After talking to the nurse today, I went ahead and scheduled the D&C for Monday at noon. Part of me feels a little relieved, but part of me is scared.
Scared because it’s surgery and I will be put under anesthesia. Scared because there’s a risk of scraping the uterine wall so much that scar tissue develops and I become not able to get pregnant again. Actually, this last one really scares me. I don’t know how big or small the risk is, but the fact that it’s there worries me.
I feel like D&C’s are pretty routine, but there’s always that chance. And I do want more kids for sure. I’ve never been so confused in my life.
Tomorrow I have to go to the doctor’s office to get paperwork to take to the hospital so that I can register for surgery and get blood drawn, so I plan on talking to the nurse or seeing if my doctor is available for a quick chat. Just to ease my mind, if that’s possible.
A million things are running though my mind:
I don’t want to bleed for forever if I don’t have the d&c procedure. I don’t want to feel selfish though. I’m scared to have surgery. I like the idea of surgery because I feel like it’ll give me the closest thing to closure. What if I wake up in the middle of surgery? What if I start to have pain and lots of bleeding this weekend and have to miscarry the natural way? What if I am never able to get pregnant again? What if I am able to get pregnant and another miscarriage happens? What if my son never has a sibling? Why is pregnancy and all that goes with it so damn complicated? Am I strong enough? Why me? Why me? Why me?
And most of all, I realize how precious a pregnancy is and I’m so beyond thankful that my pregnancy with Monkey was healthy and easy. I’m so grateful that I have a little boy sitting next to me right now. A little guy that hugged me yesterday when I couldn’t stop crying as he was saying, “Mama sad”. A little boy that doesn’t really get why I’m so sad but loves me so much and it almost makes everything okay.
Well, him and the beer that I’m drinking. They both almost numb the sad feelings I feel about going through a miscarriage.
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