Grandfather missing out on Monkey’s cooing & laughter = A sad mom

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this situation. My in-laws are some of the most selfish people I've ever met, but try to hide this fact by throwing money at us when it makes them look good. My MIL flat-out told me after my 1st was born (in the hospital) that she "doesn't like babies, I don't want to hold her." It hasn't gotten any better, and now I have 3 kids with another on the way. They live 2000 miles away, and I couldn't be happier about it (now). For the first few years it really hurt my feelings that they weren't as into my kids as I was, but after many tears, I've finally come to realize that is it *they* who are missing out, not my kids, and certainly not me. It's sad, I know, but all too often they put my kids 2nd or 3rd or 4th on their priority list, and I got tired of having to explain to my kids why their grandparents (who can fly free- retired airline family) couldn't or wouldn't come out for a birthday (last year the excuse was their dog died a week earlier!) or holiday. And let me also say that when they do visit, my MIL will flat-out tell my kids to leave her alone, she's trying to read, or she needs to take a nap. My FIL is better and will give the kids some attention, but tends to put in his 5 or 10 minutes and then turns on the tv or gets on the computer. And then they'll ask me why the kids don't like them! Doode! Anyway, sorry this got long, I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone in having a crappy grandparent. It's really hard when your kid/kids are your life, and other people who should feel the same way, don't. I can't tell you the load that was lifted off my shoulders when I finally decided to accept their shittyness and put everything I had into making my kids happy. I'm a much happier person because of it! Good luck!!!

MVP, I agree. There is nothing more precious than looking down at that little baby cooing. This age might not be 'fun', but it is magical. I also second Madge. An hour is nothing. I do not understand why you would want to uproot your life just because your father is the one being a jerk.

I am sorry that your having trouble with your parents. My mother has one grandchild, my neice. She makes it a point to call every single day to make sure the baby is okay. Since I became pregnant (Due 4/5/10) she has made it a point to talk to me every day to make sure "her little angel" (the baby not me, lol) is doing okay.

I hope they come around more.... they are a great thing.

Ditto to BecomingSarah... I was a child of parents whose parents didn't really make an effort to get involved. While it would have been nice to spend days at Grandma's house, I turned out just fine. I loved them when they came to visit, and didn't necessarily fault them for not being involved as much as they could have been. Maybe my parents did, but I didn't.

I think, as others have said, that you need to think of little monkey and Tarzan as a family unit. And if that family unit doesn't unite 100% with every other family unit, don't worry. You'll be safe and happy and healthy together.

When we talked about where to start our family, we looked hard at the relationships we had at the time with our respective parental units and decided to move close to my folks because we thought they would be the most active and interactive grandparents. We're four houses away from my parents and while it drives me batty sometimes, the fact is that Charlotte sees her grandparents four or five times a week AT LEAST, including all day every Sunday. She's 10 weeks old and she recognizes them, coos and laughs and smiles at them, and is comfortable in their home. I honestly feel today that we made the right decision for our daughter in moving that close, HOWEVER, I think 99% of that is my parents' doing. They make a huge effort to see her, to call and check up on her, to ask what's going on and keep tabs on her development, etc.

When I was a kid, I wasn't close to any grandparents. My father had parents in the area, but we weren't around them much. I remember asking him why other kids had two grandfathers and I didn't, I only had my mother's father. He said that sometimes, what mattered was that I had one grandfather who loved me enough for both. When I was older, my parents introduced me to my father's father. They were right. I always had my mother's father who loved me enough for both of them and I have never doubted that my parents made the right choice in focusing on developing that relationship as opposed to the one with my father's father. It was harder - my mother's folks lived out of state - but I saw them more than I ever saw my father's father. And in the end, I never felt cheated or anything like that. I felt like they made the right decision, staying where they were happy and just focusing on making sure I knew that I could have a good relationship with someone who was out of town.

So there's two sides of it, the side of someone who lives close to the grandparents and the side of the kid who did not. You make the choice that's best for you, but I guarantee that if you stay put, little T will be okay. I was.

Oh, also, I disagree that Monkey's not going through a fun phase. Maybe it's just cause I'm his mom, but I totally melt when my 7wk old smiles and coos. Seems a lot of other people get a kick out of it too. Perhaps try to tell your dad how adorable it all is. My dad turns to jelly when my son does anything! Your dad may have just forgotten how much fun babies can be. Good luck, sweetie!

Why again are you considering selling and moving? Is it only to be closer to your parents?If so, I wouldn't do it. An hour is nothing. Shoot, in some big cities and rural areas, it takes an hour to get anywhere! I'm sorry for your situation. I'm not sure why your dad's taking things so harshly. Seems he hasn't come to terms with your PPD yet and he may be having some trouble accepting and understanding it. But it's hard for me to imagine grandparents who aren't enamored of their grandchildren. My in-laws are the opposite. It's really a pain. They're always up in our business. My parents live on the other side of the country, but they're over the moon about our kiddo. Thanks for this post, I'll remember it the next time I complain about how intrusive our parents are into our lives with our new baby.

BTW, what's happened to Tarzan? I miss his posts.

I know exactly how that feels. My dad has only seen his grandson (his ONLY one, mind you, because I'm an only child) four times in the almost four months since his birth, and two of those times were when I was in the hospital. He never calls to say hi or to ask me about the baby or anything. My mom is the complete opposite, and makes it a point to try to see my son at least four times a week, if not more than that. Even my husband's parents have invited us over so they can see him. It's frustrating, because you want your kid to have their grandparents involved in their lives, but at the same time, those people are adults and you can't force them to do things they don't want to do, even if it's seeing their grandchildren. HUGS JANE!

This made me sad for you and for Monkey. I have a feeling that in time, days or weeks, who knows, you will read this post back to yourself and find the answer. Should you really change your life for people that aren't ready to reciprocate the effort?

Oh one more thing...It comforts me to read about everyone else's situation and to know that we aren't alone in having distant family involvement...What does bring me comfort is knowing that I don't and won't be like my parents when Natty is all grown-up and has children of her own. I know that I want to be there for my daughter and my grandchildren in ways that my parents weren't there for me.

Jane, you're not alone in this situation. In fact, I am in the same if not worse situation right now with my family. We considered buying a house closer to my parents too. Before Natalie was born, we asked my parents if they would be willing to help out with looking after Natty once she was born and they said, no. Which really hurt us at first, but I can understand that some grandparents don't want to be tied down with this responsibility...Whatever...After she was born, we saw a total transformation in them. They fell in love with her and even started coming around more frequently to see her. We live about an hour away from my parents. Unfortunately, I am not close with one of my brothers and so, we hardly go to visit my parents because he still lives with my parents. This makes it really hard for me to go out and spend time with my mom/dad and for them to see Natalie. My other brother whom I am close to, has only seen Natalie twice in 8 weeks! I don't know what's up with him, but I am done asking him to come around. As for moving closer to my parents? Yes, in an ideal life it would be great, but I will not uproot my family only to be disappointed...So, we've decided that when it's time to move, my parents will not be the deciding factor. As much as I wish I could have the family involvement of some of my friends, this just won't happen and I can't assume it will change. As for my husband's family, they live 5 min. away so they are always here...I'm sad though, because as much as I love his family, sometimes you just need the comfort and support of your own. It makes me sad everytime I think about it. I hope your situation gets better or you come to a good conclusion as to what to do.

I'm so sorry to hear all this. I have to ditto what Madge said. I have a funny feeling things wouldn't change if you moved closer. You would probably still have to put forth all the effort and get little in return. Hubby and I live out of state from both of our parents. They are about a 6-7 hr drive away. My mom and MIL have visited. My Dad and FIL have not. We also went up to visit our parents (my dad the exception since he lives in another state) and my FIL didn't come meet us for dinner because of traffic. WTF?!?!? Both of our moms are involved as much as they can be, but our Dad don't care at all. It's painful, but it's their loss. Good luck with your decision whatever you choose to do.

I totally understand how you feel. My father and I have had a rocky relationship since I was a kid (I moved in with my mom full time at 13). Now when I had my son I made an effort we went over there a few times and it was great. About 6 months later he e-mails me and says he is going through something and if I keep in touch he will. Well I've been sending picutures, e-mails, text messages and I get nothing in return. It's frustrating to say the least. On the flip side my inlaws complain they don't see my son enough but refuse to make the 20 minute drive to our house. We must drive there. We used to live over an hour away before my son was born and they complained then too. I think that we think our parents should be as excited as we are because their baby had a baby! And in some ways they seem to be, then they flip a switch and you don't know how to react. My advice for what it's worth is to stay in your home. You seem to like if not love where you are and honestly an hour is not very long. I grew up an hour away from my grandparents and saw them regularly, if they are not making an effort now they won't make one if you're closer. Stay where you want to raise you're family.

My MIL has never seen or talked to the kids. We don't even know where she is & haven't since around when my oldest was born. My FIL has never seen them in person (he chose a new computer over my mom's help to pay for a visit from overseas). He's talked to them on web cam, every weekend until my husband & him had a huge fight. They didn't talk for a long time, but haven't started the web cam thing again now they're back talking.

My mom saw my oldest about 3 times a year for his first few years (we were a 5 hour drive away). When my 2nd was born, we started seeing her 5-6 tines a year & since my 3rd was born in March, we've seen her 5 times, we stayed with her a week of that, she's stayed her nearly a week 2 times. She's about 2 hours away. We'd probably make more but shorter trips if we had a car.

Don't move just because they aren't visiting. There's no guarantee it would get better if you were closer. I know people in the same town as their parents & they never come see the kids. Distance just makes a good excuse for some people.

My son will basically grow up with one 'real' grandparent (ie: someone who will be there for every game, school event, birthday, etc)...and that would be my Mom. Mind you, she is the only one that technically lives 'in town', but my Dad (who is 5 hours away) and my husband's parents (who live several states away) aren't exactly busting down the door to see our little guy. My husband's mom and stepdad are here right now, seeing their grandson for the first time (who will also be 10 weeks on Thursday). None of his other family is really involved either, we are the ones calling THEM, emailing THEM to let them know how the baby is doing and all the new accomplishments he's made. It's a bit depressing! So I understand your frustration to some extent. I feel like a lot of our family has let us down, and I'm sad for our son, who deserves devoted grandparents and aunts/uncles.

I second Madge. Honestly, an hour isn't that big of a deal. While my parents are known to be a serious pain in the a$$, they haven't missed a single event, and they're 3 hours away. These are people who didn't attend our wedding and stopped speaking to us for 3 years because my husband told them not to call if it was only meant to upset me. Way to behave like children. After our daughter was born, they snapped out of it and got involved.

If it's important, people make the effort and take initiative to get involved. I encourage you to talk to them about it before you wake up and Monkey doesn't know who they are. If you let it go unresolved, resentment will build on your part (and what if they treat other - existing or future - grandchildren differently? Then you'll feel even worse). You can't fault them if they don't know what's wrong. Perhaps they're not adjusting to grandparentdom well and don't know how to articulate it and it translates to being a pain in the a$$?

Right now, they don't know how you feel & you don't know how they feel. That's easily remedied with a good talk. Some people don't like new babies 'cause they're afraid of dropping/breaking baby and sometimes that awkwardness translates to a lack of interest. Please talk to them. I promise as much as parents can make us want to pull our hair out, they don't mean to make us feel like crap. They would probably be horrifed they are making you feel this way.

My advice is to put a hold on moving (especially since it sounds like you like where you are) until the happiness of the move isn't hinged on the involvement of others in your lives.

That's my 2 cents - from someone who has had her fair share of awkward family moments over the last 32 years. Good luck my dear.

Why on earth would you be thinking of moving and uprooting your lives because THEY are the ones not making the effort? I do not see how this would help remedy the situation. People are going to make time for what is a priority in their lives, whether it is an hour away or 20 minutes away. You think you feel bad now; how would you feel if your parents come over or spoke to you when you were right down the road?! I just don't see the intelligence or sense in this Jane.

I have the same with my dad...only he's seven hours away from us and has only ever met my youngest twice in her entire life and she is almost four. I used to think it sad that he's missing out but then I thought. Thats his choice - not mine. Perhaps he doesn't feel the need to see his grand children (like other grand parents do). I thought back to what he was like when I was growing up and I must admit he wasn't a very hands-on dad at all. Then I really racked my brain to remember him playing with us and having fun with us two girls. I couldn't think of ONE event. He wasn't very invovled in me and my sister's lives - so why would he want to be a close part of his two grand children's lives?!?! Make sense??? Perhaps its just not high on his list.

That to me is sad but I've learned to live with the fact that he's so emotionally detatched. His loss..

Do you really think that moving closer to your folks, up rooting your lifes for a "maybe he'll change?". This is your family, your lives and if they don't want to be a part of it...yes, thats sad but you're building your family now. They come first.

Gee, it sounded like in the beginning your mom was being SO helpful, I wonder what's going on? The Europe trip sounds like kind of a thin excuse if she already volunteered to watch Monkey that weekend. Can you talk to her and find out if something is going on, it just seems so strange.

Moving sucks so much I would be avoiding it at all costs with an infant, but that's just me.

Hm, is it possible that you're being a little hard on them, and that maybe they are trying to give you guys time as a family and not intrude? I don't know anything about your situation other than what I read here obviously (though I love the site!), but I do know that I read a *lot* of new mom blogs where the moms are desperate for the grandparents to back off and let the new family find its footing. Perhaps your parents just aren't those kind of people?

Whatever the case, the only way to resolve this is not to let the resentment steep, but to talk to them - probably your mom - about it. Be real and honest about your needs and wishes and ask for what you want, instead of wishing for it. I'm sure they will respond positively and you'll find resolution.

Good luck, I know it's not easy asking for what you need, but you can do it!

I hope things get better for you with your parents. If it is any consolation my mother is pulling something similar. My daughter is 7 weeks. Both my family and my boyfriend's family live out of state but his parents and my grandparents have either seen her or have plane tickets purchased and bags packed. Not only has my mom not seen her, but she hasn't even called since my baby was born. It's sad but I remind myself it is her loss.
It really sounds like they are being petty about the situation. You were the bigger person and apologized before and it sounds like you are going to have to be person who makes the next move as well. Good luck

*hug*

This must be really hard for you and your hubby. I totally understand how you want your family to be more involved, to be biting at the bit to see Monkey, and yet they either dont seem interested or seem to busy. But, flip it around, and see the small blessing, you are having some great bonding time with your little man. There are some families that never get a breath because parents/in-laws wont leave. I'm sure you just want a balance. How about you start asking for a meet up place in the middle of both homes for lunch or something? I'd even consider driving up to their home to get them really good and sucked into Monkey's world and then I'm sure they'd start making more trips as well. Or, just invite them over more and explain how you'd really like for them to be apart of your and your familie's life.

I would talk to them now.. Just tell them you miss them and you miss them being around Monkey and seeing all his beautiful changes. Just be honest with them but don't be confrontational or put blame on them or compare them to other grandparents to their faces. They may feel you don't care if they are around or not or it's not a big deal. Don't put off talking to them.. The resentment will only grow and you don't want Monkey to pick up on your negative feelings towards them. Good Luck!

Wow, it's like I'm looking back 7 years ago into my own past just after my son was born! Seriously, almost identical. When my son was 3 weeks old, my parents (who live 10 minutes away) suddenly stopped visiting, citing some insult that my husband made. (I was actually there when this "insult" happened, and nothing bad happened. Hubs and dad were joking around -- my father even left the house laughing... but he's notorious for being a snit when he feels like it.) That's the last time my father and I talked.
I tried to reconcile (apologizing just like you did), but it was denied. My mother comes by once a year to see the kids (we also now have a daughter, who my father has never met), but it's very clear where her priorities lie. She said she wished she could see the kids more often, so I suggested a regular monthly meeting, but her response was "well, only when I don't have plans to go to the casino."

Yes, I know of grandparents who live out-of-town who come and see their grandkids more than my parents see theirs, and at first, it broke my heart, but really, it's my parents' loss. My kids are thriving from the love my in-laws, my husband, and I give them -- they lack nothing.
And not seeing my parents these past 7 years has given me a lot of peace from chaos and drama. It's an AWESOME FEELING!!!
My priority is my kids and not my parents. My parents are mature adults who should know that their shenanigans are an unwelcome distraction from the attention I should be giving my children.

If I were you, I wouldn't move. Stay where you are. Focus on your baby -- NOT making life easy for your parents. If they are the grandparents they SHOULD be, they will make the effort to come to you.

Sorry, this is so long, but your situation is one that i can relate to, and I hope my experience gives you a little more insight. :)

Oh gosh, that is a tough one! I guess the only way to deal with it is to tell them either verbally or via the written word, just how much it hurts you and what you would like to see changed/improved. These things can be worked out, but sometimes it takes a painful amount of time. If there's one thing I've learnt as a parent, it's that at times like this, it's better to say something sooner rather than later.

Good luck making your decision. We live very close to my parents and they are a huge part of our lives. Heck, they even went with us to Disney World in May so they could see the boys first trip there. On the flip side my out-laws live in the same state, but are ~4 hours away from us. They have come here less than a dozen times over the nine years that TechyDad has lived here. Our oldest (just six) was their first grandchild. They came here for a very occasional day trip because they refused to leave their dog in a kennel. I understand that, but their grandchildren now hardly know them. I try not to let it bother me, but I know it gets to hubby. Their dog passed away in the spring/summer and they have been here for a long weekend and son's 6th birthday party. That was the first overnight here ever!

Good luck making your decision. It sounds like you and Tarzan are both on the same page.