Thursday, November 20, 2014

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So I have this friend…

by Jane · 9 comments

You know what I hate?  When people act funny around you for a certain something.  It just makes everything awkward and it’s unnecessary.

One of my friends is acting this way right now with my D&C and it’s really getting to me.  She knew that I was pregnant and she knew that I was having surgery on Monday.  When I told her that I had a miscarriage and needed a D&C, she got weird and got off the phone real fast.  She sent me a text later saying that she was sorry that she didn’t know what to say.  I told her it was fine – it’s a sucky situation.

So today is Friday and I would have definitely thought she would have called or texted me to see how surgery went, but nada.  She could have texted my husband to see that everything was fine, but no.  Nothing.  There has been no contact whatsoever since last week.  Not even an “I hope you are doing okay and that surgery goes well for you”.  Or “I’m thinking about you”.  Or “I’m sorry that you have to deal with this.”

There’s been nothing, damnit.

I get that she probably doesn’t know what to say, but I’m getting more and more annoyed as the days pass.  I feel like I can’t be that much of an important person to her if she doesn’t even check in to see that I made it out of surgery.  I don’t know; I’m hurt.

The thing is, I cannot picture myself acting this way to one of my close friends ever.  Maybe I wouldn’t have the most perfect words to say, but I would “be there” any way that I could.  I just don’t understand it…

And frankly, I can’t see me getting past this to make our friendship normal again.  I can’t just brush this under the rug because it’s a huge thing that happened and it was really emotional.  It was a part of me and she wasn’t there.  Eh, I don’t know.

What do y’all think?

You might also want to read:

  1. D&C Surgery Update From Tarzan
  2. 32 weeks pregnant: When you want to slap your friend
  3. Surgery tomorrow. Time to freak out.
  4. Update: I’m having the D&C procedure
  5. Mommy Friends: When the friendship goes sour FAST

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Christine

Hi there, I’d give your friend some slack. A good friend of mine lost a premature daughter after three days with us. She was very open about talking about her daughter and their loss, but her parents weren’t. She was angry that her parents were not very talkative about the subject, didn’t bring it up, ask how she was coping etc. My friend brought this up with her therapist who pointed out, “Do you have other people you can talk to about this? Other people who can give you the support you need?” and she was thankful that she did. I really learned a lesson from her too. Not everyone can be everything you need when you need it. Not your best friend, not your parent, not your husband. Instead of dwelling on the person or persons who aren’t there for you when you want them to be, focus instead on the people who are. You’ll find different people come through at different times. Plus, everyone brings their own experiences to the table. She may have had a miscarriage you don’t know about. Honestly, until I had to have a D&C for my miscarriage, I didn’t even know it was technically a “surgery.” It’s a bigger deal than some folks realize.

Anyway, I remind myself of this lesson often. My husband is amazing in so many ways, but he’s not very empathetic about my fears with this pregnancy. When I had an amnio, he came for the ultrasound and the genetic counseling, but my best friend was there to hold my hand during the procedure. I’m so lucky to have the various people in my life to lean on when I need to.

I’m so sorry about your miscarriage and hope for the best for you and your family.
Chris in Seattle

2 Jane

Thanks for the advice. I haven’t said anything to said friend and am not sure if I ever will. I still feel the same way though. She did text me last week and wanted to get together, but Monkey had school. I’m glad. It was an easy (and honest) out. I wanted to text back, “Oh and thanks for asking about my surgery – I’m doing fine”, but I didn’t.

And to Jenn – I’m sorry to hear about the bleeding and your miscarriage. I hope you are doing all right.

Julian’s Mommy – Hope you are recovering well from your surgery. Sorry to hear about your friend, that really sucks. I don’t know why people act so weird in times like this. Love that quote!

Jenna & Ambere- I’m sorry about y’alls miscarriages :(

3 Jenn

I’m currently awaiting the start of bleeding from m/c number four, and take if from me, do NOT, under any circumstances, make any major (and most minor) decisions until AFTER your hormones are back under control and normal again. Trust me on this one.

4 Jenna

I miscarried on 7/4 and experienced a variety of reactions from my family/friends, but I think the most common one was definitely “I don’t know what to say.” It’s not an excuse and it still hurts to feel abandoned by a friend, but I think that some people are genuinely lost for words or don’t want to say the wrong thing.

Good luck Jane, and I’m truly sorry that you have to go through this.

5 L

I have a friend who had 2 miscarriages of her own, but when I was going through mine, she was silent. I don’t know if it brought up too many bad memories for her or what. I was hurt, but I got over it and she was the one responsible for an awesome baby shower when pregnancy #5 worked. But it was hard and it sucked.

How to handle a friend going through a miscarriage? The best thing anyone said to me was a doctor I worked with. She told me she didn’t know how I felt, but she remembered how she felt and she was there to listen anytime I needed to talk. I didn’t know what to say to a friend of mine when she was going through one so I just told her sometimes life sucks and that I was there if she wanted to talk. She did.

6 Steph

Honestly, I would take it with a grain of salt. In a perfect world, of course she would check up on you. She probably just doesn’t know what to say, and it’s also likely that she thinks you want/need some time to yourself to cope and that you don’t want to talk about it.

7 Julian'sMommy

Oh man can I relate….I just had surgery too a little over 2 weeks ago, and a friend that swore up and down to help out has not only ignored me, nor asked of how I am, but even sent me (and others) a random email about her day and didn’t once even inquire as to how I’m doing. My husband is currently on a short deployment, I had surgery, I’m taking care of my 2 year-old day in and out all by myself, and I haven’t even heard one peep. It’s disappointing, but like someone told me recently (and it stuck), no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. I believe that’s a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, and I’m just not giving this person consent to continue to make me feel like crap.

Sorry, just took over your blog post. HA.
But I totally relate.

8 Ambere

I had a miscarrage a year ago, and it is really hard for people to understand how emoitional it is. And for how long it is emotional for. She maybe thinking with her being pregnant it would be harder on you to see her or talk with her. Its just hard to know.

9 Angela

Gosh, that’s a hard situation to make the call on. I mean, you never know what someone else has going on, or has experienced in the past to make them react the way they do in certain situations. With that said, however, I can’t imagine NOT trying to be there for my friend with that going on. You are probably more vulnerable right now to being hurt by things like this, and I can certainly see how you would be! I hope y’all are able to get this figured out and work your way through it.

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