(or something like that. Don’t exactly quote me on the above number since I’m only going off of memory of something I previously read.)
Now while I can’t see myself joining the above percentage, I do see how it happens.
Before baby, said married couple has a strong marriage. A great one full of awesome communication. The wife does her own thing, the husband does his, & then things are done as a couple. It’s easy & you think that throwing a baby into the mix will just add diapers to your life. Ha!
After baby, even the strongest of married couples (myself & Tarzan included) start to unravel a bit. Communication lacks due to sleepness nights. I wish my husband could read my mind. To Tarzan it probably feels like nothing he does is right.
Actually, I know that last statement to be true because I asked him that last night. I said, “Do you feel like anything you do is not right?” & he said, “Yes”.
Interesting.
It’s just that half the time when he tries to help out, I end up having to do some of it anyways. So really it’s not helping me out; he’s creating more work for me. If he changes a diaper, he leaves the wipe box open & leaves the dirty diaper on the changing table. I guess in his mind he changed the dirty diaper – picking up after himself was not included.
And it’s even more than just things baby-related. One of my biggest pet peeves is the trash. My husband would be more than happy to just let the trash pile up in the garbage can, around the garbage can, & anywhere in between. Once the trash gets full, in my mind, it needs to be taken out.
Since he doesn’t take it out on his own, I remind him. & lots of times I’m irritated when I remind him because I don’t see how a grown man can’t just do it on his own. Anyways, he’ll take the trash bag out of the garbage can & set it on the side of the garbage can. Again, this irritates me as I do not want a freakin’ bag of trash just sitting out in the kitchen. Gross.
So then I ask him to take it out to the garage & he does that. When he comes back inside, he continues about his business, complete with not putting in a new trash bag. So I do the natural thing & just wait it out to see how long it will take him to put a new trash bag in the can. He doesn’t. Instead he’ll put a used napkin or paper plate on the counter right by where the garbage can lives.
Then I ask him to put a damn trash bag in the garbage can & I look like the bad guy. In my mind though, why doesn’t he just complete the whole task instead of doing it half-assed?!
At times it feels like I went from a married woman to a single parents with 2 kids. And that’s annoying.
Then there was this morning. Monkey woke up ridiculously early (too bad he didn’t get the memo that it’s cool to sleep in on the weekends) and I waited to see if Tarzan would get out of bed. I mean, surely he heard the monitor. It was hard to miss. But he didn’t move an inch. Sigh.
I started to get out of bed, like I do every morning, & Tarzan (suddenly awake) says, “I’m sorry”.
Now, I’m sorry, but that’s the last damn thing I want to hear when it’s 5:30am. So of course, I said something. I said, “Don’t be sorry, just get up every once and a while. I do it every single morning.” Then he chimes in with, “Well I tried to get up with Monkey yesterday morning”. And then I just started to laugh. For real.
Yesterday morning Tarzan woke up because our dog was crying. Yes, if it’s not the baby, it’s the dog. He got up, closed our bedroom door, and went on about his business. About 10 minutes later I heard crying. From the monitor. Inside our room. The one that my husband “forgot” to turn off if he truly was going to let me sleep in.
Of course his excuse was, “I’m sorry. I’m just not used to getting up with him in the morning & forgot about the monitor.” You may not be used to turning off the monitor, but it’s been there, in the same place, for the past (almost) 7 months. Talk about annoying.
It’s all these little things, but they begin to add up & cause me to go off like a time bomb at any given moment. And I hate that I’ve turned into that wife/mom, but there’s a lot on my mind. Monkey screaming, the dog crying, Monkey crying, the dirty dishes that need to go into the dishwasher, the laundry that needs to be done, the house that needs to be cleaned, the errands that need to be run, and on and on and on.
And where’s my time in all of that?! Once Monkey goes to be, I’m exhausted & ready for bed too. It’s a freakin’ endless cycle and I wish that I didn’t get so annoyed at my husband, but he creates more work for me at times. I wish he helped out more, all while knowing that he has to work, but wishing that he had an “easier” job.
I’ll leave you with this last little gem. This morning I was trying to eat breakfast. Monkey has learned this new, um, “trick” with his voice & he makes it quiver likes he’s about to scream, but he’s just playing. Anyways, it sends chills up my spine. The dog was whining because she wanted some of my breakfast & Tarzan had escaped upstairs doing whatever he was doing.
I was about to lose it, so I yelled upstairs, “Can you come down & take Monkey & the dog upstairs with you? I just need like 10 minutes to eat in peace & have to myself.” Tarzan says, “You don’t have to talk to me like that.” So I reply with, “It’s not that I’m talking mean to you, I’m just frustrated. I wish you understood.” and he says, “I do understand”. Yeah, right (I didn’t say it out loud though.)
Clearly I had asked him to take the dog & Monkey upstairs & give me time to myself… so what does he do? He comes into the kitchen & whistles at Monkey (like he’s a dog) & starts making his breakfast. I feel myself getting so pissed off. He makes his coffee, gets everything ready for his meal, and Monkey is still making noises. I’m thisclose to tell Tarzan that Monkey is a baby, not a dog, but I keep my mouth shut.
Instead I say, “I asked you if you would take them upstairs & give me quiet time. Are you planning on doing that?” He says, “Give me two more minutes.” Why, oh why, was it so important that you make your breakfast at the exact damn time that I ask you to help me out???
And this, my friends, is why I get so annoyed so easily all of the time. I feel like I can’t win. I know that Tarzan can’t read my mind, but when I come out and ask him for help & tell him specifically what to do, he doesn’t do it.
So I can totally see how this life gets to be just too much for some & they opt for a divorce. But, while I can see it, I know that that is not in the cards for us… We just need to find a balance between us & FAST.
You might also want to read:
- Father/Child Outings: Does it happen often?
- Oh. My. Gosh. – Lunching with a screaming child makes me want to pull my hair out
- I can think of a million better ways to start my morning than to argue with my husband.
- A note to my child who is currently living in my wife’s pregnant belly.
- Thoughts about being a stay at home mom
= a post from Mommy Jane 
= a post from Daddy Tarzan
{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }
thank you so much for this post. we’re battling the same things right now and it’s driving me up the wall. its nice knowing other couples out there are dealing with the same stuff.
Jane – Oh. My. God. I could have written this myself! My son is the same age as Monkey and my husband and I both work, full-time, outside the home. Yet, while my husband is a wonderful father and tries to help out, I feel like I have three full-time jobs: employee, parent and housekeeper!
Just one example: my son doesn’t sleep through the night (not even close). On the rare occasion when my husband gets out of bed to tend to him him — even though most of the time he “doesn’t hear” the crying — he leaves the half-finished bottle out instead of putting it back in the fridge, leaves the baby wipes open and leaves the dirty diaper on the changing table. And it’s not even worth it then because if he gets up in the middle of the night, he wants to sleep in an extra hour.
Also, when he does the dishes (we don’t have a dishwasher), he gets water all over the counter and floor and doesn’t clean it up. It’s always just easier to do things myself.
I think it’s just how men are. Honestly. They’re not programmed like we are and they literally need to be told every single detail of what to do. I feel like I can spend my life arguing with him and fighting with him about it, or I can just do things myself and keep our marriage peaceful. I know that’s probably not the “right” thing to do, but that’s what I’ve decided I’m going to do.
Oh, I forgot to mention. My saving grace is that my husband is very willing to take the baby out to run errands on the weekend. So I give him a shopping list and he gives me an hour or two of peace! It’s wonderful.
Of course, when he comes back home, he rings the doorbell and tells me he needs my help with the baby so he can bring in the groceries. Oh well…you can’t have everything.
Ohhh, I hear ya, honey…
Oh, Jane. I could write this post, even now, and my monkeys are 8, 8 and 7! I have resigned myself to the fact that some men are just totally clueless, no matter how much and how long you try to train them. I’ve been trying for 10 years. I hope you do find the balance, though! Good luck!
The change that takes place in the relationship after baby arrives is the one thing no one really tells you about. You go to the birthing classes but nothing was mentioned about it. It was the biggest issue for us and we’re just beginning to settle in as we approach the 11th month. Our biggest fights ever have been since our daughter, Tessa’s birth. I hope things get better for you guys. It’s not comforting to know other couples go through this but I hope writing about it helps.
If I’ve learned anything since becoming a mom nine months ago, its this: my husband can’t read my mind.
He and I struggled a lot in the beginning, and moving from Vermont to Idaho when my son was 4 weeks old really tested our marriage. I had the same gripes as you, until I realized that whatever he neglects (trash piling up, little box being smelly, etc), he won’t understand unless I explicitly ask him. And he needs encouragement, too. When I came home from work and saw that he had folded several loads of clothes, I made sure to tell him how happy that made me. Now? My husband gets up with our son half the time and does things without complaint when I ask nicely.
Trust me, I understand how hard it can be. But as funny as it sounds, men seem to need you to tell them what makes you happy and they need to hear when they’re doing something right.
Hang in there….I can tell that even after 17 years of being married my husband will still “place” things on top of the overflowing trash can and then only takes it out once I ask and he, too never replaces the bag. Also, it is pretty much a daily thing that we use our dishwasher. Where does he put dirty dishes? ON the counter or in the sink because apparently I am the ONLY one who knows how to load things into the dishwasher. I will say this, they have to really get “it.” It is really because for the most part they aren’t programmed like we are, but that is NO excuse! My husband asked for something “visual” on the wall, like a list of what he could do to be helpful…..this might be something yours could agree with, too. Might help. Good luck!
I totally could have written this post! Especially the part about the trash! I’ve waited to see what he’ll do too and the trash gets piled up next to the can. It’s so annoying!
I was talking to a friend about this we both agreed that the problem with guys is that they only think to do the part of the task you ask them to do. For example, we would realize that when doing the dishes, we also clean up the sink, wipe off the counters, etc. He only does the dishes because that’s what you asked him to do. Or in the case of trash, they only think to take the trash out. I don’t get it.
I feel all super nag when I list out every little thing I need him to do, but I don’t know how else to get anything done.
This morning I got up at 6:45 am with Darling Girl, gave her breakfast, fed the dogs, fed the cats, ate my breakfast, and put the dishes in the dishwasher. It’s now 9:30am and I’m still the only one up with Darling Girl. Sigh is right…
It’s like YOU read my mind. I’ve been there too. Just when you need help and they say they’ll help you, they start doing something else that all of a sudden seems really urgent (like making breakfast). I don’t get it. Sometimes we have clear communication and things run very smoothly, other times, it’s like nothing either of us do is right. It can really drive a woman wild.
I’m currently trying to ask things more nicely…I’ve been told that how I ask makes a difference but I can’t always see the difference. Sometimes things are urgent so to me it does not make sense to say, “If you wouldn’t mind, will you please grab her PJ’s and diaper?” or, “If you have a sec, can you warm up a bottle?” It’s more like a hospital environment: “I need a bottle, STAT!” or “She’s about to roll off the couch, please grab her!” When it flies out of your mouth because it’s not just urgent but important, it’s hard to be sweet and demure! And if it were me, I’d jump up and grab her/the PJ’s/diaper/bottle STAT because I know what it feels like.
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t go through this after having a baby. It’s a huge adjustment and like you said, lack of sleep and energy leads to words being said out of anger and frustration. Been there and done that too. It’s okay to let Tarzan know how he can help you, but try not to sound angry (even if you are ). Men aren’t mind readers, but they can be wonderful helpers and fathers if you communicate with them. My hubby and I have these moments from time to time, but I can see how hard he is trying and I would hate to discourage any help he is offering. Sometimes the vacuuming doesn’t get done for weeks, but I leave it for him to do and it gets done. He likes to leave the dishes in the sink, which I hate…But if I leave them in there, he goes in to clean them up. I leave the trash and recycling by the door and he takes it out. Hang in there.
You’re right: You do need to find a balance. I’ve read posts by both you and your husband on your blog and it seems like the two of you truly love and care about each other, so don’t give up. It was never going to be an easy time- we just don’t know that until we experience it. I’ve been where you are and I understand completely.
Find that middle ground because although household duties are easier with just yourself and a baby (and they are, trust me), life doesn’t seem quite right when you do it alone. My girl does new things nearly every day and I’m the only one to experience that joy. Let me just say, sometimes it really sucks.
Take a deep breath (or have a stiff drink). You’ll get through it.
My baby is 19 months. I promise this will get better. When sleep comes, that will help. And all these crappy, over emotional, stupid arguements actually help you two figure out who does what. I think its a necessary part of marriage post-baby. Couples who don’t argue after baby . . . well, lets just say one member of the partnership isn’t around to argue with because they’re screwing the babysitter. Keep up the good work and tough it out! The fact that you aren’t 100% getting along means he still gives a damn! xoxo!
Your post just frustrated me with the very thought. But I will say this, if Tarzan isn’t taking out the garbage in a timely fashion now, I’m certain he wasn’t before the baby. Did you notice? Or does the baby make you notice more of the neglectful things the man does than before? I’m 4o weeks and 1 day and “the man” is a busy body around the house. He is always taking out the garbage, cleaning the kitchen and gardening and cooking, but I suspect he’s going to fall short in the sharing of “care for the baby” category. Though I think I’ll be able to cope as long as he continues to help with the household chores.
Well, you’ve just described my marriage. I always used to wonder why people would get divorced after having a child….why would you want to do it alone ? Probably because it would be easier ! It’s rough and it really feels like a lot of work to keep a marriage together after having children because of the stress.
I do have to say though that once our first son started sleeping and we all got some more rest, things got better..not perfect but better.
We’re going through a similar phase right now too…so I understand the frustration. My husband does help out in many areas, for which I am eternally grateful…but there are times that I feel he acts selfishly. I don’t have one minute to myself all day, and he doesn’t understand what that feels like. He is still mostly able to function as a free adult and do the things he needs to do when he needs to do them. I think the discrepancy in our roles creates a lot of friction in our household. Just try to remember that this is all new to Tarzan, as it is to you…and keep in mind that most of his nasty habits were there all along – and are only exacerbated now that there’s a child in the house and you have less time and patience to deal with them.
This post sounds so familiar and I am not due for another 12 weeks. Hubby has only two chores; take out the trash and clean out the litter boxes. The litter boxes only got added since my pregnancy since I am not supposed to do them. We currently have 3 bags of trash sitting around the full trash can along with a huge pile of other trash around it. The litter boxes haven’t been cleaned out in weeks. This is after I have asked him to do both multiple times. We both work full time, but I am still responsible for all of the dishes, laundry, and any other cleaning that doesn’t get done. He apparently doesn’t care what the house looks like, but I am getting really tired of it and I can’t do it by myself. I am just getting really fed up with it. It doesn’t matter if I clean the kitchen because you can’t tell with the huge pile of trash in the middle of the room. I have asked him every weekend since new years to get the boxes for the Christmas stuff out of the attic so that I can take down the Christmas decorations and he still hasn’t done it. So the tree is still up. My sisters are coming to help me paint the nursery and furniture because he won’t/can’t do it and it is not worth the nagging. However, I am hoping that he will replace the fan/light fixture in there.
Ok, this is a rambling rant. But I am getting fed up with the way the house looks and with getting no response when I ask for things. I will say in his defense that he has done very well with helping make dinner on the nights that I am just too tired.
(((HUGS))) As a mom to 5 kids I have been there. All I can say is make sure you keep communicating in a positive way with your husband about your frustrations and try and remember he is sure to be having troubles too. You need to make sure he understands what you need. I would write it out and then sit down with my DH outlining what I needed from him. I also made sure to be open to what he needed from me.
Make time for you both as a couple and not just parents. Get out at least once a week for an hour or two to recoup and recharge. Being a parent is the toughest job but the most rewarding. It is also so much easier if you and your DH can get on the same page and work together. Give it time. Those first 2 years, I would say, are the hardest but as your child starts to become more independant and happy about being with a sitter you can reconnect more and more.
Oh Jane I hear ya, My Man said last night he would get up tnhis morning and change our little girls Nappy, SO when morning come I was looking forward to the first morning ever of not having to get up and enjoy sleeping just a little bit longer.. Well here is what happened She woke at 7am (late for her she had already woken at 4 am for a feed but is normally up again at 6am. ) and I could hear her 15 mins later my man saids ok I am getting up to change her nappy. so he brings her to the bed not the change table, I said it will be easier to change her on the table rather then the bed but he knows better.(the truth was that he did not want to move the toys from her cot back into the cot and off the change table.) SO he completely undresses her and tried to change her nappy no wipes or nappy bags on hand and then keeps asking me questions about what he should be doing I have to hold her while her get the wipes and nappy sacks . her gets back then said she is wriggling too much I can not do it I need help,I get frustrated take over nappy back on her in 2 seconds I go back to bed and leave him to redress her. I get up 15 mins later and find the nappy in the sack on the floor at the bottom of our bed, as she sleeps in our room and change table is in our room so is the nappy bin to steps away but that was too far away to put it there.
Then this evening I am cooking dinner, doing dishes and little one is fussing getting louder and louder till she is screaming and he is in the next room completely unaware of what is happening I just scream out I need help no, Even with her screaming he doesnt get that i can do everthing at once
oh well what can you do I love him I just wish he would help a little more
Jane, it sounds like you have everyone’s full support. I think we all feel this way alot of the time. I’ve only been married for 5 years, but we have 2 kids under 5 and I have a wonderful husband who does alot around the house. Alot of stuff not the way I would do it. Always the things that I think are least important, but I really think that no matter what he did I wouldn’t be totally happy with it. I have just learned to appreciate that he does anything at all. I just hate how I can tell him 1 thing to do, and he’ll do a bunch of other stuff, but not the 1 thing I really needed. Then he doesn’t understand why I was peeved.
I’ll give you a great example. My husband was going out of town for a fun trip with his dad. I asked him to please lower the mattress in my son’s crib before he left because he was so close to climbing out. Guess what he forgot?! And guess who climbed out of his crib and onto his head on the laminate floor the second day he was out of town! Poor Miles. But it all turns out ok in the end.
You could be a jerk and post step by step checklists next to the garbage can, and whatever else chores he does. But really I just think guys are oblivious.
I don’t think it was until my oldest was 15 months that I felt like we really had a handle on things. The first year with the first baby can be really hard on the relationship. So long as you two keep trying, I think you’ll find the balance you need. Then, if you have another one, you have to readjust where the middle point is, but it’s not as bad.
I think because the first year is such an involved time with the baby, it’s hard to stay on top of the grown up relationships. We’re going to be having a surprise third baby, so we get to do this again, but the husband has been really sweet lately and helpful with cleanup, etc.
A wise friend (with 3 kids) once told me that even in the best of circumstances the woman ends up doing 70% of the work.
I agree with everyone that you have to spell out exactly what you want done which can be frustrating because then you are the nag. Also, I agree about complimenting your husband but that too is annoying. No one compliments me on folding laundry or doing the dishes. It’s just expected that I do these things but you have to fawn all over your husband when he does something that you do every day.
I can so relate to feeling like you went from a married woman to a single mom of two kids. I feel like I am constantly nagging my husband to do things that seem totally obvious to me. There is a constant list of to do’s going through my head, and never does he seem to find any urgency with anything to do with the kid or the housework. In fact, it never matters to him if it gets done at all.
He also rarely does the things I ask him to do, unless I ask about ten times or more. It’s very frustrating, and he just doesn’t get why it bugs me.
I can see how marriages fall apart after you have kids, and how wives feel like they never catch a break of any kind, and they start to resent the husband whose life hasn’t really changed all that much in all of it.
I do acknowledge that there are some great things my husband does, but most of the time I have to ask him to do it, and more often than not, more than once. It’s not easy to feel like a nag.
And after my long exhausting day my husband often wonders why I’m never in the mood for sex… maybe if I had a bit more help I’d have the energy, but when 9pm rolls around it’s lights out for this Mama!
12 weeks to go and I already knew this would be an issue. My husband and I were HS sweethearts. We went through this when we first moved in (I graduated before he did & moved in with his Mom when I started college), when we got our first apartment, when we moved into a house, and with the addition of each pet we’ve ever owned. On top of the usual “guy” definition of dirty vs. ours, he’s got an issue with smells. At one time I didn’t believe it… until I watched him gag (then puke) his way through cleaning one of the 4 litter boxes our 8 ferrets use. On one hand it was comical, but on the other I totally love my man and don’t want to see him going through that much discomfort.
We’ve found ways to compromise… I let dishes pile up for a few days then nag at him to put them in the dishwasher. I make him start the laundry and get it to the point of folding, then I fold it. The list goes on. It really comes down to me acknowledging that I have OCD issues, and he could care less.
Having a little brother & sister helped me out a lot tho. I’ve learned that I can either let everything get to me, or I can breathe and remember that we’re all different. In fact, my “charming” brother taught me the importance of laughing at life. So, now I just make a joke of it. Rather than getting all sorts of bent out of shape about the trash going out and not having a new trash bag I joke about using something of his as a trash bag until he gets in there and finishes his job. Even the worst comment comes out better if you throw in a smile.
About the baby thing… I’ve come to accept that my husband won’t ever live up to my standards. We’ll get through it though. And if it really comes down to me needing some me-time, I’m not above pumping in advance and handing the kid off and leaving the room/house so I can’t be cajoled into helping with the stuff I’m trying to get away from.
It’s good that you have a place like this to vent, but its time for you to realize that boys will be boys. Give it a few more years and it’ll feel like you’re taking care of two children all the time. Once Monkey gets the hang of being a big boy, he’ll be making a mess and leaving it for Mom all day… and kids tend to pick up on the habits of their parents. He’ll be determined to get away with everything Daddy gets away with.
Chin up though – you’re a strong woman with a loving husband and a wonderful little boy. You’ll get through this just like you’ve gotten through everything else, one day at a time. Keep talking to your husband, and teach your son how to communicate, and you’ll find that a lot of the stress you’re dealing with isn’t that important… it’s just stuff that annoys you.
I know that Tarzan gets guys’ night out… but I haven’t seen anything about you getting girls’ night out. Have you thought about taking time away from Tarzan and Monkey? It’s not easy to seperate yourself, but it might help you de-stress a little so you can get your perspective back. Also, make sure you guys get some time as a couple – and that it’s not around your mutual stress factors. Make sure you have a good time and laugh some so that when you do come back to the house its easier to talk about the serious stuff.
Life isn’t easy… but it can still be enjoyable. Enjoy all the little moments that you can, and learn how to get through the rest. When you’re old and grey you’ll laugh about this stuff giggle about how the kiddies make a big deal out of the small stuff.
~Becca
Las Vegas, NV
Ah, the lovely game of Baby Monitor Chicken. I play it almost every morning. As soon as I get up and pull my blanket over my space on the bed I hear “do you want me to get him?”… Um, yeah, like before I got up to do it. Thanks.
And it must be some defect on the Y chromosome that prevents a man from replacing a trash bag in the can after trash removal. My husband does that ALL the time! I usually don’t find out he didn’t put the bag in until the next morning (trash gets done at night around here since pickup is at six a.m.), when I go to throw something away, and of course DH is lonnnnnggg gone to work. Go figure!
My husband always pulled this garbage with me. I left him. And to be honest, it’s better to be a nineteen year old single parent than to feel like an under appreciated doormat.
But I believe you and Tarzan love each other enough to work out a compromise. It takes two…Tarzan needs to commit to change and fast before the permanent resentment sets in.
I seriously remember the fights, the irritability…the lack of sleep! It can so take a toll on marriage!
I found you through Postpartum Progress. When I was struggling with ppd and post-partum ptsd I tried to find some sort of online community for people blogging about those things. I couldn’t, and now that I’ve recovered, I’m hoping to create something like that for others who are currently struggling. So I’ve started listing blogs about PMDs and have featured yours. I am hoping to be able to do a weekly “round-up” featuring what bloggers are writing about ,and highlighting those who could use some “commenty” support. I’d love it if you’d stop by, check out the “round up,” and, if you have some time, visit some of the bloggers who could use some support. Thanks so much for your blog!
Dear Tarzan
Would LOVE you to be a Guest Blogger on my Monday Male series of posts over at A Peek Into Our Lives. Are you interested in writing for something from a man/dad’s perspective? I’ve been following you ever since you Tweeted Jane’s birth on Twitter.
Love the blog.
ADaftScot
aka Gillian
info@redpepa.za.net
We have a few days like that too, but in all honesty I can’t complain, but having a baby requires alot of compromise. We are both in our 40’s and we just had our first date night since baby was born 7 1/2 months ago. It was great, it was nice to spend some time alone to reconnect and just talk about us and what we wanted to do in the next few months as far as projects. When it comes to baby, I have that tone of voice when I ask him to do stuff that drives him crazy-even though I don’t mean too… it just comes out that way. There has to be some give and take, you want to go out with your buddies, I want to take a bath and have some Mommy time….its tough I agree, don’t give up.
I’ve been married for almost 10 years and when we first had our baby it was practically the same. I was fortunate to have an grand-aunt who has been happily married a little over 60 years and she gave me some wonderful advice to help me survive those hard months. First of all Jane, you have to keep in mind that Tarzan cannot read your mind, second, men’s brains and women’s brains are wired DIFFERENTLY, extremely different. This has a lot to do with the problems couples have after a baby is born. Women use both sides of the brain at the same time, men use only one at a time. When men are using one side of the brain, information doesn’t go to the other side, practically the other side “shutts off” resulting in a very different way of seeing things and understanding things…this is why so many times men can’t understand exactly what women want. They process the information differently and while for us many task are automatically correlated -changing diaper, clean after, etc. — for them they are not. Men tend to separate tasks and go one by one. Therefore, be direct with him when you want something: example changing the diaper, would you please change the diaper, close the wipes box, pick the diaper and throw it in the garbage. Garbage: take garbage, out, put new bag in, etc… It worked a lot with my husband so I always recommend that to new moms.
Also, sometimes we feel so cranky we forget that some positive reinforcement helps a LOT. If he changes monkey’s diaper (even if he doesn’t do it the way you like it) say thank you for changing the diaper. If he does something good, tell him that you think he did a good job. Saying positive things to your husbands is something that bejefit a relationship immensly, and many times we forget to bring that in because we are so immerse in the negative that we forget to see the positive things. If you start bringing the positive things more to you and let go a little some negative things, more positive will come to you. And you know what else, let him know that you love him a lot but the fact that you are extremely tired, overwhelmed, with a lot of work just gets you frustrated.
It is amazing how when you go and talk to a husband and a wife separatly, the wife will have the same complain as you, while the husband will say “my wife doesn’t let me help, I try to help but she constantly critizes me, she doesn’t like anything I do, she is always in a bad mood, therefore I stop helping” and when that happens men start pulling away. When you explain to the husband what happensa with the wife, their answer 90% of the time is “I didn’t know”….and they really don’t because their brain work differently. Try to keep those little things in mind and put it into practice. I am sure you two love each other a lot, and I’m sure that will hep you. It helped my marriage a lot and I was very surprised how my husband started to help more after only a little praising for me, and how good he would do somthing after giving him a direct idea of what I wanted. After 10 years I can say that those little details helped to make my marriage stronger and improved our communication.
Hi Jane, I so agree with Becca. I remember your post about missing the bachelorette party. You had valid reasons to sit that one out, but at the same time, you might reconsider your take on a day (or even overnight) trip without Monkey. It will give you a chance to unwind and have some alone time. It will also give Tarzan a chance to be the sole caretaker of Monkey for a short time. Perhaps this will allow him to experience parenthood from a different perspective (yours!). I also read Tarzan’s post a while back where he attempted to get up with Monkey so you could sleep in. He tries hard but feels inadequate compared to your expertise! Maybe you don’t feel like superwoman, but to your husband and baby, you are! That being said, having some alone time with Monkey will help Tarzan test his daddy skills while you get a break. My husband and I are new parents to a 3-month-old, so I know how hard it can be. But hubby tries hard to be a good dad and husband so I do my best to encourage him even when he doesn’t do things quite the way I’d like them to be done. Good luck to you and Tarzan, I hope things get better!
What a great post. I know where you are coming from, but I know for me, it’ sometimes, ok, most of the time, my lack of communication skills. For example, I went to NYC for 2 days with my sister, leaving B at home for the first time EVER. The next day, I decide to take B out for some errands to give Daddy a break. I come home to find him napping, not a problem. BUT, B just had a blow out, again, not a problem. The problem was I went to get a diaper and there were none. She’s already stripped down to her diaper, sh*t everywhere, and no diaper. The unopened box is is the closet and I have to get those, open the box, open the wrapping, and clean her, etc. I just lost it! I screamed, “Get the hell up.” He came downstairs I’m freaking out at him. Oh my. Why didn’t he just refill the damn diapers. I was angry. After it was over, I realized there were a million better ways to deal with the situation, but I blew up.
I do that with other things. I’ve realized, I just need to communicate with him. If he still doesn’t get it, try communicating nicely again, and if he still doesn’t get it, I’m leaving the phone book on his desk with it dog eared for a marriage conselor, because I don’t know how else to communicate. I just need to learn to commuincate is nicely the first time…
I was discussing this with my mom and I thunk everyone goes through this. She told me when my sister had had their first, her husband did the exact same stuff. My sister would just tell him (nicely) what to do. (Like could you hand me the wipes, could you go get the baby, or just ask him for help with things.) Now he is the best dad and husband ever. (I never knew this about him) He changes the kids (they now have 5), cleans, cooks sometimes and plays with the kids. Without being asked!! My mom said just to ask continually until they start doing it more. We girls have that natural instinct to get up and pick up the baby when they are crying or clean up after ourselves or whatever. Guys DO NOT!! My mom said she wishes she could redo things. She wishes she would have just asked for help instead of bottleing it all up and then yelling at my Dad when he wouldn’t read her mind and just do things. We have to just tell them what to do and hope eventually they will learn and start helping more. I know I will have the same exact issues with my husband too. I am more reserved and quiet and don’t ask for help most of the time. And even now I am 38 weeks and I am lugging the hamper around and my husband offers to get it for me and I say no even though I really do need his help. And then I give in and let him help me and I wonder why I said no in the first place. I think we think we can do it all ourselves. And we can’t.
Point of the novel=Keep asking for help when you need it. It’s so freakin frustrating and I wish they really could just read our minds and know to help out but they don’t. Keep comunicating and telling him things he could do to help out around the house. Guys need help knowing what to do. Good luck with it.
I understand. Just last night the hubby was telling me he would get up with our baby at the 2am feed so I could sleep. 2am comes and the baby cries and of course my husband doesn’t hear him….. So I wake him. He gets up, gets hisself a drink, gies to the bathroom, all the while my 4 week old baby is still screaming. Face red. Tears rolling down cheeks. I don’t know how he can stand to hear him scream like that. So of course I have to get up and pick him up while my husband is taking his time using the bathroom. At that point I was more awake and frustrated than if I would have just gotten up in the first place. Men…. Can’t live with em….. Can’t live without em!
It seems that all men are like Tarzan, my husband included. I had to chuckle at your post because some of it was exactly the fight my husband and I have. My baby is 8 now. Good luck and know you are not the only one
I have no idea whether this is going to be helpful or not, but I’m a professor and teach about motivation at work but the same principles apply to motivation in other areas of life. This stuff applies to both men and women and can move us past the “men just don’t get it” argument towards some helpful solutions. I apologize in advance if this is annoying or obvious (I’m really writing with the best of intentions).
There are a few common culprits of lack of motivation (at work, to exercise/diet, to kick a habit, etc). (1) Lack of commitment to the goal: Maybe Tarzan doesn’t care about maintaining the same level of cleanliness as you. Maybe he is okay with things being messier than you are. If it’s not as important to him, he’s not going to be as focused and motivated about it. It’s not fair to expect him to show enthusiasm for a goal that isn’t important to him. (2) Lack of self-efficacy: People aren’t going to be motivated to achieve goals that they don’t have confidence they can achieve. When people feel that they have no chance of success, it destroys motivation altogether. Perhaps lowering your standards and showing appreciation for what he DOES DO might help boost his confidence and make him feel like there is actually the potential for him to do something “right.”
So, suggestions would be (1) have Tarzan participate in decision-making about the appropriate level of cleanliness and/or the expectations for his helping in a purposeful conversation – not just when you’re frustrated (2) set specific, measurable, attainable goals for cleanliness (3) find other rewards to motivate him, like some “alone time” with you once things are clean
(4) try positive reinforcement and confidence boosting behaviors on your part.
Okay, that’s all for now. Again, I’m sorry for getting all professorial on this issue, but sometimes it’s a helpful perspective.
I tried doing all the chores myself just to make it easier but that only works for so long then I get really overwhelmed when other things I need to do don’t get done. So my husband asked me to make a laundry chart, for example, that he can look at and refer to so he can start doing a lot of the laundry. It’s a start! He does a lot of fixing and remodeling around the house but cleaning and not living like a pig is somewhat tough for him. He is learning though.
That does sound rough! I don’t have a baby yet, but I can see my husband in your story. The whole trash thing made me laugh becaue it’s the same fight we have! I remind him to take out the garbage then I have to put the bag in…so annoying.
Dear, I don’t know how you can expect him to really know what to do if you don’t ever give him the opportunity to do it on his own. He needs a day in your shoes. And by all means, let him have it. Hang in there!
Oh and I forgot to mention the Bin issue is universal even in Australia we suffer from the same problem…. I just dont bother asking now and do it myself I find it way easier…
I jus dont get men in that regard, my man will go from not doing a thing for months then just decide one day that the way i do things is not good enough and he will spend hours cleaning just one room i dont get it but hey I am not a man and he is not a woman I guess that is why there are book call men are from mars women are from venus cause it is so true
Quit your sniveling already Jane. You don’t want to become known as the Jon & Kate of the blogosphere, do you?
My fiance and I went through something similar recently. We’re not even married so it makes it a little weirder to have problems after a baby. Of course he has a legal responsibility to take care of our child but not me. Anyway, I can give you a suggestion that seemed to work for us. “Talking it out” doesn’t really work. Both parties get way too emotional and things get out of hand. After a pretty bad argument in the car, I stormed upstairs to go to bed. I woke up to find a letter from him. It was well written and explained the things he loved about me but some of the things that I did that hurt and frustrated him.
I wrote back to him with an answer to why I’ve done things and what I wanted to do in order to fix the problems we have. I’m sure the trash really bothers you, but he probably doesn’t know why or what needs to be done. I think if you explained to him that the whole process is short and would greatly improve your mood he’d make more of an effort. He can’t read your mind, but I’m sure his memory isn’t so horrible. Maybe you need to tell him that you need a day to yourself every week. He works a lot, but I”m sure he can handle a baby for a couple of hours.
Taking care of a baby is hard. I think working is harder though. He has the stress of having to support your entire family on his shoulders.
grrrrrrrrr…..mike
I hear you… and by blogging it out for Tarzan to read I hope you feel better.
I am ever so lucky with my bloke – he may be the only male on the planet who WIPES COUNTERS when washing dishes, and he replaces the bin bag when he takes the trash out. Of course, since I had our baby and became the stay-at-home-mom he doesn’t do either of those things any more!
How do I cope with the feelings of irritation? Every now and then I stand back, look at all the housework and baby-wrangling I do and say “this is my job”. I could go back to work and pay someone to clean the house and look after the baby… but I want to do these things myself! Obviously this logic only works if you are a SAHM…
I went through a very annoyed phase when our baby was about 6 weeks old because I felt my husband wasn’t helping enough. I nagged and sniped and through passive aggression he stopped doing even the smallest things for me like making me a cup of coffee when making one for himself! Gee I was cross!
So then I flipped it the other way. I praised him for anything he did, thanked him for thinking of me when he made me a coffee, and …this could be super-controversial… I gave him an unsolicited BJ one morning when the baby had had me up and I got back to bed around 7am! I didn’t feel like it, god no! But I knew it would make his day and cancel out all the bad feelings he was having. What a change! Suddenly he couldn’t do enough for me – he washed up and took out the trash and cooked for me – for the first time in weeks!
I only did that the one time (BJ’s are not my favourite thing, if I’m in the mood I want to be receiving some too dammit!) but it sorted out a lot of problems.
I know you are tired. I know you are doing just about all the housework and night feeds. I know you feel someone should be looking after YOU for a change.
Maybe Tarzan just needs a bit more incentive to want to please you…
PS. I once trained an ex to bring his dirty plates and cups to the kitchen by remarking how many more cockroaches I was finding in the living room, “maybe it’s the dirty plates WE leave in here”. Perhaps the same “observation” near the trash can will get your blokes to take the muck out in a timely fashion? Most men loathe roaches!
Oh god that scares me. I’m not married but pregnant and happily living with a wonderful man. I’ve read the stats though and try to stay positive and hope it won’t happen to me.
I’ve never posted on your blog before but have beenn following for a few months. I think after reading post after post of unhappiness you need to get up and do something with your life Jane. You are too young to be a SAHM obviously…you aren’t happy with your life no matter how you try to sell it on yourself. I have a 4 year old and a 1 1/2 year old and I tried the SAHM thing, it didn’t work at all and I ended up driving myself crazy as well as my husband. I am a year older than you. You have to do something for yourself or you will regret it later in life. Don’t depend on Tarzan to take it upon himself to help you. Leave him no choice. Take action. Get a part time job to get you out of the house. And if work REALLY isn’t your thing, then at least leave Monkey with Tarzan a few nights a week while you go out and do something for yourself. Don’t feel guilty. You will end up a loser in this situation if you don’t do something soon. Your son is almost 7 months old, and you, whether you’d like to admit it or not, have been struggling with this change of life the whole time. From one mom to another, always remember, if you aren’t making yourself happy, you aren’t going to be able to make your family happy. *Hugs*
I hope you feel better and you know – you totally read my mind. I have the same issues with my hubby. I hate nagging and I can’t even post this on my blog because he can take down my site. Yep, he’s used it against me before! Anywhoo…I everything gets better
I could’ve written this! Written so well. I know just how you feel. I had two babies 1 year and 1 day apart and hubby doesn’t understand why I get frustrated so easily.
Um, wow. I know this has been said many times, but it was like reading my own diary or something. Having read your getaway posts, I know things are improving between you two, which is encouraging for me. I’m a SAHM but I also work full-time from home, plus anything and everything that’s considered a house chore. I get really frustrated that I have to ask DH specifically for help. Otherwise, nothing will ever get done. I’m looking to your example as encouragement and hope things improve here too. Thank you so much for sharing!!
This post is exactly my life. I did tell my husband our little girl was not a dog. He was getting ready to feed her a bottle and of course once she sees that bottle she starts to get impatient and cry. He was holding it in front of her and telling her if she would calm down she could get it. She’s 6 months old, she DOESN’T UNDERSTAND YOU! I said, “Give her the bottle or she will start to choke when she drinks.” He said, “I’m waiting for her to be quiet so she learns to not be that way then she will get the bottle.” I said, “She’s not a dog that you train.” He rolled his eyes and didn’t get it. Pissed me off. and the whole garbage, no trash bag thing. Yeah, I get the same thing. Why not finish the task. I do when I take the trash out. UUHHHH! Oh well, they just aren’t thinking. Mine has lots of opinions about everything from how to feed our baby to what color paint we should paint a room and he never sides with me usually. Gets frustrating. But I love him and we eventually work it all out. He’s amazingly loving and caring and is a great Daddy, just does the damndest things sometimes.