Saturday, August 30, 2014

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Update: I’m having the D&C procedure

by Jane · 9 comments

After talking to the nurse today, I went ahead and scheduled the D&C for Monday at noon.  Part of me feels a little relieved, but part of me is scared.

Scared because it’s surgery and I will be put under anesthesia.  Scared because there’s a risk of scraping the uterine wall so much that scar tissue develops and I become not able to get pregnant again.  Actually, this last one really scares me.  I don’t know how big or small the risk is, but the fact that it’s there worries me.

I feel like D&C’s are pretty routine, but there’s always that chance.  And I do want more kids for sure.  I’ve never been so confused in my life.

Tomorrow I have to go to the doctor’s office to get paperwork to take to the hospital so that I can register for surgery and get blood drawn, so I plan on talking to the nurse or seeing if my doctor is available for a quick chat.  Just to ease my mind, if that’s possible.

A million things are running though my mind:

I don’t want to bleed for forever if I don’t have the d&c procedure.  I don’t want to feel selfish though.  I’m scared to have surgery.  I like the idea of surgery because I feel like it’ll give me the closest thing to closure.  What if I wake up in the middle of surgery?  What if I start to have pain and lots of bleeding this weekend and have to miscarry the natural way?  What if I am never able to get pregnant again?  What if I am able to get pregnant and another miscarriage happens?  What if my son never has a sibling?  Why is pregnancy and all that goes with it so damn complicated?  Am I strong enough?  Why me? Why me? Why me?

And most of all, I realize how precious a pregnancy is and I’m so beyond thankful that my pregnancy with Monkey was healthy and easy.  I’m so grateful that I have a little boy sitting next to me right now.  A little guy that hugged me yesterday when I couldn’t stop crying as he was saying, “Mama sad”.  A little boy that doesn’t really get why I’m so sad but loves me so much and it almost makes everything okay.

Well, him and the beer that I’m drinking.  They both almost numb the sad feelings I feel about going through a miscarriage.

You might also want to read:

  1. How do you know when a miscarriage happens naturally?
  2. Surgery tomorrow. Time to freak out.
  3. So I have this friend…
  4. D&C Surgery Update From Tarzan
  5. Update below post about uncomfortable feeling in my pregnant belly/pelvic region

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Ambria

I’m bawling my eyes out for you right now. Things will be okay. Everything will be okay. My sister miscarried a few months ago. Had a D&C and then got pregnant about two months later. Shes about 11-13 weeks along right now. You WILL be able to have more kids. Like you said in a previous post it was your bodys way of knowing that something wasn’t right. It was for the best even though it is horrible and something no one should have to go through. Sending lots of hugs and <3 to you and Tarzan. I'm so sorry <3

2 Lisa

Jane–I didn’t read through all the comments on your posts about this, but I just wanted to tell you I feel for you. I also wanted to make sure you’re prepared for how emotional you can be after a miscarriage. The hormones were there and now they are gone–add to that the trauma of the loss and it can be really rough to deal with. I know you struggled with post-partum depression before–mine was actually worse with one of my miscarriages than when I had my baby. Luckily my doctor had been in that position before too and warned my husband to expect it. (((HUGS)))

3 Lenny L

Monkey sounds like a wonderful child who cares a lot for his mama. I’m glad you have a good support system, Jane. Sending lots of prayers your way.

4 Steph

I had a D&C yesterday, and I was surprised to find that once it was over and I was at home, I really did have a sense of closure much like one would expect if they miscarried.

I made it almost to 14 weeks when I started bleeding and having cramps. I thought it was nothing, as I had a pretty hefty amount of blood around the same time when I was pregnant with my daughter, and it had been nothing. When the bleeding kept on, though, I went in for an ultrasound and found that the heart had stopped. It wasn’t measuring much larger than when I had my NT scan at 11 weeks, so no one was sure how long ago it had happened. There’s a chance that because I have an autoimmune disease akin to lupus, my immune system could have attacked the pregnancy, causing it to stop growing.

Because I was near 14 weeks, I thought I would be having a D&E, and that scared me. I didn’t want to take cytotec and feel cramps for hours while my cervix dilated. Thankfully, I didn’t have to do any of that. Laws where I live being what they are, I had to be referred to a women’s clinic since I didn’t already have an infection and the procedure wasn’t done to save my life. I was very nervous about going in and being judged, but everyone was so nice and sympathetic. There were only two other patients there, and they were treated just as kindly as I was.

I am very surgery phobic, but even though I was close to the second trimester, the procedure was very easy. Since I’d already had a vaginal birth, I was able to have my cervix manually dilated. I was terrified through the intake process, but the doctor was very nice. I had twilight sedation and highly recommend it if you’re nervous. It was great. I hate IVs, but the doctor promised it wouldn’t hurt nearly as much as one. He put a cannula in the vein I told him was easiest for drawing blood, then pushed two medications in: Valium and Stadol. He told me that I would feel nice and drunk in a few seconds, and sure enough, less than ten seconds later, I said, “Whooooa.”

I felt nothing. I did come around to some cramping right at the end, but it was so fast. Less than five minutes. They helped me dress, asked if I wanted to see a counselor, and fed me juice and animal crackers. The Valium stayed with me for a few hours, but by the time it wore off, I just felt at peace. Moreso than I have since I found out that I’d lost the pregnancy. I’ve had a decent amount of bleeding, enough to warrant wearing overnight pads, but nothing scary. Still, seeing the blood made it hit home. And I’m fine.

All that said, if I were in your position, I would be choosing a D&C as well. It’s a very fast procedure, and it’ll be easier on you if you do it now, rather than wait and hope you miscarry and then *have* to get it done. There are always risks, unfortunately, but honestly I don’t know a single person who had the procedure (for any reason), and had it affect their fertility. Doesn’t mean it can’t happen, but there’s no call to be unduly worried.

I’m very sorry you’re having to go through this.

5 Nikki

Oh, Jane, I’m so sorry. I’ve been there, I know the heartache of losing a baby. I didn’t have a D&C, but that was because when I went to the ER I was already miscarrying. Only you can know if you want to miscarry naturally or have the D&C. I was grateful the decision was made for me because I didn’t think I could do the surgical option. Hug Monkey lots and hold onto Tarzan for support. Grieve and don’t feel like you are taking too long to get over your loss. But (and I cannot stress this enough), talk to Tarzan about your feelings and don’t shut him out. My husband and I had such a hard time after we miscarried our first child because we dealt with our pain alone.

Keep the faith that you will get pregnant again. As much as it sucks, miscarriages are way too common. I was terrified when I got pregnant a second time, but I am happy to say I am blessed with a beautiful daughter now. If you decide to try again, one thing that may help is getting a doppler. Once they found the heartbeat in the first trimester, I bought one off of ebay and checked myself every day. It kept me sane.

If you need to talk, or advice, or anything, feel free to email me. Please let us all know how you are doing.

-Nikki

6 Aubrey

I forgot to say how sorry I am for your loss. I remember how devastated I was.
You mention that you don’t feel you “deserve” a D&C because there wasn’t really a baby growing. However, there was a baby there to you. You were excited, thinking of the future, and a part of you was already in love with that baby. Your loss is just as real as anyone else having a miscarriage. Take the time that you have to wait before you try again to allow yourself to grieve for that loss.

7 milly

I am so sorry for your loss. So sorry. I know your heart is sinking. But, from experience, this is nature’s way of saying “this wasn’t right”. Not your fault. Do you think that you might naturally expell before your Monday appointment? This is a natural process that happens all the time. Perhaps you won’t need more? I feel bad for saying this, but when I saw the ultrasound pic, I knew what was likely. Only from experience… if you can let your body deal with what is common and natural, it might help you make peace. Now just wasn’t the time. Nobody’s fault.

8 Jess L.

Thank you for posting this, you wrote exactly what I have been thinking and feeling for two weeks. As I started to read the questions you wrote I couldn’t stop crying, they are all thoughts I have had. I am sending you positive thoughts and will be thinking of you.

9 Aubrey

If it helps any, I had the EXACT same situation happen when I was 10 weeks along. I hadn’t been seen yet (actually my appointment was three days away) and when I started to bleed and rushed in, we found 2 sacs, no babies.
I choose to miscarry naturally because of the risk you talked about, and it really was just like a longer period. No more pain than a usual period, and it lasted maybe 7 days.
Do what you feel is right.

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