Last November 17th, I could be found in my bathroom bawling my eyes out. I remember it all perfectly: I had a feeling that I was pregnant, but I was making deals with God to let it not be true. My husband was out, at Barnes & Noble I think, and I decided that it was time to face my fears.
I went into my bathroom with a pregnancy test. I was nervous as hell & prayed that the infamous plus sign would not show up. As soon as I was finished peeing on the stick I saw the plus sign.
I was pregnant.
Oh holy hell, this could not be happening to me, I remember thinking.
I really thought that little plus sign was the end of my life as I knew it. It did not stir up any excitement for me. I was not ready to be a mom. I didn’t know how to be a mom. I didn’t know how my life would change & I was not convinced that I was ready to find out just how different things would be.
To say that I was scared was an understatement. A big understatement.
Fast-forward to this morning. My period was two days late.
What’s two days, right?
Well I didn’t have “that” feeling that I was pregnant like I did before, but I still thought it was odd that I was two days late. I’m on the pill & it’s pretty much like clockwork: Stop taking the last pill Saturday night & Monday I’m greeted by Aunt Flow. Easy.
Naturally my mind started to wonder about what if I was pregnant. That would mean that I would have two kids under 13 months old. Could I handle it? Would I feel like I was, in a very slight way, being selfish to Monkey since I would have pregnancy fatigue & morning sickness?
Well I didn’t have to keep pondering about the what if’s of pregnancy because my period & cramps showed up about an hour later. I was more happy than not, but I’ll admit it… the mere thought of being blessed with another child did put a smile on my face.
See, I’m totally not the same person that I was when I was pregnant with Monkey. I guess having a baby does that to you. I am forever changed after meeting the life that I helped to create. I will never be the same.
Once I feared talking about strollers & diapers & now I don’t mind talking baby. In fact, I like it. Like it’s part of me & I’m totally okay with that. I enjoy it.
I feel like I now have a purpose in life. I am a mother & I’ve never been so happy in all of my life. I’ve never known the depth of my heart until having my son. Nothing else is as important to me. Nothing in the world.
He makes my world a much brighter place. His smile melts me & his baby smell is one that I never tire of. In fact, I take it all in throughout the day – just holding him & smelling him while he is close to me.
Prior to Monkey I thrived on the fact that I didn’t have a routine; every single day was different, including the time that I would wake up in the morning. I was so far from having a schedule back then & it fit the person I was.
Now, I have a routine, very predictable, & I love it. I love waiting up in the morning to sing songs to my little boy. I love bathing him & bonding during that time. I love feeding him his last bottle & then putting him to bed so that I can have my time. I just love all of the parts of the day. I love, love, love playing with him too.
When I first had Monkey & was dealing with postpartum depression, I couldn’t wait to get away from him.
Now I’m the complete opposite. My mom asked me the other day when she could keep him for a night or a weekend & I told her “not for a while”. I’m not ready. I know that I will miss him too much & I don’t want to be away from him for a night yet. I have no idea when that will change… maybe when he goes through the “terrible two’s”. LOL.
When I ran errands, I didn’t want to bring him.
Now I hang out at the house until he wakes up from his nap so that he can go run errands with me. I don’t look at it as a hassle anymore either. If I’m running errands close to the house, I don’t even bring a diaper bag. I put a few necessities in the car & that’s it. Sure, it takes a few minutes longer to get Monkey out of the car seat to go into a store, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. He’s my little buddy & I just love spending time with him.
I never knew the amount of love that a little baby could bring into my world & I’m so very thankful for my son every single day of my life. He makes me whole & makes me a better person. I smile all of the time. I talk to him all of the time. I do the craziest & silliest things in public just to get him to smile. I don’t care how stupid I look – I just care about my son smiling at me.
He is my world & my heart belongs to him.
You might also want to read:
- A mother’s note to her two month old son
- If only I could go back in time, how I wish those moments after labor & delivery with Monkey were different
- Postpartum depression therapy appointment: Success!
- When does the umbilical cord fall off? Well, baby Monkey gave us the answer to our question this AM!
- 10 ways our baby has told me how much he loves me and how to tell if your baby loves you!
= a post from Mommy Jane 
= a post from Daddy Tarzan
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Jane, I feel like I could have written this post myself! Okay, except for the part about being happy about the prospect of another baby… my pregnancy was such a horrible experience that I’m not even remotely ready yet. But that aside, I’m so with you girl! Our little dudes are the best friends ever, aren’t they?
I told my hubbs the other day that in a cuteness contest between him and my son, son wins hands down every time. It’s funny, because I never thought I’d love anyone more than I love my husband, but now with my boy, that’s the way it is!
How sweet!
I was the exact same way with Adia. I never wanted to leave her for a minute. It wasn’t until 8 months when I had to leave her overnight (I had surgery). It was rough. I remember crying in the hospital room because I was so scared something would happen and I’d never see her again. I still love her to pieces and miss her like crazy when she’s not around, even though she drives me bonkers. The terrible twos are horrendous.. and having baby twins doesn’t help.
I’m different with the twins. I love them, but Mama needs a break sometimes. They just wear me out completely.
and nothing changes as they get older…you still wanna just see them happy.
So awesome. I am currently struggling to conceive, and it’s easy to look at stories like yours and think, “Why is SHE pregnant and I’m not?”. But the reality is that WANTING a baby is not necessarily the reason you get one. And in your case, it turned you into who you were meant to be. That is so wonderful!
NMN, it’s good to see a positive comment from you!!
)
Jane, SO happy to see these wonderful words!! I feel the same way you do about my guy, though I’m still having a little trouble with PPD. Nothing serious though. And I had a very difficult pregnancy with a traumatic labor, so i’m def not ready for another munchkin. I hope one day a few years from now I would be though!
Big hugs to you and your monkey!
This is so sweet! I love it – and feel the exact same way about my little girl:) It is hard to imagine what life was like before she came along. Often my husband and I will ask eachother, ‘what did we used to do before Nelia was here?’ Funny how that works!
On another note, I am enjoying your blog! I found it on Top Baby Blogs:)
I guess AF showing up late showed you how you really felt about things…I think sometimes she mocks you…I know she laughs in my face regularly now that I am TTC. But that was a really sweet post. It’s amazing where a year takes us huh?
WHOOOHOOO! I am finally caught up on this blog. I started from the beginning and here I am. What a GREAT blog you have here. I am 23 weeks pregnant and I absolutely can’t wait to experience this. I have learned SO much from you guys! I do have a admit some posts are kinda scary and they do make me nervous ( the PPD posts) but that is REALITY and I have to accept I may be one to go through that (knock on wood) and if I do I can learn from your experience. So to sum it up, thanks Jane and Tarzan ALOT for being so real with us! <3
Careful – this kind of thinking is how we ended up with 6 and my husband has now said maybe he doesn’t want to get snipped – if we have another that would be ok too!
The oldest one has just graduated from basic training & is a full fledged army soldier which opens up a seat in the Suburban, so I guess it would be ok with me too, but I’m not quite ready to TRY to make it happen, just not willing to do anything permanent to stop it either. I never thought I would want kids before I had my first, now I am comfortable with being known as ____’s mom everywhere I go. I haven’t lost myself, just become a better version of who I used to be!
I agree with absolutely everything you said – minus the part about being a little sad to find out you weren’t preggo with another. LOL. I have nightmares where I’m pregnant again and I wake up in a cold sweat!!
Oddly enough, I was just in the shower before reading this..pondering Thanksgiving last year. That was when I started to wonder if I was pregnant, although I wouldn’t find out for sure until a week later. It was a scary time…I had a lot of mixed emotions too! I just can’t believe it’s been a whole year, and all that’s happened in that year. Having a child is the hardest and most wonderful thing I’ve ever done.
That’s very sweet.
But I can’t help but comment on your mom wanting to keep him overnight already. That’s crazy to me. Especially with all that’s been going on with your dad.
Jane I am totally ready for baby number two I know I sounds crazy considering my first pregnancy was not with out its drama’s.. I think it is because my Partner is 12 years older then me i am 28 he is 40 and I know he doesnt want to wait too much longer as he is already freaking that he will 60 when our little girl is 20 I keep reminding him that Rod Stewart is still popping them out so he should be fine. We have decided we will only have 2 children so I would Liek them to be close together in age
You will know when the time is right for you to expand your family, it sucks thou that AF was playing mind games on you..
Wishing you all the best with little monkey I know I am totally in love with my little girl more then i ever thought was humanly possible and as far as someone looking after my little one over night all i can say is over my dead body at this stage she has only been away from me one day when my sister lost her baby at 6 months pregnant and i attended the funeral for her little boy and i was dying to get back to her the end of the day. Over night would be too much o handle at this stage. My partner will look after her a few hours next week while I go to my works christmas party and I am already worried about how he is going to cope Has Tarzan looked after Monkey for any length of time while you have had to go out and attend something ??
Just stumbled accross your blog and have to tell you that this post is the loveliest thing I’ve read in ages. I have three kids and know that at times it can be hard but there’s so much joy in being a mom, it’s the best job ever. Thanks for reminding me!
So beautifully put =)
Funny: our babies were born the same week. And I found out I was pregnant on Nov. 18th lol.
Jane,
It’s strange how your feelings are so close to many of the new mommies here…Including myself. It’s like we’re all a part of a secret club
I left Nat with my hubby for a couple of hours for the very first time last week for some much needed girlfriend time, boy was I happy to see her when I got back. I don’t feel comfortable leaving her with anyone else except my husband right now. Can’t imagine how I will handle daycare when she turns one and I have to go back to work!