooked meals, and on and on.... Sometimes I have to force myself to step back and take time to realize just how healthy and well adjusted they are and tell myself I must be doing SOMETHING right. They feel loved, they feel secure, they feel happy and they're healthy.

I'm not trying to minimize your feelings by saying they're not uncommon, I just hope that you're able to look around you and see you're not the only one who functions like you are with a newborn and hopefully by seeing you're more normal than you might've thought it'll ease some of the pain and guilt.

As for being normal trust me how I struggle with this, I'm bipolar 2 and of course that just opens up a whole different area of struggles but the issue of normal is one I deal with a lot and one thing i've learned through therapy and time (such a nasty word when we want answers and changes and relief NOW) is that normal is what you decide it is. It's not what your neighbors do, or your friends do, or your inlaws do or even what your parents did, normal is what you make of it. Right now you can't go back to the normal you knew, you've grown and changed and life will forever be altered, you're currently developing a new normal one you can be happy with and everyday you try and fail and try and succeed you're building onto what your normal will be.

Right now it isn't better, and it isn't what you want it to be, but everyday you wake up and try again and everyday you learn something new about your baby and new about yourself and new about your husband things fall a little bit more into place. But know that every minute is working towards this, so yeah it takes "time" but not idle time while you wait uncomfortably for your goal it's time you spend learning and growing.

Anyways i've blabbed a ton, but you're in my thoughts and prayers and I truly hope you'll find some peace soon.

I was thinking about you and this post while I was doing dishes tonight. I do my best thinking (and worrying usually!) while doing dishes. I was thinking back to those first roller coaster weeks after Darling Girl was born. I never, ever thought we would make it through. It seemed as if someone walked into my life and said, "Take everything you have ever known, ever thought, ever done and chuck it out the window." It is true what one of the previous commenters said, you do have to completely redefine normal. And nothing anyone ever says to you can make you understand until you're in the middle of it, sobbing with your baby because you don't know what's wrong or how to fix it and you're trying to survive on very little food and an hour of sleep.

I can remember calling my mom every single day for the first two weeks after Darling Girl was born and sobbing. I couldn't even say hello to her without starting to cry. My husband tried so hard to do everything he could for me and to understand, but he always asked me when I got off the phone why I cried like that. I didn't even know. I just did. I am ever so very thankful that I started to get better after those first two weeks.

It's funny (not funny ha, ha) because all of the doctors pounded PPD symptoms into our heads the whole time I was pregnant. There were even posters of the symptoms in the bathroom where I went to pee in my little cup! Yet no one ever thinks that it can or will happen to them then your hormones decide that having a giant party in your body is fun. And all you want to do is cry.

I appreciate the fact that you guys are as honest as you are. I think most people think it's easier to shove any bad things about pregnancy and parenting under the rug. It's not all wine and roses though. Sure I love Darling Girl more than I ever thought possible, but there are also days where I would rather she went to live with someone else for awhile.

Things will get better Jane. I promise. Your husband is a fabulous, amazing man who is going to help you through this. Never, ever feel like you can't get help. Remember that above all else. And ignore the haters or the "wine and roses" crowd because they don't matter. You do. Your mental health, your physical health, your darling baby boy, and your husband matter. nothing else. You will get better and you will stand at your son's wedding someday and wonder where the time flew by.

@Jana ... After we had dinner tonight Jane said that she wanted to go to bed. I told her that I'll go tuck her in. As we walked to the bedroom I noticed she grabbed your computer. As we sat on the bed she said, "I want to show you something."

Jane showed me your post. I read it and looked up at Jane. She said, "that makes me sad." I explained to her that she shouldn't feel bad and that we set out to share everything here - the good and bad - and we always have. We both 100% fully understand your decision, and respect that. However, as much as Jane and I both would love to write funny posts and the day-in-the-life crazyness with Monkey all the time. However, this is what's going on now and we'd both hate to hide this from everyone.

There are a lot of people out there who can relate, are going through PPD now, or find us down the road and we hope that the posts over the last few weeks on this subject helps others - so they know that they are not alone and know that it's OK to get help.

As far as all of the other replies and everyone reaching out to Jane - thank you guys. Jane is on here reading all of the replies a lot. I guess sometimes she just doesn't comment, but I promise you that she's reading everything and I'm sure will comment on your comments soon.

As far as today, Jane came back from grocery shopping and laid down in bed and watched TV.

I went in there several times to visit and check on her. In the after noon, I went in for a good 30 minutes, she took off her shirt, I grabbed some hand lotion, and I gave her a back massage. I got Jane up after I made dinner so she could eat, she came out, held Monkey, fed him, ate, then went back to bed.

Tomorrow we're headed to her Doctors.

More soon.

Thanks again for the support guys. :)

Being a new mom isn't easy. I felt the same way when Adia was born. It was such a crazy adjustment and there's no way to be prepared for all the changes because you just don't know how it's going to be. I will tell you, it's much easier the second time and that's with twins!

I remember when I stopped nursing Adia. I felt like a failure. It took me months to come to terms with it. This time, I tried, it didn't work, and I could feel the pressure lifted. Try not to worry so much about the household chores.. I know it's not easy. I'm still doing dishes and laundry and picking up the living room all the frickin' time, but maybe try to only tackle one thing at a time. If one of you cooks, the other should do the dishes.

There are times when I just want to walk out the door and pretend that I don't have 3 kids. It can be seriously overwhelming. You've gotta get out of the house. Throw baby in a stroller or in a front pack and go for a walk, shopping, to the park, anything. I think I've stayed more sane this time because Adia makes me go places and the twins just come too.

and keep in mind, babies cry. It's ok if you can't get to him immediately. He won't be scarred for life, just a little pissed off for a bit.

It just seems like there are so many more important things in life right now that worrying about cooking, cleaning, laundry, and dishes. Order in, hire a house keeper, use paper products, and hire a laundry service.

You know what? I'm not going to be able to read your blog any more!
I'm pregnant with my first baby and was so THRILLED to find your blog at first! I LOVED all the handy info and helpful tips!
...Until you had the baby, and became a mess. I am truely sorry for your postpartum depression which is real and hard and I can't understand how you feel. I know this.
But I can't read about it any more, it's literally bad for my health and is scaring me shitless!
My dear friend gave birth the same week as you, and she is doing splendidly. I am going to follow her progress for a few months, because you are scaring me and making me afraid to have this baby inside me. Not good.

I wish you and your husband and your baby the best of luck and only bright things in your future- which I will have to stay out of, for my own health and sanity. I want to be happy about my baby coming, not dreading it.

All the best, sincerely,
Jana

Jane, I'm where you are, emotionally. Except my depression isn't PPD, but chronic & I've been avoiding meds since I was first pregnant almost 9 years ago. Tarzan's "blank Jane" comment resonated so strongly. I feel like I'm going through the motions of my life. The meds helped when I was on them,but it took a long time & actually taking an "overdose" on a daily basis. It's hard. Some days I feel like I'm wading through molasses just to get up & dressed. My mom was just here for a week & I just didn't have the energy to pretend that I do much beyond taking care of the baby & staring at the computer.

Getting stuff done with a new baby is always hit & miss, getting stuff done with depression & a new baby is pretty much a pipe dream. I agree with everyone who said to go easy on yourself. Take care of the baby, take care of you & if you have any energy left, do a couple dishes or throw in a load of laundry. If you don't, screw it. Get some paper plates, order in, do whatever you need to keep going until you're better.

You can email me or dm if you need to talk.

okay, just have to ask. Why are the grandparents there if they're not doing anything to help out? Why aren't they doing dishes and laundry? Why are you sleeping on the couch, Jane?

I totally feel for you. And I think house guests aren't adding anything positive to the situation. My little boy is just 3 wks old now and I can barely stand having guests for an hour! It totally throws me off.

Wishing you well!

Im so sorry you are feeling the way you do, I really hope I dont end up with PPD, sorry if that sounds mean. I really think you'll be ok. Overcoming obstacles is never easy and like everyone is telling you, it DOES take some time. You will be ok and Monkey loves you regardless. He will love you even more when you are back to your normal self and Tarzan will also be a happy happy husband and father :)

My suggestion is to find a mommy group of sorts. I know it sounds horrible, I cant imagine being in a group where all they do it talk about babies and stuff but you never know, maybe that group feels just like you and even if its getting together with other ladies at the park or for coffee maybe that interaction will help you feel better. If anything try a few times and maybe you'll make good friends with another woman who feels more like you and you both and blow off the rest of the group lol. Its worth a try.

All in all, try not to be so hard on yourself. Dont worry about the little things like cooking and cleaning and dishes! I love cereal for dinner haha and Tarzan can just as well make his own sanwich (sorry Tarzan but I know you understand ;)) If anything I bet he'd rather you get better and not worry about stuff like that than try to please everyone and feel miserable.

I hope you get better soon :) *hugs*

I recently read a great blog post written by a midwife that reminded me of Jane and her postpartum challenges. Maybe something may be of some help to you and Tarzan. Here's the link http://www.glorialemay.com/blog/?p=171

I feel so frustrated for Jane. If people come over and stay, mom should not be cooking or cleaning. THEY should (in my opinion). Jane is less than 6 weeks postpartum and is thus still HEALING and she has emotional healing that is needed as well. For many moms all this healing takes longer because they have tried to do too much too soon after delivery because they craved "normalcy" or thought that people expected them to get back to "normal" (not you Tarzan). In our "American" culture, we do not have customs/taboos/rituals that encourage mothers to rest and heal after the birth of a child.

Your regular will be a new regular. It takes time to accept that. This is really the time to take time for you and baby, that's it. Everyone else will survive without you ;)

I hope that you and Tarzan are able to find the professional support that you need to get through this. If you don't take the time for this, you will not get better. (At least it sounds like things are not getting better from this post.) If you were my doula client, I would be VERY concerned. Just as a reader without seeing you, I'm worried. You may be able to find a postpartum doula in your area to help with various tasks (household, errand running, baby care, mom care, etc).

I think moms need to have a "Babymoon." I'm planning mine already. It involves me staying in bed for a week, not doing any cleaning or cooking or childcare stuff. All these things will be done by my husband, mother and father during that week. I won't be back 100% the following week, but slowly I will add in my regular stuff while still making time to recover with baby everyday. All this relaxing will not be easy for me. I'm on my feet taking care of the house and kids all day. I don't like to ask for help because it makes me feel guilty.

Get help soon. Way to stay on top of things, Tarzan. You ARE a great mom, Jane. All these emotions and feelings are just making it hard for you to see it. Monkey loves you. I'll be thinking of you!

I had PPD, too, and your words are very, very familiar. I'm glad that you're on medication. Might be a good idea to talk to your doctor about it, though. It shouldn't take too long to kick in. I was prescribed two drugs when diagnosed with postpartum depression: one that would take a couple of weeks to kick in, and one that was immediate (to help until the other one started to work). I started to feel better within 24 hours. I realized it was working when a whole day had passed and I hadn't cried.

It sounds like you don't have much help. New moms shouldn't be expected to clean, do laundry, cook dinner AND take care of the baby. I'm a total stranger, of course, so please forgive me for giving you advice. Can you ask your MIL or FIL to do something specific to help? Like, "Here, I need you to hold the baby so I can take a shower." Or, ask hubby to pick up at least one of the chores. Again, I'm sorry for the unsolicited advice. Your story just rings so true, and I want to help. Thank you for sharing your experience.

You have taken that important first step towards help- medication. It takes a while to build up in your system so give that more time. Make a copy of this entry to take to your appointment so you won't have to rehash it. Pardon me, but your mother-in-law sounds like a cold fish. Too bad that you couldn't someone you have a true bond with come stay with you, like your mom. I know your husband is very supportive but sometimes we need a motherly support! And, even if you can't sleep, lay down for "naps" often.
As many have said, your company needs to leave. You don't feel comfortable in your own home.
While breastfeeding is good, your little one will adjust and you can still bond with him. Tell your negative ideas to "shut up".
Honey, you are going to be fine!!! Honestly!!!

Hi everyone,

Sorry I've been so quiet over the past few days. Things have been crazy between father and step mom here and a huge project I'm working on that has me going on 20 hour days lately - while trying to be a good husband to Jane and a good father to baby.

But MOST and I mean MOST importantly, Jane.

We're going to her doctor's tomorrow for her follow-up and we're going to have a serious talk with her.

Jane came up to my office a little while ago and I've never seen her like this. It scares me. A LOT.

I came up with as many things as I could for her to do to make it though the day today - and finally we settled on her getting out of the house for awhile, run errands, pick up groceries, just whatever. She needs a break and "me" time. When she gets back the plan is for her to take our dog for a walk to get some fresh air and then she'll come back, go in the bedroom, shut the door, and watch a movie (hopefully 2 or 3). I suggested her to rent some comedy movies.

Things are nothing but crazy here. If Jane was her normal self, I know that she'd be fine with everything here. She'd thrive on it because she's an awesome wife and the best mother ever. Sure, she doesn't feel like neither of these a lot of the time now-a-days, but she really is and I keep telling her that. And I know once we get through this, she'll know she is.

I did talk to Jane about talking to someone.

I did talk to Jane about us calling the doctor today.

I did all I could - but she's just blank Jane.

I'll be doing everything to help her make the day go by as easy as possible today - so we can get to the doctor's tomorrow for her appointment. Maybe they need to up the dose. Maybe she needs to be on something different. Maybe she needs to talk to the postpartum person her doctor told her about. I just don't know the answer and I'm looking forward to figuring out what the answer is as soon as possible.

I want my Jane back and will do everything within my power and more to help her get back to normal again...

Jane, I'm so sorry to hear that things are so tough, and wow, so many eloquent posters commenting on this blog have said things much better than I ever could. But I did want to mention that someone recently said something that stuck with me, and that is "you're not always going to feel this way." He said that sometimes, when you're in the middle of feeling crappy and helpless, you think it will ALWAYS be this way. But things always change, so I know that you won't always feel this way either. Hang in there. You've got a LOT of people out here pulling for you and hoping things get better soon.

I’m sorry for the length of this. I know the last thing you want to do is read a novel. Also, I haven't read the other responses so pardon me if I ditto any comments. Lastly, pardon me for speaking bluntly.

First thing is this. Once the in-laws are gone? That will be a huge brick lifted. It appears that they came to see the baby and play grandma/grandpa. Once they get bored with baby playing, they put their feet up (and literally). Once you have them out of your hair, your house will be yours again.

Secondly, the pressure is self imposed. It's not that the pressure is bad, but no one in your little family is expecting you to earn your keep. Your job is to take care of you and Monkey. I promise you that you will not be judged for letting a few household things slide. Part of your exhaustion is that need to appear "normal" and like you have your shit together. Well hon? In this transition from preggo to Mom, sometimes the shit needs to sit. Ya know? Even if it smells a little. Personally, I had issues with the housework because I can’t stand for the house to be jacked up. Drives me nutso. So I get that you want things to be, as a minimum, put away.

To Tarzan: Did you ever look into that postpartum doula????????

Something that helped me might work for you. In the early days, my goal was to shower, put on clean clothes and load (or unload) the dishwasher. Even if it took me all day. Then I graduated to shower, clothes, dishes and cleaning one room per day. If you do a little bit each day, then you won't feel overwhelmed. Yes, it's never-ending. No, it won't ever stop. But if you establish a routine, it becomes 2nd nature and you won't think about it.

Jane - listen. The bottom line is that you have to ask for help. And ask nicely. Tarzan can't help you if he doesn't know. Even the lame in-laws can't help if you don't direct them. Maybe they feel like they will step on your toes if they took some initiative.
In our early days, my hubby did laundry. He would take care of it on Sunday afternoons. That was a huge deal for me. Big help! Because he wanted to help me, I didn’t feel guilty about it. Maybe Tarzan can do a couple of loads on the weekends to help? Pull out or buy yourself a crock pot. Make easy meals that make leftovers. Go to the grocery store by yourself. That counts as “Me” time.

Lastly - call your doctor today. It's been a few days on the meds. Tell them how you are feeling. For me, I didn't tell any real difference until Week 2 on my meds. Maybe that's how it is for you too. The darkness doesn’t last, BUT you have to help that darkness lift. Take your meds at the same time each day and ask for help. {Hugs}

Jane, please call your doctor/nurse and keep them informed as to your feelings. Your description in this blog is more like classic depression than ever. You may need to increase your dose or even change your meds. It has been long enough now that you should have seen some improvement, but it doesn't sound like it's been much. This is not just hormones, in my opinion. This is full-blown depression and the meds are the best way to get it under control. And I agree with the others, either kick your inlaws out or start asking them to contribute. Taking Tarzan so you can get a good shower and get out a bit is a great start, even if you don't feel like doing it.

You will get through this because you can't stop time from passing! But you don't have to suffer like this. Call your doctor now.

I can only imagine what you're going through because I've only dealt with regular old depression, and I can imagine post-partum depression is only that much worse. Just know that you are so strong for even going to the doctor and getting the help you need, because that is a HUGE step. Thank you so much for your honest posts. I am scared to death of PPD now that my due date is approaching and reading your posts is almost as if I'm starting to deal with it now, if that makes any sense?

You'll get through it, you are such a strong person and you have such great support from your wonderful husband. I just hope you get through it sooner rather then later.

Oh sweetie, I wish I could give you a hug and help out right now. I would in a heartbeat. I will try not to say the obvious things to you, but I will say this. I did not have PDD, and felt some of the same things you feel.

I was always so tired, that in the evenings and at night, I would snap and go off on DH in the middle of the night. I would hate for him to tell his story. But he so dutifully took it and never said a word because he knew how hard of time this was and how hard it was for me to be sleep deprived all the time.

I cried on and off for a long time, and I would feel guilty for putting DD in her swing, just so I could sit down for a few minutes or to get stuff done.

There is not a good Jane and a not so good Jane. Unless you are you some type of speed, you will not be able to get everything done around the house. With baby at this age, there is just no way to get everything done and take care of a baby who depends on you for all his needs. And, you know what, I am officially giving you the, don't feel guilty, card. It will take time for the meds to kick in, but in the meantime, you have to give yourself time. And, I would totally make a date or set aside time for things like ... I will be taking a nap from 3-5, I am turning the phone off, and Monkey and I are going to sleep.

So for me, what I needed to do, is get out of the house EVERY DAY! I made a trip somewhere most days of the week to get out of the house and to get away from seeing everything I wasn't getting done. My trips might be to target, Starbucks, Costco. I did bring the baby with me, and either strapped her on me, or put her in her carseat and put a blanket over the top so I could peek in on her, but strangers would not be touching her. I would sometimes just go to the mall and walk around window shopping. I'm a very social person, and being confined to the house because i thought that's where I needed to be, made me crazy!! I don't know how close your parents are, but mine were an hour away, and I tried to either go there once a week or every other week, or meet them somewhere have way, even if it was to accompany them grocery shopping.

I also met my coworker at starbucks once or twice a week. I would snap the carseat in the stroller (I had a Graco snugride that clicked into the Graco Stroller) and I would bring the baby and let her see all the sites while I visited.

It kept me sane. So, by the time DH got home, I felt refreshed and didn't feel the need to just check out every day.

I don't know if this will help you, but it worked wonders for me. I never went more than one day in a row of staying home.

HUGS! I feel for you, and am getting teary-eyed wishing I could help.

7. Don't be afraid of hiring or asking a good friend for some help around the house! Housekeepers are MEANT for times like this!

1. Kick the inlaws out. Suggest they come back in a month or eight.
2. You need to redefine normal. I hate to be so blunt but this is your new life. The baby isn't just going to magically grow into an 18 year old over night and leave. You have a husband who is ultra supportive and working his a$$ off so you can take care of the baby (not a stranger) and continue to live the life you have become accostomed to.
3. Join a playgroup for mothers
4. Keep taking the meds
5. When you have gotten the okay from the doc, start exercising. Exercise endorphins are wonderful at a time like this.
6. Make sure you are setting aside time just for yourself

Oh, honey. I could've written this post. I think, at one point, every mom feels the way you do for a time. We all have our good days and bad days. I wish I could tell you that it will magically get better, that the other person, the "bad-days" person is going to go away and leave you in peace... but the truth is, while you will start to have fewer bad days, they never go away completely. I have my days where I just want to stay in bed - where I want to kick DH out of bed and tell him, "it's all yours today" and just laze around. The only problem with that is, I know my NEXT day will be even worse. Some days I just want to leave the twins in their high chairs or playpen all day and just lay on the couch. I want to leave the dishes in the sink, and the laundry in the basket and just NOT DO IT. And it makes me want to cry when I realize the mess I'll be left with later if I don't. There are days I cry all days - and the twins are a year old now.

The biggest help is getting out once in a while! You can't chain yourself to your baby and your housework! I promise it doesn't make you a bad mom if once a week you leave the little one with his daddy or grandparents and get out with another group of moms or some friends. It's crucial to your sanity!

Is there a new mom support group near you? There was one at the hospital where I had Darling Girl for moms of babies under 6 months. It was one of the best things I did for myself. I met other moms who were going through all the same issues and feeling just like me. I don't know anyone around my age with kids that lives nearby so it was nice to meet other moms face-to-face. I also liked having a reason to get myself and the baby ready to go somewhere.

I learned two things after having Darling Girl that helped a ton - 1. Don't EVER be afraid to ask for help. Help doing dishes, help cleaning, help mentally, help physically, help whatever. 2. The dishes, the dusting, the shopping, the everything will always be there, but your baby will not always be a baby. Just hold him and love him and the rest will sort itself out. Both of these are easier said than done, I know. I'm a chronic worrier and I still worry when I take the time to play, snuggle, or just watch DG sleep that there are fifty million things I could or should be doing. I force myself to take my little mental broom and sweep it out.

Finally, call your doctor or talk to him/her at your 6 week postpartum. They need to know how you're feeling and how you're doing. Don't be afraid to tell them the truth. They're your lifeline and they will make it better. Sometimes it takes some trial and error, but it will get better eventually. It's just too bad that the "eventually" takes so long!

Good luck, tons of hugs, and as all the others have said, feel free to drop me an email when needed. I'm a good listener! :)