Being a mom has changed my life. I would do absolutely anything for my little boy. Anything. If he’s sad, I want to act silly so that he will smile. If he needs something, I’m right there asking how I can make it better. He’s my world.
I imagine I’m not alone in my thinking.
So where the hell are my parents right now? Where have they been for the past month? To say that I’m hurt is quite an understatement. I’ve never felt so alone in my life.
We told them about the plans to foreclose on our house back in December. Initially my dad was all, “How much money do you need? $100k, $200k? It’s just money.” My dad was all about helping us out. But my dad is very finicky as well.
He called me a week later & said that he & my mom wanted to buy us a house so we could have a fresh start instead of living in a house that we knew we would have to leave at some point in time. We all looked at houses, met with realtors, tried to make some decisions, & then realized that we should rent instead of getting into another mortgage.
Then we began the rent process. But then my dad said that we would have to pay him back, as he would initially front the cost & the monthly rent. It didn’t make sense to us to be paying rent somewhere when we could stay at our house without paying on it. After all, we got in this situation because we were in over our heads, so it was time to be smart about it.
I wasn’t too irritated with my dad & his ever-changing mind. To me, that’s just how he is. To my husband, it was annoying. One minute my dad was giving us a lot of money, as a gift, to stop the foreclosure. The next minute he was buying us a house, another gift. Then he was going to pay for our rent in a new place, but we would have to pay him back.
Nope, it didn’t make any sense.
So we stayed at our house & knew that time would run out soon.
You know, living in that house, while knowing we would get a letter & need to move out ASAP, sucked. It was constantly looming over our heads & I just felt like there was so much negative energy there. I wished that we could get out, but I knew that we didn’t need to rack up debt to anyone, especially my parents.
We were stuck & not in a good place any way you looked at it.
I remember coming home from a playdate on that Thursday. I was excited because I had just gotten off the phone with one of my friends, who had just booked a flight here to visit me at the end of April. I came in the door, totally on cloud 9 and saw a strange look on my husband’s face.
I had a feeling that I knew what his face was about, but I didn’t even want to ask. Obviously, I did & he showed me some papers. It was the official “get the fuck out of your house because you haven’t been paying your mortgage” letters. I cried.
And cried. And cried. Actually, for the rest of the afternoon I could be found with tears streaming down my face. I was a mess.
My husband didn’t get where the tears were coming from. He said, “You knew this was coming. You need to act your age.” The last thing he said really pissed me off. Um, ok jerk, just because I’m 30 years old means that I should be able to handle this? Nope, I don’t think so. I imagine it would be hard at any age.
Yes, I knew that this day would come, but holy hell, when it becomes reality… well, it’s just a whole different story then.
For some reason (probably it’s because my husband’s attorney said so), I thought we would have 30 days to get out of the house. Nope, she was wrong. We only had 14 days.
14 days to pack up a 3,500 square foot house, with a toddler. Holy fuck.
One of the first things we did was call my parents. We were on speakerphone & told them that we got the letter in the mail. My mom didn’t say two words the whole conversation & you could tell my dad was pissed. He had been semi-supportive up until then. I mean, he would never ask how we were doing or what was going on, but if we needed to talk to him about something he was there. No words of wisdom, but an ear to listen, which is better than nothing I suppose.
My dad said some pretty hurtful things to my husband during this conversation. We got off the phone with them & were quite speechless. Being my parents, I wish they would have acted different. Been more supportive, at least.
That conversation was on April 22nd. Since then my husband & dad have not spoken. My dad & I have only talked once & that’s because I needed him to sign something.
My mom, on the other hand, lives in a fantasy kind of world. I have no idea what she does with her days (she doesn’t work), but spending some of them with me & my son does not happen. She has her life & that’s completely fine with me. But after that phone call, she never called once to see how I was doing. To ask if I needed to talk. To see how we were holding up.
I guess she could have offered to help me pack or watch my son, but that’s not even why I’m so hurt. I just needed my parents during this rough time & they were absent. They weren’t there. I said it before & I’ll say it again, thank God for my friends.
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
It is all over the country. Yes, we always think our families should have our backs, but it does not often go down that way. I believe in my Creator.
I am sure everything will be restored to you in time because you seem like you a great spirit. It is always what you need to get through the worse of times before they become the worse of times.
Siera – I appreciate everything you said. It’s really easy for me & T to stop communicating, start arguments, & point our finger at each other instead of working to be a team. Not gonna lie, it’s just hard to try to keep up our relationship during these tough times, but I know that it’s ever so important to really be on a team. I love that you quoted Garth Brooks too. I know that there’s some sort of a plan for us & I know that ultimately we’ll get through this stronger than ever… sometimes it’s just difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Brandy – First off, I’m really sorry that y’all are in the same boat. It sucks, doesn’t it? I’m pretty sure that we stopped paying our mortgage in September or October & then we got the letter March 22, 2011. We had to be out of our house by April 5, so movers came on April 4. We have a realtor friend & he told us that our house goes to auction on that 14th day, so we moved out the day before. Also, he said that the locks get changed on the 14th day. We didn’t mess around & got out as fast as we could.
I guess we lived there w/o paying our mortgage for 6-ish months. Like you, our house was only in my husband’s name, so this foreclosure isn’t on my credit/name. I’m glad we did it like that because it’ll help if & when we ever want to buy a house again. Actually it’ll help with many other things, not just getting another house. Feel free to ask me any other questions & I’ll be glad to help you when I can.
Again, I’m sorry that y’all are in this situation & I hope that you keep your head up. It’s really hard & such a trying time in your marriage & just day to day life. Just do the best you can & try to remain positive. Good luck
We’re in the same boat. We can’t afford our home anymore. My husband and I used to have decent jobs. We’ve both been laid off several times in the past few years, each time having to take a job that has less pay and less benefits than the last. Then add in a baby and me not returning to work after maternity leave (laid off again), it is a bad spot to be in. How long did it take from first missed payment to 14 days? If you don’t want to answer publicly, would you e-mail me? Our house is in my name and I’m the financial person and I’m just freaked out.
Jane and Tarzan:
There are many things I want to say and I could probably right a book. First off Tarzan you didn’t fail your family. You took the fight instead flight and did the best you could given the state of the economy.
Jane, this is a tough time but you guys will get through this. Please talk to each other because obviously this will take a toil on your relationship and instead of blaming each other and fighting try let this make you stronger.
This may sound so silly but I’ll quote Garth Brooks and say sometimes God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. You don’t know how true this rings over some of the things I prayed for in the past and wouldn’t have today if God had had that prayer answered ie my son.
Tarzan: Take this time you have with Monkey. You’ll never get this time back with him. Having a partner in the military, when he’s out of sight sometimes he’s out of my son’s mind.
As for your parents I think WritewhereUr said it well. I wish that one of my parents was in the position to be able to give us that option or even lend me money for down payment on a house. The most I’d get is an almost free place to live if I needed to until I could get on my feet should I ever need to.
I marvel at the way things role in U.S. I live in Victoria, BC Canada and my partner makes more than enough for us to be able sustain a mortgage, but pay say $300,000 ish and only be able to get a 3 bedroom townhouse I’ll take our rental in hopes that the market dips enough to make it worth our while to buy. I don’t know how people do it I don’t. You will get through this guys, please communicate with each other and work on your marriage first and your relationship with your parents second.
WriteWhereUR – Thanks for your words of encouragement. I have no idea what my dad was/is thinking because he doesn’t communicate well. As far as him helping, it was just like he through out an idea & ran with it, until he thought of something else. Almost like he didn’t think the thought out completely before the words coming out of his mouth. Does that make sense? I’m not so sure he felt rejected bc it’s not like we just shot down his offer. Instead, we all talked about it face to face & it just didn’t seem to make sense to dig ourselves deeper in a financial hole by owing him money. If that were the case, I guess we would have just kept paying out mortgage. I have hope that we will all have a nice, healthy relationship at some point in time. I’m just honestly not sure when or how that will happen.
Maldives – Oh yeah, a 3500 sq ft house is so normal to have in this area. Actually I would say most houses where I live range from 3000-6000 sq ft & then we have some 10,000 sq ft and more houses. It’s crazy! And the Europe trip, that was from my parents. They took our whole family there for Christmas & New Years. We didn’t pay for a single thing. I can understand how you would have been thinking “What the hell are they thinking by foreclosing & spending money to go on a holiday”.
Mia- It is such a relief to be out of that old house. It symbolized so much for us just living there daily & I didn’t fully understand it until we moved out. It was when things started going wrong & downhill, so I’m thrilled to be out. Thanks!
I can always relate when you talk about your difficult relationship with your parents. So frustrating and hurtful. It sounds like getting out of the situation with your old house is a good one, and somewhat of a relief not having the inevitable hanging over your head like that. Good luck continuing to keep a stable environment up for Monkey.
I’m sorry to “watch” you go through this and thank you for continuing to share your life… I’ve been following your family almost since you started this blog.
I have to admit I thought the same thing as the 1st commenter… that your dad wants to help and tried… and contributing to a house payment is, in his mind, perhaps an investment that he would eventually get back… but rental payments… you don’t get back. From reading your previous posts over time I gather he isn’t the best communicator, but I think his intentions are there.
I also wanted to comment on a 3500 sq ft house… wow! that is big! I’m guessing that’s typical in your neighborhood (texas)? And a Europe trip in Dec? That caught my eye during a previous post after reading about money troubles. While I know you have reasons for these things, on the outside it screams ‘are you crazy’ after also witnessing your sadness.
I’m glad to read you are happier in your smaller apartment- sometimes you have to hit a ‘rock bottom’ before going up… hopefully the foreclosure letter was that and now bigger, better, brighter things are coming your way. All the best.
Just so you know…not judging here; because I don’t know you or your parents. I just thought your post was interesting because what you are going through is painful and is something that many other people can relate to what you are going through. You are a parent and have compassion with your sons ups and downs. On some level, it appears that at least your dad has some ability to relate to what you are going through; even if how he relates doesn’t make complete sense to you or your hubby in the way he sees it.
I am a bit confused about the breakdown of his offer to help you out of the foreclosure situation, or buy you a new house or help you with rent. Did these solutions come 1,2, 3 or was there a,” I could help you out of the foreclosure” discussion…and that was rejected as an option?
I ask that because in your first post you said…it was always the plan to sell after a few years and move on. Or, did he say…I could pay off your foreclosure, or I could just buy you a new home. Or did you and your husband made the decision to rent and he felt like it was a lessor option to the first two solutions? Maybe that is why he wanted you to repay the rental as opposed to the first two solutions being a “gift”. Isn’t it possible that he felt like a white knight riding to the rescue only to have you say you preferred to wait for a taxi? Sometimes our perceptions and opinions color our reactions to situations…he could have just been reacting to what he felt was a REJECTION of his solution.
Dads often feel like they have to “fix” what is wrong in their children’s lives. He probably felt like he had the answer to your problem and you “chose” to go a different route. Who knows? He could have helped “fix” it by just being there to listen and support…but maybe he doesn’t “understand” that.
Yes, it does seem a bit odd that your mom has been somewhat absent…not offering to at least help with your little monkey while you dealt with packing & other details. Many mothers would just automatically offer to do that. On the other hand, if your father felt resentment and rejection at his previous offers of help…maybe it would have caused tension between your mother and father had she stepped in to help in this way. Their relationship is definitely different than you and your husbands.
I am NOT saying that they handled this right or that you are in the right to feel hurt and abandoned. I am just saying that there are layers of complex emotions, and experiences that affect how we each see things from our own perspectives that can allow us to feel separated from those who should be closest to us in times of trouble.
Human nature is complex. I am sorry you are all going through this…and it is great that you have supportive friends who are there for you. The economy and financial stresses in our country are affecting us all. Make no mistake about it…it is hard and it is painful. But don’t give up on wanting better relationships with your parents…and keep expressing yourself and encouraging them to honestly express themselves as well. This is how you meet in the middle…when it is possible to do so!
I am glad that you are happy in your new home and that it appears to be the right choice in your family life right now for you. I pray that tensions can be eased between your family and your parents. These situations can be hard to get past. Honest and compassionate communication is the only way to work through these things…but, everyone has to be willing; that isn’t ALWAYS possible. Hang in there, and best wishes to your family!