I can think of a million better ways to start my morning than to argue with my husband.

Hi Jane, foolowing my previous advice, no it is not that Tarzan doesn't listen to you, it is that he can understand your point! I can understand you because I am a women, but men can't. You need to be direct. If we say " it should be that you bah bah bah..." be completly sure that by offer to wake up, he missed the point already. It was exactly the same with my husband! instead try this: would you please wake up with monkey more often so I can rest longer in the mornings" "I am sorry I look annoyed but I am extremely tired, being a mom is very hard on me and I would like you to support me a little more by doing: (and tell him exactly what you want)" Also saying "I love you but I am frustrated and I need some understanding. Would you mind if we talk a little about how I feel" is a great way to explain to him in a loving way what is going on with your emotions without starting an argument.

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I too don't mind getting up, I have to if no one else is, but it would be nice if the hubby got up out of the bed and walk around to pick up the baby instead of crawling to the end of the bed to stick the pacifier back in her mouth so she will go back to sleep. And when she doesn't, guess who gets up...ME! and I rarely ever eat breakfast now, half the time I don't even get lunch. But if I'm up with the baby feeding her, he's in the kitchen makin' breakfast and coffee and takin' his dang time. Wow, you got me a bit riled up about it. heheh... boys. Too bad they don't read minds.

We'll one thing is for sure, guys are never mind readers and if you want something you really have to tell it to them. Now this is another crucial point, delivery and timing is crucial. Be patient and ensure an open communication. Nothing beats a free flowing discussion with cool heads and on the side.

Hi Jane ,

I have been reading your blog for the past few months now. LOVE IT. It's an honest perspective (well, actually, it's two honest perspectives) put into real terms, which is so incredibly helpful for someone like me who is positively clueless about parenthood! I'm late 20s, happily married, thinking about starting a family someday. Nowadays it feels like that someday will come "sooner" rather than "later." Stories like this post of yours are one of the many MANY reasons why the idea of having a baby kind of freaks me out. My husband is the most wonderful, loving person I have ever met - he is SO good to me, and I truly enjoy every minute of our life right now. He is extremely excited about someday having a child, because he really truly loves babies, and I am excited too but also nervous.

Nervous because: He REALLY likes his sleep, although he swears he will be more than happy to wake up early for the little one. Will he really?

Nervous because: We probably won't be able to do most of the things we currently enjoy (lazy weekends, dining out, adventurous vacations, hanging out with our friends who are mostly single) for a LOOONNG time. Am I right or crazy?

Nervous because: I have always been an athlete, and when I am not able to exercise, I am honestly a different person (in a bad way). How will I ever find time to take care of myself physically?

Nervous because: CAN I -- CAN WE - SERIOUSLY DO THIS?

These are the things I think about. At the same time, if we were to find out that conceiving would be difficult for us for whatever reason, I would be absolutely devastated. Is it normal to be so committed to an idea and so terrified of it at the same time? Will I just snap out of my selfishness and into sleep-deprived action the second I lay eyes on our someday-baby? Will my husband and I still love each other as much as we do now? And how many strollers and crap do we HONESTLY need? We don't have a ton of space, and I prefer not to have too much stuff, in general.

I don't expect you to be my personal guru, but your blog has become a very helpful resource for me as I navigate all of these thoughts in preparation for our future journey into parenthood. Any words of wisdom you could impart would fall on very eager (and clueless) ears.

My hubby doesn't exactly pick up on subtle cues either, so when I'd like him to do something I just ask. For example, "I'm going to pump now, would you mind doing the dishes?" ...or folding the laundry, or taking out the trash, whatever chore most needs to be done at the moment. I've also been known to just hand him a hungry baby and a bottle so I can go take a shower. We both work outside the home, so we try to take turns with Panda (that's our Monkey) when we're home. Sometimes hubby just needs a reminder. A very specific reminder.
I hear you on sleeping in, though. We've somewhat solved that problem on the weekends with our early-bird daughter by brining her to bed with us after her ~6am bottle. Maybe not a good habit to get into long-term, but it lets us get some more sleep and great cuddle time!

I have to say this post has been helping me stay sane around here, where I have the opposite problem. Where we live both parents get 2 weeks parental leave to spend 'nesting'. I am amazingly grateful for this, as hubby is much more experienced with newborns than I am thanks to countless nieces and nephews. But, since we've gotten home he has been a non-stop whirball of nesting energy. He has been scrubbing the home from top to bottom, wanting to hold the baby anytime he's not feeding, trying to make sure everything is going well it BFing, and never really taking time to be with us.

It's great, but really I am just trying to find some space to relax and get to know my new son. Having someone hovering and asking if I need help at every turn makes me a little nutty.

However, after reading this, it was a lot easier to say 'wow, thanks it is really great that you are doing xyz. Maybe a little less abc would make it easier for me, too'

So there are all kinds of Dads out there...

Hey Jane,

I totally understand how you feel. I think it's fair to say that dads see and do things differently. Don't get me wrong, they help in their own way, but often times it's not what we expect.

Here's an example. When my hubby helps with the diaper he often says "can you get the wipes", "can you put her clothes back on while I go wash my hands?" It's like, come on...I might as well do it myself! I don't know the last time I got all that help when I had to change my baby's diaper. Now, I just put all the diapering stuff close to the play place so he can grab it without asking me for help.

Example two: Whomever said that bottle feeding will make it easier on moms because now the dads can help out with the feeding process was WRONG! On a good day, my hubby will give one out of four bottles to the baby. I make all the bottles the night before and keep them in the fridge. Now that my baby is eating solids, I am also making purees for her and freezing them. Hubby has yet to feed her any solids. As for the bottle and food prep. I don't mind doing it since there is a lot of measuring that goes with it and it's just too hard for me to explain it to him.

Example three: Bath time. Well, this used to be daddy's job all the time. Now, I'd say he does it half the time. Partly because he's at work and can't be home in time to give her a bath. This is one task where I don't need to help him at all. My hubby loves to give our baby a bath and does a great job! But I'm the one to cut her nails, do the lotion massage and get her dressed after wards.

There's a heck of a lot more examples, but I'll spare you the details. I guess what I am trying to say is, sometimes we enable our husbands to act the way they do by not telling them something is wrong and that we need more of their help. Easier said than done though because I'm not one to ask for help. But, how are they supposed to know we need help if we don't ask for it? Some husbands are really in tune with their wife's needs, but this isn't my case at all. I'm learning to be honest by saying, "Hun, it was a horrible day. I need your help." I'm so lucky to have a husband who doesn't ignore my pleas for help and pitches in the best he can. We appreciate what we do for each other and for the baby. I think this is most important in our relationship.

It's no surprise that we do so much on a daily basis because we are at home with our babies most of the time and we love doing it :) I'm sure SAHDs would say the same thing. So, in the words of a close friend of mine, "don't sweat the small stuff" and "work smarter, not harder".

P.S. Happy Valentine's Day!

It's baffling sometimes, isn't it? I know that my husband wants to be helpful etc. but he really doesn't seem to notice how MUCH I do all the time, and like others pointed out we've had the conversation where he says, "Just tell me what you want me to do". I want him to just be able to spontaneously say, oh, look, dishes need done, I'll do those. Because I feel like I'm nagging if I say, hey do the dishes. But he prefers that! Also for sleeping in, we've gotten into a routine on weekends (we both work during the week) where I get up with our little guy (usually around 6 am) and then I get him up around 8:30 and go back to bed. This works well because I can fall back asleep easily but he never can, so that way we both manage to get a few extra hours of sleep!

Thought I should speak up for the husbands. Ok, maybe I can't speak for all of them, but for myself, I try to do as much as I can, but often I'll find myself in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" position. For example, if I load the dishwasher, then I've loaded it wrong, completely wasting space despite my attempts to maximize how many dishes fit in. If I don't load it, I'm blamed for not loading it and letting the dishes sit in the sink for days.

Sometimes I shy away from doing things, not because I don't want to help, but because I've been told that I do it wrong enough times that I figure it'll be easier if I don't even attempt it anymore.

I'll agree with Brittany and L, it's a lot easier on us husbands if we're told just what is expected of us. I'd expand on that advice, though, and add that sometimes it might be a confidence matter. The husband might see you expertly diapering/feeding/cleaning/etc and think that he couldn't possibly do as good. So not only ask him to do the job, but help him along in the beginning and thank him afterwords. If he does it slightly different than you do it, don't sweat the details and be gentle in your corrections. (Don't say: "That's completely wrong. Here, let me do it." Say: "That's good, but if you pull that part over there when you fasten it, the diaper will stay tighter longer.") His confidence in the task will soar and he'll take it on more and more often.

The funny thing is that they just don't think about it... My husband will say that he thinks that I should make him do more. He will feel a little guilty that I'm home all day with the baby, dishes, laundry and dogs. Like he would say " I wish you had me do more, I feel kinda bad that your with him all the time" ...Seriously you can see all that I'm doing and offer to help??? So now I just come right out and ask him to bathe him or change his diaper. At first his reaction is to not want to get up or he doesn't feel like it because hes watching sportscenter or something. I remind him that we have DVR so he can pause what he's watching and come right back to it. Youre the one who said that you should help more.... But even still I'm the one to do everything because its just easier to do it myself than to guilt my husband into doing it. I guess I shouldn't complain, I know that he does a lot more than most dads.

I agree with Brittany - it works much better if you just ask. Although, we would all love for them to offer, I just don't think they get it. So now I just say, "diaper time", and hand our son to him...or, "I'm going to start feeding, can you start the bath water?", or I will warm up his food and pass it to my husband and just say, "here you go". This works SO much better...because even if I don't mind doing it all, I do want his help, and this way he knows EXACTLY what I want.
So if you want to sleep in on Sat., on Friday night say something like - "you better get to bed early tonight because your on in the morning". Not quite the same thing as him offering, but really, they don't get it unless you're super specific, at least mine doesn't!

Oh yes I hear you, I am up now with my l;ittle one while his royal highness is still in bed sleeping, If I want a sleep in now I bring little one in bed with me and let he climb all over daddy. I figure if I cant get a sleep everyonce in a while then he will have to put up with her climbing all over him lol....

I've had this argument already. It's especially uncomfortable because he works and I don't. Moms say their jobs are 24/7. I mean they sort of are, 24/7 on call. My fiance works 12 hour days sometimes and I think I kind of have it easy compared to what he has to do. On the other hand, he should WANT to help because the baby isn't just mine: it's ours.
I don't mind doing all the baby work. I don't mind cleaning the house and having to clean and do laundry on top of it. In fact, I sort of like doing all this stuff. I'm in school too so I also have to study on top of it. I do mind him not being interested in caring for her. Men don't get that we just like to have it offered to us. We'd probably decline half the time but what's the harm in offering? Women are just naturally more nurturing and men generally more...for lack of better word, selfish.

It would be nice if they thought like we do to understand what we need and offered without being asked but would we really want that? I mean, one of the things that make a marriage (or any relationship) great is the fact that two different people have come together to form a strong, loving partnership. Partnerships only work when the partners communicate with each other so instead of keeping it in, just let him know what you need. I wish that I had done that a bit more in my marriage; sometimes we learn these lessons too late.

I was getting to the point of outright resentment towards my husband because he had the freedom to wake when he wanted, play video games, work out, etc. I found that by telling him how I felt and that I needed more help, and them giving him specific things to do, worked much better than saying "I wish you would do this more often." Once I said "Please clean up the dinner dishes before starting your video game each night" he became much more helpful. I know it would be really nice if they understood what we needed but most of the time you just have to tell them.

*hugs* I'm sorry hunny. But I totally know where you're coming from. Been there, done that. Sometimes it really does help to get it off your chest & let Tarzan know what's going on.

I know exactly where you are coming from! My husband gets up on weekends, goes to work out, watches the weight room (he's a HS football coach) and comes home around 11. At which point he eats, reads the paper, whatever. All while I still may not have brushed my teeth yet and I just want to scream, "don't you think you could at least ASK if I wanted something, too." And he assumes that because I've been home all morning I've had plent of time to eat. UGH. Men! :-)

Husbands don't get it.....I love the ..."have you joined a mom's group yet?"...ahhh...such a man:)