As I sit here blogging this morning, I can tell that there is a little difference in me. I feel just a tad different today. Maybe lighter, like I feel confident about getting through the day. This lightness is definitely a new feeling, but one that I welcome with open arms.
Yesterday was a good day. I cancelled Monkey’s two month appointment with his original pediatrician (you know, the one that told me to google torticollis for information and neck exercises) and scheduled him another appointment with a different pediatrician in a whole different practice altogether. I just can’t put my son’s life in an idiot’s hands.
The new pediatrician appointment is set for September 22nd and while it’s not too terribly long away, I wanted to be proactive on this torticollis thing, if that’s even what he has. Shoot, I’m hoping that he just prefers one side over the other, but we’ll see today at his other appointment.
I found a pediatric therapist online yesterday that has a practice in my area. I called them for information and to see if I needed a referral or if I could just schedule an appointment. I told her the whole google story with the previous pediatrician and how I didn’t really want to wait until the 22nd to hear what the new pediatrician said.
This lady was amazing on the phone. She told me that she could not believe that a pediatrician had told me to google and that I needed to stop looking up torticollis online because it would just scare me (I agreed). She said that most of the times torticollis is nothing to worry about; simply do neck exercises that I would be taught and the neck will straighten out. She said that 1 out of maybe 100,000 cases is more serious. She made me promise that I wouldn’t look online anymore and to come in to the office today at 10am. Score!
I’m so excited about this appointment because I don’t want my little boy to have a crooked neck. I’m actually thankful that the moron pediatrician threw out the word “torticollis” for me to look up so that his neck didn’t go untreated. I actually just chalked his slightly crooked neck up to his position in my uterus. Maybe I’m still right, but I’m thinking there’s probably a little more to it than just his positioning. Regardless I’ll find out today in a few hours!
As if yesterday wasn’t busy enough, I had my therapy appointment for postpartum depression. Before I went I actually thought about canceling just because I wasn’t sure what we would talk about. I felt like there would be no conversation on my end, but I was wrong. It surprises me how many words actually come out of my mouth when I’m in a therapy session, and this was only the 2nd time!
We talked about my mom coming over and helping out and how that really was great for me. The therapist said that I needed more help though. She said that I needed to be sleeping from about 9pm until 6am every single night. She said that I could take Monkey and go to my parent’s house for two nights (or my mom could come to my house, whichever is more convenient for my mom), Tarzan would need to stay up with Monkey for two nights, get a postpartum doula for two nights, and then me being up with Monkey one night.
It all sounds great, but I’m not sure that Tarzan could swing two nights of being up with him. Like I mentioned before, Monkey isn’t sleeping too well these days and it seems like Tarzan would be just completely drained. I brought this up with the therapist and she said that Tarzan would be able to do it. After all, he didn’t just have a baby and he isn’t still healing physically and emotionally from that. She said that he would be able to fall right back asleep after dealing with Monkey (something that takes me forever to do) and that it would not bother him as much as I thought.
Since Tarzan stayed at home with Monkey while I was there yesterday, he will go with me to the next appointment on Monday to talk more about this situation. I guess we’ll see what comes out of it.
I told the therapist about the one and only friend I have here that has a baby and that I have been avoiding her calls to get together. Of course I feel bad for avoiding the calls, but I feel like my friend’s life with baby has been so easy from the beginning. Her son is almost one year old and she loves every minute of being a mom. I told the therapist that I’ve been avoiding her because I feel super inadequate and I haven’t told her my feelings.
The therapist said that I wasn’t being “real” with her and therefore could not establish a bond with her. I agreed. She thought that it would be best for me to talk to my friend and see how she responded with talking to her about all that’s been going on with me. After all, it would be nice to have a real life friend to talk to in addition to all of you lovely Internet friends.
I told the therapist that I was going to stop by my friend’s house after my appointment and see how she reacted to me talking to her, to see if we could establish this friend-mom-baby kind of bond that I apparently need in my life. The therapist thought this was a great idea.
When I left her office, I drove straight over to my friend’s house, luckily she lives in the next neighborhood over. After we made a little small talk, I told her everything and of course I cried. If I haven’t told you before, I’m so sick of crying. Ha, ha.
Surprisingly she said that being a mom is not completely easy for her. She said that she cried in the beginning too. She said that some days she just wants to scream because she is so frustrated. I asked her if she ever felt like her baby was a stranger in the beginning and she said yes. I was happy.
I’ve known all along that I should have a “mommy” friend to talk to and hang out with, but I always felt like I needed to feel better about being a mom first. I now realize that I was wrong in my thinking. I actually need a “mommy” friend to help me know that I’m doing okay being a mom and that things I’m going through won’t be here forever. I will get past this dark cloud that I haven’t been able to escape just yet.
After we had a beer and talked more, we decided that we would take our boys on a walk this morning. It will be good for Monkey to get some fresh air and it will be refreshing for me as well. I’m actually really looking forward to this walk. I know it’s just a walk, but it symbolizes so much for me.
Yes, I’ll admit, I’m proud of myself… there, I said it. I stepped out of my comfort zone (read: isolation) and feel like I’m moving in the right direction. It’s a small step, but a very much needed one. It’s the step that I will continue to build on day after day. I don’t have all the answers now and I don’t even know if I’ll feel this confident later this afternoon, but I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts.
You might also want to read:
- Therapist appointment, torticollis, and some postpartum depression talk too
- Postpartum depression therapy appointment: Success!
- Being real with therapy, postpartum depression, family, & friends
- Six week postpartum appointment and going to a psychiatrist for postpartum depression
- Psychiatrist appointment for postpartum depression = A wasted day
Had a friend this happened to, very scary. She is ok now, but took her a while to recover. Now they are debating their second child in fears it will happen again
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