Missing out on a bachelorette party because of my baby? Me? Really?!

Wow! I am a mother of one, a ten month old little boy. One of my friends from college is having her bachelorette party, and I wrote the day down wrong. No one can watch my son, and I got this nasty phone call from the bride about how "she's going to be selfish about this and not feel bad." Whatever! I am not comfortable leaving my son for the night either, and then to get a nasty call from the bride just solidifies my feelings that my presence won't be missed anyway.

I really love your blog! I have a 4.5 month old son and I am in the same situation. I just told my dear friend that I would not be able to attend her destination wedding. While I was pregnant I told her I would be there, and I could not imagine missing the event. I know that she must be really hurt, but I can not leave my baby and be a 4 hour plane ride away from him. What if something happened? We could never get there fast enough, he is just too little. We even thought of bringing him, but can you imagine traveling that distance with a small baby? Anyway, I think you made the right choice! It was really hard for my husband and I to come to this decision because we love our friend so much, but once you have a baby he comes first. Good for you!

I think you made the right decision, because it is clearly what makes you most comfortable at this moment in time. I have a 5 month old son as well, so I can totally relate! I said the same things. That I would never become "that parent". However motherhood is SO much different than what I expected it to be. The truth is, it changes you, your life, and your priorities. There have been many events that I skipped recently including my 10 year reunion, an annual Halloween party hosted by friends that I have always attended, friends' birthday parties, etc. I know certain people don't understand, or think that I am turning into "one of them", but I don't care. I don't regret skipping these events one bit. I am doing what I know is best for me and my son. Its such a personal decision, and it just depends on your comfort level. Don't do something you are not comfortable with out of guilt or pressure. The time will come when you will feel like a night out more often...until then, enjoy your precious little monkey! It will go by so fast.

I gave up a trip to vegas as I wasn't ready to leave my nearly one year old son at the time. Kid's change you. A few months later I was ready to leave him when I knew he could be comforted ny someone else than me. Your feelings are normal.

Jane,
do what ever suits you there is no right or wrong thing to do here, I have not left my little one over night yet either and I do now feel ready to take that step. My sister on the other hand would jump at the chance but we are all different. I had to leave my little one for a day for go to a funeral that was 4 hours from our house when she was 3 months old and that was bad enough (I could of taken her but the funeral was for my younger Sister's little boy she lost the baby at 24 weeks pregnant ). I did go out one night to my works christmas party but it was only for a few hours and I was so ready to come back home to my baby after 2 hours of being away from her.

Hello lovely Jane!

Remember me, the pain in the ass girlfrom Finland, who was very annoyed with Tarzan while you were still pregnant..? Well, he still sounds annoying and patronizing (and what was that, when you were diagnosed with PPD you had to actually worry about whether HE would be okay waking up with the baby? no, really?). But the "nine months of pregnancy" was hilarious, so great job on that Tarzan! (And Jane, if he never spends a lot of time alone with Monkey because he has to work all the time, although he was working all the time when you were pregnant, because he wanted to "spend time with you and the baby after he would be born", well, it's his loss most of all, he'll miss out on some of the magic of having a baby LONGING to be near you , and knowing every little dimple on his little body..).
Anyway, I'm so happy for you, you sound happy and seem to be an extremely good mom, and isn't it unbelievable to be bursting to bits with love for your child, especially after having experienced a rough start and having had to fear that that overwhelming love wouldn't start showing up!! I was so relieved myself, that this time a did get to experience that rush, after having had something similar to your start the first time around.
Please don't let the people who try to make you feel quilty about not wanting to leave Monkey overnight persuade you to go!! It sounds like you are just in 'that place' where every mom wants to be, trusting your instincts, being there for Monkey, and taking your time, slowly letting him experience small amounts of time away from his dear mommy, and there is so nothing wrong with that!! Some other mum would maybe go, and good for them, if they feel up to it, but it sounds like the few people who claim that you aren't being true to the 'real Jane' by not going, just feel quilty for having been away from the baby themselves, and feel the need to pressure others to do the same because of that.
My advice: If you start to feel like going, go and have fun!! But make sure it's for the right reasons, not because someone on the internet told you to (we could easily tell you to do anything, because it's easy to advice other whilst staying anonymous, right ;)).

I have to disagree with the arguement "do what feels best." Or "mommy knows best." Most of us are new to this game and we will make parenting mistakes. I believe that sacrificing who you are for your child is just plain wrong and is harmful to your child. You need to learn to let go and be YOU. Be the Jane you've always been. Would the old Jane back out on her promises to a friend? Would the old Jane not share in the special days with a dear friend who's about experience one of the best times in her life? I wouldn't think so. I don't want to be the middle of the road person. Maybe I just don't understand the hardship of being away from my little one, I never experienced it to the degree that I went back on a promise. We've been to two weddings, one bachelorette party, and a slew of happy hours. Did I miss little one, yep. Did I think about her often, of course. Did I call the babysitter or my hubby a few times to check it, absolutely. But I've gone on with my life. Too many people wrap their lives around their children and don't focus on themselves, their marriage, or other relationships and it's just terrible. i won't apologize for my comments or how passionate I am about this. Don't lose yourself in Monkey.

You should do what feels best. I think the most important thing is that when you do go somewhere you have someone you trust to leave the little one with. Of course, you will constantly think of him, but at least you will feel a bit more secure knowing he is in good hands.
I have a 4-month old little boy, the love of my life, and had to go to Vegas for 2 nights for an annual meeting for work. Luckily, I work from home and only have to go out of town once a year, but it was in Dec. when he just turned 3 months! And I exclusively breast feed, so the first months of his life I was paranoid I was not going to pump enough, which added to the stress of being a new mom. (Which when I got home he had 5 ounces left!!)

I knew about this trip while I was pregnant so I thought I would miss him, but I thought I would be ready - and my husband was going to go w/ me, so we already made his arrangements before the baby came.

Well, around month 2, I started getting REALLY anxious. It was all I could think about. My mom and sister were going to watch him, and they were going to come stay at our house so he was in a familiar environment. Then the big day came, and we left. Looked at the pics of him on my phone like 100 times! But, in talking to my mom and sister several times a day, he did great. Actually slept better for them than he did for me! And my sister tells me again and again how happy she is that she was able to spend that time with him and that it was a great bonding experience. And that makes me happy, that my family had a chance to care for the little guy and develop those same deep bonds that I experience with him.
So, that's a thought as well. We haven't left him again, but do have a b-day party we are attending at the end of the month. Will just be for a couple of hours, but I'm looking forward to it....and already know I will be looking forward to coming home just as much!

I have 6-month old TWINS and I'd totally go.

I really think you should take the time for yourself and go. If you don't want to leave him with parents, leave him with your hubby. It'll be good for you AND for the baby.

The first time I left mine was a bit scary but OH THE FREEDOM of knowing they're OK and will be FINE!

I totally think your decision is A-OK. You have to do what is best for you. My little munchkin recently turned a year old, and I still haven't been gone from him for more than a few hours at a time. We're still nursing, so that kind of limits how long I can be gone (and no, I'm not going to pump just so I can get away.) Do I enjoy my time away from him? Sure. Would I rather be home with him? Absolutely.

Your friend who is getting married probably won't understand what the big deal is about leaving Monkey. But one day, when she has her own little one, she'll understand. You know, though, your other option is to take the whole family to the town of the bachelorette party, spend the night in a hotel, and then you go out with your girl friends. It's more expensive than just driving there, but then you wouldn't be away from Monkey and Tarzan for so long.

I don't blame you one bit. Do what you want to do. It's really not that bigga deal. If you feel like it, send her a fun little "care package" for her to open on that night with a note saying you're thinking about her. Don't feel the need to defend your decision to anybody, just focus on how you wish the best for her. It could be anything, wine, some sexy lotions, whatever. Just do what you have to do. You're a mommy first and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

S overfelt couln't have said it better. Jane if YOU don't feel right about going then do not go. Many ppl's comments are extreme about saying you will lose friends, burn bridges, etc. You have a baby still. Your family should be your #1 priority & it sounds like it is. I would send your friend a nice card & some fun bachelorette items & stay at home w/ your son. You are an awesome mom!

Jane- I agree with you on this one too. I think that you ARE being true yourself. Monkey is only 5 1/2 months, he still needs you. And I think its a little absurd to think that you are "cutting ties and burning bridges" just because you are uncomfortable traveling far away from your little boy. Your friendships can grow with the changes in your life and your family is the most important thing right now. And although I think that physically, monkey would be fine and nothing would really happen, you wouldn't have peace of mind. Not to mention that he has a special bond with his mama and no matter how great Tarzan is with him, it cannot compare to you. Now I think that it would be a different story if Monkey was a little older, or if You, Tarzan and Monkey all went out of town to stay the night, and you went out for the evening. But to be 4 hrs away.....and an overnight stay without him.... what if something happened and you couldn't respond as soon as you would like to. Or if Tarzan couldn't console Monkey for some reason? I'm sure you have thought of all this already. You have a strong mothering instinct and you would probably spend the entire night sleepless worrying about him. Maybe that would be a good thing to get it out of the way, but I don't think that I could do it either. In the words of Napoleon Dynamite " Just follow your heart, that's what I do."

See this is way you exclusively breastfeed and you never get pushed to be away from the baby for more then a few hours!! :) But I am with you I couldn't leave my little guy for anything but that's my personality I can't even enjoy a night away from my husband. I think that I would still going to the wedding because it would something that you and Tarzan could enjoy together but a bachelorlette it worth missing for family time!!
xoxox I love your blog!!

I think "Mom knows best" on this one. All babies are different and all Moms are too. I know that my baby would probably be okay if my hubby was looking after her. She just has a hard time sleeping in other peoples' houses. In your case, I think if you don't feel 100% comfortable leaving Monkey, don't. You'll end up having a miserable time.

It's hard for people who don't have children to understand what you are going through, so don't be offended if she doesn't "get" why you can't go...It's not that you don't want to go! Maybe you can do something special with your girlfriend before she gets married that won't require you to be away from Monkey overnight? This way you are still celebrating her milestone in life.

Good luck and let us know what ends up happening.

I have been following your blog for a very long time. Ever since I found out I was pregnant Dec 08.. I thought since I was a few weeks behind you, I could know what to expect..but I had an early miscarriage the following Jan. I have pushed most of all Baby blogs and Baby TV shows out of my life because I think it stresses me out too much to constantly be hoping and wishing it could be me soon. It has now been over a year of trying, and I still haven't pushed your blog away. I just wanted to say KEEP BLOGGING! You're doing something bigger than you think!

This is my 1st time posting & I, too enjoy your blog very much. I do understand your fear of leaving your child at home. My son is almost 4 mos old & my husband & I went out without him for the 1st time on NYE. I have to say, I thought about him the whole time & missed him tons & couldn't wait to get back home. Also, on that night I agreed to attend a friend's 40th bday trip to Vegas with several of my girlfriends for 3 nights. We will be going in October & my little guy will just be over 1. I am actually very scared about going, but it's a done deal & already paid for. I feel guilty when I think about leaving him home, but I am also afraid to miss out on so much fun with my friends. Just thinking about having fun makes me feel guilty too. But I think I am making the right decision & that even though I will miss him terribly, I think will be able to set all of that aside & have a good time! I think it's okay to do what feels right for you.

I just came back to read others' comments and I agree that they have some good points. It may be nice to get out from time to time, but if this just isn't the right time or instance for you to do it, then don't beat yourself up or feel guilty. It's hard to say that staying home with your Monkey is the wrong decision.
However, there may be other times in the future when it makes more sense or it would be OKAY to get out for the night and for myself, I'd like to take advantage of those times!
I never thought that I may be losing some of my friends now by being all about my baby, but I guess we have to strive to prevent that from happening, huh?

Well, either way, whatever you decide will be the right decision for you and your family and I'm sure you'll enjoy the night at home or a night on the town!

I can relate to where you're coming from. I was like that as a first-time mom. And most people who aren't parents (or who haven't had young children in a while) won't fully understand. But I do think you have to do what's best for you. As a mom of 3, I would have no problem leaving, but I was a different person as a new mom. You change, you grow, you jump at a chance to get out of the house for a few days! I remember that leaving my first with my husband to run to the store or go to the dentist was traumatic. By my third, I was thrilled to go to Target by myself as soon as possible! As a mom who has btdt, I would encourage you to go and have fun, but not at the expense of feeling guilty and nervous about your babe the whole time!

I have a 3 year old son and I totally know what you mean! I didn't leave him for over a year. All my friends are childless too and its at times like these you find out who your real friends are. When my 3 year old was just 5 months I was lucky enough to be given a holiday to new York with my befriend and do you know what I did? I took him with me! Everyone thought I was crazy when I had the opportunity for a care free weekend away but I just couldn't stand leaving him! I also realised how great my bestfriend was as she was totally understanding and on an evening we couldn't go out but we put baby to bed and had such a funny girlie night sitting in the bathroom and drinking champagne! Im sure your friends will respect your decision. P.s I've followed your blog for a while now and I think you sound like a great mummy!

Annabelle Lee made a GREAT point!!! I think you should take advantage of Tarzan and any family who's in the area to help out. Not only are you giving THEM an excellent chance to bond with baby, but YOU are getting the chance to stay true to yourself! Annabelle summed up my thoughts PERFECTLY with the statement "There’s going to come a time when Monkey would rather go out to with his friends, and when you’ve cut all your ties and burned bridges, who will you have?". My oldest is nearly 6 years old now and with the start of school earlier this year mom and dad suddenly took the backseat to all her new-found friends. I quickly realized just how many of my own friends I had lost in the first 2 years of my new role as "mommy" because I devoted 100% of my time to my baby and had nothing left for anyone else. Being a dedicated mom is important, just don't be overzealous about it to the point of having tunnel-vision!

I have to agree with Mom of a 6 month old, I absolutely LOVE this blog also. But Jane, you have to be a great friend as well as wife, and mother. There's going to come a time when Monkey would rather go out to with his friends, and when you've cut all your ties and burned bridges, who will you have? This isn't a silly little get together with friends, this is a WEDDING, a huge step in a dear friend's life. You can't go back once you miss it. And I strongly believe if not right after the weekend has passed, then a little while down the road, you'll regret not going. You promised you'd be there and it's just rude to go back on your word now. I really think you should reconsider, you're little guy will be just fine. And you won't believe how much you'll be happy to see him once you get back from your mini vacation :)

First off I love your blog, so please don't hate me after this comment. Hmmm, I don't want to write this and sound judgemental, but for the love GO! Your friend is getting married. It's a huge step in her life and you should be a part of it. You will survive, Monkey will survive, and I think you will regret not being a good friend and choosing to stay home when you could be continuing friendships you had prior to Monkey. I have a 6 month old, and while I've never spent a night away, the opportunity hasn't arose. But I am taking a 4 days trip to Vegas with friends in March and I.Can't.Wait. I love and adore my lil peanut, but I need some time to be me. I also go out a couple evenings a week when little one is asleep and see my friends and continue doing the things I used to do, just on a smaller scale. Don't turn into the person you said you wouldn't be. Make this small sacrifice and spend time with a friend who is dear to your heart. Share this time with her because getting married is magical and you are setting a terrible example for her in the future when/if she has a family. don't lose yourself in motherhood, even if you think that's what you want, because you'll wake up years from know wondering who the hell YOU are. Sorry, if this is offensive but wake up and GO!

I have to admit..... Until I reread your post I didn't understand that the party was out of town! I'm pregnant and I feel like I already understand where you are comming from! But on the other hand, I grew up with my mom and stepdad never being sway from my brother and I.... And now that we are older it seems they are having a hard time reconnecting. I'm 23 and my brother is 13 and just this past year ago was the first time they ever went on a overnight trip without my brother. Mom keeps telling me to not make that mistake...... Bc the longer you wait the harder it is. I think 6 months is to early for a overnight trip...... But waiting until your youngest is 12 is extreme! But it might be time for a date night though! It has been a while hasn't it?

Laura, Megan, Sarah, & Natasha - It's nice to hear that y'all can all relate to what I said. I feel bad for missing out on this girl's night out & would totally go if it were in town, but having to drive & spend the night away is too much right now.

Pam - Oh yes, Tarzan could absolutely take care of him, but that really isn't the reason behind me not going. I just don't feel like I'm quite ready. I totally see your point, but you have 3 kids to my 1 little guy. I'm sure once I've had some more kids, I'll be ready to leave for a night, but everything is still so new for me. Does that make sense? & I agree that it's important to interact with other adults & I do that. I just prefer to interact with the ones that are in the same city as me right now ;)

It's like you read my mind. I SWORE I wouldn't be that mom, and now I've recently had to accept that I am her. For the most part I happily skip out on things, but there have been a few big events/outings I've had to miss.

I've made similar choices since having my little girl too, and the fact of the matter is that even though it was difficult, I still believe I made the right decisions. I comfort myself by remembering that when I was childless, I was very understanding of women with children who skipped various events. I figure that should give me plenty of good karma to get me through a couple years, right?

Can't Tarzan care for him? I can understand your trepidation in leaving him, but at the same time you've got to still do things for YOU in order to be a well-rounded person. You devote every day to the baby and it's HEALTHY to take a break once in a while. I guess I just look at things from the perspective of a mom with THREE children and no childcare who would actually WELCOME the break and the chance to get out with my friends so I can feel refreshed and rejuvenated coming back to my family once again. Half the reason I started working weekends a few years ago is so that I CAN get a little break from my brood and interact with other ADULTS, even if it's only for several hours a day. Ultimately you've got to do what feels right to YOU and if that means sticking with Monkey 24/7, then go for it! It's hard to wear as many hats as most of us do, but just keep in mind that you don't want to lose your friendships while you're raising your family.

I totally understand. I feel the same way about commitments and get-togethers with friends who are childless. We actually backed out of a shindig Sunday night, even though all day I said we would go (with our little one as well), but when it came down to it, she was exhausted and I didn't think it'd be worth it. Do I think the organizers of the event understand? Not completely. Before I had a baby, I really didn't understand myself. What's the big deal? Why do these people have to rush home? Is it the end of the world if the baby doesn't go to sleep "on time"? Now that she's here, my perspective has completely changed. And while from time to time I definitely miss the adult social interaction, paying for it later in the night with a crying, upset child, and being totally exhausted the next day is NOT worth it.

It is just hard. I do not think friends without kids totally understand. They try, but they just do not get it (there are exceptions, but they're rare). I am really looking forward to the day when more of my friends have kids and it'll click and they'll be able to say, "Ok, now I understand why you were M-I-A for 6 months. This is a big life change!" While I doubt they will say that word for word, or even verbalize it, it'll be nice to have more understanding.
We've missed out on two weddings of close friends since our baby was born, lots of social outings and whatnot. I miss the experience but I don't miss knowing my baby's okay!

It is so hard having friends who are single or just getting married who don't have children. It is hard to find common ground after your world is centered around someone other than yourself. I have been struggling with that myself. :)