Postpartum depression therapy appointment: Success!

This is one of those posts that made me want to pray for you. Post partum depression is so hard. I had it with two of my children but not severe. I feel for you.

SO glad that you're feeling better and your therapy is going well. I don't really remember exactly when I emerged from the haze of PPD, but all of a sudden, one day, I just realized, hey I'm not crying. I feel good. Shock!

I don't even know you, and I'm proud of you!

Jane-- it's lovely to see that you're feeling better. I've been so distracted I haven't had the chance to keep up over here like I wanted to. Don't let the Masha's get you down girl. Check out Dooce- she's now posting up all her hate mail and running ads on the page so she can make money from the crazy *hit that people send her. You wouldn't believe the abuse that gets thrown there- because people can post anonymously. (I can never spell that word!)

Anyway-- 4 kids? Good for you and more power to you! I think big families are fabulous. I have 4 sibs and even though we had our share of dysfunction, I really appreciate them now that I'm an adult. It's so much work raising them though. My two are late teens and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel....it's a long tunnel but lovely stuff along the way (as you can see already!)

Big hugs from me. I'm just so happy to see you doing better:-)

Helen

jane, please don't let people like masha get you in a "tizzy". i know it's easier said then done, and really you were too kind to her. i love reading this blog every night until i get tired - and it makes me sad that someone like masha might make you upset enough to where you and tarzan won't blog anymore. and believe me, i would totally understand if you guys did - people like that take the fun right out of simple things like a pregnancy/parenting blog. none the less, i wouldn't be happy to see my favorite blog deleted due to the insensativities of a bitter, internet bully. half of what she said didn't even make a word of sense lol, and i love your responses - they weren't childish in any way and were very to the point. any who, i'm finally up to date with reading this blog! it's taken me a while, as i had to start from the beginning :) but thank you for keeping me entertained every night and get through my pregnant insomnia! keep posting jane and tarzan, you guys are great.

Arrrrrrrgh... I haven't posted a blog here for quite awhile. *Hey everyone!* But I just had to take a minute and comment on this post.

Why is it that some people have to attack others in order to make themselves feel superior, do whatever it takes to evoke that 'I told you so' feeling, and feel it's OK to do so on the Internet?

I know why.

There have been studies about these types of people who post on blogs and forums who are negative in all of their comments, posts, etc.

Several years ago, I happened to work at a company who was hired to research this.

Come to find out, the majority of these people live normal lives on the outside with their work, their friends, family, etc. But on the inside, their not quite normal for the fact that there is something deep inside of them that needs to be satisfied. It could be severe 'middle child syndrome' where the 'want to be seen and heard' urge continues after childhood well into adulthood and the Internet is a place where these types of people to satisfy that. They actually get pleasure from starting things on blogs and forums - and almost all of the time do so anonymously, or using some sort of a personality they developed online in order to satisfy their urge.

And if they weren't a middle child, there could be countless reasons why people do this crazy pointless thing that only serves one purpose: to make them feel better about themselves. There are usually some deep rooted issues that the person has decided not to deal with for whatever reason. Issues that could easily be taken care of through therapy, but they swear that they are find and nothing is wrong with them... they often tell themselves.

It must be a lonely world these people live in. You can't help but feel bad for them. In a way, this is their way for reaching out for help. Hopelessly wanting interaction with other people - and sadly only being able to satisfy that longing through the cold faceless world of the Internet.

It's a vicious circle they live in often times. They'll do anything they can to start fights with people on blogs or forums, and when they are successful on one, they'll post many times - even right after another. (As you can see above) In some ways, once they get a little spat going, it's like a drug, they feed off of the interaction and become somewhat obsessive about it - often refreshing the page over and over and over again for hours on end - waiting for a reply to their comment - hoping to keep the fight/spat going.

And when it ends, what do they do? They move onto another site and start the whole process over again.

And you know what the crazy thing about all of this is?

They don't even realize they're doing it most of the time.

It feels normal to them. They don't see anything wrong with it. They have no idea that everyone else views them as problem-starters and pointless commenters/posters on blogs and forums.

MARK MY WORDS. WATCH....

And finally, like they all do, once this is brought up in the open, they'll go NUTS. They'll start saying all sorts of things, post like crazy, and go into super-attack-mode and post all sorts of horrible things.

Why do they go nuts?

Well for one, they are called out and now everyone knows the type of person they are. And two, they feel the need to stick up for themselves - now they feel like they are being attacked, when in reality, we're just bringing their problem to light - in hopes that they someday get help... which I hope the person above does.

Jane, I can definitely identify with what you're saying about your family--I feel as though I could have written this blog post! Christmas was never cancelled with my family, but it definitely has become less and less merry over the years. Last year on Christmas Eve my father got into an argument with my sister and repeatedly smashed her cell phone until it was in pieces.
I spent a lot of my childhood just rushing through dinner, waiting for it to be over, and honestly family dinners are still tense. My husband and I had to live with my parents while I was pregnant to save money and it was awful. We all ate together occasionally and things were always so tense and uncomfortable. I'm so glad that we have our own place now and our own family.
I couldn't agree more with you on how important that is! I'm so happy that the Hubbs and I, and our sweet, sweet son will be creating our own life and our own memories together. We can give him what we never had, which is so gratifying. This year we've decided that we are spending Christmas day alone, just the three of us. We are sick, sick, sick of family members ruining this holiday for us, and we are not going to let our first Christmas with our baby boy be fraught with tension and pain. This year would have been especially difficult because my parents have FINALLY separated (which is awesome, like yours they were constantly fighting and made each other miserable), so I'm glad that we've made this decision. We will see one side on Christmas Eve, and another on boxing day, but Christmas day will be just us three. I think it'll be really cozy and I'm so looking forward to it.
As I'm sure you've gathered from everything above, my parents do NOT get along either. I also had to try to defend my mother from my father, and it usually ended in a screaming match or even him becoming physically violent with me. He of course believes that he isn't to blame because its everyone else's fault for making him angry. He and mother went to a therapy session just yesterday and had a huge fight in front of their psychologist because he was trying to blame me and my sister for the problems in their marriage. Go figure.
I have been on anti-depressants for five years, and have been struggling with serious depression since Jr. high and I firmly believe that my home environment growing up has had a lot to do with that. I've never left a comment on your blog before because I didn't realize how much we had in common until today. I'm sure you hear similar stories to yours all the time, but I really enjoy reading about the experiences of someone who has been through much of the same things in life. Keep writing!

Masha -

Oh where do I even start??

About my parents - I actually joke about canceling Christmas w/ my mom. I can laugh about it now, but it doesn't mean that I thought it was ridiculous & still do. I also tell my mom everything in regards to my dad. She could read that blog post & she wouldn't be surprised. My whole being "real" thing right now is not for my blog... It's for me & I'm very real with my mom.

It's people like you who are the worst people to talk to bc of what you just said. My eating disorder was a direct result of comments like that from my dad. I had an awful relationship w/ food since my dad was controlling & since our meal times were not pleasant. If you are going to tell me any different, then please just STFU. You are wrong & quite nervy to tell me otherwise.

Next, about my blog... I just love when people put words in my mouth, I really do. (That is sarcasm in case you didn't know.) I have never once said that I wanted to be published. Thanks for the thought though.

I don't care about influencing others either. There are plenty of people that didn't agree with my decision to stop breastfeeding, so I obviously didn't do my "job" there influencing them w/ my decision. Darn.

As far as the ads (not adds) on my blog, people contacted me for that. Don't you realize how advertising & marketing works? And I only wish that I was getting paid the big bucks for advertising... Perhaps I should publish a book AND charge an arm & a leg for the ads. Hmmm, there's an idea....

You will never see a Lexapro ad on here either. Give me a break. The point of my blog is to write MY thoughts. It's not about promoting an anti-depressant.

I choose to be very selective of what pictures are posted here, hence the whole reason we are anonymous. I'm the same way with Facebook & my real life friends on there. I'm not a picture whore on there either bc the interweb can be a scary place. My priority as a mom is to protect my son & by not posting pics, I believe I'm doing the best I can do. (Not judging those of you that actually post pictures... it's my own deal that makes me weary of it.)

And lastly, ask me if I give two sh!ts that you think I'm not sincere & real... & that's me being very real.

lol - good lesson to learn. If you are going to read someone else's stuff then at least respect if and if you want to judge it then do it to yourself, in your head.

We most certainly do put ourselves out there with the intention of inspiring people and helping them as they face their own parenting journey.

If you don't like it move on and if you don't like someone standing up to you and questioning your style then move on too.

BTW have approved your comment seeing as though you are now lying about the way you wrote. If anyone wants to read it, head on over here: http://www.innerparent.com/?p=769 and scroll down to comments.

Enough said!

@Jane - excellent response, my thoughts exactly :) I've just learnt a lesson from you in how to respond when someone throws shoes at you.

@ Lori,
Lori, you are nice. You understood exactly where I am coming from. I am lucky (Thank G-d) to have parents who are there for me. I have friends who do not have that...I understand how that can be depressing when you see that your parents are not interested in your baby. The thing is when you have PPD, whatever your parents are doing, it can upset you no matter what. I was trying to say that you have a lot of emotional built-up feelings, and then because you know your parents for so long, you start remembering all the things that happened between you in the past, and this can combine with your baby blues and lead to you being upset at your parents for no reason...
oh, well...Jane does not have to share with us. Sure she is doing this for us, but she is also doing this for herself. 1) She wants to be published as any writer 2) wants her thoughts heard and wants to influence others 3) make money...look she's got some adds on her blog. Do you think we will see Lexapro or other pharmaceutical comps' adds on here soon?
On the other had, you, Lori, you have a wordpress, and you don't have any adds. You put up pics of your baby. This means you just want to have a journal about your baby, it's sweet of you, and you probably have a desire to be a writer, so you do not mind sharing your thoughts with the world...In any case, I have not read much of your blog, probably I won't cause it's too personal...but I bet your baby will love it when he grows up. I believe you are more sincere and more real than "Jane" though :-)

Jane, thank you for answering my questions. Well, I posted a comment on Marilyn's web site for everyone to see. She has an option to "moderate" comments, so she did not publish it. If she wants, i have no problem with her publishing it because it was not bitchy. Well, you have a blog. I thought it is made, so that people can "judge", especially considering you are not even named Jane, you are not really "real" you.

In any case, I am disagreeing with you about how you are writing about your parents; I think it is not nice, and if they ever read this, it would hurt them immensely...I think everyone makes mistakes. Why don't you show them what you wrote...I mean you are basically bitching about your parents and judging them harshly. By the way, you dad was just probably kidding, I like rhyming things too...and snacks like that are not exactly healthy...eating disorders do not develop due to dad's jokes, it's also chemical imbalance, poor diet in general, adolescent issues of self esteem..
But I have to tell you
1) I don't judge you for taking medicine or doing anything. I am just being curious.
2) I am disagreeing with you on certain issues, but I thought you'd like that to "spice" up your blog discussions...like the fact that there is that known book "My boys can swim" http://www.amazon.com/My-Boys-Can-Swim-Pregnancy/d... thought that was a spicy comment from me...
3) I read that PPD can lead to suicide, so I certainly support you in getting help. I think in fact, you are brave, not many people want to go to a psychiatrist and take any drugs that would interfere with your personality
4) I can't really feel love or care for you or your family because you are not my friends, you are just characters from a blog, but you seem like nice people based on your posts...I keep being drawn to your blog, it's like reading a book...you want to know what happens...:)
In any case, you should check out Marilyn's blog...she's quite snobby, but I have to admit she's education too. I really liked her pics of her boy wiht his curls, and the moments that she wants to remember about him...she has some nice stuff there...:-)

Whatever, people though..if you don't like me "untweet" me. I don't mind.And I guess I have to delete you from my google reader :( This is just bully journalism, I tell ya...I guess don't mess with Texas and Marilyn Monroe (that's my lesson from all of this :)

It was not a mean comment. You are the one who seems to be a snob.

I did not say anything bad about Americans. I am an American myself. I did not throw any shoes...wait are you from an Arabic country, maybe you are referring to that incident with our former president...In any case, it seems like you did not even understand what I wrote to you...
I said that in American culture, it is common to use "repetition" (so called "motherese" type of language) when talking to a toddler, to reinforce learning various words or sentences such as saying "look, doggie, say doggie etc.). However, in other cultures, toddlers are not specifically taught a language; adults just talk to them naturally as they would to another adult. I suggested a book by Steven Pinker, a prof. from MIT, the book is called "The Language Instinct" and it discusses how children acquire any language naturally, and they actually do not need any special "repetitions" of words to learn any language. Even kids whose parents are immigrants, and do not speak a certain language well, automatically pick up the flaws in the grammar, and make up their own "linguistically" correct sentences (as was the case with Creole language in Jamaica).This book by Dr. Pinker is actually more recent than the sources that you list on your blog.
I am sure you were upset that I said "I hope you understand me, Marilyn".The reason I said that is because I was not sure if you are able to understand my writing for whatever reason..maybe it's the style that you do not like, we all have our preferences when it comes to that...

Masha:
1. Is this you or is this antidepressant talking?
It's me talking & I'm pretty sure the antidepressant is helping me feel more "normal". I guess that's what anti-depressants do. I was a mess w/o taking anything & it's been the best thing for me, my husband, & my son.

2. If you feel like you are feeling better, does it mean that you do not have to take the medicine anymore?
Yes I have to continue taking it until Jan. 15. The first 6 months after having a baby is critical for staying on the anti-depressants. If someone w/ PPD gets off medication prior to the 6 month mark (postpartum), the PPD could come back a whole lot worse than it was prior to the medicine.

3. Are you afraid that you might relapse if you stop the lexapro?
No. I will start weaning on the above date & I have a meeting with my dr. then. If I am not feeling great, I will resume the medicine, but I'm pretty sure that I'll be just a-ok.

4. Now that you are feeling better, do you feel that you made the right decision by taking this drug, instead of just trying therapy first?
I absolutely stand behind my decision to get on the anti-depressant. It took some time for it to work, but the anti-depressant w/ therapy is what is helpful for my PPD.

5. Do you feel that stopping breastfeeding may have been enough instead of taking the medicine?
Nope. Stopping breastfeeding lifted a large burden from my shoulders & it's one that I still don't regret. It was not the reason that I was feeling depressed though, it just added to the depression.

6. I wonder what does diagnosis with PPD have to do with your childhood upbringing/family issues?

My PPD didn't have 100% to do with my family. My family & certain situations have always stuck out in my mind & I believe in therapy & I brought them up during the session. However, there is/was a fear inside of me that I would turn out to do the very same things that hurt/bothered me. I didn't want this to be carried over to my son & my new family, so nipping my issues right now is the key.

7. Is this even relevant?

For me, yes.

8. Why is this therapist trying to dig deeper?

She's not. I never said that. In therapy I always bring these things up bc they are bothering me. As I said previously, I believe in therapy. There is not one person out there in this world who wouldn't benefit from therapy. Everyone has issues within themselves or with others. Therapy is a wonderful way to release anything on your chest.

9. What are you hoping to accomplish in these sessions. From your descriptions, it sounds like focusing on this subject in your sessions is exacerbating your relationship with your parents…Why not focus on your baby instead of on your issues with your parents, which do not seem very serious, by the way.

To each, their own. I personally think your questions are ridiculous & the fact that you seem very judgey is annoying to me, but again, to each, their own.

In order to focus on my baby, I need to get these other issues out in the open & address them. It's part of being "real" & you know what, it's working for me.

10. In any case, why did you bring up the dream? Is this because your therapist asked you about your dreams?

I brought up the dream. Unfortunately my therapist is not psychic in knowing that I had a specific dream or not. My dream made me feel good. Going to therapy makes me feel good. Addressing my fears about this motherhood thing makes me feel good. & you know what, I'm going to continue being a better mom to my little boy because I share any and all that is on my mind with my therapist.

11. By the way, it’s easy to say you are going to do better than your parents, only time and what your relationship with your kids is going to be like will tell…

I agree w/ you somewhat. Before I had Monkey I swore up & down that I would breastfeed. Then I had him & I'm not BFing anymore. There are things that you can't predict that will happen. I say that I will never spank Monkey, but again, I just never know what the future holds (but hopefully I'll not spank).

Anyways... I guarantee you that while I will not be the perfect mother & while I will make mistakes, I will never cancel Christmas for my son. I will never make comments like "once on your lips, forever on your hips". You get the picture... There are things that I will never do & I 100% mean it when I say that.

Hope this little questionnaire helped you out. Oh & I have no idea what you said about cultures w/ Marilyn, but bitchy comments are never a good idea, esp. when you are putting another one down. Perhaps your parents should have taught you that growing up.

@Masha--You assume that everyone has parents who are nearby to help them when a newborn has arrived and that everyone has parents who are emotionally "there" and available to them. That is not always the case.

Believe what you like, but I think that we all need to respect Jane and her decisions about how she is choosing to deal with her PPD. This is her story and her blog. We are lucky that she is sharing her story with us. She and her family have come a long way in the last few months and I, for one, am very happy for her!

@Masha - no need to clarify any further and btw was expecting the bitchy comment on my site as well. Seems I know your kind, take a hike chick! PS I'm not American and no need to throw shoes at different cultures either.

@Marilyn, can you clarify, what is it that you find so confusing about my comments? Which of my comments do you mean?

here is what i wanted to bring up:
1) When is Jane getting off lexapro if she "loves her life"? Is she going to relapse?
2) why is her therapist encouraging her in bringing up her childhood/parents issues into this?
3) my opinion, if you feel like an inadequate mother because of PPD, then do not take it out on your own parents to make yourself feel better. Like "my parents canceled christmas"; thus, I'll be better and not be like that....oy vey, give me a break, only time will tell. Every family and situation is different.
4) I was merely telling Jane I liked the description of her dream...

@Masha - what exactly is the point of your comments?

Lori, I agree with you that PPD has some ties to your childhood memories/parents, (though if you subscribe to Freud, every mental illness has to do with your parents). As someone who experienced a form of baby blues though did not feel like my baby was a stranger, but did have episodes of crying and strong emotions...in any case, for some reason it does make you sensitive about your parents, but in my opinion, it's only because they are there helping you with your child at that tough time, and you wonder what they were like with you when you were a baby, and it brings up memories/stories from your childhood/youth.

Anyways, i wonder if parents become an easy target because they are there for you, and you are not used to having them share as much with you anymore after being somewhat independent for several years on your own etc...

I also wanted to add that I liked the description of your dream. I truly did, especially the fact that you saw your grandfather was so touching. It was also a refreshing piece of writing from you. The other one I liked from your blog is the 40 things on being a mom (mainly the putting on pads with witch hazel description). The common denominator with these pieces of writing, they weer sincere, and had some interesting more descriptive details...letters to monkey are pretty good too.

In any case, why did you bring up the dream? Is this because your therapist asked you about your dreams? It's a common Freudian/psychoanalysis thing, they want to analyze your dreams...oh well, as long as you are having fun with this.

By the way, it's easy to say you are going to do better than your parents, only time and what your relationship with your kids is going to be like will tell...

To comment on Masha's comment, I do feel that issues with my own parents affect my postpartum depression. This might not be the same for you, Jane, but I feel like when I started having doubts about what kind of parent I was/am because of the feelings I was having after my son was born, I spent a lot of time thinking about my parents and the examples they set for me. And in my case, their examples weren't always good.

Jane, do what you feel is right and healthy for you. I support you!

Sounds like you are feeling better. You said that you "love your life right now". Is this you or is this antidepressant talking? If you feel like you are feeling better, does it mean that you do not have to take the medicine anymore? Are you afraid that you might relapse if you stop the lexapro? Now that you are feeling better, do you feel that you made the right decision by taking this drug, instead of just trying therapy first? Do you feel that stopping breastfeeding may have been enough instead of taking the medicine?

I came across this article that there is an epidemic of people being on antidepressants in the US right now. Are you going to switch to just doing therapy?
http://www.metro.us/us/article/2009/09/28/22/4600-...

I wonder what does diagnosis with PPD have to do with your childhood upbringing/family issues? Is this even relevant? Why is this therapist trying to dig deeper? What are you hoping to accomplish in these sessions. From your descriptions, it sounds like focusing on this subject in your sessions is exacerbating your relationship with your parents...Why not focus on your baby instead of on your issues with your parents, which do not seem very serious, by the way.

I have been following your blog for a little bit as I too just had a baby (4 weeks ago) and I just wanted to say that your post was like a balm to my heart. I have been going through the same thing and feeling the same things and your post made me realize that a lot of it is because of my family. Mine was the same way and my husband and I swore our son's life would never be that way and I have been so scared of turning out like my parent's. Thank you for sharing your story, it made me realize that I am not alone.

So glad you're doing well! I'm actually going in to talk with my OB tomorrow about some postpartum/baby blues issues I've been having, and I'm both nervous and excited. I just love reading your blog, and everything you've said, I can totally relate to! Keep up the good work!

It's hard to know what to say, because you said it so well in your own post. Like the other commenters, I am so happy that you are feeling yourself again! That's wonderful news. It is also really really great that you are addressing your family of origin issues. Like so many out there, I also come from a dysfunctional family. I spent years in therapy dealing with it, because you can't just walk away and forget about it. Those experiences shape you and if you don't address them, they have a tendency to come out in your life anyway. By dealing with them openly and honestly, like you are doing now, you put yourself in the great position of being able to direct your own future, without unwanted interference from your past.

Like you, I always wanted that ideal, 50's image of a family. I couldn't get it as a child, but I now have the ability to give it to my children. While we are expecting a son in 6 weeks, we are also adopting my 10-year old niece. So we have already started with the family dinners, with the TV off, and with family talk. We try to play games, though having a game night is getting harder as I get closer to term. My husband and I don't fight, and try not to even get angry in front of E., since she is sensitive to drama. We had an issue over the weekend, and unlike when I was a child, we talked it out. I even apologized to her for what I did wrong and promised to try to be clearer with her so she doesn't get confused about what I want from her. We "talk", we get "real" with each other, and I plan on doing the same with our son. That's how you build the family bonds, in my opinion.

And we will never cancel Christmas either!

I'd tell you good luck with all you are doing, but honestly, Jane, you don't need luck. You have the strength to work through this and come out glowing on the other side. As someone else said, Tarzan and Monkey are lucky to have you. You are, and will continue to be, a great mom, and a great person!

Family drama is so hard to deal with, but I agree, nothing better than starting your own family and new traditions that don't involve disfunction. You have come so far in such a short amount of time with regards to depression, amazing.

It's good to know what you want. I have an 18 month old and I am still not certain I can ever handle another child. I change my mind daily on if I want to have another or not. When werehaving bad days, I never want another nor the one I have. yet today at playgroup I saw a mom breastfeeding her 8-month-old and I yearned to have a second. I'd love to have litle girl, but would be happy with a boy. If I ever jabe a 2nd boy I already have the name picked out. Pathetic it is, when I am not sure if I evere want another one and I change my mind daily on my realtionship with Eric. Ack. I didn't mean to write sucha long comment.

It's hard to have the family your born into. I've always wanted an ideal family. I was raised by my dad from the time I was 6, I have 2 older half sisters that resulted in my mom's 1st marriage and a younger half brother from my mom and step-dad (who happens to be a verbally abusive alcoholic.) Whom she is still with and has been since I was young. My realtionship wit my dad is a love-hate one. I love him and he is the most generous person you will ever meet. But I hate him because I am his world, he never remarried has only ever had one girlfriend since my mom and him and and he never leaves me alone, calls me costantly and I can't breathe. This is why he has never had a real realtionship because he pushes women away as he is very needy.

I have been following your blog for ahwile now. I followed you through your PPD. I was just diagnosed with PPD myself yesterday. I can't wait until I am feeling confident and well like you. I just started Zoloft and will be attending a weekly PPD support group at the hospital where I delivered. I hope within the next month I am sounding like you do now! I can't wait...and thanks for sharing!

Hi Jane,
From your last post about your dad...it sounds a lot like emotional extortion to me. Its a form of manipulative abuse and it's really confusing for someone who grew up in that kind of environment.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! This post made me smile:-)! You sound like a new person and that makes us all excited for you. And just so you know, you are not alone with the dysfunctional family. I think we all have some sort of issues, but honestly mine is more like yours if not worse. Understand you are not alone, and sometimes you just have to find comfort knowing you got out of there with all of your marbles:-)! Keep up the fantastic work.

Ps, I don't think your goals of having a happy baby and husband and a clean house with dinner on the table is too out of your reach...heck you have already shown us all what a miracle worker you are:-)

MVP, I second that thought. Why on EARTH would you want to move little monkey closer to their craziness?!

That was an amazing post. Truly, amazing. I'm so happy that you've found the light again, after so many dark, dark days. It's inspiring. And I think that looking back, and coming to terms with your past is a wonderful, huge step. Good job!! Your Monkey is a very lucky little baby!

I can't wait to see what happens next. Jane you've done a 180 and you sound so much better!!! And your already thinking about more kids!! I want 4 as well.... my fiance and I don't agree on that one but he'll learn to accept the idea. The good thing is to get one out of diapers and then have another!!! Good luck and your dream is almost the same dream I had last night.

You sound so content and sensible all of a sudden. A dysfunction family history is no joke but like you said, its all about YOUR little family now. And let me let you in on a little secret, you'll probably parent the complete opposite from your mum and dad because of it all. So it wasn't all in vain...

Jane, your family drama reminded me of my somewhat dysfunctional childhood! My parents separated when I was only 3 and after a few years of living on our own, my mom remarried. I saw my dad every other weekend and my step-dad was good to me but we never really shared a deep father-daughter relationship. Not to mention how lonely it was growing up as an only child. Like you, I want my baby's childhood to be different (better!). She'll have a daddy that's there for her all the time and, hopefully, a sibling or two to play with! Anyway, thanks for sharing your experiences and I hope you can create the big, happy family that you've always wanted and deserved :-)

Another thing to remember is that you have the power to create your own family as well. While finishing up graduate school some friends rented out the basement of our house. It's been a few years since then, but not only are we still best friends, but we consider each other family. I'm lucky to have a great blood-related family too, but that makes my friend-family no less important.

I'm so happy you are feeling better and that your treatment is working for you! Congratulations! Now you need to put your photo up on the Postpartum Progress Surviving & Thriving Mothers Photo Album!!

Dear Jane,
So happy you're feeling better! Wow, what a turn around!
Thanks for sharing your family issues, I can relate to a lot of what you write about. My greatest joy in life was finding a loving, caring husband that really listens to me, and knowing that I didn't have to repeat the roles my parents were in.
I really hope you think very hard (I know you are already) about moving closer to your parents, it seems like a little distance from them isn't a bad thing.

Great Post! Your dad sounds a lot like my dad. It was very hard growing up. My mom was submissive to everything he said. Thanks for sharing. :)

Jane, this is so great to write all of this stuff down to sort it out as you're going through it. You are so strong to be able to put everything out there in the open and examine it. Tarzan and Monkey are lucky to have you.

Keep concentrating on the wonderful family you have in front of you, and don't waste time stressing about things you can't change with the rest of them.

WOW what a wonderful uplifting post to read. I am so happy that you've come through this and that you've come out of it smiling and optimistic and happy. Your family is yours to create in the way that you choose. I wish you lots of happiness on the road ahead and again, thank you for being brave enough to share your story.

I think its really great that you are blogging about the problems your dealing with in therapy. Getting out of your system like that is soooo helpful! I think I need to have an anonymous blog just to write about my childhood terrors. My dad was a food nazi. He would point to really over weight people and say "thats you in 10 years" to my sister and I. My sister would eat whatever she wanted anyway, but I always felt so guilty about eating even a turkey sandwich. I would wait until he went to the bathroom stuff food under my shirt and run to the other bathroom to eat.

My dad was the same way about weight and constantly berated my mom and me. I too ended up with an eating disorder and I still have issues. That's my biggest worry with my daughters, but I know my husband will never say anything like that.

As for 4 kids.. ugh, good luck. I do think it's easier when you don't get 2 babies at a time though.

Sheesh, why would you want to expose Monkey more often to all that? If Tarzan's family is great, then focus more on them as his grandparents. Be careful about spending too much energy on trying to please them and get them into his life. It may backfire.

Jane, I am so glad that you are sooo happy! I am so happy for you!

I understand about the family drama. I am currently trying to rise above my own family drama. I just found out last week that my parents are separating after 36 years of marriage. I know that my parents haven't been happy for the last 10 years, but my mom called me out of the blue in the middle of my work day and just told me that they were splitting and selling the house. I called a therapist the very next day!