Obviously, I’m not great at blogging regularly anymore. I feel like I was a champ at it when I was pregnant, but that’s probably because I had way more time on my hands. It’s also easier to post when there is something going on, like a miscarriage and having to have a D&C. Now that that is over, I find myself getting too caught up with everything going on in my life. But I’m going to try to be better because I do enjoy writing.
So, to pick up where I last left off…
My doctor told me that we could start trying to get pregnant after my first period. Well, I had my first period about two weeks ago, but I haven’t let my husband touch me in forever. I don’t know if I am ready to start trying and I’m not sure where that comes from.
The day I came home from the doctor and knew that I wasn’t going to have a baby, I told my husband that I wanted to try right away for another one. Perhaps that was just my hormones talking, I don’t know. I do know that part of the reason is because I’m losing weight right now and I don’t want to be gaining weight until I’m satisfied at where I am.
I think another part is because my son is so easy right now and I’m enjoying him immensely. He’s so fun. I can’t imagine having a newborn right now. It almost feels like it would jeopardize my son in a way. But on the flip side, I, for sure, want more kids. I do want Monkey to have a sibling. And I also know that the longer I wait, the easier Monkey will be and the harder it will be to have a newborn.
Hmm. All these decisions.
And lastly, I feel like I will be a mess whenever I do get pregnant. I don’t feel like I worried too much when I was pregnant with Monkey. I felt like I was pretty laid back and just went with the flow of it. Since having a miscarriage, I think I will be a nervous wreck and question every little thing. Or worry if the heart is still beating. Or worry because I haven’t felt too many kicks that day.
You know, it’ll just be 40 weeks of worry and that doesn’t sound fun. I feel like having a miscarriage tainted me and pregnancy, almost. It put so much more worry into pregnancy. I guess worry always comes with pregnancy, but I feel like I will just be a mess throughout the whole time and I don’t like the way that feels.
Any advice out there?
You might also want to read:
- Pregnancy ups, downs, worries, and giggles (Plus funny pictures that’ll give you the jiggles)
- No worries about additional baby costs during labor and delivery, pills are included!
- Monkey, a bump, a trip to the pediatrician’s office, & lots of worries
- How do you know when a miscarriage happens naturally?
- Update: I’m having the D&C procedure
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m pregnant now. First baby, 34 weeks this past Tuesday.
My last 2 “periods” I had before being pregnant were miscarriages. No period in between.
So, when I first peed on the stick with this one, I didn’t have that joy that most women have. I feel bad about it now. I didn’t tell anyone until I was about 20 weeks, because I didn’t want to jinx it. I didn’t want to have to explain myself to everyone & I didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. I wish now that I’d taken more developing bump pictures, & started writing to her earlier. I know it’s awful, but I didn’t want to get too attached.
Being at 34 weeks is an amazing feeling. I know that if I went into labor right now, most likely everything will be okay. But you never stop worrying.
I really honestly feel like after all this, everything does happen for a reason. Just like the Pampers commercial: Every baby is a little miracle. I think when it’s meant to happen is when it will. And God forbid it take 3 miscarriages to get you there, everything is playing out how it’s supposed to. You can’t have yang without having the yin. You’ll appreciate Monkey & new baby that much more. So just go for it!
My best wishes to you.
I found your blog when I was pregnant with my first and found the craziness you felt the first time around reassuring for the craziness I was feeling myself. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in August 2010 and became a full-time stay-at-home mom after that. Everything was good. Then on my first official Mother’s Day of 2011 having a child OUTSIDE the womb, I learned I was pregnant again.
Both a blessing and a curse. After I had Michael, I knew in my heart I wanted another, but not really so close together. In my first pregnancy I was relatively laid back and groovy about things – I’m high-risk so I had to have tons of extra tests and ultrasounds done, but he came into this world perfect in every way. He was an easy pregnancy too.
Then we learned that my husband’s insurance wouldn’t cover for ANY genetic testing. I wasn’t too worried, because Michael’s results came back beautifully. Then we started the many ultrasounds and at the second perinatal visit, they found a cyst on our baby’s brain. Right away, they assured me it was “probably nothing” but they had to inform us that this was one of the signs for trisomy 18. The doctor offered amniocentrisis that day to determine whether or not that was the case. I was mortified. Here I had skipped all the genetic testing during the early weeks because we couldn’t afford it without insurance, and one of the scariest genetic disorders is now a looming possibility.
I turned down the amniocentrisis, but it certainly made things a lot scarier. I’m pretty certain I wouldn’t have aborted the pregnancy even if I had known one way or another, but it does make you think. And worry. And worry some more. Eventually, during this pregnancy I had to go back on Zoloft for my depression and anxiety during the second trimester – I know this wasn’t the only cause, but it certainly was a cause.
The cyst went away on its own, and our little girl hasn’t shown any other signs of problems. Her heartbeat is strong. She kicks me more than her brother did (and he about killed me). She’s already head down, facing the right way. I’ve been off my Zoloft for almost two weeks and have yet to have a nervous breakdown. Although there is still this tiny lingering doubt in the back of my mind, I’m ready to face whatever comes. We’re so very excited to meet her. I think even Michael is ready, although he’s too young to understand why Mommy’s so huge and tired, because he had two cousins born within the last four months, and he loves them both so.
Basically all my rambling boils down to this: you will do this again when you’re ready. Despite the extra anxiety, worry, whatever, you’ll find a way through it. It may be hard, but you know in the end it will all be worth it. Don’t feel bad if you don’t want to try again right away (just don’t go on the patch, since I’ve now had two pregnancies while using it.
. I wish you, Tarzan, and Monkey the best.
I could have written this post myself! Monkey and my son are 1 day apart (I started following on Twitter the day before Monkey was born, I think – because I knew I’d be delivering VERY soon after you). I too LOVE this age – I’m amazed every day at all the things my son is learning and he’s so fun/funny right now! I too had a miscarriage at 9 1/2 weeks in June 2010 (that pregnancy was unexpected)…and I’ve struggled a lot with when to try again (esp since we were trying to avoid when it happened last time). I have all the same worries about worrying (geez, that sounds pitiful) during a future pregnancy – even though my pregnancy with my son was a breeze and I never really worried. Anyway, just wanted to post because I relate to you in so many ways!
I feel like I’m not qualified to comment on this post as I have not suffered a loss. However, my younger sister had back to back miscarriages (around ten weeks each time) within the last year and a half. It was such a difficult time for her but she did keep with it and found a doctor who diagnosed her with a progesterone issue. With that figured out, she did get pregnant again and was closely monitored throughout the first trimester. In addition, she also had to take weekly progesterone shots in her tush (ouch!). It was all worth it because her precious daughter, Stella Jaymes, was baptized last Sunday! And, of course, Stella’s four year old sister is THRILLED that she is here! Your feelings are very normal, Jane. When you get pregnant again, you WILL be worried until the day he or she is in your arms. I think that’s true for every single pregnant mother but even more so in your situation. It’s understandable and I’m thinking about you. Hang in there! Tarzan, too.
It’s gotta be hard for sure after having an easy pregnancy with Monkey. You could always rent a doppler to check the heart beat whenever you are worried. Good luck with this.
Hi Jane. I don’t really have any advice for you about the reluctance to get pregnant because of Monkey, but after 2 misscarriages, I understand the hestitancy because of fear. I had a misscarriage in September of last year at 8 weeks, and another this past March at 5 weeks. I won’t lie, choosing to get pregnant again was one of the hardest decisions I ever made. I was terrified of getting pregnant, but also so scared of not ever being able to stay pregnant. The fear of never having a baby won, and I am currently 28 weeks. Those first 12 weeks were agony. I was a ball of nerves and stress and fear. I basically lived for each doctors appt, and was lucky that I had great doctors that knew I needed to been seen often. I was seen for the first time at 6.5 weeks and every two weeks after that. I demanded that. For my sanity as well as my husbands, it was a must. I also had my hcg levels drawn 3 times in the beginning to ensure that they were rising, I took 1 day at a time and I never believed that the pregnancy was going to last. I kept a wall around my heart, and it wasn’t until much later that I let that wall down. I had to protect myself.
Its not easy being pregnant after a loss. Its very hard. The innocense is gone, and you will be skeptical that it will actually last. While the first 12 weeks is by far the hardest, the fear doesn’t go away. I still battle it. I do analyze every little thing. I wake up terrified from bad dreams and I’ve had 2 emergency appointments when I’ve gone in just knowing something isn’t right. Well, I was wrong, and my little girl is perfect and so far, she’s healthy.
You are so right when you say 40 weeks of fear isn’t fun. Hell, 28 weeks of fear isn’t fun, but I try and believe that the fear will all be worth it when I look at my baby. Maybe that fear will even be erased and I’ll want to do it all again someday. Until then, well, I just live each day and be thankful for each little kick, and bout of hiccups that tell me she’s okay.
This is probably really jumbled, and I’m sorry for that. Many hugs.
i understand where youre coming from believe me.ive had 2 miscarriages – the first was at 10.5 weeks and the second 6.5 weeks. after my second one i decided that was it i wasnt going to try for a baby anymore- i didnt want to go throught the pain and heartache. then 4 weeks late i got a positive test and 9 months later i had my son. that 9 months felt like 9 years,everyday felt never ending.i was constanly worrying at every twinge and ache and forever doing the “knicker check”.i never felt relaxed enough to enjoy my pregnancy and i regret it. with this one im trying to enjoy it more but still find myself worrying all the time. i think it natural to worry like a crazy lady after having a miscarriage.the hardest thing to stop is the blaming yourself no matter how many times youre told ” it happened for a reason.its natures way of saying there was something wrong!” well nature is a bitch!!!! i wish i could give you some advice to help you feel better for when you do get pregnant again but i honestly havent had any that really helped.all i can say is take each day as it comes and distract yourself with as many things to do, books,movies,friends whatever.just something that help each day pass and occupy your mind.i have found this time round i have less free time to myself so i dont get a chance to sit and worry as much. and talk to your other half about your worries and concerns. good luck x