Yesterday I took Monkey to the pediatrician because I was convinced that there was something else going on with him.  The past two weeks have just been a little too out of ordinary for him.  I have never brought the stroller into the office, but something inside me told me to bring it.

Boy am I glad I did!

I’ve never seen the waiting room as crowded as it was.  The “sick” side of the room was completely packed, while there were a few seats left on the “well” side.  We took our seats & started to chat it up with the people sitting by us.  Thankfully talking to others made the time pass because we were in the waiting room for 1.5 hours.

We’ve never had to wait that long.  I chalk it up to the fact that it was a Monday & school has started.  & we all know how full of germs school is.

Anyways, once the pediatrician looked into Monkey’s ears he told me that he has an ear infection.  I was happy.  Obviously, not happy that my son has pain in his ears, but relieved (better word) that there is something going on with him to make him cranky.

Isn’t mother’s intuition great?!

I feel like a “real” mom… I knew something wasn’t right with my child & I was right.  If you ever feel like this with your child, go with your instinct.  Really.  There is a reason that we are all moms.

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I think it was 2:30am this morning when I told Tarzan, “It feels like we have a 2 month old again”.  Monkey was in between us in bed & he wouldn’t stop screaming.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, hence Monkey sleeping in our bed.

I guess we’ve been really lucky.  Monkey has slept through the night since he was about 8 weeks old.  Consistently sleeping through the night.  It was something that we could count on & knew would happen, no matter how rough the day might have been.

Now, sleeping through the night is in the past & I don’t know what we can do to get it back.  I miss the days of not waking up in the middle of the night to a screaming child.  It’s been exactly one week & I think I’m about to go crazy with the lack of sleep.  How do people do it?!

Let’s go back to a week ago from this past Tuesday.  We had a playdate & things were fine.  It was a good day actually.  Monkey & I came home, he took a bath, & we went on with our regular bedtime routine that we’ve been doing since he was 8 weeks old.  Nothing new.  Nothing different.

Tarzan had a meeting that night so I was doing bedtime alone.  I didn’t mind at all; after all, I am usually the one that puts him to bed.  But tonight he was restless.

He wouldn’t sleep.

After doing all that I could for an hour, I simply put him in his crib & walked out to sit on the stairs.  I silently prayed to God to make him go to sleep.  I even, um, bargained with Him.  “If you make him go to sleep, I promise I’ll go to church every single Sunday.”

You get the idea.

Well, after 10 minutes I couldn’t take the screaming, so I went in Monkey’s nursery & picked him up.  I tried walking around with him.  Rocking him.  NOTHING WORKED.

I took him out into the living room because I was about to give up.  We were just going to hang out because trying to get him to sleep was just getting hard.  We sat on the couch & the next thing I know, we were both covered in vomit.

Initially I thought, “OMG, I let him cry for 10 minutes & he worked himself into a panic & now he threw up”.  (The later events proved that my letting him cry was not the issue of the vomit.  Thankfully.)

When I say vomit, I’m talkin’ projectile.  Like all down my cleavage.  All on the couch.  The floor.  Our clothes.  & the worst part is that it just would not stop coming out of his mouth.

I quickly recapped the day’s events & wondered if I had given him bad formula on accident.  If he ate something bad at the playdate.  After racking my brain, I just didn’t know what was going on.  The most logical explanation, that he was sick, didn’t even pop into my mind.  I mean, Monkey hasn’t been sick yet so I didn’t even think about that option.

We both took a bath to get the nasty smell of vomit off of us.  Then more vomit.  Monkey wouldn’t stop & I began to worry.  A lot.  I called my husband & he came home from his meeting.  Monkey threw up again.  & now we were on bath #3 in a matter of 60 minutes.

We called the on-call nurse at the pediatrician’s office & she asked some questions & told us to monitor him & call back should he throw up & had diarrhea within a certain time period.  (I can’t even remember what she said now…)

Monkey threw up one more time (at midnight) & then he slept with me in bed while Tarzan slept in the guestroom.  He didn’t throw up anymore that night, but sleeping with a 10.5 month old is not my idea of a good night’s sleep.  He moved all around & I woke up even more tired than when I went to bed.

During the day he was lethargic.  He just wanted me to hold him, cuddle him, & he didn’t have much of an appetite.  I don’t think I put him down for the next two days.  No vomit & no diarrhea, so things were looking up.  He was waking up at night, but we just chalked that up to the fact that he must be hungry & need some extra loving from his parents.

He started vomiting again on the 3rd day.  Just in the morning & it was accompanied by diarrhea.  Fun, Fun.  We made a doctor’s appointment & couldn’t wait for some magic to happen there.

Turns out that Monkey had a stomach bug that was going around (3 other kids from our playdate & their parents all got the same thing) & he is getting his top two teeth too.  Oh & I should add that he had an ear infection too.  His first ear infection.  All of these things AT THE SAME TIME.

The doctor prescribed some Amoxicillin & Florastor Kids.  Tomorrow will be a week since we went to the doctor & I do think Monkey’s ear infection is getting better.  He hasn’t vomited since Saturday, but he still has diarrhea one time in the morning.

His sleeping, on the other hand, has gotten out of control.  It’s bad & I don’t know what to do about it.  Like really, really bad.  He does still tug on his ear slightly, so it’s my hope that he’s not sleeping well because his ear is bothering him.  I hope it’s not the alternative – Like he has just gotten used to sleeping with me & napping on me.

He’s my little baby & he was sick.  I cuddled him constantly & he loved it.  He napped while laying on me & every time he woke up I was right there.  But did I create a little monster by doing this?  Or is he just not feeling 100% back to himself?

Last night, for example, he went to bed at 7pm.  He woke up at 8:30pm & drank 2 oz of formula, fell asleep on me, & I put him in his crib.  He woke up again around 9:45pm.  Tarzan fed him a bottle & then put him back in his crib.  Then he woke up again at 2am.  I tried to just put him back to sleep without feeding him, but he wouldn’t have it.  He drank 3 oz & wouldn’t go back to sleep.  (The days of putting Monkey in his crib “drowsy but awake” are long gone.  We have to rock him to sleep before putting him in his crib.)

I was tired & brought him into our bed, where we all slept… including our dog, who started crying around 3am because he wanted up on the bed.  Ugh.

I just don’t know what’s going on.  I’ve been wondering if I’m instilling unhealthy sleep habits for Monkey because I just give in to whatever is easiest.  So what if he sleeps on me for 3 hours for a morning nap… at least he’s sleeping, right??

Then I got an email from Baby Center, I think.  It was about being consistently with sleeping, not picking up your baby, & teaching him/her to put themselves back to sleep.  Hmm.

I don’t know what to do.  I’m going to give it until the 29th because that’s when we go back to the doctor to make sure that Monkey’s ear infection is gone & I’ll ask his opinion.

But right now I’d like your opinion please (if you are still reading this LONG post).  Is it time to sleep-train?  Is it too late to sleep-train?  Is Monkey’s sleeping off due to his ear infection, teething, & being sick?  Am I giving into my baby too much?  Is that even possible?

I don’t know what to think right now.  All I know is that I’m exhausted, Tarzan is exhausted, & Monkey is really cranky.

& he’s started to bite & hit, but that’s another blog post for another time.

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Oh my gosh.  Teething sucks.  For babies & their parents.

We are going on about 15 days now & I don’t know what to do anymore.  I’m losing it.  In fact, I just started crying today.  My kid is in pain.  He won’t nap anymore, but he’s so extremely tired.  So much so that his eyes are all red around them.  He goes to sleep at his normal bedtime, but wakes up at least once during the night for  at least an hour.  Oh & he is screaming during the time he is awake.

Teething seems so unfair.  Like babies should just pop out of the vag with a mouth full of teeth.  Seriously.

My always happy kid is miserable.  He is cranky.  He cries all of the time.  & it breaks my heart.  But I’m helpless.

After talking to some mommy friends & the nurse at my pediatrician’s office, I’m out of things to do/try.  I’ve given him Hyland’s Teething Tablets, but I wonder if his gums have become used to them because they don’t seem to work as well as they did previously.

We give him Motrin only at bedtime, which we are changing today.  I just don’t want to feel like I’m drugging my child, but if he is miserable & if it helps, it seems like an obvious thing to do.  The nurse told me to give him Motrin no more than 3 times a day for no longer than 1 week.  Gosh I hope this tooth/teeth come in by next week.

One of my friends said to alternate between Motrin & Tylenol, but the nurse told me not to do that.

I bought Baby Orajel today, so we’ll see how that works for Monkey.  I didn’t buy it sooner because I’d heard some horror stories about the gums being so numb that babies were choking on their own saliva.  But now I’m desperate and will be keeping a strong eye on Monkey of course.

I’ve tried letting Monkey chew on teethers, Sophie, frozen washcloths, green apples, and popsicles (not a lot).

The one thing that I’ve heard about that I haven’t tried is the mesh feeder thing.  I need to go to Babies R Us & pick one up tomorrow.  If you have one what do you put in it?  I’ve heard ice and frozen bananas work well in it.

Anyways, I’m willing to try anything to help my little boy out.  He’s in pain & I just want my happy little man back.  I hate seeing him in such pain.  Any suggestions/advice are greatly appreciated.

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Yesterday was Monkey’s 4 month doctor appointment.  For some reason I was really nervous about the shots.  So nervous that I asked my husband to accompany us to the doctor’s office (he didn’t go to the 2 month appointment).

Monkey’s first set of shots at his 2 month appointment were awful.  His face turned bright red & he cried (or rather screamed) for some time.  It broke my heart.  I wasn’t sure what to think about this next round of shots, hence my asking Tarzan to come with us.

Monkey’s 4 month stats:

Weight: 15 pounds 10.4oz (50-75%)

Height/Length: 26.5 inches (95%)

Head: 16 3/4 (50-75%)

Surprisingly Monkey did fabulous with the shots.  Tarzan & I sang to him while the nurse pricked both of his thighs.  He cried for a second & then started smiling.  I’m guessing it was his dad being there… which made Tarzan feel good when I told him that.  Of course you know that Monkey had a rough night last night & threw up… Not sure what caused that, but I need to call & tell the pediatrician’s office tomorrow… Just so they know.

Monkey’s pediatrician said that his torticollis has improved & I should keep doing his neck exercises.  He also said that his flat spot was no more (yay!).  I said, “Does this mean he doesn’t need a helmet?” & the pediatrician said that he wouldn’t need one.  Yay!!

He asked if Monkey had started rolling yet & I told him that he started rolling from his back to belly.  He said that he was doing it the “hard way” since most babies roll from their bellies to their back.

He asked how much formula Monkey was eating & I told him it varied between 43 – 48.5 ounces.  He said that we should start Monkey on rice cereal.  I told him that I had hoped to wait until Monkey was 6 months old, but that he wasn’t seeming satisfied because he has been eating every 2 hours (when awake).  The pediatrician gave me some information about starting solids & I just kept thinking, “Oh my gosh, Monkey is such a big boy now.”

I also asked if we should limit the amount of time that Monkey is in the Bumbo or the Jumperoo & he said no.  He also said that Monkey should be sitting unassisted any day now since he seems well on his way to trying to sit up.

This afternoon we tried the rice cereal.  Tarzan had the video camera in one hand & the regular camera in the other.  I followed the directions on the rice cereal & mixed 1tbsp with 5oz of formula.  It was super watery.  Like instead of rice cereal it should be called rice soup.  Tarzan kept saying that it was going to take me 3 hours to feed that liquid in a spoon to Monkey.  I just laughed it off… initially.

I put the first spoonful of rice cereal into Monkey’s mouth & he made a priceless face.  Of course most of the liquid ran down his chin.  After about 10 spoonfuls of this happening, I came to the conclusion that perhaps I mixed it wrong because it was so watery & if I didn’t mix it wrong, then Monkey simply isn’t ready.  I think he still has the tongue reflex thing to prevent foreign objects from entering his mouth & to prevent him from choking.

I think I’ll try rice cereal again next week.  I don’t want to force this solids thing on Monkey; I simply want him to be satisfied with his meals.

Anyways, it was pretty priceless to see him try to get the hang of a spoon & make the most adorable faces ever.

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Now that I’m a mom I find myself thinking (& perhaps) wondering about baby milestones.  Yesterday I needed a break & I popped in the movie The Proposal, sat Monkey down on the floor with tons of toys, & we played together while I caught glimpses of the movie.

I had him on his back & it’s nothing new that he loves to be on his side, either one.  But what was new was that he rolled over from his back to his left side to his belly.  I had the biggest smile on my face, no joke.  This is huge stuff, people!

I yelled down for Tarzan to come upstairs to see his son rolling from his back to his belly & sure enough, Monkey rolled over again.  He didn’t like it too much, or it started him because soon after being on his belly he would cry.

We would both super proud parents.  Since I couldn’t contain my excitement, I sent out a tweet so others could join in my happiness.  Well maybe people were thrilled about Monkey & were reminded of when their son/daughter rolled for the first time.

Ahh, such great memories!

Monkey:  ”Mom, when was the first time I rolled over?”

Me:  ”Well, you see, I was tired one afternoon & took a lazy day.  I played with you on the floor while I also watched a movie.  You rolled then.”

But then there was that one tweet.  You know the kind of tweet I’m talking about.  The person who says, “Congrats. My son rolled over at 2 months.”

Oh sh!t.  Two months & Monkey is just about four months old?  Is Monkey behind on this baby milestone?  When should a baby roll over?  What age do you start to worry about baby milestones?  What order (if any) do baby milestones follow?  Is Monkey behind on this baby milestone?

Yep, panic consumed me.

Of course I googled & found out what I already knew:  Babies hit their milestones at different times because all babies are different.  You shouldn’t compare your baby to other babies.  & you shouldn’t start to worry about baby milestones until your baby is six months old.  That’s the “official” time that your baby should have hit the milestones for age 0-6 months.

Of course.  There is nothing wrong with Monkey.  Maybe he rolled halfway over a little later than another baby.  That doesn’t mean anything… Or does it?

I think it’s all part of parenting to kind of worry about this stuff.  Is it normal?  Is my baby normal?  When should my baby sit up?  When should my baby roll over?  When should my baby start crawling?  When should my baby do a “mini-pushup”?  How much tummy time is really needed?

So many questions to ponder over.

I guess the only “true” test is when we go to the pediatrician’s office in about a week.  I’ll ask him about some baby milestones & then I’ll decide to not worry about this anymore.  I’m pretty sure that my little boy is thriving & learning so much during the day.

But, come clean with me here so I know I’m not alone… Have/Do you ever wonder about your baby hitting the proper baby milestones too?

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Remember that episode of Friends where Rachel’s pediatrician drops her as a client for constantly calling him about concerns with Emma?

Well that’s me.  Not exactly in the fact that Monkey’s pediatrician has dropped me though.  More in like that I scheduled an appointment for Monkey today because I found a bump.

And anyone that knows anything knows that a bump is usually not good.  And that it can mean cancer.  And this “knowledge” sent me into a new-mom frenzy.  So much so that I didn’t even want to blog about it yesterday.  I was really freaked out about this bump.

I made a pact with God yesterday that as long as my little boy was okay, I could handle anything myself… Just let my little boy be healthy.  Please.  From the bottom of my heart.

Fast-forward to our appointment first thing this morning.  Thank God that Tarzan was there with me because I wouldn’t have been able to handle it.  The pediatrician came in & we showed him the bump.

Know what he said?

“Oh, this is just the tip of his sternum.  Some are caved in & some poke out.  Completely normal & nothing to worry about.”

Hallelujah!

So, yes, I made an appointment because I was frantic about a bump I found.  It turned out to be my son’s sternum.  Sternum, as in no big deal at all.

Hopefully my pediatrician won’t drop us because he thinks that Monkey’s mom is stupid.

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Well it’s about damn time.

I finally found a pediatrician that I like & that did not supply me with the words “please google” at Monkey’s two month old appointment!

This is good news, people!

I’ll admit it, I was worried about experiencing the whole two month shot thing, but I was way more worried about this new pediatrician since we “fired” the first one for telling us to google torticollis.  (It’s so funny because no matter who I tell that story to, no one can believe it.)

Monkey & I arrived at the office and there is a separate room for 9 month old babies and younger, which I like.  I feel like once Monkey is older I won’t care as much about germs as I do now.  I’m a bit fanatical about it at the moment, as most first-time moms are I suppose.

I filled out the paperwork & sat us down in the separate room.  There was a lady with a four month old and another lady with a five week old.  The lady with the five week old was asking if it gets better.  I giggled & told her that even though I’m only about four weeks ahead of her, it gets SO much better.  Those first weeks are really rough… for everyone, not just me.

The nurse called us back and we went into an exam room.  A cute exam room with letters from kiddos to the doctor and animals on the wall.  Oh and I did not see any trash cans overflowing with garbage either.  What a plus!

So I undressed Monkey and the nurse (really nice, by the way) measured his length and then we went to weigh him on the scale.  My little boy is growing so much; here are his stats:

Weight: 12lbs 4 oz (50-75%)
Height/Length: 24.5 (95%)
Head Circumference: 15 3/4 (50%)

The pediatrician came in and I immediately liked him.  Yes, I said him.  I wanted a female, but there was not a female available until the middle of October at this practice, so I opted for the male pediatrician.  Anyways, he looked nice.  Like a big teddy bear almost.

He looked at Monkey & was wonderful with my questions.  He laughed when I told him about the first pediatrician & her famous “just google” words.  Most importantly, he made me feel super comfortable & did not rush me and Monkey out of there.  He took his time with us, which is very important.  I hate waiting in the waiting room for a long time, but it’s worth it if the pediatrician spends time with you to make you feel like you know what the hell you are doing with your baby.  It’s a good thing.

I told him about my mom constantly talking about rice cereal & he asked me if I’d fed Monkey any yet.  I told him that I hadn’t & he said good.  He said that he waits until the baby is at least 14 pounds, but that there is no rush.

I told him that I was sort of nervous about this whole H1N1 (swine) flu.  I know that it’s all from the media, but being a first-time mom I just want Monkey to be healthy & not get sick.  He recommended that Tarzan & I get the H1N1 vaccine when it comes out next month.  (I’m not completely sure how I feel about that just yet.)

He also said that there is no reason why Monkey should be around other kids right now; he’s just too young.  He said that H1N1 (swine) flu is multiplying quickly… just yesterday he saw 35 kids with swine flu.  Thirty-five!

He also confirmed that Monkey does have torticollis & he told me to continue with the physical therapy for him & that it should get better in a couple of months.  He also gave me handouts & showed me how to do neck exercises.  Wow, a pediatrician that actually shows me what to do.  A-ma-zing.

Next the nurse came in & administered the rotavirus shot in Monkey’s mouth.  He actually liked the taste of this, so I was thinking that the rest would be smooth sailing.  Oh no, I was wrong.

The nurse told me to sing to him, talk to him, or do whatever I could to really distract him.  It worked for a little bit… until the nurse pricked him with the first shot.  And he screamed.  Then the next shot.  More screaming.  Then the final shot & more screaming, complete with a bright red face that I thought would explode.

In the (almost) nine weeks Monkey has been alive, I’ve NEVER, and I repeat, never, heard him scream like that.  It broke my heart, but I did not cry.  I quickly picked him up in my arms and loved him & the crying stopped.  We left the pediatrician’s office complete with three tasmanian devil Band-Aids on each of his thighs.

The pediatrician told me to give him Infant’s Tylenol every four hours while he was awake for a 24- hour period.

Monkey is sound asleep & it’s about 9:30pm right now.  He was not fussy at all today, ate the usual amount, & didn’t sleep more than normal.  In fact, his day & behavior was extremely normal for him.  He doesn’t have any kind of rash, so there’s no reaction to the shots.  All in all, the pediatrician appointment and the two month old vaccinations were a success.

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As I sit here blogging this morning, I can tell that there is a little difference in me.  I feel just a tad different today.  Maybe lighter, like I feel confident about getting through the day.  This lightness is definitely a new feeling, but one that I welcome with open arms.

Yesterday was a good day.  I cancelled Monkey’s two month appointment with his original pediatrician (you know, the one that told me to google torticollis for information and neck exercises) and scheduled him another appointment with a different pediatrician in a whole different practice altogether.  I just can’t put my son’s life in an idiot’s hands.

The new pediatrician appointment is set for September 22nd and while it’s not too terribly long away, I wanted to be proactive on this torticollis thing, if that’s even what he has.  Shoot, I’m hoping that he just prefers one side over the other, but we’ll see today at his other appointment.

I found a pediatric therapist online yesterday that has a practice in my area.  I called them for information and to see if I needed a referral or if I could just schedule an appointment.  I told her the whole google story with the previous pediatrician and how I didn’t really want to wait until the 22nd to hear what the new pediatrician said.

This lady was amazing on the phone.  She told me that she could not believe that a pediatrician had told me to google and that I needed to stop looking up torticollis online because it would just scare me (I agreed).  She said that most of the times torticollis is nothing to worry about; simply do neck exercises that I would be taught and the neck will straighten out.  She said that 1 out of maybe 100,000 cases is more serious.  She made me promise that I wouldn’t look online anymore and to come in to the office today at 10am.  Score!

I’m so excited about this appointment because I don’t want my little boy to have a crooked neck.  I’m actually thankful that the moron pediatrician threw out the word “torticollis” for me to look up so that his neck didn’t go untreated.  I actually just chalked his slightly crooked neck up to his position in my uterus.  Maybe I’m still right, but I’m thinking there’s probably a little more to it than just his positioning.  Regardless I’ll find out today in a few hours!

As if yesterday wasn’t busy enough, I had my therapy appointment for postpartum depression.  Before I went I actually thought about canceling just because I wasn’t sure what we would talk about.  I felt like there would be no conversation on my end, but I was wrong.  It surprises me how many words actually come out of my mouth when I’m in a therapy session, and this was only the 2nd time!

We talked about my mom coming over and helping out and how that really was great for me.  The therapist said that I needed more help though.  She said that I needed to be sleeping from about 9pm until 6am every single night.  She said that I could take Monkey and go to my parent’s house for two nights (or my mom could come to my house, whichever is more convenient for my mom), Tarzan would need to stay up with Monkey for two nights, get a postpartum doula for two nights, and then me being up with Monkey one night.

It all sounds great, but I’m not sure that Tarzan could swing two nights of being up with him.  Like I mentioned before, Monkey isn’t sleeping too well these days and it seems like Tarzan would be just completely drained.  I brought this up with the therapist and she said that Tarzan would be able to do it.  After all, he didn’t just have a baby and he isn’t still healing physically and emotionally from that.  She said that he would be able to fall right back asleep after dealing with Monkey (something that takes me forever to do) and that it would not bother him as much as I thought.

Since Tarzan stayed at home with Monkey while I was there yesterday, he will go with me to the next appointment on Monday to talk more about this situation.  I guess we’ll see what comes out of it.

I told the therapist about the one and only friend I have here that has a baby and that I have been avoiding her calls to get together.  Of course I feel bad for avoiding the calls, but I feel like my friend’s life with baby has been so easy from the beginning.  Her son is almost one year old and she loves every minute of being a mom.  I told the therapist that I’ve been avoiding her because I feel super inadequate and I haven’t told her my feelings.

The therapist said that I wasn’t being “real” with her and therefore could not establish a bond with her.  I agreed.  She thought that it would be best for me to talk to my friend and see how she responded with talking to her about all that’s been going on with me.  After all, it would be nice to have a real life friend to talk to in addition to all of you lovely Internet friends.

I told the therapist that I was going to stop by my friend’s house after my appointment and see how she reacted to me talking to her, to see if we could establish this friend-mom-baby kind of bond that I apparently need in my life.  The therapist thought this was a great idea.

When I left her office, I drove straight over to my friend’s house, luckily she lives in the next neighborhood over.  After we made a little small talk, I told her everything and of course I cried.  If I haven’t told you before, I’m so sick of crying.  Ha, ha.

Surprisingly she said that being a mom is not completely easy for her.  She said that she cried in the beginning too.  She said that some days she just wants to scream because she is so frustrated.  I asked her if she ever felt like her baby was a stranger in the beginning and she said yes.  I was happy.

I’ve known all along that I should have a “mommy” friend to talk to and hang out with, but I always felt like I needed to feel better about being a mom first.  I now realize that I was wrong in my thinking.  I actually need a “mommy” friend to help me know that I’m doing okay being a mom and that things I’m going through won’t be here forever.  I will get past this dark cloud that I haven’t been able to escape just yet.

After we had a beer and talked more, we decided that we would take our boys on a walk this morning.  It will be good for Monkey to get some fresh air and it will be refreshing for me as well.  I’m actually really looking forward to this walk.  I know it’s just a walk, but it symbolizes so much for me.

Yes, I’ll admit, I’m proud of myself… there, I said it.  I stepped out of my comfort zone (read: isolation) and feel like I’m moving in the right direction.  It’s a small step, but a very much needed one.  It’s the step that I will continue to build on day after day.  I don’t have all the answers now and I don’t even know if I’ll feel this confident later this afternoon, but I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts.

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It’s been a pretty crazy past few days.  I can say that while I’m still feeling down in the dumps with postpartum depression, it does seem to be getting better than it was a week ago.  I haven’t blogged in a week because things have been so out of whack and I didn’t want to sound like such a Debbie-Downer in any posts.  I’ve noticed that when I’m feeling the worst, I retreat from blogging, answering my phone, and doing anything that I used to enjoy doing.

It’s like a force that is stronger than me comes over me and I just sulk in the house.  I know that answering my phone, tweeting on twitter, blogging, and getting out of the house actually makes me feel better, but some days I just don’t have the energy or desire.  I’m ready for all of this to pass because I feel like there’s so much I’m missing out on.

And I’m just going to say it again, I’m so. sick. of. crying.  Since last Monday I’ve improved and only cried two days out of the past seven, but still.  I’m so tired of feeling sad and weepy all of the time.

Right now I just put Monkey down in his pack ‘n play to sleep for (hopefully) a little while.  His sleeping has been out of whack these past few days and I don’t know what’s going on.  Prior to this past Thursday it seemed as if he was getting on more of a routine and he seemed thisclose to sleeping through the night.

He would take his bottle around 10pm, sleep until about 3am and only eat an ounce or two, and then sleep until 8am.  It was great and I really thought the worst was behind us.  Of course that only lasted until Wednesday night and then all hell broke loose.  I have no idea what happened.

Thursday we took Tarzan’s dad and stepmom to the airport to leave.  I was actually sad to see them go.  Despite the fact that they were in the way at the beginning of their stay, they turned out to be really helpful.  They fed Monkey and played with him just to soak him all in and also to give me a break so that I could take a bath, read a book, etc.  While Tarzan and I took turns feeding Monkey at that 3am feeding, his stepmom woke up for the next feeding so that we could go back to sleep.

It was very nice to hand him off to her at 8am and then sleep until noon.  Yes, I was very sad to see them go.

We took Monkey to the airport with us on Thursday and on the way home he started crying his eyes out in the car.  It was awful to listen to him cry and not be able to do anything to comfort him because I couldn’t take him out of his car seat.  When we got home I fed him, tried to play with him, and then put him down for a nap.  That didn’t happen.

We were developing such a good routine for the two weeks that my in-laws were here and then it all changed on Thursday.  Monkey didn’t sleep at night like he had been doing and nothing changed in that respect.  He was a lot more fussy and Tarzan and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong.  Thursday night I was up with him about every two hours.  It was rough.

Friday morning he was still being really fussy.  He was biting down on anything he could (this was new), drooling, and some other symptoms of teething.  He’s only 6 weeks old and I thought it was too early for him to be teething, but decided that I would call the pediatrician just to rule it out.

The nurse called back about an hour later and asked if we could come in for an appointment.  I thought it would be a good idea to go since it was Labor Day weekend and the office would be closed on Monday.

My mom had said that she was going to come over and help out over the weekend, so when she arrived at my house we left to go to the pediatrician.  This pediatrician appointment solidified my thinking that we needed a different one.

First of all, I’ve never liked the office.  I know that this was only the second time of being in the office, but I didn’t have a good gut feeling either time.  When my mom and I walked back to go to the exam room we both noticed the amounts of trash piled up and overflowing from the garbage cans.  Yes, it was 4pm on a Friday, but how sanitary is it to have trash literally on the floor?

Absolutely disgusting and totally uncalled for, if you ask me.

The pediatrician came in and I told her about the teething symptoms and she ruled it out immediately because of the fact that he was 6 weeks old.  She never looked at his gums at all.  Then I asked why he was fussy and she said that it could be reflux or colic.  She told me to look up Dr. Harvey Karp for information on colic.

Then I told her that Monkey’s head tilts to the left.  She said that it was torticollis and to google it.  Yes, the pediatrician told me to google on what exactly this torticollis was and what exercises to do to help with it.  I was highly irritated at this point because why in the hell was I paying her money to hear to google something.

Then she said, “Have you done the newborn screen yet?” and I told her no.  She said, “Oops, I must have forgotten to have you go to the hospital on Monkey’s 2 week old appointment, so could you go to the hospital and have it done now?”

Oops?  Really?  You’re a doctor.  Shouldn’t you remember this kind of stuff?!

I paid the $30 co-pay and my mom and I went over to the hospital to have Monkey’s heel pricked.  He didn’t even cry at all.  What a good little boy!

When my mom and I got home we googled “torticollis” to find out what it was.  Now I should let you know that while I was pregnant, even though I hardly had any worries, I was very hesitant to google anything.  I always that googling gives you the worst case scenario for many things and I don’t like it because it just worries me.

Same thing with googling “torticollis“.  I read that x-rays needed to be done to rule out spine problems.  Hips needed to be checked for hip hip dysplasia.  Of course everything freaked me out: surgery, physical therapy, etc.  Even the articles I read about neck exercises to strengthen the neck said “check with your pediatrician first so that he/she can show you how to properly do the exercises”.

What’s up with my luck with doctors lately?!

I decided that I am no longer going to use that pediatrician and I will find another one tomorrow.  We’ve all been doing neck exercises during the day and I’ve been keeping Monkey out of the swing because I think the swing makes it worse.  If anyone has any experience with their baby favoring one side of head, please let me know what you did to fix it.

Anyways, so my mom stayed from Friday until today and it was so nice having her here.  Yesterday I felt like I was getting sick, so I really stayed in bed all day and night.  Not gonna lie, it was nice to be in bed.  Oh how I do miss that big piece of furniture.

Today I decided that I’m going to pack up my office, which is downstairs, and turn that into the baby’s nursery.  I should have just done it in the first place and listened to all of you that suggested that, but no, I’m difficult and have to learn things on my own.  The painters are coming over tomorrow to paint the room (right now it’s pink) and my dad will be helping Tarzan move my office furniture out and the nursery furniture in.

The reason for this move is because I haven’t yet found a place for Monkey to sleep that I like.  The pack ‘n play used to be in the living room and then we moved it in our room.  After it being in our room for a little while, I’ve decided that I don’t like that either.  It’s a pain in the butt when I need to change into my pj’s or if I can’t sleep and want to turn on the tv.  Plus, I feel like I have to be so quiet because I’m scared to make any noise and wake him up.

So I’m hoping that I’ll like his nursery being downstairs, but in another room so I can still get on with my day/night and not have to worry about waking him up.  Keep your fingers crossed.

As far as Monkey’s sleep, well, that hasn’t improved.  In fact, it’s gotten worse.  My mom stayed up with him last night so that I could sleep through the night and she said that Monkey was up every two hours.  Sometimes he was hungry, but sometimes he just fell asleep on her chest.  I don’t know if he just doesn’t like the pack ‘n play or what, but life has been more difficult with a baby who is super exhausted but won’t sleep.

He will sleep for hours in his swing, but I don’t want to go that route because of his supposed torticollis.  I don’t want my son to have a crooked neck, or to have to have surgery so he is staying out of the swing for a while.

It’s so strange because I have no idea what happened to the schedule he was supposedly on.  Somehow everything got mixed up and he’s like a two week old again.  I was thinking that it’s his 6-week growth spurt, but I’m not sure because I feel like he should be eating more for that.

I’m just hoping that tonight is better since my mom is not here.

As far as my therapist appointment last Monday… It was great.  We talked about therapy in addition to a psychiatrist and I got the name of a new psychiatrist from the therapist.  Like I said before, Tarzan knows her and him and I both went to this appointment.

I talked, in great detail, about how I’ve been feeling and I shed many tears during this 90-minute period.  It felt good to talk about everything.  The therapist specializes in postpartum depression and she said that it cannot be “cured” without therapy in addition to medicine.  It’s not like regular depression in that case.  I have no problem with that and I actually enjoyed talking to her.

Of course I feel like I’ve waited so long to blog about everything that I’ve probably forgotten a good portion, but something that sticks out in my mind is that she kept saying that I was the “perfect candidate” for postpartum depression.  The “perfect storm”, if you will.  The fact that Monkey was a huge surprise, that I was so adamant on not wanting to lose myself with having a baby, that I work from home so am somewhat isolated, that none of my friends have children, etc.

Everything was aligned for postpartum depression to set in.

The therapist said that the US is so backwards when it comes to the aftermath of women having babies.  She said that in other countries, even poverty-stricken ones, the new mother has tons of help for months after having a baby.  It’s a village that helps take care of the mom and the new baby.

In the US, we all feel like we have to hurry up and get back to normal.  We have people stay with us for a week or two and then are sent on our way to be a new mother.  In other countries, new moms are shown the ropes and taught how to take care of a baby.  To be a mentor to the new mom.

The therapist recommended us getting a postpartum doula to help out.  I will admit that I have many reservations about this, even though I think I would benefit from it, which is why I had my mom come and stay for a few days this past weekend.  I think part of me feels like I’m almost 7-weeks into this and I should be able to deal with it on my own.  I have another appointment with the therapist later this week, so I know we’ll talk about this.

She also gave me Brooke Shields “Down Came the Rain” postpartum journey book to read.  I finished it today and have to say that she wrote exactly how I’ve been feeling.  To a “t”.  It’s nice to hear that I’m not crazy, other people suffer from postpartum depression, and, more importantly, that there is hope.  I related to everything Brooke said in the book and felt like she was in my head while writing it.

I can’t wait until I can get to the point where I enjoy being a mom.  I am disappointed that I’m not “there” yet, but do have hope that my time will come soon.  I can’t wait to look at my son and feel peace within like this is what it’s all about.  I feel like I’m so far away from that feeling, but again, I have hope.

I guess I have to have hope and believe that things will get better because I want to stop living in this dark cloud I can’t seem to get out of.

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Yesterday marked two weeks since Monkey was born and it was also the first pediatrician appointment.  Yesterday was also the 2nd time I had left the house in a two-week period.  It is no fun to be cooped up in a house for two weeks straight.  I’m so glad that that period is behind me now!

We didn’t interview pediatricians while I was pregnant.  Mostly because any pediatrician that we might have picked near our house wouldn’t be able to check Monkey out at the hospital I was delivering at.  My OB recommended a pediatrician in her building so she is the person that saw Monkey on his 2nd day of life.  After meeting her at the hospital we liked her and decided to stick with her for the first pediatrician appointment at least.

You see, our plan is to move closer to my parents and this pediatrician is centrally located so that works.  Let’s just see how soon we actually move though…

Being that we never interviewed her, yesterday was our first time to see her office.  When we walked in the door the first thing I noticed was all of the bright colors on the wall.  So far, so good.

Then I noticed that there was a room for sick kids and well kids.  This I liked too.  There weren’t too many other kids in the waiting room with us, so I didn’t worry initially about Monkey being inside.  After about 5 minutes had passed about six kids were present in the waiting room.  They were all older so they thought it was cool I guess to go back and forth from the sick room to the well room and this made me nervous.

(Note to self:  When Monkey is older, keep him in the appropriate room so that he doesn’t scare new moms with newborns at the first pediatrician appointment.)

While I finished up filling out the paperwork, I asked Tarzan to take Monkey out in the hallway to wait.  It was far less crowded and I thought it might be just a little less germy for a new baby.  As soon as T. took Monkey out, the nurse told me that his room was ready.  Go figure!

We made it back to room #15 and I realized just what a big practice it was.  There are five other pediatricians in the same practice so that means a ton of patients.  I’m not sure that I like that too much, but I also have to be realistic that I can’t shield Monkey away from every little thing, no matter how hard I try.

(Question for you: Do you think it’s a big deal to take your baby/kid to a big practice like this rather than a single doctor in an office?)

The pediatrician came right in and asked us to undress Monkey completely with the exception of his diaper.  Tarzan did this while I finished filling out the paperwork (a ton!) and realized that his diaper needed to be changed.  T. had no idea where he should do it and I told him to do it on the table that Monkey would be examined on.  I totally forgot to lay out the diaper changing pad that was in the diaper bag.

Hey, give us a break, it was the first time to even carry a diaper bag and I was quite impressed that I remembered to put all the necessities in it!

After the diaper was changed we took him off to be weighed.  His official weight was 7 lb, 15 oz and the pediatrician was pleased that he gained his birth weight (7 lb, 12 oz) back plus a few more ounces.  Go little Monkey!

The little guy has also grown an inch longer.  He was 20.25 inches when born and yesterday he was 21.25 inches.  Again, the pedi. was happy about this too!

We all went back into the examination room and she checked his heart (“just lovely“) and looked at his penis (“doing great“) and then she asked what questions we had.  Here are the questions I asked:

1.  Do we still need to use vaseoline on his penis? No.

2.  Do we need gas drops since he seems gassy, but doesn’t seem bothered by them? She said that she likes gas because it means that the digestive system is working.  If he seems bothered by it we can give him Mylicon, which is perfectly safe.

3.  How do I know if I have low milk production? She said that it is extremely rare for the mom to have milk production.  If I think that because he wants to nurse a lot, it is probably just cluster feeding and not that anything is wrong with me.

4.  How often should he sleep per day?  Is there such a thing as too much? She said that babies sleep a lot, something like 16-18 hours a day.

5.  Is it okay for him to sleep in his swing for hours at a time? She said that this was just fine, but make sure that he isn’t head down for the breathing passage in his throat to be clear for SIDS prevention.

6.  When can we go out in public with him? She said that while she likes people to wait, she realizes that it’s not realistic so to just be smart about it.  Don’t let people touch him or breathe on him right now.  We can go for walks but just make sure that he isn’t in direct sunlight.  No one wants a burnt baby!

7.  What medicines can I take while breastfeeding? For headaches she said Tylenol.  For allergies, Zyrtec.

8.  When can we use lotion and shampoo on him? She said for right now to continue the sponge bath with just using warm water.  After his umbilical cord falls off, we can use an infant bathtub for him.  She said that she prefers lotions and shampoo that are free of color and fragrance.

9.  Should we be doing tummy time now or is it too soon? She said that we could try while supervised, but that he probably wouldn’t like it too much.

10.  Is his peeling skin normal? Totally normal.  He’s like my little reptile right now shedding his skin.

11.  Should we wake him up or let him feed on demand? She said that since he is gaining weight to let him sleep because it seems like he knows when to wake up and eat.  If he should sleep for 6 hours at night, make sure that he eats a little more throughout the day to account for that time sleeping.

12.  When can he fly in a plane? She said that right now is the easiest time.  I told her that I was worried about flying because of swine flu and she agreed that once kids go back to school it will get bad.  She said that she would wait and see how bad it gets before purchasing our plane ticket.

13.  Are sleep positioners ok? She said that they were just fine.

14.  His left eye seems to get really crusty after he has been sleeping.  His right eye doesn’t.  Any reason for that? She said something about his tear duct and needing to massage the corner of his left eye to help it.  Completely normal though.

15.  Do we still need to clean the umbilical cord with alcohol? She said that we didn’t need to do that anymore.  It’s close to falling off, so we can just wait for that to happen.  Once it does fall off she said to give it a day or two before getting that area wet.

All in all it was a great first pediatrician appointment!  His next pediatrician appointment is at 2 months old and I can’t believe how fast time is going already.  You all weren’t kidding when y’all told us that.  Wow!

Disclaimer: Please remember that Tarzan and I are not doctors.  All of this information that is being shared with you applies to our baby and his pediatrician.  If you have questions, you should consult your own pediatrician’s advice.

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