It’s been a pretty crazy past few days. I can say that while I’m still feeling down in the dumps with postpartum depression, it does seem to be getting better than it was a week ago. I haven’t blogged in a week because things have been so out of whack and I didn’t want to sound like such a Debbie-Downer in any posts. I’ve noticed that when I’m feeling the worst, I retreat from blogging, answering my phone, and doing anything that I used to enjoy doing.
It’s like a force that is stronger than me comes over me and I just sulk in the house. I know that answering my phone, tweeting on twitter, blogging, and getting out of the house actually makes me feel better, but some days I just don’t have the energy or desire. I’m ready for all of this to pass because I feel like there’s so much I’m missing out on.
And I’m just going to say it again, I’m so. sick. of. crying. Since last Monday I’ve improved and only cried two days out of the past seven, but still. I’m so tired of feeling sad and weepy all of the time.
Right now I just put Monkey down in his pack ‘n play to sleep for (hopefully) a little while. His sleeping has been out of whack these past few days and I don’t know what’s going on. Prior to this past Thursday it seemed as if he was getting on more of a routine and he seemed thisclose to sleeping through the night.
He would take his bottle around 10pm, sleep until about 3am and only eat an ounce or two, and then sleep until 8am. It was great and I really thought the worst was behind us. Of course that only lasted until Wednesday night and then all hell broke loose. I have no idea what happened.
Thursday we took Tarzan’s dad and stepmom to the airport to leave. I was actually sad to see them go. Despite the fact that they were in the way at the beginning of their stay, they turned out to be really helpful. They fed Monkey and played with him just to soak him all in and also to give me a break so that I could take a bath, read a book, etc. While Tarzan and I took turns feeding Monkey at that 3am feeding, his stepmom woke up for the next feeding so that we could go back to sleep.
It was very nice to hand him off to her at 8am and then sleep until noon. Yes, I was very sad to see them go.
We took Monkey to the airport with us on Thursday and on the way home he started crying his eyes out in the car. It was awful to listen to him cry and not be able to do anything to comfort him because I couldn’t take him out of his car seat. When we got home I fed him, tried to play with him, and then put him down for a nap. That didn’t happen.
We were developing such a good routine for the two weeks that my in-laws were here and then it all changed on Thursday. Monkey didn’t sleep at night like he had been doing and nothing changed in that respect. He was a lot more fussy and Tarzan and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. Thursday night I was up with him about every two hours. It was rough.
Friday morning he was still being really fussy. He was biting down on anything he could (this was new), drooling, and some other symptoms of teething. He’s only 6 weeks old and I thought it was too early for him to be teething, but decided that I would call the pediatrician just to rule it out.
The nurse called back about an hour later and asked if we could come in for an appointment. I thought it would be a good idea to go since it was Labor Day weekend and the office would be closed on Monday.
My mom had said that she was going to come over and help out over the weekend, so when she arrived at my house we left to go to the pediatrician. This pediatrician appointment solidified my thinking that we needed a different one.
First of all, I’ve never liked the office. I know that this was only the second time of being in the office, but I didn’t have a good gut feeling either time. When my mom and I walked back to go to the exam room we both noticed the amounts of trash piled up and overflowing from the garbage cans. Yes, it was 4pm on a Friday, but how sanitary is it to have trash literally on the floor?
Absolutely disgusting and totally uncalled for, if you ask me.
The pediatrician came in and I told her about the teething symptoms and she ruled it out immediately because of the fact that he was 6 weeks old. She never looked at his gums at all. Then I asked why he was fussy and she said that it could be reflux or colic. She told me to look up Dr. Harvey Karp for information on colic.
Then I told her that Monkey’s head tilts to the left. She said that it was torticollis and to google it. Yes, the pediatrician told me to google on what exactly this torticollis was and what exercises to do to help with it. I was highly irritated at this point because why in the hell was I paying her money to hear to google something.
Then she said, “Have you done the newborn screen yet?” and I told her no. She said, “Oops, I must have forgotten to have you go to the hospital on Monkey’s 2 week old appointment, so could you go to the hospital and have it done now?”
Oops? Really? You’re a doctor. Shouldn’t you remember this kind of stuff?!
I paid the $30 co-pay and my mom and I went over to the hospital to have Monkey’s heel pricked. He didn’t even cry at all. What a good little boy!
When my mom and I got home we googled “torticollis” to find out what it was. Now I should let you know that while I was pregnant, even though I hardly had any worries, I was very hesitant to google anything. I always that googling gives you the worst case scenario for many things and I don’t like it because it just worries me.
Same thing with googling “torticollis“. I read that x-rays needed to be done to rule out spine problems. Hips needed to be checked for hip hip dysplasia. Of course everything freaked me out: surgery, physical therapy, etc. Even the articles I read about neck exercises to strengthen the neck said “check with your pediatrician first so that he/she can show you how to properly do the exercises”.
What’s up with my luck with doctors lately?!
I decided that I am no longer going to use that pediatrician and I will find another one tomorrow. We’ve all been doing neck exercises during the day and I’ve been keeping Monkey out of the swing because I think the swing makes it worse. If anyone has any experience with their baby favoring one side of head, please let me know what you did to fix it.
Anyways, so my mom stayed from Friday until today and it was so nice having her here. Yesterday I felt like I was getting sick, so I really stayed in bed all day and night. Not gonna lie, it was nice to be in bed. Oh how I do miss that big piece of furniture.
Today I decided that I’m going to pack up my office, which is downstairs, and turn that into the baby’s nursery. I should have just done it in the first place and listened to all of you that suggested that, but no, I’m difficult and have to learn things on my own. The painters are coming over tomorrow to paint the room (right now it’s pink) and my dad will be helping Tarzan move my office furniture out and the nursery furniture in.
The reason for this move is because I haven’t yet found a place for Monkey to sleep that I like. The pack ‘n play used to be in the living room and then we moved it in our room. After it being in our room for a little while, I’ve decided that I don’t like that either. It’s a pain in the butt when I need to change into my pj’s or if I can’t sleep and want to turn on the tv. Plus, I feel like I have to be so quiet because I’m scared to make any noise and wake him up.
So I’m hoping that I’ll like his nursery being downstairs, but in another room so I can still get on with my day/night and not have to worry about waking him up. Keep your fingers crossed.
As far as Monkey’s sleep, well, that hasn’t improved. In fact, it’s gotten worse. My mom stayed up with him last night so that I could sleep through the night and she said that Monkey was up every two hours. Sometimes he was hungry, but sometimes he just fell asleep on her chest. I don’t know if he just doesn’t like the pack ‘n play or what, but life has been more difficult with a baby who is super exhausted but won’t sleep.
He will sleep for hours in his swing, but I don’t want to go that route because of his supposed torticollis. I don’t want my son to have a crooked neck, or to have to have surgery so he is staying out of the swing for a while.
It’s so strange because I have no idea what happened to the schedule he was supposedly on. Somehow everything got mixed up and he’s like a two week old again. I was thinking that it’s his 6-week growth spurt, but I’m not sure because I feel like he should be eating more for that.
I’m just hoping that tonight is better since my mom is not here.
As far as my therapist appointment last Monday… It was great. We talked about therapy in addition to a psychiatrist and I got the name of a new psychiatrist from the therapist. Like I said before, Tarzan knows her and him and I both went to this appointment.
I talked, in great detail, about how I’ve been feeling and I shed many tears during this 90-minute period. It felt good to talk about everything. The therapist specializes in postpartum depression and she said that it cannot be “cured” without therapy in addition to medicine. It’s not like regular depression in that case. I have no problem with that and I actually enjoyed talking to her.
Of course I feel like I’ve waited so long to blog about everything that I’ve probably forgotten a good portion, but something that sticks out in my mind is that she kept saying that I was the “perfect candidate” for postpartum depression. The “perfect storm”, if you will. The fact that Monkey was a huge surprise, that I was so adamant on not wanting to lose myself with having a baby, that I work from home so am somewhat isolated, that none of my friends have children, etc.
Everything was aligned for postpartum depression to set in.
The therapist said that the US is so backwards when it comes to the aftermath of women having babies. She said that in other countries, even poverty-stricken ones, the new mother has tons of help for months after having a baby. It’s a village that helps take care of the mom and the new baby.
In the US, we all feel like we have to hurry up and get back to normal. We have people stay with us for a week or two and then are sent on our way to be a new mother. In other countries, new moms are shown the ropes and taught how to take care of a baby. To be a mentor to the new mom.
The therapist recommended us getting a postpartum doula to help out. I will admit that I have many reservations about this, even though I think I would benefit from it, which is why I had my mom come and stay for a few days this past weekend. I think part of me feels like I’m almost 7-weeks into this and I should be able to deal with it on my own. I have another appointment with the therapist later this week, so I know we’ll talk about this.
She also gave me Brooke Shields “Down Came the Rain” postpartum journey book to read. I finished it today and have to say that she wrote exactly how I’ve been feeling. To a “t”. It’s nice to hear that I’m not crazy, other people suffer from postpartum depression, and, more importantly, that there is hope. I related to everything Brooke said in the book and felt like she was in my head while writing it.
I can’t wait until I can get to the point where I enjoy being a mom. I am disappointed that I’m not “there” yet, but do have hope that my time will come soon. I can’t wait to look at my son and feel peace within like this is what it’s all about. I feel like I’m so far away from that feeling, but again, I have hope.
I guess I have to have hope and believe that things will get better because I want to stop living in this dark cloud I can’t seem to get out of.
You might also want to read:
- Postpartum depression: Stepping outside the box and feeling more confident
- Six week postpartum appointment and going to a psychiatrist for postpartum depression
- Postpartum depression therapy appointment: Success!
- Psychiatrist appointment for postpartum depression = A wasted day
- Being real with therapy, postpartum depression, family, & friends
Jane, I've been an avid reader for a while now and had my little boy on 9-9-09. It was a very long and traumatizing labor, plus i had major breastfeeding issues, and i have no family where i live. thankfully i have an amazing husband and his family is great.
BUT when we got home, with all the trauma from the labor (28 hours of labor, 2 hours of straight pushing, to end up in an emergency c-section) I was COMPLETELY overwhelmed, especially with the issues of breastfeeding that i was having. He wasn't latching, and when he would he wouldn't nurse for long. My husband was about to go back to work so i was just beside myself with fear. For my first checkup with the doctor (a week postpartum) he diagnosed me with the baby blues, and went ahead and put me on meds to try to prevent it from going to PPD. I feel much like you do right now. It's such a joyous time yet i'm completely overwhelmed and afraid and i can't enjoy it like i want. He's almost 3 weeks old right now and it's still VERY hard, but the meds are helping a bit. If i can only figure out how to get him to sleep more lol
Hang in there sweetie. There are a few of us who can definitely relate to you and what you're going through and I think we can help each other through these trying times :o)
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