Last November 17th, I could be found in my bathroom bawling my eyes out. I remember it all perfectly: I had a feeling that I was pregnant, but I was making deals with God to let it not be true. My husband was out, at Barnes & Noble I think, and I decided that it was time to face my fears.
I went into my bathroom with a pregnancy test. I was nervous as hell & prayed that the infamous plus sign would not show up. As soon as I was finished peeing on the stick I saw the plus sign.
I was pregnant.
Oh holy hell, this could not be happening to me, I remember thinking.
I really thought that little plus sign was the end of my life as I knew it. It did not stir up any excitement for me. I was not ready to be a mom. I didn’t know how to be a mom. I didn’t know how my life would change & I was not convinced that I was ready to find out just how different things would be.
To say that I was scared was an understatement. A big understatement.
Fast-forward to this morning. My period was two days late.
What’s two days, right?
Well I didn’t have “that” feeling that I was pregnant like I did before, but I still thought it was odd that I was two days late. I’m on the pill & it’s pretty much like clockwork: Stop taking the last pill Saturday night & Monday I’m greeted by Aunt Flow. Easy.
Naturally my mind started to wonder about what if I was pregnant. That would mean that I would have two kids under 13 months old. Could I handle it? Would I feel like I was, in a very slight way, being selfish to Monkey since I would have pregnancy fatigue & morning sickness?
Well I didn’t have to keep pondering about the what if’s of pregnancy because my period & cramps showed up about an hour later. I was more happy than not, but I’ll admit it… the mere thought of being blessed with another child did put a smile on my face.
See, I’m totally not the same person that I was when I was pregnant with Monkey. I guess having a baby does that to you. I am forever changed after meeting the life that I helped to create. I will never be the same.
Once I feared talking about strollers & diapers & now I don’t mind talking baby. In fact, I like it. Like it’s part of me & I’m totally okay with that. I enjoy it.
I feel like I now have a purpose in life. I am a mother & I’ve never been so happy in all of my life. I’ve never known the depth of my heart until having my son. Nothing else is as important to me. Nothing in the world.
He makes my world a much brighter place. His smile melts me & his baby smell is one that I never tire of. In fact, I take it all in throughout the day – just holding him & smelling him while he is close to me.
Prior to Monkey I thrived on the fact that I didn’t have a routine; every single day was different, including the time that I would wake up in the morning. I was so far from having a schedule back then & it fit the person I was.
Now, I have a routine, very predictable, & I love it. I love waiting up in the morning to sing songs to my little boy. I love bathing him & bonding during that time. I love feeding him his last bottle & then putting him to bed so that I can have my time. I just love all of the parts of the day. I love, love, love playing with him too.
When I first had Monkey & was dealing with postpartum depression, I couldn’t wait to get away from him.
Now I’m the complete opposite. My mom asked me the other day when she could keep him for a night or a weekend & I told her “not for a while”. I’m not ready. I know that I will miss him too much & I don’t want to be away from him for a night yet. I have no idea when that will change… maybe when he goes through the “terrible two’s”. LOL.
When I ran errands, I didn’t want to bring him.
Now I hang out at the house until he wakes up from his nap so that he can go run errands with me. I don’t look at it as a hassle anymore either. If I’m running errands close to the house, I don’t even bring a diaper bag. I put a few necessities in the car & that’s it. Sure, it takes a few minutes longer to get Monkey out of the car seat to go into a store, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. He’s my little buddy & I just love spending time with him.
I never knew the amount of love that a little baby could bring into my world & I’m so very thankful for my son every single day of my life. He makes me whole & makes me a better person. I smile all of the time. I talk to him all of the time. I do the craziest & silliest things in public just to get him to smile. I don’t care how stupid I look – I just care about my son smiling at me.
He is my world & my heart belongs to him.
You might also want to read:
- Am I pregnant? Where’s my period? That’s the million dollar question.
- A mother’s note to her two month old son
- If only I could go back in time, how I wish those moments after labor & delivery with Monkey were different
- Postpartum depression therapy appointment: Success!
- When does the umbilical cord fall off? Well, baby Monkey gave us the answer to our question this AM!
Jane,
It's strange how your feelings are so close to many of the new mommies here...Including myself. It's like we're all a part of a secret club :) I left Nat with my hubby for a couple of hours for the very first time last week for some much needed girlfriend time, boy was I happy to see her when I got back. I don't feel comfortable leaving her with anyone else except my husband right now. Can't imagine how I will handle daycare when she turns one and I have to go back to work!
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