All of a sudden many people around me are about to have their babies. I’ve heard so much about how excited Andrea is, and how Caroline can’t wait to meet her son right away, and on and on.
I’m so happy for all these expecting friends, but I can’t help but feel just a little sad for myself. Why?
Because I feel like I missed out on that initial bond & feeling the excitement of meeting my son for the first time.
Don’t get me wrong – I was way ready to have Monkey & meet him & I thought that I had an accurate idea of what to expect of being a mom. But when my water broke, I cried because I was scared. Driving to the hospital I tried to keep myself calm & fight back my scared tears that seemed to really want to roll down my face.
My fear of what was about to happen & the big change in my life took precedence over my excitement. And while I’m sure that’s quite normal, I feel really sad about it.
Sad that I didn’t treasure those initial moments with Monkey because I can never go back and retrieve them. I wish that I was one of those new moms who were drunk on those first moments with my son. Like experiencing such a high & a rush of a new love that I’ve never known.
If you remember, I was completely out of it just two hours after Monkey’s arrival into this world. He spent his first night of life in the nursery & I spent my first hours of being a mom passed out in my hospital bed. Not exactly the way to do it. When I woke up that next morning I couldn’t wait for my son to be delivered to me, but I felt overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed at breastfeeding, overwhelmed at the nurses coming in, overwhelmed at my phone ringing, overwhelmed at visitors, overwhelmed that I was responsible for this human being, overwhelmed at changing his diaper, overwhelmed at listening to him crying, and the list goes on.
Obviously those overwhelming moments rose above having any feelings about being a mom. I waited 9 months to meet my little guy, but I wasn’t exactly enjoying it. It was all too scary for me.
Obviously I’m there now and I know that I should just be thankful that I’m finally experiencing what I should have felt in the beginning, but I do find my mind drifting to those first few days of Monkey’s life. And it makes it hard when I’m around expectant moms & they ask me how amazing those first moments with Monkey were.
I kind of lie about it because I don’t want to scare an expectant mom. I don’t want to take any of the excitement & anticipation away from them.
One of my friends is actually in labor at the hospital right now. I’m so excited & thrilled for them beyond words, but I just can’t help but wonder why I wasn’t like this when my own son was born. How I wish that I could go back in time & change my emotions, but I am really hopeful for the future because I think it’ll be so different the next time around.
And really, my little Monkey gets all the love he needs from me right now. He’s my best friend & has made my life so complete in a way that I never knew could be. Most importantly, he doesn’t remember his first few hours of life… all he knows is his life now & my abundant love for him that grows each day. And that’s all that he needs.
You might also want to read:
- Pregnancy Labor and Delivery: Pictures, the hospital stories, the nurse, and everything you wanted to know!
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- 39 weeks pregnant: Aerosmith concert vs. labor and delivery
- 38 weeks pregnant: We finally packed the hospital bag for labor and delivery