I just have to vent about my mom for a minute. Oh. My. Gosh. I feel like no matter how hard I try, we just don’t click. I feel like she judges me without even realizing what she’s doing, if that even makes sense.
Yesterday and this past Sunday we hung out and went shopping.
While we were at a store on Sunday, my mom was holding Monkey. She showed him something & in natural baby form, he went to put it in his mouth. I pulled it away before he could eat it & my mom said, “You just want him to live in a bubble, don’t you? He needs to be exposed to germs to build up his immune system.”
I told her that I’m just being smart about germs & there is no reason for him to stick something in a store in his mouth. I also told her that he was exposed to germs by just being in the store.
Then we were in line at a store and my mom was saying how we live so far from them (one hour). Now I get that she would like us to live closer, but is it really necessary to bring this up every single time I see her?
Well she was saying that she doesn’t see Monkey enough because we live so far. I told her that there was nothing wrong with her car and that she could come over any time to see him & hang out. She said that my grandmother saw me all of the time when I was little because my parents moved five minutes from my grandparents. Then my mom said something like Tarzan & I should do that to make my parents happy. I told her that we will live where we want to make us happy, no one else.
Of course she didn’t like this answer. Then the lady in front of us turned around (she had clearly been listening to our conversation) and said, “I would give anything to live 1 hour from my grandchildren. I’m 8 hours away.” Hopefully that made my mom realize that one hour isn’t awful at all.
Then I realized that I should change Monkey’s diaper. I decided that I would change him in the car because it would be easier. While I was changing him my mom said, “I hope you don’t do this a lot. It’s so dangerous.” Ugh. That was the first time that I had changed his diaper in the car & I just feel like she says a lot of unnecessary things. It’s to the point where that particular comment might not be anything bad, but I just get annoyed at anything.
Yesterday we went out to lunch with some other people. My mom told all six other people, “I’m the only grandmother in the world who has no pictures of her grandson framed in her house.” I’m not one to make a huge scene in front of other people, especially when I don’t know them very well, but good God, why mom why?!
While we were eating my mom was holding Monkey. She looked at me & then said, “Oh, I wish I could give you some (diet coke). I would love to, but I can’t.” (Really mom, really? Diet Coke? To an almost 5-month old? Really?) She says this every.single.time we are together too. It gets old. Very, very old.
When lunch was over & we got into the car, not 10 minutes had gone by when she brought up the framed picture thing again. I told her that I send her pictures of Monkey & she knows how to print them from her home printer or shutterfly.com or Walgreens.
She knows this.
I told her that it wasn’t my responsibility to print & frame pictures for her for her house. & that I really didn’t like it when she brought it up at lunch because she said it in a way that made me feel guilty, when I should not feel guilty.
Then she decides to bring up my childhood… ”Jane, I don’t know why you say that you had a bad childhood.”
Me: “Mom, I’ve never said that I had a bad childhood.”
Mom: “You said that your friends didn’t want to come to our house in high school because it was like a war-zone.”
Me: “Mom, that’s true.”
Mom: “No, it’s not.”
Me: “Yes, it is. There was so much tension when you & dad weren’t speaking to each other & it was miserable to be around you guys.”
Mom: “Well, yes, but you didn’t have a bad childhood.”
Me: “I never said that I had a bad childhood.”
It’s a challenge for me to get through time with my mom & I feel so bad saying that. You know, both of these times that we hung out was because I initiated it. My mom is the one complaining that we live so far, but she knows that I stay at home with Monkey. She knows that I need to get out of the house everyday, so why doesn’t she call me? Maybe she just likes to complain? I’m not sure.
I really do feel like the worst daughter in the world because I feel like I can’t hang out with my mom in large doses. She just gets to me. & it’s anything but fun to listen to all I’m doing wrong.
Oh & don’t even get me started on the baby-wearing thing either. “What if the carrier comes undone & he falls out?” ”Are you going to wear him? Why don’t you just bring the stroller?” ”I don’t know why you seem to get in over your head by wearing him.” ”I don’t understand why you are making your life harder?”
Blah, blah, blah.
It’s just not enjoyable, no matter how much I try. I can only bite my tongue so much, you know? Truly & honestly I do not feel like I’m overreacting in my thoughts & neither does Tarzan. Are all grandparents like this with their children or is my mom one in a million?
You might also want to read:
- Monkey’s first outing: A trip to his grandparent’s and a Mexican restaurant
- Furniture shopping on Christmas Eve: A tale of two monkeys
- Sweet words from a loving uncle while eating lunch
- Grandfather missing out on Monkey’s cooing & laughter = A sad mom
- At roughly this exact time last year, we made a little Monkey.
= a post from Mommy Jane 
= a post from Daddy Tarzan
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
I have to say that you are not alone. Some mothers just like to complain. I have learned to set boundaries. If my parents don’t like, it I don’t feel guilty. It was hard for me to get to this point, but I eventually got tired of the remarks and decided if I don’t set boundaries I am going to explode and that won’t be good. I would just tell her, while I appreciate that you believe you are trying to help, I would rather not hear your opinion on this matter. If you bring it up again, Monkey and I will go home and we can try again next week. Say it with love and respect, but make your boundaries. You and Tarzan are right, it is YOUR life!
I never post, but this entry made me so annoyed that I have to put in my 2 cents. Why doesn’t your mom see that if she’s the one unhappy with where she lives or the fact that she doesn’t have pictures of her grandchild, she’s the one who should do something about it!!! Everyone is responsible for their own happiness and it’s not fair for her to expect you to uproot your life for her convenience. If she can’t even be bothered to visit and call regularly, how can she expect you to move your family??? And what should you have done about his diaper? Does she think you should leave him in a soiled diaper all day rather than change him in the car? I can’t even comment on the diet coke conversation–I’m shocked when I see 2 year olds drinking soda let alone an infant. You’re doing the right thing…it’s your job to focus on your family’s needs (meaning you, Tarzan & Monkey) and your mother should be there to support you.
Thanks for this. (Also, I was looking back at posts and REALLY appreciate the old post about in-laws planning to come for 2 weeks after the birth.) It is SO difficult to deal with family sometimes. Even the most assertive of us have a hard time expressing reasonable things to family, in an effort not to hurt feelings. Sounds like you are doing a great job expressing yourself to your mom. You may not be able to change her comments or feelings, but you can control how it affects you (or not) by “keeping it real” with her. Way to go!
yeah…our moms could be friends.
hahahahahaha My mother is the SAME WAY. My poor brother has four kids and she still does it! I can’t even be pregnant around her b/c I’m “doing it wrong”…. I eat well, she never did, I quit smoking, she didn’t, I don’t drink, she did….. but I’m the one that’s wrong.
Sadly I think that a lot of moms don’t get how their negativity really gets to us. One thing that helped us is sending her a letter from my son telling her how much her comments hurt his mommy. (and not that I said this but sometimes you have to fight passive-aggressive behavior with more passive-aggressive behavior). Good luck – you’re NOT alone.
I just tweeted you a HUGE thank you for this post. I don’t have a child, but my mom knit picks at everything I say, do, think, etc. My mom is just miserable/sad/lonely and I am thinking she wants me to feel the same way, too and I don’t want to. I am happy and I am in a happy marriage and have a good job. My mom just likes to complain I think, and it gets so old. I always feel guilty or like being happy is wrong, and I am just SO happy to know I am not alone.
You probably just saved me from seeing a therapist. I should mail you a check. LOL!
I feel very much the same about my mother sometimes. And I only live four houses away.
The big one for me (hope you don’t mind a little venting here) is that my mother constantly compares my daughter to my siblings and I. My daughter is, according to every milestone chart out there, developing her skill sets either on time or ahead of time. But my mother is always going on and on about how we all learned faster and how she’s worried about why my daughter isn’t developing certain skills NOW or two weeks ago or whatever.
Example: sitting up. My baby is just now, at almost five months, sitting unassisted. Completely unassisted. Sitting up. She’s ahead of schedule, right? I’m so proud of her because she’s been working so hard on it. But instead of being excited, my mom goes on and on about how her kids sat up at two months.
Two months. BULLSHIT.
I know what it’s like to not like your mother, and to feel extreme guilt about that.. But let’s face it, not everyone has a Hallmark relationship with their mom.. Myself included.
I think your mother is being overly nitpicky and critical, and I’d be irritated if I were you, too. With my mom it’s not being nitpicky or critical, she says and does inappropriate things and embarrasses me in the process. It’s like she’s the kid, and I’m the mature adult and that freaking sucks.
I’m really sorry that you’ve got a mom that you can’t enjoy being around.. I know it’s tough. Just know that your feelings are completely and totally justified; I’d be pissed too if I were you. *hugs*
I’d have to agree that it’s not you, Jane! I’ve been lucky to see how my mom is as a grandmother with my niece, and she’s totally the opposite. She does bug my sister from time to time because she doesn’t think my sister keeps the baby warm enough or gives her the right/small enough food, but she’s got framed pictures of my niece everywhere in the house (which she printed and framed herself), she lives less than five minutes from my sister and see my niece regularly, but without trying to bug my sister and her husband, and while she may mention to me what milestones my sisters and I hit when, she NEVER says any of that to my sister. I agree with what Carrie said about setting boundaries – it’s so tough because it is your mom, but it sounds like you might let it simmer until you’re ready to really have it out with her which might not end well. I think it’s great you’re trying to speak up for yourself with her and she may not change, so I wish you the best of luck!
I don’t know if my mother is terribly annoying or if it’s just that I’m too sensitive. All I know is these three things:
1. My first baby is due to be born in just a few months.
2. My mother moved to Europe just a few months ago.
3. I think #1 and #2 have been perfectly synchronized for everyone’s sanity.
Of course I want my mom to know and love her grandbaby, but seriously, that’s why God invented Skype video conferencing.
I’m so sorry. She sounds a lot like my MIL. Even my husband doesn’t really want to spend time with her anymore. They are coming to visit soon and my 4 year old said she’d rather go to daycare than be home while they are visiting.
It sounds like you’re not overreacting or being unreasonable. My MIL also expects that we will do things exactly how she did them with her son. That’s not going to happen. She keeps asking when we will let our kids have a vacation alone with them because she used to leave her son with his grandparents for a month or more at a time, even as an infant. Not going to happen. We just try to be polite, bite our tongues and remain grateful that we live far enough apart to not have to deal with them too often – it requires airplane tickets to see each other or a 2 day car trip.
Sounds like my MIL as well. Our son is my FOURTH child, but the first with her son. I used to hear it all of the time because we live 45 MINUTES away (to keep my big kids in the same schools that they’ve been in all of their lives) and she “never” saw her son, but now every time we’re together I don’t change him enough, I need to heat his bottles (we feed at room temp.), I need to let him cry instead of running to him every time he “peeps”, I either dress him too warmly or not warmly enough, and “babies need to be exposed to germs”, and we’re too paranoid with the whole hand-washing/hand sanitizer thing, blah blah blah. I get so sick of it that I DREAD going there sometimes. Then I’m a witch all the way there all the way there and all the way home and DH and I end up arguing about it! She even goes so far as to ask him if the way we do certain things is really what HE wants, or am I just filling his head with my rubbish! OMG! I cannot even believe that my four big kids made it through infancy with me as their mother! Now she is babysitting our son while we’re working and refuses to do anything the way we ask, even using tap water for bottles instead of the nursery water that we provide. She bought different bottles, too, just for use at her house. I am really about over this and he is only 3 months old!
My mom is very similar in many ways. She often says inappropriate things about me in front of others. But I will say, your mom is LUCKY she lives so close to you. Both my sister and me (my mom’s only 2 children) live across the country from her and my dad. Sis had her baby 1 wk before I had mine, both 1st grandchildren for Mom and Dad. They’re so excited, but they’re just sick about not getting to see the babies often. We’re going there for Xmas, but it’s only about 5 days. They just beg and beg for us to stay longer, but we simply can’t, for several reasons.
Anyway, you’re not alone. My mom drives me absolutely batty. I can only take her in small doses. It seems our relationship is better over the phone than in person. I just try to think about how sad I’ll be when she’s not around one day. That usually helps me have a little more patience.
But you do need to put your foot down with your mom and call her on her crap when she says/does things that aren’t necessary. Just nip it in the bud or it’ll continue. If it gets really bad, just don’t see her that often.
Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry you have to go thru this. I remember when I lived an hour away from my parents. I caught a little grief, but not too bad. Now I’m 14 hours from them.
And with all the sickies going around, ITA w/you on the fact that Monkey’s being exposed to plenty just by being out in public. OMG, giving Coke to a 5 month old??? Holy crap, the gas & pain he’d have! IMO your mom needs to get a grip on reality & chill the hell out. Me w/my big mouth, I’d have to go off. Sending great big ol hugs to ya hunny.
My father does similar things with me. He lives about 3-4 hours away from us and complains that we don’t visit him enough. Well, it’s tough to pack up enough for 2 kids and travel that distance only to stay in a home that my wife has an allergic reaction too! Of course, my sister is the “good child” who visits often. She just hops on a ferry and is over there quickly. (I was the “good child” when she moved away until I moved farther away!
)
Then again, it’s probably a good thing that we live so far apart. My father is the controlling type. There’s his way and the wrong way. When we lived in the same house, we were constantly at each others’ throats. At least when he starts up with “maybe you should move back here”, I can easily ignore him. (Yeah, I’m going to quit my job, try to sell my house and uproot my family just to be closer to them! It’s been 9 years since I moved here, get over it already!!!)
wow! I feel like I will certainly have conversations like that with my mom when we have kids! My mom is one of my best friensd so it’s not a relationship thing..but I already can see how she will speak way too freely. The whole bubble thing?? Totally! She already said that I made my dog a Diva and coddle her too much..and that’s just my dog. I live 2 1/2 hours from my parents and 5 mins from my in laws..so from my mom I get…I’m jealous that they will get to see them more…I’m like what do you want me to do?? Stop making me feel bad! And this is all BEFORE kids! I definitely see some battles in my future. Good luck! I have a feeling it just gets worse!
As a mom yourself i think you should adjust a little with your mom… theres no wrong in giving ur mom a framed picture of monkey as a gift next time you see it…. thats what families are for… to adjust and to forgive and forget…. stop being a jury for your moms actions… when an emergency arises its your parents who are goin to come to your help not the fellow commenters of this blog…jus my 2 cents… me and mom dont agree on 95% but still isnt it the bond between the mom and daughter same as that the bond u experience now between you and monkey… jus think of the millions of orphans in this world and how fortunate are you to have parents stilll…..
Yep Jane you are not alone.
My mum lives a 16 hour drive away and this is a good thing. As much as I love her she is the most selfish person I know. She arrived at my house 3 days after we got home from the hospital to stay for 4 days with us. (she was already peeved that she was not there for the birth ) It was the longest 4 days of my life.
She inisted on giving little on a dummy even thou we did not want to use one.
Then she kept saying that little one had thrush in her mouth my little one did not but she would not let up on it.
Then she proceeded to bounce my 5 day old baby on her lap not supporting her head I nearly died thank god my partner did not see it he would of murdered her.
Then she was insisting that I give the baby some water because i was having some breastfeeding issues.
We went shopping one day and she got angry with me for not walking fast enought umm hello I gave birth 5 days ago and have stitches you know where I wonder why I am not walking that fast.
To top it off I had to buy some nursing bra’s and due to my size I had to buy them online as store brought bras would not fit, so my mum decides she wants new bra’s too and hijacks my computer and spends the next to days on the computer buying new bra’s and underware for her self ($300 later after claiming yet again she has not money and not even afford to help pay for pizza) she complained about the cost of the Pizza’s we ordered even thou we were paying for her and not once did she offer to cook or make her self a cup of coffee we had to do all that for her.
Then I walked in to the lounge and she was on the phone to her husband (not my father) complaining that she hadnt got enough sleep because the bed was not comfortable enough.
It was such a relief when she finally went home we get along so much better when we are miles and miles apart.
So Jane in my opinion you have every right vent and given me a place to vent about my own mother…
So does every woman have issues with her mother? I can’t handle mine for more than two hours at a time. I will spare you the details, but do know that she is a nut. I don’t have kids yet, and she is a huge reason behind that. I’m more worried about my future daughter hating me than I am worried about my relationship with my mother getting worse when I have kids. I’ve long come to terms with the fact that my mother is unstable, controlling and a martyr and that we can’t have a meaningful relationship beyond talking about the weather and her dogs’ antics. We now live 2500 miles apart. But I am deeply worried that there is something inherently wrong with relationships between mothers and daughters and I don’t want to have a child that will grow up to hate me. This is in addition to my regular fears of being an inadequate mother because I didn’t have a good example to learn from. Are there very many women out there who have great nondysfunctional relationships with their mothers? How can we break this cycle with our own daughters?
Jane, I think you’re well within your rights to be irritated with your mother. It sounds like she has some issues that she needs to work out. You should definitely not feel guilty. You can only do so much, and after that you need to do what’s best for you, Tarzan, and Monkey.
For Barbra, I want to reassure you that not all daughters and mothers have dysfunctional relationships. My mom and I are very close, and have gotten closer since I’ve been pregnant (due next month). We don’t always see things the same way, but we can agree to disagree without causing hurt feelings. Take heart, things don’t have to be the same way for any kids you have that they were for you.
Do be honest, to me it seems that you’re unfair with your mother… or you just don’t really like her. It looks like EVERYTHING that she says bothers you.
This kind of act looks to me of a teenager who is raging over the controlling parents or smth. Who do you think you are that you can tell to your mother these things: “…I told her that it wasn’t my responsibility to print & frame pictures for her for her house…” or “I told her that we will live where we want to make us happy, no one else…”. What are you? 13?
Imagine that your mother dies and what you would feel like. What you would feel about all the rude things you told to your mother? If she teaches you something about living or raising a child – believe it is for your benefit, she loves you and wishes you all the best in the world. You don’t always have to do what she says (or you never have to do it), but she means well – I’m sure you actually know that.
As I see that all the other commenters share this opinion – this goes to you too. Grow up!
About your mum making uninvited comments, same for my mum too. She always makes uninvited (and even selfish!) comments even when I was still at the dating stage with my hubby. Luckily I stepped out of her life some time before I got married.
After having baby, I do have some issues with my parents-in-law regarding brining up my baby. What to do, hubby and I are still living in his parents’ house. We have had disagreements before about what to do or not to do when the baby misbehaves, about using pacifier (MIL likes to stuff the pacifier into my baby’s mouth whenever he frets or cries but I prefer to train my baby not to be dependent on the pacifier), even involved isssues on what brand of milk powder to give to him! ALong the way, we have had bitter quarrels before about the baby although we still remain staying in the same house. MIL has even ‘chased us out’ before during the peak of the quarrel but little does she know that we remained staying in their house is for the best interest of my baby (we already bought and furnished our own house) because my baby refused drinking milk in own house, but is willing to drink milk when at babysitter’s house. And babysitter’s house is just a few houses away from parents-in-law’s house. And some more, our own house is faraway from babysitter’s house, thus it’s more convenient to remain staying in parents-in-laws’ house first so that I can send the baby to babysitter’s house to drink milk during those off-days of the babysitter. Hubby and I will have to wait till my boy is sufficiently big to understand about drinking milk by himself without us forcing him.
The bottom line is we as parents have our own style of bringing up the baby which may differ from parents or parents-in-laws’ style. And parents or PIL always seems to feel themselves as know-it-all in bringing up babies just becos they brought us or our hubbies up to adulthood, but that doesn’t mean they know everytrhing about our babies or know what’s workable or not workable with our babies. I feel we mothers know more about our own babies than grandparents do. However, for peace and harmony, sometimes no matter how much we disagree with the way they bring up the baby, sometimes if possible, just let go or swallow what they say/comment/remark. but I do admit, sometimes we reach the eruption stage, that’s when quarrels happen!
Its not right for her to be like that and I can totally understand why you get annoyed, sounds like she’d test the patience of a saint.
I am very lucky with my mum, she lives around the corner and has been very supportive. However my MIL is a different story. I live with my MIL on account my boyfriend took out a mortgage on the house (previously rented from local authority) and paid for an extension for her downstairs as she is disabled. All this was before he met me. Now I live in the upstairs of the house with my boyfriend and baby because she has him trapped and duty bound to her for life.
She moans I dont take the baby down to see her enough and I overhear her on the phone bitching about me. She gives my little one finger foods I don’t want him to have if i leave him with her and she tries to take over all the things that I should be doing for my partner and son. It drives me insane. Told my boyfriend but he gets upset when I tell him I don’t want to live with his mother, but sooner or later he is gonna have to choose between me and our son or his mum..
You should tell your mom that she has had her turn at parenting when she raised you and that now its your turn and her interfering is making you not want to spend time with her.
Good luck, I hope things calm down with her and she sorts her issues out.
Take care x
Ha! The carrier thing rings very true to me. My parents came to visit over a month after my daughter was born (and I had to beg them to come). We went for a walk and I put our daughter in her ergobaby carrier. My mom complained for an hour that she travelled a long way to see the baby and she could even SEE her in the carrier – why couldn’t we use a stroller so my mother could SEE her? haha! I brushed it off. It’s amazing the things that used to bother me before and now that I have my daughter, my mom my doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I have other things to focus on now.
Oh man. I’m sorry!!! I just got to the point where I was sick of my parents nit-picking me about every little thing. Now I just tell them to chill out. My dad was going off on me about me drinking caffeine while being 6 months along. I said Dad, it’s fine. It’s approved by the doctor. I come back an hour later and he says “Isnt it bad for the baby? Doesn’t it drop his heart rate?” I got pissed and said well I drink one Pepsi a day and it helps with my headaches. I’d rather do that then having to take a Loritab when I get a migraine. And he shut up. Some times you just have to tell them to shut it too. I know it’s hard to tell your Mom to stop or shut up but it’s nessesaey sometimes. It’s really hard to bit your tongue all the time. I have to do that with the in laws and I can barely visit them. Anyway, MY POINT : ) Stand up for yourself and just tell your mom to stop bugging you about stupid little things. Say, Mom I love you but you are stressing me out! Please don’t nit pick me about everything I’m doing. I am a wonderful mother.
Ugh, I feel your pain. My mom isn’t condescending but she sometimes says inappropriate things (the diet coke thing could have come straight outta her mouth) without thinking about how others could perceive her comments. It maybe harsh but it’s come to the point where I can’t bite my tongue anymore, my sister is the same. If she says something ridiculous she will get an ass-a-nine answer or comment back. She is slowly getting the (enormous) hint.
Your mom needs to
1) get a camera and take her own damn pictures
2) move closer to you or quit complaining about the distance
3) stop talking so much. it seems like a lot of the problem is that she’s running off at the mouth (”diet coke blah blah blah diaper change blah germs blah etc”) and it’s probably from trying to fill dead air
Just my thoughts. Gosh, I *really* appreciate my own mom after reading this.
Kristen,
I think that every mum is different and if you have never had a great relationship with your mother it can be hard when they are critical of you and your monkey.
I know for me I feel like my mother has no right to comment on how I choose to raise my daughter because she was not there for me. She had an alcohol problem, put men before us lost custody of us to my father and always put her own needs before us kids. She was not there to see me get awards at school she was not there to speak to after school or at the dinner table she was not there for all the important things a girl needs her mother for and it was all out of her own selfishness. Instead i got the lucky prize of spending weekend visits with my drunk mother who had a differnt man there every weeks, i got to watch her get beat up by these men I got to see her drive with us kids in the car drunk, I got to see someone buy booze and smokes for her self instead of food. It makes it very hard for me to take advice from her now because when I really needed her she was not there. for crying out loud when i was 19 my mother took my brother and I to the club for christmas dinner she meet some guy and spent the whole night with him my brother left at about 10 pm by 2 pm I was drunk and ready to go home my mum did not want to leave so she let her 19 year old drunk daughter walk home on her own and went slept with the guy she met at the club and did not return home till 1 pm the next day. this is not the example i want to set for my daughter. I love her but there is a line in the sand that i will not let her cross… so yes maybe some of us are “acting like teenagers” as you out it but it might be for very good reason.
Well, I agree with you. I have always believed in moving away (at least a few hours away) from your parents and in laws. To me it’s just a part of growing up and forming your own family. My mom understands this because my dad’s job always kept us living apart from there parents, but my MIL definately doesn’t understand. Except my husband, all her kids and grandchildren live minutes from her house. It’s killing her not to be here all the time. I sympathize, but I know for my sanity and my hubby’s we could not live so close to either of our mothers(and 1 hour is nothing).
My mom drives me nuts sometimes too. My parents stayed in town for a month after the baby was born. Don’t get me wrong, it was wonderful having the help when I needed it most. My dad cooked for us and they watched the baby everyday so I could take a shower. I was very lucky for the help. That being said, at times I wanted to scream at my mom. For example, 5 days after I gave birth my mom told me to stop wearing maternity clothes and dress in something nice. Are you kidding? I couldn’t fit into anything in my closet. Like I didn’t feel bad enough at that point.
Of course all of our complaints are completely legit, but I bet in 20 or 30 years my little one will have some pretty strong complaints about me too. Oh well, that’s life.
PS What is dangerous about changing the baby in the car? It was parked right.
Ha ha! This happens to almost all of us to some degree. My mom is usually pretty good about letting me do my own thing with my kids but she always says things like “I wish I could give you chocolate but I don’t think your mom would approve” starting when my daughter was about 9 months. In fact, the other grandmother thinks our commitment to healthy eating is tantamount to child abuse!
My favorite is without fail, every time I put my son into my beco butterfly, Mom says “he doesn’t look comfortable in there”. Please, my son is not the stoic type, if he wasn’t happy he wouldn’t hesitate to let us know. Or perhaps I’m wrong to take the cooing and smiling to mean he’s happy.
Laugh it off Jane, and vent to the masses!
Sounds like my mother in law. Her comments bring my blood to a boil. Although, over the years, I have toned her out. The only ones who can change is us. No way they will ever take responsibility for their hurtful comments.
Wow,
These sound like a lot of harsh comments about mothers on a website that’s dedicated to motherhood and parenthood. No, I don’t have a perfect relationship with my mother, but I try to be patient with her and my MIL, because I know that they bore us and raised us in hardship and difficulty (physical, emotional, financial), and now as I am bearing my own child, I have a new level of respect for them. We just have to be patient, because remember, no matter how great a mom we think we are, one day Monkey will be grown up and something about you will get on his last nerve too.
I ran across this blog when I was searching for others who have the same problem. Reading your blog was like reading my own. I finally wrote a letter to my mom, explaining how I felt about her always being so negative to me about every little thing and getting in my business (literally, my husband and I have a coffee shop), telling me what I should and shouldn’t do, telling me how my house needs improvements, etc. She wrote me a letter back (we live a half hour away) that was on the defense of everything I had said. It’s like she didn’t have a clue, she missed the point entirely. Now I don’t know what to do. I’ve kept my mouth shut about everything she’s been over-opinionated about and my husband, sister and brother-in-law, and cousins feel the same way. My aunts and uncles are the same as my mom. If it’s not what they would do, it’s bad. And now that my grandpa died, they are taking over my grandma’s finances and everything. They threw away many things of my grandma’s because they were “helping her clean out her cluttery house.” Those were HER things–they had no right to touch them.
You’re not being childish about being annoyed at your mother. And I don’t think that you dislike your mom and it’s causing a problem–what your mom is doing is making you dislike her.
All we want is to be accepted the way we are and when the people who we love the most are always saying negative things and pointing out every little thing that we are doing “wrong” in their opinion, it makes us feel unaccepted and rejected.
LOL @ MMC!! Rockin’!
Your mom is one in two, with my mom being number 2. She makes me NUTS! Not to mention my MIL does the whole “we never get to see him” thing when she LIVES IN THE SAME TOWN!! I’ve told her she can stop by ANYTIME, but because we have cats, and she “claims” she’s allergic, she won’t. She told us to get rid of our cats. I say take a claritin lol
You’re not alone, love. All I know is that my mom is here to keep tylenol in business, and I PRAY my son NEVER feels that way about me!
I am so glad I’m not the only one with these concerns.
I’m 34 weeks pregnant right now, but since finding out I was pregnant I’ve been going nuts knowing my mom is going to constantly be judging me, my child, and my parenting skills to that of her or my brother and his wife and kids. And so far I haven’t been wrong.
Just prior to getting pregnant I was visiting (I live across the country) and had my dog with me. Now that dog could eat 50 lbs of food in one sitting if given half a chance, so I strictly measured the food. My mom would whine about how hungry the dog looked and pretty much made it seem like I was neglecting my dog to not allow it to eat every bite of food it would eat. And being stupid enough to not want to fight or be in trouble with my dad for arguing, fed the dog more than three times what she needed. Two weeks later I had a dead dog from intestinal failure.
After that incident and seeing that my mom obviously thinks that at 27 I can’t handle taking care of a dog (never mind that none of my other dogs who’ve never been near her have ever had any health problems), I’ve been convinced she won’t think I can handle my own child.
My daughter isn’t even born yet and my mom is already giving me her “expert opinion” and comparing me to others. I’m one of the ones who’s allergies have gotten much worse during pregnancy. I’ve been mentioning this on the phone and in e-mails since I was 10 weeks along. Yet even still my mom will sound shocked that my nose is stuffy when I’m on the phone. When I remind her it’s only allergies that’ve gotten worse she respons “Oh, mine got better when I was pregnant” as if I must be doing something wrong in life to make mine worse.
And last week when I had vacation and was mentioning that I had more work to do around the house than I did at work, she commented how I need to be sure to get everything ready before my daughter is born….DUH! As if I don’t already know that I’m going to want things set up, baby clothes cleaned and ready, plenty of my own clean clothes, etc rather than messing with those chores after the baby is born.
What takes the cake is when I would comment how my daughter likes to start her kicking when I lay down for the night, my mom told me how she would constantly poek and jostle my siblings and I while we were in utero,during the day to keep us awake, and how we all slept through the night by the time we were a week old. Sorry Charlie, I don’t buy it and haven’t won’t try it.
I’ve wondered what the chances are that she’ll back off once my little one is born. However, I think I’ve always been aware that she’s never going to back off, and reading all your comments here have just confirmed that she’s going to be nosy and try to run my life. The only thing I can say is thankfully for the time being I’m across the country (won’t be subjected to it regularly), and even when I move (a planned move for over a year now), I’ll be 13 hrs away (well, 13 hrs without a baby to tend to, probably two days with a baby). And I when I do make the drive to visit for holidays, I’ve already decided I’m getting a motel for the duration of my stays. There’s no way I can handle 24 / 7 nitpicking about how I’m raising my own child if I were to stay at my parents house. That and they don’t have room for me and a baby and all our stuff. My sister and her four kids have been living there “temporarily” for over two years, and while my folks keep saying they are moving out, I think my nieces and nephews (all under 10 now) will graduate highschool in that house! When it was only me, I usually ended up on a make-shift bed on the floor in my dad’s office, which was fine for just me, but won’t be fine for me and a baby.
@Mindy ~ I can relate. My birth mother (I’m adopted) and I are trying to build a relationship, but she is a keptomanic (steals stuff….any stuff….with no reasoning or remorse), so it’s rocky. But she’ll visit now and then and complain about her allergies to my dogs the entire time she’s here (anywhere from during one day to a week). I’ve bought her allergy meds, which she admits does help, she just doesn’t want to take them. She’ll wait until she’s already feeling ill from her allergies before she takes one, then complain about how long it’s taking to kick in.
To Daccota: I’ve got to be frank with you here – it sounds like your mom is trying to share her experiences of being pregnant and having kids with you – not trying to criticize you. Your entire post sounds like a spoiled brat taking slapping away her mother’s outstretched hands. I’d kill for a mom who wanted to share her experiences with me in a non-judgmental way the way your mother is doing here. In your allergy example, your mom isn’t comparing you to herself, she’s trying to share her experience with you so you can discuss your pregnancies together. Grow up and get over yourself. You’ll have to if you want to be a good mother to your own child.
In all honesty I have to give u props for dealing with her as well as you have. From your post I feel you have tried your hardest and can not stand it anymore. I completely understand what you are going through. I too am an adult with an extremely overbearing mother. I will tell you this I quickly found out that she is NOT going to change no matter what I try. She tells out right lies about my siblings and myself to other siblings/family members. Always shelling out unwanted advice which seems more like her opinion rather than sound advice, and most of the time she has no clue what shes talking about and talks down to people also without knowing. When she is notified that the “way” she says things is a little inappropriate she flips out and all hell breaks loose. She has made tons mistakes in life and never apologized for it (was slapped at age 11 for a curse word my sister said, she split my lip open). Idk why but my sister actually owned up this time and told my mom that it was her not I. My sister got 2 slaps one for cursing and the other “for making me slap your brother” I got no apology, was sent to my room til i stop bleeding, wtf?
Idk if your mom is anything similar but as an adult I know I had a terrible childhood, sounds like you had a rough one due to your parents inability to be “adults” and watch their behavior around their children. You and I were both robbed of our childhood. Please dont let her ruin your adult life. Make a stand, and stand your ground. Let her know the way she acts and the things she says when she is present is completely unacceptable and change needs to happen, if not then she is risking her relationship with you/grandbaby. If you present this to her in the most respectable way possible and she still refuses/doesn’t comply. Then in a sense she chose being bitchy over having a healthy meaningful relationship with her daughter and grandchild.