Comments on: If only I could go back in time, how I wish those moments after labor & delivery with Monkey were different

By: Val

Val — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 17:09:24 +0000

We can’t make those first moments anything different than what they are, but regardless of how we feel the result of those moments is that we have amazing little people from now on who call us Mommy.

The first time I gave birth I felt incredible euphoria and empowerment and peace. The second time I couldn’t make my arms work, felt foggy and panicked, and wondered why I didn’t love #2 as much as #1. Obviously I DO love #2 as much as #1, but you can’t force feelings when you’ve just lost a bunch of blood and water, have crazy hormones, are exhausted, and there is a new person that you don’t know hanging on your boob.

Point? Don’t should on yourself. No need to feel guilt, though I do understand the feelings over loss over what you wanted to experience. You love your monkey to pieces. Rest in that.

By: Gina

Gina — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 19:18:59 +0000

Jane, Please remove the word ‘should’ from your vocabulary. Depression runs thick in my family and I have found that thinking or saying what ‘should’ have been/be is the quickest way to send yourself back to depression. Your experience is yours and its okay the way you experienced it. PS I love following your blog

By: Jenny

Jenny — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 15:04:25 +0000

I had a similar experience with some of the other moms that commented. My daughter had to spend some time in NICU and so I only got to see her for a minute before they took her away. Not only did I not get to bond with her right after her birth, but everyone was visiting her in the NICU, leaving me alone. I hate to admit it, but I resented her at that moment – not only did she completely change my life, but she was taking attention away from me when I really needed it. Silly, I know. Things went differently with my son, thankfully, and he got to stay with me after his birth. I am happy to say that I was able to get over that resentment, but it was really tough to feel that connection with her at first.

By: Amanda

Amanda — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 04:42:54 +0000

Wow, NMN, you must be writhing in your own negativity. Yucky.
Anyway, I feel what you’re feeling, Jane. I was due when you were but my daughter was born “late” on Aug. 04. I had a very, very, very hard time bonding with her but now we’re doing much better and it continues to get better. My Mom passed away in June after a long illness. I had post partum depression bad, oh so bad, it was black. My awesome husband helped care for little Biscuit while I repaired. I was even trying to breastfeed through all of it. It took me some time to bond with her but now I adore her. I don’t let myself feel huge amounts of guilt about it anymore.
Now Biscuit gets 80-90% my milk, the rest Neocate formula to give me a break. On top of that she’s been quite colicky. I had to cut out chocolate, caffeine, all dairy, cruciferous veggies, all tomato products, and onions and she has been awesome since I did that. If I slip up we pay for it dearly. Not easy. The colic made it very hard to bond.
You’re not alone in how you feel. I never thought my beginning to motherhood would be tarnished like this but I’m getting through it and I’m a tougher person because of it. I was so tired after delivery I didn’t want to do anything. But we got through it and you will, too. You’ll have a great relationship with your son for sure.

By: Jen @ After The Alter

Jen @ After The Alter — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 16:03:25 +0000

What great honesty…thank you. I hope to be pregnant soon and although reading about how I COULD feel is scary..its good to know that it does happen and I wouldn’t be alone. I just spoke to my friend who just had a baby adn she expressed how hard it was…again it’s scary…but honesty is best right? (i guess for the most part)

By: Mary

Mary — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 23:06:35 +0000

Jane, I want you to know that I too appreciate your honesty. It helps me not feel so out of place and selfish. I am 38 weeks. I have yet to have that big mushy excited feeling that I’m going to have a baby. My husband and I planned the pregnancy, so I totally knew what I was getting into and looked forward to it. But now that I’m here I kinda feel like what’s the big deal. These are not feelings I can talk about to anyone, except my husband. Every woman I know wants me to be all gooey. I lie to them all the time. When someone says “Aren’t you excited?” they don’t actually want to hear the truth. I usually make some quip about being done with pregnancy and ready to pop my little girl out. Every woman can relate to that:) And if another woman I don’t know stops me in public to say “You’re glowing” or ” I loved being pregnant” I’m going to scream. I know there just trying to be nice. But I’m tired of puting on a fake smile and thanking them when I’m really just hoping she will leave me alone.
Anyway, I can’t relate to everyone talking about bonding with their baby because I haven’t felt anything like that yet. Hopefully, the moment I see our baby I will totally understand and be able to relate to all the stories of magically bonding between mom and child. But it really scares me that I won’t and it makes me feel better to know that not every woman forms the instant bond. I will always love my child, but I’m ok if it takes a little while to have the bonding feeling with her.
Sorry this was so long. But I wanted you to know that some of us need to know that there is nothing wrong with not feeling positive about everything all the time. Thanks

By: Julie

Julie — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 21:37:59 +0000

Jane,
Try not to compare yourself to others. It is easier said than done, but comparisons cause suffering…I truly believe that.

NMN,
Compassion and empathy are important traits for a mother to have. Actually, compassion/empathy are important human traits. Go cultivate them!

By: Mindykoob

Mindykoob — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 01:51:33 +0000

I’m laughing at NMN. B/c as much as this person seems to not like this blog or you Jane, he/she continues to come back to post. so tht says something right there )

Jane, I was SO excited to FINALLY meet my guy when the time came. The pregnancy was a surprise which took me some time to get over, bu tmy excitement grew.

But my labor was SOOOOO traumatic and long that when he did in fact arrive, I felt much like yourself. Very overwhelmed (i had a section and couldn’t do anything at first), happy, sad, elated, fearful, etc. And i cried the first two weeks. It was nuts. Obviously I was suffering from the baby blues/PPD too, which didn’t make it easier, but i do understand. I told my husband that I wish i was THRILLED like other moms.

BUT now I am and we’re getting along beautifully and i couldn’t imagine feeling that way now as i’ve gotten past it.

Keep doing the wonderful job that you’re doing as a mommy and wife. These moments now will make up for those you feel you missed out on. )

By: Judy from Toronto, Ontario Canada

Judy from Toronto, Ontario Canada — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 18:42:08 +0000

Hi Jane,

Just like everyone experiences their labour and delivery differently, I think the same can be said about how a new mom adjusts to life after having a baby. I think you’re journey to motherhood was the most courageous and rewarding one I’ve been privilaged to read about. I didn’t have half as much of the PPD you experienced, but went through feeling really sad, confused and overwhelmed to sheer joy and contentment now (3 mo. after). So don’t feel bad about missing out! Those hard times in the beginning made you a stronger and now happier mother to Monkey.

As for NMN, I feel sorry for you. Maybe you’re still struggling with motherhood and feel the need to hurt another person to feel better about yourself? Please keep your negativity to yourself.

By: Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 18:31:07 +0000

NMN – Come on. A child is a huge life change. Whenever there is a big change in another aspect of someone’s life – moving, job change, death, illness, adoption, etc – it takes time for them to adjust and nobody calls that selfish. Parenthood is no different.

Look, Jane, I didn’t have PPD and I adored my first few hours with my baby and I have a stellar support system and was surrounded by enough children to know what to expect, but even I had moments of doubt in the beginning. It’s normal and I think that as long as you get to the point where you are now as soon as you could, you didn’t miss anything. Keep up the honesty!