Going to see my postpartum depression therapist is like going to the gym. I dread getting ready & actually driving there, but once I’m there it’s fabulous. Today was no different.
I walked into my postpartum depression therapy appointment ready to tell my therapist that I no longer needed her assistance, but left my appointment signed up for a women’s group for eight weeks. Go figure.
I had a great appointment today. The postpartum depression isn’t my reality anymore, which is oh so nice. Now we deal with family drama in therapy, which can be as equally annoying as it is helpful. I’m learning a lot & strangely enough, I’m the “healthy” one in my family.
My therapist told me that I look just wonderful. I’m all smiles & love talking about my son. I love being a mom & I feel super confident being a mom. I love sharing that my son smiles & cooes & follows me with his eyes. I love my life right now & I am striving to have a clean house, dinner made, & keep up with my son.
An ambitious goal, but it’s what I want. Who would have ever thought I would say that?! Not me, but I want to take care of my son & my husband.
Oh, and I told my therapist that I want three more kids. Yes, that’s right… three more kids. She almost choked on her water when I said that. Me… the same girl who was crying a couple of months ago telling her that I didn’t even want one child, let alone any more. Me… the same girl who said that I wasn’t cut out to be a mom. Me… the same girl who had tears streaming down her face because it all seemed so overwhelming.
Yes, I want four kids total… but don’t worry, I’m not going to go getting pregnant right now or anything.
Funny how time changes everything, isn’t it?
So, back to therapy…
We talked about my dad (are you surprised?). My therapist brought up so many good points and mainly told me that I was the “healthy” one by getting help & facing that my family dynamics aren’t exactly how they should have been.
For example:
1. My mom canceling Christmas.
Yes, you read that right. My mom canceled Christmas a few years ago. Long story short: My parents surprised my brother at his apartment a few months prior to Christmas. My parents were giving my brother money to help him out. My brother’s apartment smelled like weed. My dad freaked out & left. My brother & my dad didn’t talk for a few months & then it was Christmas time. I spent the night Christmas Eve & woke up on Christmas morning not having a clue that my brother & dad hadn’t spoke in months.
My brother came over to my parent’s house, went into my dad’s office, & then yelled, “Eff you” & stormed out of the house. Next thing I know my mom is on the phone to all of my relatives canceling Christmas. I go upstairs with my dog & just start crying. Christmas is my favorite holiday & I have no idea why it was just cancelled.
My mom comes upstairs & explains to me what happened & how my dad asked my brother to come over & apologize. My brother saw no wrong in smoking weed in his own apartment, wouldn’t apologize, so my dad told him to leave. My mom couldn’t see celebrating Christmas without my brother, hence canceling it. I was like poor Cindy Lou in “The Grinch Stole Christmas”. I just wanted to celebrate this great holiday.
Now it gets better…
My mom & dad are not speaking. My mom can’t believe that my dad actually told my brother to leave on (gasp) Christmas & my dad sees no wrong. I’m the innocent one there who cannot believe what is unfolding before my eyes. Then my parents, who are not speaking, & myself start taking down the Christmas tree… On Christmas day. How depressing it was.
Then I decide to leave. My mom decides to pack up her whole freakin’ car & come to my house. My brother & my mom come to my house & we (try to) celebrate Christmas & open our presents. My mom stays for two weeks until she decides to go back home. This Christmas was a BIG fail.
2. Dinner – No talking
I’ve always yearned for the kind of family that you see on old television shows. You know, the ones that actually enjoy each other’s company & eat dinner together while sharing their happenings for that day. My family was not like this. We pretty much ate dinner in silence. Most of the times my parents weren’t on speaking terms, so we just tried to get through dinner so it would be over quicker.
3. Friends
I was always happy to go over to my friend’s houses instead of them coming to mine. Reason? One time one of my girl friends told me “Jane, I don’t want to go to your house. It’s like a war zone & there is so much tension. Come to mine instead.” Point taken & how true it was.
4. Trying to step in
I’m not sure how old I was, but I know that it had to have been younger than 11 yrs old because that’s what we moved. My parents would argue & I would be sent to my room. I would listen from my room & feel so angry. Then I would march out into the living room & stand up to my dad for my mom. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t seem to stand up for herself. My dad would tell me to stop & go back to my room. My mom would tell me to stop & go back to my room. Then I would get more angry & I would go back to my room promising myself that I would never be like them.
5. Eating Disorder
I had an eating disorder. It stemmed from my dad, which is no surprise really. I remember coming home from school & wanting a snack. What kid isn’t hungry after school, right? One memory that sticks out in my mind is me eating some goldfish crackers. My dad puffed up his cheeks (like to make a fat face) & said, “Once on the lips, forever on the hips”. No wonder I developed an eating disorder, right?!
6. Family dream
I had a dream the other night about my whole family. It was so awesome that I cried when I told Tarzan about it. When I was younger my whole family (it’s big) would go to my grandparent’s house every Sunday & eat pasta. We would always go over there on the holidays & even the day before to cook the food & watch football. It was if my family truly enjoyed being with one another & I loved that. It was so nice.
Now that my grandfather is no longer alive & that my grandmother is (sadly) losing her mind, our family does not seem to enjoy one another anymore. In fact, the holidays are not like they used to be. Most of my family is out of town now & they have their own families to celebrate the holidays with. It’s so different now.
So in my dream Tarzan & I were married & we had Monkey. It was all in the present time in my dream. We had just put Monkey to sleep & were going to go in the living room to make out. I know, funny right? Well, when we went into the living room we saw my parents outside in the backyard. I was annoyed because I wanted to make out with my husband, but we let them in anyways.
Then T & I went to wake up Monkey. It was September. When we came out of the bedroom with Monkey with us, the house was full of all of my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents… All of the dead relatives were alive. In my dream I bawled my eyes out after we left the bedroom. I was SO happy, like full of happiness.
Then we all started to decorate for Christmas, even though it was September. We cherished being with one another & I felt so happy. It was so great to see my grandfather, aunt, uncle, and cousin that have passed. It was even more amazing for them to meet Monkey and see my as a mom. It was precious & how I wished that it was real.
We all celebrated Christmas & being with one another… and then I woke up. But I woke up with peace & feeling so good. I told Tarzan & cried before I could get everything out. I remember telling him that they were happy tears, not sad. It was so good to see everyone.
That is the one and only time I’ve ever dreamt about dead family members. It’s also the only time that I’ve dreamt about the “good ole days” with family. And it means so much.
I want family & I yearn for it. I don’t necessarily get everything that I need from my parents, but the good thing is that now I’m a parent & I can create my own family memories for Monkey. I will never cancel Christmas. Tarzan and I will always strive to be “real” with Monkey, while trying really hard to never fight in front of him. We will have family days where we play board games without the Internet & without the phone. We will eat dinner as a family & talk about our days. We will enjoy each other’s company.
Most importantly, I will give my little guy all of the love that I felt like was missing out on. I will let him be a child instead of making him grow up to be an adult quickly. And I promise that I will always cherish every single moment with him & tell him how much he means to me, how much better he has made my life, & how I could not imagine life without him. Ever.
You might also want to read:
- Being real with therapy, postpartum depression, family, & friends
- Therapist appointment, torticollis, and some postpartum depression talk too
- Postpartum depression: Success with being real & worrying about word vomit
- Psychiatrist appointment for postpartum depression = A wasted day
- Six week postpartum appointment and going to a psychiatrist for postpartum depression
{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }
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@Masha – no need to clarify any further and btw was expecting the bitchy comment on my site as well. Seems I know your kind, take a hike chick! PS I’m not American and no need to throw shoes at different cultures either.
@Marilyn, can you clarify, what is it that you find so confusing about my comments? Which of my comments do you mean?
here is what i wanted to bring up:
1) When is Jane getting off lexapro if she “loves her life”? Is she going to relapse?
2) why is her therapist encouraging her in bringing up her childhood/parents issues into this?
3) my opinion, if you feel like an inadequate mother because of PPD, then do not take it out on your own parents to make yourself feel better. Like “my parents canceled christmas”; thus, I’ll be better and not be like that….oy vey, give me a break, only time will tell. Every family and situation is different.
4) I was merely telling Jane I liked the description of her dream…
@Masha – what exactly is the point of your comments?
Lori, I agree with you that PPD has some ties to your childhood memories/parents, (though if you subscribe to Freud, every mental illness has to do with your parents). As someone who experienced a form of baby blues though did not feel like my baby was a stranger, but did have episodes of crying and strong emotions…in any case, for some reason it does make you sensitive about your parents, but in my opinion, it’s only because they are there helping you with your child at that tough time, and you wonder what they were like with you when you were a baby, and it brings up memories/stories from your childhood/youth.
Anyways, i wonder if parents become an easy target because they are there for you, and you are not used to having them share as much with you anymore after being somewhat independent for several years on your own etc…
I also wanted to add that I liked the description of your dream. I truly did, especially the fact that you saw your grandfather was so touching. It was also a refreshing piece of writing from you. The other one I liked from your blog is the 40 things on being a mom (mainly the putting on pads with witch hazel description). The common denominator with these pieces of writing, they weer sincere, and had some interesting more descriptive details…letters to monkey are pretty good too.
In any case, why did you bring up the dream? Is this because your therapist asked you about your dreams? It’s a common Freudian/psychoanalysis thing, they want to analyze your dreams…oh well, as long as you are having fun with this.
By the way, it’s easy to say you are going to do better than your parents, only time and what your relationship with your kids is going to be like will tell…
To comment on Masha’s comment, I do feel that issues with my own parents affect my postpartum depression. This might not be the same for you, Jane, but I feel like when I started having doubts about what kind of parent I was/am because of the feelings I was having after my son was born, I spent a lot of time thinking about my parents and the examples they set for me. And in my case, their examples weren’t always good.
Jane, do what you feel is right and healthy for you. I support you!
Sounds like you are feeling better. You said that you “love your life right now”. Is this you or is this antidepressant talking? If you feel like you are feeling better, does it mean that you do not have to take the medicine anymore? Are you afraid that you might relapse if you stop the lexapro? Now that you are feeling better, do you feel that you made the right decision by taking this drug, instead of just trying therapy first? Do you feel that stopping breastfeeding may have been enough instead of taking the medicine?
I came across this article that there is an epidemic of people being on antidepressants in the US right now. Are you going to switch to just doing therapy?
http://www.metro.us/us/article/2009/09/28/22/4600-82/index.xml
I wonder what does diagnosis with PPD have to do with your childhood upbringing/family issues? Is this even relevant? Why is this therapist trying to dig deeper? What are you hoping to accomplish in these sessions. From your descriptions, it sounds like focusing on this subject in your sessions is exacerbating your relationship with your parents…Why not focus on your baby instead of on your issues with your parents, which do not seem very serious, by the way.
I have been following your blog for a little bit as I too just had a baby (4 weeks ago) and I just wanted to say that your post was like a balm to my heart. I have been going through the same thing and feeling the same things and your post made me realize that a lot of it is because of my family. Mine was the same way and my husband and I swore our son’s life would never be that way and I have been so scared of turning out like my parent’s. Thank you for sharing your story, it made me realize that I am not alone.
So glad you’re doing well! I’m actually going in to talk with my OB tomorrow about some postpartum/baby blues issues I’ve been having, and I’m both nervous and excited. I just love reading your blog, and everything you’ve said, I can totally relate to! Keep up the good work!
It’s hard to know what to say, because you said it so well in your own post. Like the other commenters, I am so happy that you are feeling yourself again! That’s wonderful news. It is also really really great that you are addressing your family of origin issues. Like so many out there, I also come from a dysfunctional family. I spent years in therapy dealing with it, because you can’t just walk away and forget about it. Those experiences shape you and if you don’t address them, they have a tendency to come out in your life anyway. By dealing with them openly and honestly, like you are doing now, you put yourself in the great position of being able to direct your own future, without unwanted interference from your past.
Like you, I always wanted that ideal, 50′s image of a family. I couldn’t get it as a child, but I now have the ability to give it to my children. While we are expecting a son in 6 weeks, we are also adopting my 10-year old niece. So we have already started with the family dinners, with the TV off, and with family talk. We try to play games, though having a game night is getting harder as I get closer to term. My husband and I don’t fight, and try not to even get angry in front of E., since she is sensitive to drama. We had an issue over the weekend, and unlike when I was a child, we talked it out. I even apologized to her for what I did wrong and promised to try to be clearer with her so she doesn’t get confused about what I want from her. We “talk”, we get “real” with each other, and I plan on doing the same with our son. That’s how you build the family bonds, in my opinion.
And we will never cancel Christmas either!
I’d tell you good luck with all you are doing, but honestly, Jane, you don’t need luck. You have the strength to work through this and come out glowing on the other side. As someone else said, Tarzan and Monkey are lucky to have you. You are, and will continue to be, a great mom, and a great person!
Family drama is so hard to deal with, but I agree, nothing better than starting your own family and new traditions that don’t involve disfunction. You have come so far in such a short amount of time with regards to depression, amazing.
It’s good to know what you want. I have an 18 month old and I am still not certain I can ever handle another child. I change my mind daily on if I want to have another or not. When werehaving bad days, I never want another nor the one I have. yet today at playgroup I saw a mom breastfeeding her 8-month-old and I yearned to have a second. I’d love to have litle girl, but would be happy with a boy. If I ever jabe a 2nd boy I already have the name picked out. Pathetic it is, when I am not sure if I evere want another one and I change my mind daily on my realtionship with Eric. Ack. I didn’t mean to write sucha long comment.
It’s hard to have the family your born into. I’ve always wanted an ideal family. I was raised by my dad from the time I was 6, I have 2 older half sisters that resulted in my mom’s 1st marriage and a younger half brother from my mom and step-dad (who happens to be a verbally abusive alcoholic.) Whom she is still with and has been since I was young. My realtionship wit my dad is a love-hate one. I love him and he is the most generous person you will ever meet. But I hate him because I am his world, he never remarried has only ever had one girlfriend since my mom and him and and he never leaves me alone, calls me costantly and I can’t breathe. This is why he has never had a real realtionship because he pushes women away as he is very needy.
I have been following your blog for ahwile now. I followed you through your PPD. I was just diagnosed with PPD myself yesterday. I can’t wait until I am feeling confident and well like you. I just started Zoloft and will be attending a weekly PPD support group at the hospital where I delivered. I hope within the next month I am sounding like you do now! I can’t wait…and thanks for sharing!
Hi Jane,
From your last post about your dad…it sounds a lot like emotional extortion to me. Its a form of manipulative abuse and it’s really confusing for someone who grew up in that kind of environment.
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! This post made me smile:-)! You sound like a new person and that makes us all excited for you. And just so you know, you are not alone with the dysfunctional family. I think we all have some sort of issues, but honestly mine is more like yours if not worse. Understand you are not alone, and sometimes you just have to find comfort knowing you got out of there with all of your marbles:-)! Keep up the fantastic work.
Ps, I don’t think your goals of having a happy baby and husband and a clean house with dinner on the table is too out of your reach…heck you have already shown us all what a miracle worker you are:-)
MVP, I second that thought. Why on EARTH would you want to move little monkey closer to their craziness?!
That was an amazing post. Truly, amazing. I’m so happy that you’ve found the light again, after so many dark, dark days. It’s inspiring. And I think that looking back, and coming to terms with your past is a wonderful, huge step. Good job!! Your Monkey is a very lucky little baby!
I can’t wait to see what happens next. Jane you’ve done a 180 and you sound so much better!!! And your already thinking about more kids!! I want 4 as well…. my fiance and I don’t agree on that one but he’ll learn to accept the idea. The good thing is to get one out of diapers and then have another!!! Good luck and your dream is almost the same dream I had last night.
You sound so content and sensible all of a sudden. A dysfunction family history is no joke but like you said, its all about YOUR little family now. And let me let you in on a little secret, you’ll probably parent the complete opposite from your mum and dad because of it all. So it wasn’t all in vain…
Jane, your family drama reminded me of my somewhat dysfunctional childhood! My parents separated when I was only 3 and after a few years of living on our own, my mom remarried. I saw my dad every other weekend and my step-dad was good to me but we never really shared a deep father-daughter relationship. Not to mention how lonely it was growing up as an only child. Like you, I want my baby’s childhood to be different (better!). She’ll have a daddy that’s there for her all the time and, hopefully, a sibling or two to play with! Anyway, thanks for sharing your experiences and I hope you can create the big, happy family that you’ve always wanted and deserved
Another thing to remember is that you have the power to create your own family as well. While finishing up graduate school some friends rented out the basement of our house. It’s been a few years since then, but not only are we still best friends, but we consider each other family. I’m lucky to have a great blood-related family too, but that makes my friend-family no less important.
I’m so happy you are feeling better and that your treatment is working for you! Congratulations! Now you need to put your photo up on the Postpartum Progress Surviving & Thriving Mothers Photo Album!!
Dear Jane,
So happy you’re feeling better! Wow, what a turn around!
Thanks for sharing your family issues, I can relate to a lot of what you write about. My greatest joy in life was finding a loving, caring husband that really listens to me, and knowing that I didn’t have to repeat the roles my parents were in.
I really hope you think very hard (I know you are already) about moving closer to your parents, it seems like a little distance from them isn’t a bad thing.
Great Post! Your dad sounds a lot like my dad. It was very hard growing up. My mom was submissive to everything he said. Thanks for sharing.
Jane, this is so great to write all of this stuff down to sort it out as you’re going through it. You are so strong to be able to put everything out there in the open and examine it. Tarzan and Monkey are lucky to have you.
Keep concentrating on the wonderful family you have in front of you, and don’t waste time stressing about things you can’t change with the rest of them.
WOW what a wonderful uplifting post to read. I am so happy that you’ve come through this and that you’ve come out of it smiling and optimistic and happy. Your family is yours to create in the way that you choose. I wish you lots of happiness on the road ahead and again, thank you for being brave enough to share your story.
I think its really great that you are blogging about the problems your dealing with in therapy. Getting out of your system like that is soooo helpful! I think I need to have an anonymous blog just to write about my childhood terrors. My dad was a food nazi. He would point to really over weight people and say “thats you in 10 years” to my sister and I. My sister would eat whatever she wanted anyway, but I always felt so guilty about eating even a turkey sandwich. I would wait until he went to the bathroom stuff food under my shirt and run to the other bathroom to eat.
My dad was the same way about weight and constantly berated my mom and me. I too ended up with an eating disorder and I still have issues. That’s my biggest worry with my daughters, but I know my husband will never say anything like that.
As for 4 kids.. ugh, good luck. I do think it’s easier when you don’t get 2 babies at a time though.
Sheesh, why would you want to expose Monkey more often to all that? If Tarzan’s family is great, then focus more on them as his grandparents. Be careful about spending too much energy on trying to please them and get them into his life. It may backfire.
Jane, I am so glad that you are sooo happy! I am so happy for you!
I understand about the family drama. I am currently trying to rise above my own family drama. I just found out last week that my parents are separating after 36 years of marriage. I know that my parents haven’t been happy for the last 10 years, but my mom called me out of the blue in the middle of my work day and just told me that they were splitting and selling the house. I called a therapist the very next day!
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