Comments on: What would you do? In-laws plan on being in town for 2 weeks after birth of baby.

By: Kathy aka babyWheeler

Kathy aka babyWheeler — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 00:57:00 +0000

Our idea was to have my MIL stay with us for two weeks then my mother will stay with us for the next two weeks. It’s still in the plan but after reading the comments I’m not 100% certain anymore. My MIL is a full time child care nurse at a military base and has been doing this for decades. She is real good with babies. She told me she will let ‘me’ be the mommy and will help me figure out how I want things done. That’s why I rather have her be with us the first two weeks. My mother is the complete opposite. Either way, my husband probably won’t even be able to stay at home the first week or whatever because of his new job. So I’d be all alone. So I suppose having someone, likely my MIL to be with me will help a lot. I’ll still have to think about it though.

By: Update to in-laws being in town for 2 weeks after baby Tarzan is born | His Boys Can Swim Pregnancy Blog And Forums

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 20:36:10 +0000

[...] January I posted about my in-laws wanting to be in town for 2 weeks after the baby was born. As you know I was not [...]

By: Rye@Pimple Treatment

Rye@Pimple Treatment — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 13:24:27 +0000

hard question, but my answer is a solid ‘no’… i want to be alone with the baby with my wife of course.

By: Wendy

Wendy — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 22:51:05 +0000

My husband has no immediate family but even if my mom wanted to come for two weeks I’d scream. She always welcome in my home and could move in if she wanted, but the thought of just “coming to visit” for two weeks would freak me out.

This really isn’t a time for “visitors.”

By: Laurie

Laurie — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 04:10:38 +0000

My husband was in France when my baby was born (deployed) and my sister and mom came to help. Even so, it was sometimes still very hard as I wanted to do what I wanted to do, and they had their own helpful and great ideas. I felt I had to be constantly negotiating carefully so as not to hurt their feelings.

I think it’s rather rude of them to just announce they were coming without asking first. That already says boundary issues to me. It’s probably hard to rescind at this point, unless you can fib a little and get your husband to tell them that the doctor pointed out that the whole family will bond much easier and you will have a much easier time if no one is staying at your house and it’s just the three of you for the first month or so.

I don’t know about you, but if I had guests, even if they were supposed to help me, it would be awkward, feeling as if I had to “entertain them” a bit. I did feel that way with my mom and sister even though they were NOT AT ALL like that, it was just a natural feeling. Plus, in order for them to help me, I had to tell them where things were and how I liked to have things cleaned and it was kind of exhausting. I was nursing and it was awkward to have them feel as if they could stroll in and chat – for them having babies was old hat but it was my first and that first time you really need your space more than any other time to figure things out for yourself.

If you can’t keep them from coming for those two weeks, then ask them to stay in a hotel or at your parent’s house; and lay out what kind of help you need from both families. Set up alternate days to cook, clean, etc… if they know the expectations way before everything starts, it will go so much more smoothly than if you try to figure it out on the fly after the baby is born. Good luck.

By: Jacqui Munro

Jacqui Munro — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 22:24:59 +0000

Trust me, you won’t be able to handle it! We lived on the same property when my baby was born and my in-laws drove me insane even though they meant well. Its not really for you to tell them no. Gently persuade Tarzan to gently persuade his folks that its not a good idea and that your new little family needs time to get used to the idea of being a little family. You will have so many new things to deal with, you really don’t need your in-laws hanging around!

By: Elsie Escobar

Elsie Escobar — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 20:17:21 +0000

Wow! You’ve gotten some fantastic responses here! Given that, for they really are great, this is what I have to add to the conversations:
I also did not want my own parents to come for the birth of my baby. I told my Mom that I would let her know when to come visit (they live out of state). I wanted to make sure our new family had at minimum a week w/o house guests as I know what a sacred time that was. As fate would have it, I ended up having my baby 3 wks early! My Mom came to stay with me 2 weeks after her birth and she stayed for 2 weeks (my Dad joined for the last 4 days)

I’m very close to my mother. She knows me inside and out, and I also know she is old school latina mother. She basically was of service to me: cooked, cleaned, went shopping, kept quiet, changed diapers, offered advice only when I asked, basically she was a dream. Same with my Dad. Although there were times when we felt a bit crowded, it was overshadowed by the amount of help that they both provided, taking the load of of my hubby. I truly missed them when they were gone.

Bottom line: know your IL. Make sure your hubby communicates your needs (I did, although my Mom is pretty intuitive). AND this is the time to ‘take’ and not feel bad about it. Be selfish. Ask for help and give voice to your needs. Make sure you know that before the baby is born. It will help sooooo much!

By: Daddy Files

Daddy Files — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 15:49:07 +0000

Just wanted to add a thing or two now that some others have responded…

I would advise against telling your in-laws to postpone their visit. It’s great that they’re excited about their new grandchild and they should be able to come visit right away. The trick is to make it clear they 1) Need to stay in a hotel and 2) Can’t be over the house constantly. They should come by to help you with dishes, laundry, cooking, etc and only stay in short bursts. I know that sounds selfish (and technically it is) but after you give birth it’s a time to be a little selfish and only worry about you and your new family. And Tarzan shouldn’t be shy about telling people it’s time to go. I had to usher many a relative out of my house that first week and I had no problem doing it politely as possible, because I knew my wife needed alone time.

By: Lisa Lauffer

Lisa Lauffer — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 17:48:45 +0000

I agree that the in-laws shouldn’t be on top of you at this sensitive time. At the same time, I wouldn’t want to rob them of seeing the newborn–you just can’t get those moments back, and as someone else said, they’ll get pix you won’t (just make sure you get copies–my babies were born in the film era and my MIL THREW OUT THE NEGATIVES–I couldn’t believe it).

I also agree Tarzan needs to man up and handle this one. Given his new guide to the baby’s size, I know he’s up to the task of telling his parents to stay elsewhere and to be around to help out. As much as they should be helping, they can also hold the baby so you can get some extra winks which you’ll desperately need.

As well, might I suggest that during the birth you have a best friend be your liaison? You’ll want Tarzan in there with you, and you’ll want someone else fielding the questions and being the bouncer–guarding who gets in, how long they stay, etc. This way neither of you have to deal with that stress. Just a thought…

By: Helen

Helen — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 17:15:36 +0000

Jane. No. I agree with everyone here. Don’t have them stay in your house right after the birth. It’s a very sensitive time. You will both be very emotional. Feelings can get hurt. Good intentions end up feeling like intrusions. You and Tarzan need time to adjust and get nested with your little one. Outside help doesn’t feel like help…it will feel like they are in your way, causing more stress. I know they won’t mean to, but they will. Breastfeeding is a very intimate thing. I remember feeling very uncomfortable when my ex-husband’s family came to see me in the hospital the day after I had my first child. They stayed for 6 hours!! I thought I was going to cry with frustration. I didn’t want to nurse the baby in front of them, and they just didn’t know when to leave. I collapsed into tears of relief when they finally left.
I agree with asking them to stay nearby at a hotel. Actually, I think Tarzan needs to deal with this one. He will have to gently explain to them that you two are looking forward to your quiet time alone with the baby for the first weeks, and that you just can’t cope with having anyone staying right away.
I know they want to be there for the birth, but may I suggest it would be much more helpful if they came about 6 weeks or so afterwards? By then, you’ll be more comfortable with everything. Breastfeeding will be more established, your emotions will have settled some, and you will probably appreciate some help like cooking or cleaning or holding the baby while you take a nap.

Helen’s last blog post..Sunday love