Thoughts from a hurt daughter: What does it take to win a dad’s love?

i know what you,er going through. my dad and his wife were very cruel to me when i needed their love and support the most. they forced me against my will with threats and blackmail to end my marriage and if thats not bad enough, my own dad told me that he was embaressed to be seen with me because of my clothes[i shop at walmart] and he and his wife tried to turn me against my husband for their own selfish purposes. i haven,t spoken to my dad in almost a year. your dad is resonsible for his behavior. don,t blame yourself. he made the choice. not you. your real father is God. he loves you no matter what. remember that.

Distant Dads are not a new phenom - I am close to 60 and wish my dad knew how to be a dad. Here's what I did: I can't (or won't) compete with the black sheep career criminal that gets all the attention. I don't need Dad to tell me how good I am. I don't have to let the hurt rule my life - but it still hurts. I do feel that he missed out on knowing 2 very awesome grandchildren. I know he missed out on seeing me grow into motherhood and grandmotherhood. But bottom line, sweetie, you count to your husband and son. You know what you want from those relationships and it sound like you are a warm, caring, loving mom and wife. Your dad may not care if you are a part of his family but you can be a part of mine anytime you like. I got lucky - at age 27 - and got a fantastic step-dad. The only reason he isn't "dad" is my biological dad is still alive. Be strong for Monkey and be glad that Tarzan is in your life. It's on your dad now and it sound like it is going to be his loss

I think you absolutly did the right thing about telling him how you feel, since emotionally challenged people have a hard time taking hints :). The next thing would be to forgive him. I know it's really really hard, but unless you make a conscious decision to do that, nothing he'll ever do matter. Like many comments here said, he probably doesn't know how to express himself very well, so you gotta be the bigger person. Please remember that none of this mean he doesn't love you - I'm sure he does, he just seems to have an overly defensive personality for some reason. Maybe for the way he was raised, I don't know. But regardless, you're so right for wanting him in Monkey's life and in your life, and that just shows your heart's in the right place.

@ TechyDad

I haven't met most of the members of my dad's side.... but my mom's side is pretty much like "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" lol

You just have to decide, is it better to have a relationship with a person who can so suddenly turn on you and give the silent treatment for months? Or is it better to not have them in your life? Only you can decide that.

Also, do you want to invite this on your son? If your dad pulls this business on everyone else in the family (you, your mom, your brother), he'll pull it with your son at some point. What if he promises to be there for Grandparents Day at school, then ditches your little guy because he's holding a petty grudge against YOU for some reason? That sort of thing, I could never stand for.

This is also the kind of relationship I have with my father. I used to be sad about it but I can't expect to want something that I want. If he is anything like my father, he never speaks of matters of the heart, he never expresses any emotion except angry and frustration. I used to feel sorry for him - that he's missing out on life but if he doesn't want to change - you can't make it.

Its hard but eventually you learn to live with it.

Jane, I too have a dysfunctional relationship with my mother. She is very self-centered and lives for herself. She used my college fund to buy herself a new car, but gave me $1000 of it b/c she thought that was the right thing to do lol And that's only the beginning. I could go on and on but i won't bore you.

I agree with the majority in that this is your dad's way of reaching out, though it does suck. I do think you should perhaps ask him if he received your other email, and if so maybe ask him if he has any thoughts on it. But i wouldn't expect any miracles or anything drastic. Play it by ear. Remember that you've done ALL you can do to try to mend this. You've given this a tremendous effort. The ball is in his court as you said. I don't really foresee him apologizing or anything like that, with how you described him and his actions in the past, but if this is his way of reaching out, then you take what you can get. Perhaps the relationship will never be what it was, but at least it will be existent.

My mom has changed for the better since my son was born. I didn't expect it out of her, but he did change something. Granted we'll never be what we once were, but it's nice to know she loves my son so much, and is anxious to be a part of his life. I do wish this for you. Is your mom proactive at all??

Much love to you and T and baby monkey. Hang in there. If anything you've begun to break this cycle with your son

Jane it took me and my father 12 years to speak to one another we had not speken since he kicked me out of hime at 16, and it is only now because of his grandchild that we have any sort of relationship.

I decided when i made the initial contact to tell him i was pregnant that the past was the past and i refused to go down that road again and drag up all our issues weather or not this is a good thing i don't know it's really too early to tell but i have been amazed at his effort to call and come and visit me.

I can only say that men have trouble expressing there emotions and this leaves us daughters out in the cold at times not knowing where to turn.. Maybe you need to forgive him for his misgivings and try and move forward, as I can speak from experience that bringing the past up in the form of an email will not get the results you want I bet he is shocked and even embarassed that he has left his daughter feeling that she can not speak about this in person. and even more shocked and ashamed that your message was received via email I bet he has not even told your mum about the email.

From the sounds of it there were good times as well and it is important to realise that although he struggles to show his emotions and has totally disregarded your email that he does love you and monkey..

I hope you can work it out with him and that he starts to share in Monkey's life as it has made me very happy seeing my father with his first grandchild

It's funny I read this post minutes before my dad arrived for a visit I am just replying now after he has left.

I am going to try to keep this short and simple.

I am not sure where I heard this (my husband says he said it to my daughter but I don't remember that! LOL), but I think it applies here:

You can't control other people's actions... all you can control is how YOU react to them.

From the sounds of it, your father is the man he was when you were born. He hasn't changed over the years. There is nothing you are going to be able to do to make him into the dad you want him to be.

You will have to make a choice. Either to accept him the way he is or not have him in your life.

It stinks. It isn't fun. Or nice. You will never have your 'dream' father. But you will still have a father- and monkey will still have a grandfather. Even if it is only in small doses that you can tolerate.

And remember, sometimes the best lessens we learn in life the ones we learn by the mistakes others make. Like Tarzan said- you are not like your dad. You learned what kind of parent NOT to be by his example.

Aww Jane, my heart goes out to you! Like the previous posters, I believe your dad's invitation to his house on Sunday is his way of trying to forge a relationship with you again. Most older guys have a very hard time talking about their emotions. More than likely, he read your email, and his question of, "You sound depressed" was probably his way of trying to care about how you feel. It's tough for guys to hear that what they did wasn't what was needed; and it's even tougher for them to admit they were wrong and that they could have done a better job. My grandpa, who is a wonderful man, never showed emotion. When I was little, I would give him a hug, and it was like hugging a tree trunk--no hug back, no nothing. When I would say, "I love you Grandpa" he would answer with "Yep." I knew he loved me, but he never expressed it. After having thyroid cancer and successfully recovering from that, he will now at least say, "You too" when I say I love you to him. He also gives my son kisses; I never got kisses as a kid!

Go on Sunday and attempt to have a conversation with your father. Show off Monkey and tell him about how Monkey is growing and what he's doing. This is one of those times that you have to take the high road and do what's hardest and that's be nice to your dad, but if you work at it, there may be a time that you can talk about your feelings with him. Good luck, Jane! You've worked through other difficult things before; I know you can work through this one, too! :o)

I'm so sorry about all of this. My family is totally dysfunctional, so I know how you feel.

One question.... you mentioned a few weeks ago that you guys are moving. Is it so that you can move closer to these people?

Hi Jane,

I've followed your blog since just after you had Monkey. Im expecting our first baby in 3 weeks. I've loved reading about your journey but have never commented until now. I have the same issues with my dad. I wrote him a similar email last summer after we hadn't talked in months and never got a response. The only thing I got was feedback from my sisters who'd talked to him about it, and he told them that I was disrespectful for writing it and that he wouldn't respond to it. I talked to a family counselor who advised that I write the letter and if I didn't get a response to know that I had done my part to reach out. I eventually just called him and we never mentioned it. My husband suggested I re-email the letter, you could do that in response to his Sunday email with something like "I guess this email account
does work, maybe you missed this. I'd like to talk with you about it.
I know it's hard, just know you're not alone, men don't always know how to communicate or accept criticism. I decided to be the bigger person and contact him. I would be sad if something happened to
him and I couldn't say I did everything I could.

Sorry for the long post!!

This describes my relationship with my father as well. It's terrible. I am just moving on.

@"little" one,

Yes and in many ways it is comforting to know that the problems I have with my father are not unique. Growing up, my extended family was never close. I saw my cousins once a year (if that) and I decided that my sister and I would be close so my kids could have the extended family that I didn't have.

Once I grew up, got married and had kids, though, it didn't work out. I see my sister once a year (or less) and my parents about four or five times a year (if I'm lucky). Most times, I'm pressured to go see them instead of splitting who visits whom.

Meanwhile, my wife's extended family is close and my kids see them often. I like this, but it sometimes leaves me feeling a bit sad. I wish that my own family was that close.

Hi,
Firstly I am so sorry you are going through this.
I want to say that I was that father (not yours!) and I just wanted to say some things which might (or might not) help.
I have 4 daughters and I split with their mother some time ago. I come from a generation where I was taught (by my father) that boys were strong, they didn't cry and they didn't show their emotions (in fact being strong appeared to mean not having any). There is another thing that happens to some men as well and it is to do with time and depression.
In difficult times it is very frequent that people loose their sense of time. When I left there were weeks and weeks when I wouldn't contact my daughters. I felt awkward, didn't know what to say or do and I didn't notice how long had slipped by between contact. Even when I was with them I was separate. I realise now (years later) that I was alone with my feelings of hurt and didn't know how to reach out. I had no background of reaching out, of asking for help (it's not a strong thing to do) and I had no mechanism for dealing with other peoples emotions.
Looking back I realise all my communications were about practical things not emotions and relationships. I had been socialised like this. When things got difficult emotionally I, like many men turned even more practical.
If the conversation wasn't about 'stuff' I had no way to engage.

Now I am not saying all this to absolve your father, rather to help.
I reconnected eventually with myself and then realised what I had done.
Your father may need some help to see what he is trapped in. He may need someone (you?) to reach out to him.

I now have very regular and loving contact will all of my family. I now tell people what they mean to me and that I love them, but it took some time and quite a bit of change. What I did remains the biggest guilt of my life. I can't change what has gone but I can change what is now, and what is about to come. We all can.

I hope this helps in some way.
Best wishes and much love

Dave x

Jane,

*Hugs* It stinks that the issue is now so awkward. I know from reading your story and others responses to you that I am truly blessed to have a dad that does care- even if he wasn't always directly involved in ways other dads were, he was just VERY laid back but yet could be a disciplinarian when he needed to. I'm close with him.

But, I have to say, you keep asking "What did I do to deserve this?" and really, you didn't DO anything. He is just the way he is....but I would go Sunday if it were me- but I don't even know you, so I can only think of it from my perspective, but it sounded to me like it was his way of reaching out. Or trying to...

Then again, I sadly have a good friend who isn't close with her dad, she's tried to, but he was/is into drugs and he has lied to her so much and hurt her so many times, that she has chosen to not be in contact with him. It is sad, being she is his only child too, but, her head tells her it isn't good to be involved with him, even though her heart hurts from it. But I mean, she can't change the guy- and when it comes to drugs, who can change that but him??

My heart hurts for you in this situation but I would like to point out that your father did reach out to you in a way he could. Most of our parents do the best they know how to for us and at some point in our adult lives we need to accept that and move on.

Will the relationship ever be perfect? Likely not, but you can work on it. It seems to me that he's not capable (right now) of talking it out, but is trying...if you really want this to work for the sake of your son, perhaps you should give in a little here too and understand that he might just not be able to do so right away.

Just because you can express yourself, doesn't automatically force him to reply. Perhaps going on Sunday with an cheerful, "Dad, I hope we can talk about the email I sent you just a little bit." would be a good idea.

It took my grandfather 31 years to tell my mother he loved her and it took her a full year of therapy to ask if he did. When she finally sat him down and forced the issue, the answer was, "Lisa, you're not stupid. Why would you even ask that? Of course I love you." He simply comes from a different generation with different traits. His parents never spoke of loving him or showed it through attention or affection, he didn't towards his kids. The only reason my mother did towards us is because my brother was one of those babies that was a "lover" and demanded it.

Generations are different. I think he's reaching out to you in a way that he is capable of doing right now. Even though he's the parent and you're the child, the fact remains that your both adults now and both should be acting like it.

I guess problems with Dad are issues for a lot of us TechyDad

Jane,

Growing up with divorced parents and my father at a distance I understand how you feel. My father doesn't care about me what-so-ever and I have learned to deal with that through my life. I've gotten to the point where I try not to think about him anymore and I try to push him from my mind. For some reason the day I found out I was pregnant, he popped into my head. Do I really want to bring this child into the world without one of "his" grandparents? I cried so hard that I called my mother and had to talk with her about it. My mother wanted to know why I was letting it upset me, after all he had never been there for me. But the only other time I even thought of him was when my fiance proposed, just because I knew he wouldn't be the one to walk me down the aisle. Now after many conversations with my fiance and brother (mom made it to difficult) I have decided not to tell him that he will be a grandparent or even that I will be getting married. As far as I can see a "father" would have found out the DAY I found out. The fact that I even had to question it should have been the deciding point for me.

You have some sort of relationship, try to talk to him on Sunday and see what happens... Good luck!

Ohh how I am glad to see we are not alone! My husband and I are having this same problem with my father in law. There has been no fight, no miscommunication. Just NOTHING. He came to the hospital when my son was born 12 weeks ago, and has seen him three times since then...one of those by pure coincidence. My husband and I have struggled long and hard about this. My parents live out of state and have seen my baby more than my father in law has...he lives 20 minutes down the road.

One weekend when my mom was in town, my husband broke down. He was so angry with his dad...he had the same "no talk" childhood you did. So many emotions, not understanding, just hurt. My mom tried to explain to him about the generation. I guess men that age were taught to be strong, emotionless, the man. I can understand that to a point. I can sympathize.

No one can judge your relationship with your dad. It is ALL YOURS. We have decided to be the proactive ones in the relationship. We gave my father in law the link to our baby blog. He checks it alllllll the time. He dosen't call to say how cute he is, or comment on how he looks JUST LIKE HIS DAD. How do we know? Well, anytime my husband talks to his dad, somehow his dad knows alllll about our day to day happenings. This shows me that he is interested in his son and his grandson...he just has a hard time showing it. I will never fully understand it, but I can try.

I wish you the best with everything...just know you are not alone in your quest to understand the ways of your father!

Jane:
thanks for keeping everyone up-to-date. No matter what happens, know in your heart it isn't because you aren't worthy of love and honest interaction. People sometimes can't or won't live up to another person's wants and needs. It is unfortunate.

There are times in life when you have to pull back, when a relationship becomes toxic or poisionous to your own well-being or that of your loved ones (monkey and Tarzan)...even if it is only temporary. I hope for you it doesn't become necessary...it is a painful journey. Regardless, hope for the best, expect the worst, and accept that you have done your best to try to make things right!

WritewhereUr

Thanks for the update Jane. I do think that this is your way that your dad reaches out, but it is probably NOT going to end up with anything being resolved if this is how he has always been. He probably doesn't want to be cut out, but I don't want you to get more hurt when he doesn't acknowledge your feelings or want to talk about them at all.

It sounds like you are blaming yourself for this situation and IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! It is what it is and you can decide how you want to feel about this and move forward, but don't expect that your dad may change just through talking - expecially if that is not his way of dealing with problems.

I'm so sorry and I hope you feel better and we are sending you lots of hugs and love no matter what!

Thanks for all of your comments. :) It's nice to hear feedback from y'all & to hear that I'm not the only one with crazy parent issues.

Just an update: T & I decided (before seeing the comments here) not to go on Sunday. He responded back to my dad's email. Then I read the comments & thought about what some of y'all said. I talked to T about possibly going bc maybe this is how my dad deals with it. The problem I have is him not addressing anything I wrote, which if it's just part of his generation or the lack of showing his feelings, I still don't get. If someone pours their heart out to you, don't you owe them the decency to respond??

Then I looked at my blackberry. Wouldn't you know that there was a missed call from my dad. Oh shit was my initial thought. As I listened to his voicemail (it was about Sunday & how much food to order), I realized that he has truly decided that he is over what happened & that he is sweeping it under the carpet & trying to move forward.

Only problem is, I don't work like that. I need to talk about stuff & have some closure about what has transpired over the last 2 months. I cannot simply just forget about it. But I decided that maybe Sunday is him reaching out, so perhaps we should too. I called him back & was very to the point. I told him that T just sent him an email that we weren't going to go, but that now we would. My dad asked "Are you ok? You sound depressed."

I told him I was fine. But come the f*ck on, dad. So now I'm like "Oh, maybe just maybe my email wasn't delivered." Talk about a mindf*ck.

Then I realized, after hanging up, that my email said "If you want to have a relationship, I welcome it with open arms." I never said "If you want a relationship, reply to this email & I welcome it with open arms. So now I'm analyzing it all. I don't know what to do.

T. thinks that I need to talk to my dad on Sunday about it all, just so we can try to move forward. At least help it from being so damn awkward on my end.

By the way, sorry for such a long comment. Can you tell that "problems with father" is a big issue with me? ;-)

Like a pp said, a lot of men from a certain "era" were not raised to have "feelings" and certainly not to talk about them. Your email probably made him feel horrible, like a bad father and he probably doesn't know HOW to approach you. He doesn't have the ability to communicate the same way you did in your email. Silence is his way. I think his invitation for Sunday is his attempt at reaching out to you. I imagine he won't address your email, but instead will find a way to give you an awkward hug and say it's good to see you. Translation: I love you and miss you and God, I'm glad you're here. I'm sorry and I want to do better but I don't know how. I need your help to make me a better dad and grandpa.

Give him the benefit of the doubt. Go on Sunday. Don't "act" anyway, just be yourself.

I can sympathize with your issues with your father. My memories of my father are littered with him ignoring me (when I got straight A's and was jumping with joy he told me to be quiet because he was watching TV) to him blaming me for my problems (kids picked on me, he said, because I was 2 minutes late when he wanted to leave) to him even comparing me to a murderer for pushing my sister. Whenever I bring these things up, he shrugs them off and pretends that they either didn't happen or that they were isolated incidents. Well, there were certainly a lot of those isolated incidents!

Also, just like your father and Monkey, my parents haven't seen my kids that often. They'd always find some excuse. Most times it was their dog. My father just couldn't put her in a kennel so they could only visit for a day. And, since it's a three hour drive each way, those trips were hard to do. Their dog has since passed away and they made their first overnight stay by me ever during the summer - and then complained about how the expense of the hotel would likely prevent that from recurring too soon. (Our house is too small to accommodate them.)

I've come to the conclusion that my father will never change. He's too wrapped up in everything he says being right to admit that he could possibly be wrong about anything. So I can either rant and rave at him, in effect slamming myself against a brick wall to get the wall to move, or I can accept him for who he is and work around him as best I can. I've found that most times with him I just bite my tongue, roll my eyes (when he can't see me) and pick my battles with him. Things go a lot smoother that way.

I wish you luck with your dad and definitely think you're doing the right thing by consciously not repeating with Monkey what your dad did with you. I've made the same effort with NHL and JSL (and TheAngelForever also with how my father treats my mother).

*HUGS*!!!!

I'm very sorry that you are having these problems and like it was said above - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

My impressions/opinion: Some people (particularly within a certain sex and generation group) just don't know how to express feelings, concerns, emotions, etc. It's not healthy, but at this stage in life, there really isn't much you can do to change that. His response, to me anyways, can be perceived by him in 2 ways: 1. you have 'cracked' first and came to talk with him and therefore he 'won' and everything is fine or 2. He can't express in written or spoken word any response and so his inviting you over is meant to express that he would like to work things out.

It's hard to give advice in this case because there are so many things that are between yourself and your dad and yourbackground. But, I wouldn't expect for him to CHANGE, but you can start to adjust your mind around what you want, what you will get and how that will affect monkee...

Sending lots of love and hugs your way---- I hope things work out ok for you, whatever way you decide to handle this!

Oh sweetie, my heart hurts for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope he comes around. But if he doesn't, you need to not stress. You need to close that door of your life & focus on making a happy & love filled life for Monkey. Make those happy memories for Monkey.

I think you laid it out there. I also think men your father's age were not raised to show tons of emotion. My husband talked to his dad not long ago and said " I love you" and his dad said "thank you"
Thank you?
Ok.....
and his grandparents are kind of the same. It's a miracole that we are able to process and give love and emotion being raised that way, isen't it?
I just don't get it.
So, it's very understandable but still NOT understandable.
You said what you needed to. Go on Sunday. But don't act like it's ok- ask him if he got your email and READ it. Tell him you know he may be uncomfortable but- it has to be let out.
And HUGS.
Pack up the minute you feel like you will not make progress. Do not waste your day with disappointment.

*HUGE HUGS*

As someone who comes from a broken and dysfunctional family, my heart goes out to you and I want to make this very clear:

Your fathers words and actions (or lack, thereof) are NOT YOUR FAULT. He is the parent and you are child, there should be NOTHING that you could do (or not do) to change the way he feels about you as his daughter.

Sometimes, it's a really hard thing when we have to come to the realization that our parents aren't perfect. They are fallible, they are human and they are imperfect.. Your father sounds like he has issues and whatever those issues might be, they are his to battle with. I hate that his issues are bleeding into your life and hurting you. But please know that there is nothing wrong with YOU.. The problem lies with him.

I have a terrible relationship with my mother. We don't speak but maybe once a month, and that's only because I feel it's right to keep her updated on baby stuff. My mother is like poison; she has a toxic personality and I have to keep myself at a distance to protect my heart and my sanity. I know what it's like to long for a particular sort of bond and relationship with a parent that you feel will never come.

I don't know what the point of all my rambling is; I just wanted to say that you're not alone and whatever problem your dad has.... It's not you. *hugs*