Sometimes I wish I could just run away from everyone & everything & start over. Well, with the exception of my husband & son, that is. Not that anything is terribly wrong right now, but life just gets more difficult as we get older & sometimes I wish I could run away from it all.
I’ve never been one to be afraid of getting older. In fact, I always look forward to my birthdays with such joy. Now I know that I’m only in my twenties, but I don’t see myself ever getting crazed over a number. I’ll be turning 30 years old this year & I am excited about it. It doesn’t make me feel old at all.
But as I get older, my loved ones around me get older as well. And when they get older, they seem to get sick & that is a lot for me to handle. My grandmother is losing her mind (literally), my uncle is really sick, & I’ve already lost family members. It makes me so sad to see my grandmother ask me the same question five times in a matter of five minutes. & it’s not because I lose my patience (which I don’t), but it’s because I hate seeing the strong woman that I’ve known my whole life disappear.
On a totally separate note, there is my husband, who works his ass off. Literally. I don’t know anyone else who works as hard & as much as him. & he does it so that we can have a good life. ”They” always say that you work a million times harder when you have your own business & boy, is that true.
But I can’t help but to be envious of the husbands who have regular 9-5 jobs. When those husbands come home, they are home with their family. Spending quality family time together. They have the weekends off to do family things. It seems so nice & makes me a bit jealous.
I know it’s a trade-off though. Working at home for your own business provides a lot that working for someone else doesn’t. There are pro’s & con’s of each, but I just miss my husband, which is incredibly silly sounding considering we are both home together during the day.
I miss when we were younger & didn’t have as many responsibilities. Looking back, I can’t believe how much money we spent on things that we wouldn’t buy/do now, but it was fun. He didn’t work as hard then, but again, not as many reasons to do so. Now it’s a whole different game.
We have a baby. We have mortgages. We have bills. We have to pay out the ass for health insurance. We have to save in case anything happens. We have to be more careful with things in general.
I know that growing up is part of life, but when I look back at how carefree we both were when we were younger, well, it makes me a little sad. Our lives have changed so much now (& in a good way with little Monkey), but just to forget about sickness, bills, & everything else that comes along with being an adult & to live carefree for even a day sounds like pure bliss.
To not have to worry about anyone getting sick, being in the hospital, dying.
To not have to worry about being the only one out of your friends that has kids while said friends just don’t quite get it.
To not have so many responsibilities.
To not have your husband work & work & work all.of.the.time.
Yes, I think it would be nice to just run away from everyone & everything for a day or two.
You might also want to read:
- Random pregnancy comments & ramblings that I did not love
- Father-to-be ramblings about Dadalings and soon to be happenings
- When does a baby sleep through the night? And other worn-out daddy questions ramblings.
- Postpartum blues, help with breastfeeding, and ramblings from an overtired Daddy.
- Baby registries and other ramblings from a mom-to-be
= a post from Mommy Jane 
= a post from Daddy Tarzan
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
I totally agree with you and I’m only 22. Haha. I hate having to be responsible.
It is so true, when you get married, then have children, things just get more complicated and your responsibilities grow. Like you, I don’t want to change the life I’ve been blessed with, but once in awhile, I wish perhaps we had bought a smaller, less expensive house so that I might have the option to be a SAHM instead of having to leave my precious babies again in 5 1/2 months. (I have a newborn and am taking every second of time I can off to be with my newborn and my toddler).
Aw *hugs*. I have a 3 month old, and feel like that sometimes too. It almost makes me feel guilty, ’cause after all we’re all very blessed aren’t we, to have the man we love and a wonderful baby, but the responsabilities can be heavy sometimes. You probably need a break. Can Tarzan stay with Monkey on a Saturday afternoon so you can have a massage at a day spa or something? Having some me-time might work wonders. Also don’t forget to have alone dates, at least once a month – we had one yesterday in a good while and I’d forgotten how refreshing it felt.
I hear you on the owning-your-own-business thing; my husband also works for himself (for his family company, actually), and I’ve often asked myself whether I wished he was just someone else’s ”rat” working 9-5 instead … In the end I always decide I’m thankful for our life just the way it is, but like you, I miss him!
Cecile: “Someone else’s ‘rat,’” really? That’s incredibly demeaning and insulting. There’s nothing wrong with either style of work; my husband works 9-5 for someone else because that someone else needs his skill set. I’m proud of him, and having a definite separation between work and home suits our family just fine.
Jane, I understand where you’re coming from about your grandmother. Mine was particularly spunky (her favorite word was “jackass”) and it’s been hard watching her deteriorate into an immobile shadow of her old personality. Hang in there.
Maybe it’s time for you guys to plan a vacation. Monkey’s getting older and it might be fun to get away with just the three of you, even if it’s just for the weekend. Can Tarzan take a few days off or perhaps be on call?
Oh, and I didn’t care about turning 30 either – until the week before I did! I had a breakdown on the way home from work. I just felt so sad about saying goodbye to my 20s. Hopefully you won’t go through that too, but just be prepared for some weird feelings to sneak up on you right when you think you’re okay with it all
.
Hang in there Jane, it is so very difficult to watch loved ones slip away. But you have to remember the wonderful lives they’ve lived and all the beautiful memories.
I, of course, do not know you in real life, and would never intend to judge you at all. It just really seems to me that you aren’t getting enough time for “Jane” and not enough “Tarzan and Jane” time. I know Monkey is your first priority, as all of us feel that our babies should come first and above all else. But in your recent posts…you can just truly tell you’re feeling down. I sincerely think you need a break! Go out girl, be crazy for a night (a weekend, maybe?) you WILL NOT believe how refreshed you’ll feel. Don’t forget about you dear, you’re just as much a person as Tarzan and Monkey, and you need pampering too
Don’t feel that taking time for yourself is taking away from Monkey. You deserve a reward for holding down the house.
anrp (I think) – I accidentally deleted your comment instead of approving it, but I do want to address something that you said.
For the readers, anrp said (not completely verbatim): “This post truly takes the cake & I will no longer read about you. You should feel blessed with what you have.”
So here’s the deal – I don’t really care if you don’t read my blog anymore, but I want to get one thing straight. I never said in my post that I was ungrateful for my life. If you have a perfect life w/ no worries of sickness, working, etc, please share your secrets with me.
I feel truly blessed in my life, but sometimes the sad parts of life get to me. Is that something for you to judge? Not really… but please, carry on.
To everyone else – I’m glad that y’all understand! Tarzan & I have had some “couple” time together & it’s awesome! I am having a girl’s night out next weekend, so don’t you worry, I will have a ton of fun!!!
Jane you are so right about one thing, each has its pro’s and con’s, my Partner works in the city an hour and half from home and can work up until 8pm some nights meaning he is not home till way after 9 pm and I can tell you that I really wish at times he did work from home cause it can be so lonely at home all day every day with a baby, plus when he gets home he wants to unwind and the last thing he wants to do is be handed a baby and do daddy duty… He works very hard to provide for us, and I have just started a little business from home to earn some extra cash for us. I often wish he was home more but I cannot change that, As far as losing loved ones it is never easy I lost my first boyfriend at 15 to a deadly blod clot, grandmother when i was 18 to bowel cancer I lived with her and cared for her until she passed, I am not sure what is worse losing your mind and still having your body and not knowing you are losing your mind or losing your body my grandmother weight 34 kilos or 79 pounds was so weak she was unable to walk she is literally skin and bones when she passed away but was sharp as a tact as far as her mind went and she was only 54 years old she was taken from us way too early. My Foster Sister died when I was 25 she was 22 (she was severally disabled and not expected to live pass the age of two so it was incredible that she lived till 22 ) life is so fragile and can never to taken for granted.
Yes it is easy to run away but instead we shoudl be in bracing life to the full and savoring every moment.
I do not know if you know of fellow blogger Matt Logelin (www.mattlogelin.com) if not check out his site I just finished readign his blog from start to current, his wife Liz gave birth to their daughter Maddie at I think 33 weeks pregnant via emergency C section she had only seem Maddie once before she was taken to the nursery the next day she was told she would go see and little girl and as she stood up she said she was not feeling well and passed out, she Died there and then from a clot in her lung she never got to hold her little girl, Matts shares his life as his raises Maddie alone it is an amazing blog that really makes you cherish what you have no matter what form it takes.
Cicile I dont think people working for other people are rats that is a little demeaning we all do what is best for our family.
Peta – I definitely agree that life is so fragile & precious. In times when I feel a little down about certain things I do try to remember that… but being human, sometimes it’s easier to just feel down in the dumps, you know? Overall though, I am a pretty positive person who does try to see the light in every situation & that includes embracing life to the fullest.
I do know about Matt & my heart breaks for him & his little girl. He is such a strong guy/dad. I don’t know if I could find the strength to keep on going – It’s such a sad situation to lose someone you love so shortly after a new life has entered yours.
I apologize that my use of the term rat was offensive; I was just referencing the term ”rat race.” I did not mean that anyone who isn’t self-employed, though, is a rat … I work outside the home and in a few months my mat leave will end and I’ll go back to my job working for someone else. I don’t feel like a rat — if I did, I would be very unhappy!! — but I am aware that I am a small part of someone else’s bigger scheme.
Sometimes having a 9-5 job doesn’t mean coming home to spend time with your family. I see my wife and kids for about an hour in the morning – as I’m rushing to get my oldest to school and me to work. Then, when I come home, I need to get dinner ready, get everyone fed, and eat something myself. If I’m lucky, I get a half hour of playtime in before I need to help get the kids ready for bed. Once the kids are asleep, there are other household things to do (clean up from dinner, etc). I never seem to have enough time.
My wife is overwhelmed from staying at home taking care of our youngest all day and the oldest from the end of school to when I get home. I, meanwhile, am stuck in a windowless office all day and come home only to find more work to do when I’d love to just toss all responsibilities out the window and play with my kids for a few hours. Don’t get me wrong. I love my job. I just wish I could split myself in half so that half of me could work at my job and the other half could play with my kids.
The one thing I don’t have a problem with is getting old. I like being 29. So much so that I’ll celebrate my 29th birthday for the 7th time this year! Kidding, of course. I have no problem admitting to my age…. unless someone mentions they’ve seen a gray hair or asks if my hairline is receding! I go into denial then. (Though I still maintain that my hairline hasn’t budged.)
Perspective is a funny thing. I’ll be 41 this coming May. I’d so gladly turn 30 again. So much has happened in the past 11 years. At the same time I remember turning 30 and feeling ancient, so I suppose some things never change.
JANE and TARZAN!
You guys are just like my husband and I! I can’t believe it, lol. I have been reading forever… and I have got to tell you this! We are also both home. I stay at home with our 4month old.. and he works from home. This blog makes so much sense! I have 2 ill grandmothers – both sides of the family (one is my great grandmother), and my husband is always in the office working and working and working… and you said it, I miss him. I wish I could run away with my husband and my baby girl and seriously forget all of my worried for even a day. Jane, I really wish you lived nearer lol. I think we could be great friends lol.
It’s so funny that you would get negative comments about this. This is why I love to read your blog, you are REAL. Everyone has thoughts about this. That’s what we do, we THINK, CONCEIVE, IMAGINE. I, personally, love your blog and appreciate that, no matter how many times you write about something real and personal and receive bad comments, you still continue to be real in your blog. Thank you.
We all have these thoughts…Don’t feel bad about feeling this way every now and then! It is okay.
I can appreciate this for sure… I mean seriously if you always got what you wanted in life you would never be able to truly appreciate what you have.
Sometimes you have go through rough patches so you can appreciate what it is you are missing. And if you are smart about it you will work that much harder to get what you want.
Hang in there.
Yah know, I came across your blog ages ago and haven’t really kept up with it (sorry). Congrats on the new addition to your family! I have an 8 month old son (hence the reason for not keeping up with it) and am going through the same things you are! I have to say this post really resonated with me though… everyone in my family is getting older as I get older (26 currently, husband 30) and some are getting sick, dying etc. It really makes you think about life and how you want to live it. I totally understand about the husband working ‘all the time’. My husband works swing shift – 7 days on one shift, 1 day off, 7 days on the next shift, 1 day off (you get the idea). Most weeks he works ALL 3 shifts in a period of 7 days with one day off because they are short-handed. Sometimes, it feels like being a single parent. I know he does what he has to do to provide for us, but it makes it hard to seemingly raise a baby ‘on your own’ sometimes. Just keep your chin up (as I know you will) and good luck!