Pregnant Thoughts From A Soon-To-Be Father

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.  Thinking about pregnancy, babies, and life in general.  Being able to actually sit and reflect on everything this weekend shows me that the initial shock of Jane getting pregnant must be subsiding – at least for now.

Since this pregnancy blog is “our secret place” that we’ll never ever tell friends or family about, Jane and I feel very comfortable sharing our thoughts, photos, and happenings with the world.  So with that said, let’s take a journey into the mind of Tarzan, a soon-to-be father.

Warning: To this point most of my pregnancy blog posts have been on the humorous side… this post will be taking a different road…

Pregnant Father Thought 1: Tarzan was a wild kid: Will our baby be a wild child, too?

Jane was a goodie-goodie.  (Although she’ll never admit to that!)  She never really got into too much trouble.  She was the typical girly-girl into ballet, gymnastics, cheerleading, and everything was more or less a ’sugar and spice’ life.

Now take me (Tarzan) on the other hand and I was completely opposite of Jane.  I was suspended from school more than I went to school.  I gave all teachers a very, very hard time.  Authority really bothered me.  There were a few fights I got into, but it was my mouth and/or actions that kept me in trouble all throughout school.  I did somehow graduate high school, at the bottom of my class, with a 1. something GPA.  

Fast forward until now (I’m 30) and I turned out pretty good considering my life and wild party-loving lifestyle I lived in my teen years where encounters with the police were common for me, except the few times I did manage to outrun them.

So that’s a big concern for me. I don’t know how my parents managed to raise me. And I would have no clue how to raise a wild kid like I was. I didn’t listen. I didn’t care. And in many ways, I thought I was invincible.

I clearly remember my parents and grandmother telling me hundreds of times, “just wait until you have kids, then you’ll understand.”  Uh oh. I hope our baby doesn’t have that rebellious bone in his/her body.  If he/she does, Jane has no clue what she is in for.  Maybe I should build a bomb shelter in our backyard to prepare for what may be coming. LOL

Pregnant Father Thought 2: Tarzan and Jane both have ADD: Big Time

One of the main reasons why I was so horrible in school was that I was bored out of my mind.  In the small town I grew up in, they had no clue about ADD in the 90’s.  I was just labeled as someone who had the attention span of an ant.  Heck, when I was in grades 1-5, I spent a lot of time with the ’special kids’ in the back of the room because some thought I had some learning disability.

Little did they know that I actually had a unique learning Ability.

Both Jane and I have ADD badly. We could both could have been the poster children for ADD.  I’ve read about 20+ books on ADD (I was self diagnosed and for the most part, self treated) and I understand two huge facts about ADD.  (We don’t have ADHD, which makes one hyper-active – we just have ADD where we can’t focus on one thing for too long among the 100 other ADD traits.)

Anyway, the first fact I’ve learned is that ADD can easily be used as an ADDvantatage. People who have ADD just use their brains differently. They can think outside of the box, they’re usually very creative with music, art, computers, business, etc.  The second big fact is that ADD is hereditary.  So there is no doubt that our child will have ADD – big time!

The good thing is that there is a lot more known about ADD and how to raise a child who has ADD.  I was at the bookstore a few days ago and saw a whole section on raising an ADD child, how to teach them, and how to help them use their ADD to their advantage.  So I’m not too concerned about this one… as long as our child isn’t ADHD, then I’m up the creek without a paddle!

Pregnant Father Thought 3: A random call from my father while he was at work…

About a week ago my phone rang and saw it was my father.  He was on break and said he just wanted to call and share something he’s been thinking about for awhile.  He told me that he’ll always give me his “Dad Advice” as he calls it.  (These are little tid-bits he’s always given me over the years on his views of life, his thoughts about things I’m doing in life, etc.)  I’ve always valued them.

But then he said that he wanted me to know that once Jane and I have our baby, he will always give us the freedom to raise our child as we see fit.  He’ll never interfere.  And he’ll never give “Dad advice” on how to raise our child unless I come to him to ask for his thoughts on something.  He said it was important to him that I knew that.  I said I really appreciated that, we chatted for a minute, and then got off the phone.

Since that call, what he said to me didn’t really sink in until a few days after.  I’ve heard so many stories and I’ve seen it first-hand where the grandparents can often tell their kids that they should do this, or they should be doing that with their child.  I’ve talked to friends in the past who were going out of their minds because their parents were telling them that they were doing something wrong, or they should raise their child this way or that way.

So for my father to let me know basically that he won’t be one of “those parents” and trusts Jane and my abilities to raise a child, and that he’ll be there if I need advice, but won’t ever get in our way was very cool of him.  I have a lot of respect for my father.  Always have.  And his call to me the other day raised the bar even more.

Pregnant Father Thought 4: Money. I’ll admit it… I’m freaking out here. 

I’m not going to lie.  2008 was my worst year financially I’ve had for a long time.  By the end of the year, I had lost most of my clients for a variety of reasons, but the underlining reasons was due to the economy.  Money has gotten tighter and tighter.  And one of the big reasons why Jane and I wanted to wait a little while to try for a child was because since we are self-employed, we would have to purchase maternity insurance BEFORE Jane got pregnant.

I believe it was around $600 a month or so – I can’t remember how much it was.  But it was a lot.  So we wanted to wait until we had more income coming in and I picked up a few new clients in 2009 before we got the maternity insurance.

Well, as you know, I got Jane pregnant on Halloween night.  To read the whole story, see our about us page. (Opens in a new window.)

So long story short, we are paying the doctor over $500 a month for many months leading up to the birth of our child.  Then we’ll have the many, many hospital bills.  I figure it will be somewhere between $10,000 and $15,000 out of pocket before all is said and done.

HOWEVER, if Jane for some reasons has to have a c-section, the hospital bill could quickly turn into over $50,000. (Which happened to a friend of a friend – their bills were over $50,000.)  And God forbid there are any little complications here or there, the bill could quickly jump to well over $100,000.

We would be responsible for paying all of it our of pocket.  So believe me, I pray everyday that Jane has a very smooth and easy childbirth and everything is A-OK with her, the baby, and everything else.  Now of course I first pray that everything will be OK health-wise and everything first, but I think it’s natural to also have the financial part in the back of my mind, too since any complications would ruin us financially.

Being self-employed has its benefits, but I’m telling you right now, the system is not fair.  We work very hard, we pay all of our taxes, and we don’t expect or want any free rides.  However, I know of many stories where others who have no insurance go to the emergency room when they are about to pop out their baby, they can’t speak a word of english, and end up paying nothing. The hospital swallows the bill.  That happens all the time.

But for us, we’ll of course be stuck with the full bill and will be paying the full bill.  There is no way to get maternity insurance after you’re pregnant.  The system is seriously flawed for self-employed people like Jane and I.

So each and every single day I have the financial side of things weighing on my back.  And the way the economy is going, and where it is headed in 2009 (doesn’t look good!) it’s going to be a fight to get all these bills paid I think.  And as a man, a soon-t0-be father, a husband, etc. my gut instinct is to “provide for the family”.  And that of course includes financially.  I’m concerned.  I’m worried.  I’m freaking out a little at times.  There isn’t a moment that goes by where the financial side of things isn’t on my mind, or at the very least, sits in the back of my mind and  plays a huge roll on all buying decisions.

Pregnant Father Thought 5: I need to get my groove on, Jane!

Sorry everyone. In most of my posts lately I talk about sex (lack there of), Jane’s boobs, and so on.  They say a guy thinks about sex like 50 times or day or something.  That is 100% true normally.  But when your wife is 12 weeks pregnant and in the first trimester, I think about sex about 32,972 times a day now!

Also, with the stress I have (because of some of the things I talk about above), I know it would be nice and healthy for me to release some of all this balled up stress.  And I’ve read that sex is one of the best stress relievers in the world!

Now don’t get me wrong. I totally understand that Jane doesn’t feel too sexy right now.  I also understand that she sometimes gets headaches during the day or night lately, or her belly feels a little funny, or she’s just ‘not in the mood at all’.  I totally and completely understand and respect all of that.  I really do.

But I’ll tell you want, seeing her start to get a belly is very sexy to me.  I’ve talked about that in some of my previous pregnancy blog posts.  And seeing her “porn star boobs” as Jane calls them just adds to my frustrations at times.  So I’ll apologize ahead of time here.  I’ll be talking about sex (lack of) and boobs (oh how I miss them!) often here as a way to get my frustrations out.  And believe it or not, blogging about my sexual frustrations as a soon-to-be father does help a little!

So hopefully one of these days Jane’s hormones will trigger or flip/flop and turn her into a non-stop sex machine that can’t get enough of me!  HA!  OK, I know, wishful thinking… but still a slight possibility… maybe…

Pregnant Father Thought 6: My biggest fear… being a workaholic father who misses out…

This is tied into my thought # 4.  Money.  I know that this year I’ll have to work harder than I ever have before to make things happen, get clients, and make money.  It’s been very tough over the last few months and as more and more people tighten their wallets, it’s getting REALLY hard.  I know that I’ll need to come up with some creative ideas… AND SOON!

But here is my fear… and it’s something that I’ve said since I was around 18 years old.  (I’m now 30 years old)  I never want to be one of those fathers who works all the time and misses out on those little moments in your child’s life that matter most.  His or her first word, the first few steps, the first “I love you”, the first laugh, the first smile, the first anything.  I want to be there and see them all.

My father was and is has always been there.  He captured my first walk on video.  He was there for many of my “firsts” and I want to do the same.  However, I know that we’re in for some rough times ahead and I’m already working more hours than I care to admit here.  I just hope that I can make some big things happen so I can be there with Jane and our baby to witness many of our baby’s first.

I do not want to become one of those fathers you always hear about that is always away on business trips, always stays late at the office working, and is so focused on work that he loses touch with the things that matter most in life.  I hope that because I’m aware of this danger now that I’ll be able to do all I can to ensure I don’t turn into one of those fathers.

And because of my personality… I work very hard, I love what I do, and I enjoy my work, I know that this is a potential danger for me… especially if money becomes a huge struggle with us due to hospital bills, lack of clients, etc.  I’ll have no choice but to dive deeper into work to do all I can to make money to support my family.

The good news is that Jane is only 12 weeks pregnant.  We still have several weeks to go.  Heck, we have several months to go.  I have time to get a lot of new things going and I’m busting my ass to do all I can to make big things happen so we can breathe a little by the time our baby arrives.

Well, sorry for the more down-to-earth, more serious blog post today.  That’s the thing about this pregnancy blog.  You just never know what we’ll be sharing. And as I’ve mentioned, because none of our friends or family know about this blog (and they will never know!) Jane and I can really share some deep dark secrets and thoughts here.

I’m sure that many other soon-to-be moms and dads can relate to a lot of the things we’re going through right now.  And I’m sure that if you can relate, I bet many of these things are not topics that you share with your friends and family.  These are usually things that just the soon-to-be parents secretly talk about in private I would imagine.

In Closing…. Thanks for your comments – we appreciate you!

Jane and I really appreciate all of the comments on our pregnancy blog posts.  

We enjoy reading all of them and appreciate you taking the time to read our blog and posting responses if you have a comment, a thought you wanted to share, you’re just saying hello, or you have some advice for us.

What’s really cool is that some comments posted yesterday were posted by some mom’s who already went through all of this, and they shared some GREAT words of wisdom with us.  

I’m not kidding here, but some of the things that were said by some of you yesterday will be thoughts I keep in my mind for many, many years to come.

For those of you who have already had a child and have some great parenting or pregnancy advise to share with us, we’re all ears!  We’re learning a lot and know there is still so much to learn!

For those of you who are on this pregnancy journey with us (you’re expecting parents as well), we hope you’ll keep us posted on your journey as well by your comments.  You can feel safe knowing that you can post about anything here – you don’t have to let anyone know who you are.  :)  And believe me… it feels GOOD to be able to let all these thoughts and feelings out!

It feels as good as sex!  Uhhh… not even close!  LOL  But it does help clear your mind… minus the lack of sex part if you’re a fellow father-to-be suffering like I am!  :(

Thanks again everyone – Jane and I appreciate you!

- Tarzan

You might also want to read:

1. Father-to-be thoughts about first times and last times.
2. Another father-to-be realization: Learning the sex of our baby makes things REAL.
3. 19 weeks into Jane’s pregnancy: Tarzan’s pregnant thoughts…
4. Father-to-be ramblings about Dadalings and soon to be happenings
5. Father-to-be woken up at 5 AM with severe chest pain… Pregnancy stress?

Tagged as: Father, Husband, maternity insurance, Money, Pregnancy