First, I’m not divorcing my husband.
I got SO many emails & tweets about just “hanging in there” & that’s totally been my plan… but thanks to everyone who tried to convince me to stay married. :)
The truth is, divorce is not an option & I knew that we just needed to have a good talk about all that’s going on. After I wrote the previous blog post, I went upstairs, handed Monkey to Tarzan, told him that I needed a break (he said “another break already?”), & went into the guest room & shut the door.
I was crying my eyes out. Call me emotional or just an overwhelmed stay-at-home mom. The point is that I was at my breaking point & was exploding. I was crying hysterically, like someone close to me had just died. It was ridiculous & I knew that it was time to have “the talk”.
At first we were both a little stubborn & didn’t seem to be paying attention to what each other was saying. But when we started to listen, it was amazing.
I told Tarzan that it’s hard. Staying at home with Monkey can drive me nuts at time. I worry about having the house clean, doing the dishes, the laundry, going grocery shopping, etc. Sure, it’s all pretty mundane, but it can get super overwhelming for anyone that is at it 24/7.
Tarzan told me that he tried so many times in the past to help out, but I criticized everything he was doing, making him feel like he wasn’t doing anything right. He said that he just shut off & totally focused on work stuff because that made him feel good.
Strangely enough, men need to be praised & to be told that they are doing a good job, whether it’s changing a diaper or taking out the trash. Of course I don’t understand it – It’s not like I get words of praise when I fold clothes, but I’m not going to worry about that.
After talking for a couple of hours (really), we both promised that we would try harder in the future. Tarzan would try to help out more & give me breaks when he sees that I need it. I promised that I would stop beating him down & thank him for the help that he gives.
While it’s just been a few days since this big talk, we are doing much better. We are both on the same page & even though it’s tough, I’m not keeping score anymore. The other day the trash was getting full & Tarzan was still asleep. Instead of getting annoyed & letting it build up inside of me, I took the trash out. & when Tarzan woke up, I didn’t mention a word about it.
See, I’m trying.
Monkey was extremely difficult yesterday. He screams for fun & I can’t stand the noise. It’s horrid. He was fussy & nothing pleased him. Usually I know what the kid wants, but yesterday was a different story. Nothing seemed to make him happy (teething, perhaps?).
Anyways, Tarzan came downstairs to show me something & when I was finished watching it, he asked why I was crying. He thought the video he created had made me cry, when instead I was just frustrated with Monkey & needed some time away. Without even having to ask, he told me to do whatever I needed to do & that he was going to play with Monkey until bathtime.
It was wonderful & what I needed to recharge.
I see us both going the extra mile with each other & it’s nice. It’s refreshing & just what we both need.
As a total side note: You know those girls who think that having a baby will make their relationship with their husband/boyfriend so much better? Geez, what a letdown that has to be when said baby comes & life as they know it changes completely. A person really needs to be in a good, solid relationship before having kids because even when they are, it still can be a bumpy road at times.
It’s amazing what a little communication will do in a marriage, isn’t it?!
You might also want to read:
- Follow-up to previous post about postpartum depression
- Update below post about uncomfortable feeling in my pregnant belly/pelvic region
- A quick post about our previous pregnancy blogs and baby blogs: Plus Our One Year Anniversary!
- Postpartum weight loss update… if you want to even call it an update
- Update to in-laws being in town for 2 weeks after baby Tarzan is born
= a post from Mommy Jane 
= a post from Daddy Tarzan
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
I think you hit the nail on the head with the sidenote–I think a baby puts A LOT of stress on your relationship/marriage. Best wishes to you!
You know, DH and I had a similar discussion this year about 9 days after my DD was born. It sucked, but it was all stuff that had to be said. Kudos to you for sticking it out!
i haven’t been following you as much as I would like, but reading your post got me to thinking that you are so right about how people misjudge and have such wide range of misperceptions on what a baby can do to a marriage. It takes a lot to keep it together and Thank God you guys are starting with baby steps to get over this small hurdle. My motto in life is “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” and I am fond of that parable phrase “This Too Shall Pass”…from a practical note, I ‘m not sure what you are into but I would highly recommend Stroller Striders, mom groups, window shopping, library story times, county gyms for babies and any other indoor or outdoor activity that will get you out and moving about and most importantly interacting with other moms in real life who may be going through what you are going through and can offer tips, guidance or at least a soundboard to vent to…again, I don’t know what constraints of time and how the temperament of monkey may impact you following my advice, but you really really need to get out more and spread your wings (baby in tow and all)!
Thanks for the update. It seems like you and I are going through similar things at similar times, and I really appreciate your honesty.
I am definitely learning to pick my battles. If something’s easier to do myself, I just do it and don’t stew over it. And I’ve also given my husband a few “nightly chores” (like cleaning the cat box and setting up the coffee maker) that he does EVERY night, so he always remembers and never screws them up. That really helps.
Good for you guys! Communication, compassion, empathy, and understanding are crucial in a marriage, especially with an infant. My ex husband and I had a great relationship before the baby because we both had freedom and could easily relate to each other. It fell apart all too easy, but in our case it was for the best. No use having our daughter growing up with bitter, angry parents. Now that we are apart, ex hubby has taken more of an interest in baby. I’m proud of you two for making an extra effort towards the good of your relationship!
I am so happy that you and T are working it out. Parenthood is just so overwhelming. And a big balancing act: taking care of baby, the house, yourself and each other–not to mention if one or both parents have a “day job, ” ya know? My husband and I are still trying to figure out how to be husband and wife as well as mommy and daddy AND full-time working parents. SO. Overwhelming!
I commend you for being a stay-at-home mom. Most underrated job in the world! I’m not sure I could do it, though I do think about it a lot.
lol I knew you weren’t leaning towards divorce or separation or anything like that. I’m glad you have this blog so you can vent to “unbiased” people. Raising a kid is incredibly challenging (as I’m finding out with a 4 week old) and is unbelievably stressful on your relationship with your spouse. It’s so nice to read your blogs and know that we are not the only ones who feel this way!
Just for the record, I also don’t get the “praising your man” thing. It kinda sucks to do, but if that’s what makes them tick… *sigh* I guess that’s just the way it goes
Jane good on you for having a talk with T. I find that week days when hubby is at work that it is way less stressful even thou i am on my own and have to do more but i find it hard when their is some one home capable of helping and them not wanting to help. I would find it so hard if hubby was working from home so I think you guys are doing a great job and I kow you guys will iron out the small issues you have had.
That’s so wonderful that you’re willing to be so honest about this. Our relationship has really changed and hit some bumps since baby came along too. I totally agree that a relationship has got to be on really solid ground before baby comes along. I don’t see how having a baby could ever make a relationship stronger. It’s so difficult (but well worth it!!). Kudos to you for taking a step back and communicating your needs with each other.
Hi Jane…. your posts are both about my biggest fear. We didn’t want to have a baby until after the wedding. I’m afraid that he and I will end up not getting married, because of the arguments that I know are on the way. I’m not saying that I don’t want my daughter, I’m just saying her coming is going to be the ULTIMATE test to our relationship.
Amen, having a baby does change a marriage. How it changes it up to the couple. I know hubby and I have “argued” more since having our little one. It’s over the stupid things that you mentioned, but we’ve talked it through and I’ve promised to be nicer and he’s promised to be more proactive around the house. Is it perfect? Nope, but we are trying.
I’m glad you are being open with each other. One thing I would do, is to take time for yourself, not only when you need it, but also when you don’t. I think that will make the stressful times of being a mom a bit easier when you have planned time to yourself. I know it works for me. It’s been easy to say, “Ok, I can get through this, because in a few hours I’m going to go get a manicure or go shopping, etc.” Having those planned nuggets of time is so nice to have.
Thanks for the update, and you did the right thing! Good for you two. Good communication and understanding are the key to a great marriage. I am so glad you two are going the extra mile and little things like what you both is what makes your marriage stronger over time.
I’m reading, “And Baby Makes Three” by Dr. Gottman and it is all about this subject. I’m glad you two are working it out.
Ah excellent… sometimes writing your peeves out is the first step to communicating them to your man. They really can’t read minds or body language or the hints we drop! Geez, our DOGS know we’re upset days before our men pick it up!
My mantra: “I can’t believe he’d say/do [whatever it is] to hurt me. Am I overreacting?” (this is especially good during PMS)