Going on vacation is always fun, but stepping away from reality & coming right back into it is very hard for me.  Like others, I almost need a vacation from my vacation.

Tarzan & I were in Vegas without Monkey.  It was a great time, complete with no schedules, routines, or other people to worry about.  The biggest decisions were what kind of drinks to order, what shows to see, & what table to gamble on.  It was such a change from my current reality & it was a very nice & well-needed break.

But then real life came crashing down once our plane touched down in Houston.  We had to meet my mom to pick up Monkey & found ourselves immediately rushing around.  Nothing in Vegas was rushed, so being thrusted back into it pretty much sucked, for lack of better words.

We were so incredibly excited to see Monkey so it didn’t matter.  We’d only been away from him one other time & this time was different.  In Vegas I found myself looking around at the other babies & missing Monkey terribly.  It didn’t help that every time he heard my voice on the phone he freaked out.  I was sad & missed my little boy a lot.

So when my mom offered for him to stay with her one more night, there was no way that I could do that.  We were really eager to see him.

But Oh. My. Gosh.

After being up late the night before, being stuck in the Vegas airport for a few hours, & flying, I just wanted to crash on the couch… but I couldn’t because there was a little person that needed to be taken care of.  Oh right, that’s the way that I wanted it, I remembered.

Luckily it was around Monkey’s bedtime, so we just gave him a bath & put him to bed.  I thought that I was all ready to just resume my routine the next day, but I found myself dragging & not doing anything.  And the same rang true until today.  Today I’m getting us back to our usual activities because I need it.  & Monkey is probably bored.

I started weaning off my anti-depressant in April.  By May 1st, I was completely off of it.  I was exercising daily & doing many activities with other moms & babies.  I felt great & would often tell Tarzan, “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”  & it was all true.

But this past week happened & I’ve felt overwhelmed.  I’ve been thisclose to losing my patience with Monkey.  I’ve yelled at Tarzan.  I’ve been lazy with taking medicine (stupid, I know).  I bought SlimQuick (diet pill) on a whim because I was feeling fat.  Monkey & I haven’t hung out with other moms & babies either.  Last night I realized that while I’m not depressed, I’m not in a healthy place at the moment.

& that scares me.

Last night I was telling Tarzan that it’s like a ripple effect:  When I exercise in the morning, the rest of my day is good.  I make better choices when it comes to food.  I have more patience all around.  It’s just a lot better.  & when I don’t exercise, the ripple isn’t good.  I find myself beating myself up about my weight.  I pick on myself any chance I get.  I fight with my husband over the dumbest things.  It’s just not good.

& believe it or not, for me, it’s all about making the initial choice to exercise in the morning.  Who knew?!

So today Monkey & I are exercising & we are going to go back to our normal activities.  I know that it suits me so much better & takes me to a happy place.  A true place of joy.  I am a better mom & wife.  My house does not look like a tornado has come through it.  I have more patience with my husband & am just a nicer person.  Plus, I feel so much better about myself & that’s worth its weight in gold to me.

It’s probably all about balance in life.  It’s the same with being a wife & a mother.  I think it’s just something that I have to learn & figure out.  But I’ll tell you this right now, & I never thought that I would say it, having a routine seems to suit me & my baby in a very healthy way.

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I’ll just go ahead & admit it right now:  I was cocky about how easy it would be to lose weight postpartum.  Obviously I’d never had a baby before & I was not factoring in how my body has changed from pregnancy.

I really thought losing weight would be a piece of cake.  Simple.  Very easy.  Damn, how naive I was!

Monkey turned 9 months old a few days ago &  I’m still not back to my pre-pregnancy clothes… but I have come to realize that no matter how much weight I lose, my body is just different.  Different meaning that even if I weighed the same amount as I did before I was pregnant, who knows, my clothes still might not fit just right.

And even though that is not the way I wish it was, I do accept it because I was able to carry Monkey inside of me for 9 months.  My body is a lot more flabby right now, but that’s just the product of having a baby.  And that’s okay.

But what’s not okay is the fact that I feel so lost on how to lose weight just to feel more healthy.  Screw fitting back into my size 4 jeans; I just want to slim down my muffin top.  (It’s the little things now!)

As you know, I’ve been doing StrollerFit five days a week (sometimes six) & I usually take Monkey for a walk/jog in the afternoon, or do P90X, 30 day shred, or a similar video.  Yes, I am stronger & my friends have even been able to see a difference.  I know that I’m getting there but it’s easy for me to become discouraged.

Since January I’ve been doing Nutrisystem.  I love the convenience of not having to cook, but I haven’t had too much weight loss from it.  I talked to a counselor & was told that I was not eating enough due to the amount of exercise that I’ve been doing (burning about 600 calories a day).

I was told to add a protein bar after my morning workout & a fruit before the workout.  I was convinced this would be just what I needed, but nope, it’s not.  The scale isn’t moving.  I know that muscle weighs more than fat.  I know that I should measure my inches so I can see some progress, but I’m a scale kind of girl.  I like seeing the numbers go down.

I know, I know… I shouldn’t be complaining…  but I am.

I’ve had this gut feeling that I should stop Nutrisystem for about a week now.  I’ve been ignoring it simply because Nutrisystem is mindless.  No cooking except popping a bag of veggies in the microwave at night.  Simple.  But I don’t think I can ignore the feeling I have anymore.

You can cook your NS foods in the microwave or on the stovetop.  I prefer to pop the food in the microwave because it’s fast & easy.  That being said, I have serious issues with microwaving every dinner & sometimes at lunch.  I mean, that cannot be good for a person.

I also have slight issues with the fact that my food arrives in a box, that does not have to be refrigerated or kept in the freezer.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner, & my desserts can all live on the shelf in my pantry.  To me, this is odd.

Not that I’m striving to eat clean, but NS is appealing to me less & less lately.  So much so that I think I’m going to cancel my order today.  But that leaves me with having to cook meals & even find meals to cook.  (I don’t like cooking & I don’t pretend to like it.)

I think the way to go is good ole calorie counting.  Calories in vs. calories burned.  Easy.  Or at least that’s my thought.  Lots of fruits & veggies.  Little to no junk.  Lots of water.  Exercise.  The pounds should just melt off.  Oh, yeah, that’s exactly what I thought about Nutrisystem too.

I took a look at Weight Watchers, but the site alone frightens me.  I just don’t get it.  How do you know how many points foods are?  How do you know how many points you are allowed?  I thought about going to a meeting, but I’m nervous & I don’t know why.  I guess I just don’t want to look like an idiot since WW is very popular & apparently very easy for other people to follow.

I also looked at SparkPeople.com.  It looks good & it’s free, but it makes me nervous to keep track of everything.

I know that my apprehension to all of this dieting stuff is just because it’s so foreign to me.  Before getting pregnant I never had to worry about this stuff, so now I feel lost.  I need a direction, but I don’t know what to do.  If any of you have any insight on WW, SparkPeople, or anything else that I should know about, please let me know.

Who knew that losing weight would be so hard after pregnancy?  Oh & combine that my hypothyroid from pregnancy – weight loss is definitely kicking my ass.

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My, my, it feels like forever since I’ve blogged.  It’s definitely not that I haven’t had a million things to talk about; it’s the time it takes to actually do it.  Whew.

Things are going really great lately.  I’m so happy being Monkey’s mom & we have really fallen into a great groove.  Today we started Stroller Fit and while it’s not totally what I thought it would be, it’s fun!

What did I think it would be?

Well, for one thing, I didn’t think it would be very hard.  I’m not in the best shape, but I thought that we’d be singing nursery rhymes to our babies while throwing in some jumping jacks.  Let’s just say that I was completely wrong.

I guess I should have figured it out while I watched very fit moms getting out of their cars with their babies & strollers in tact… That should have been my first clue.  I’m currently a solid size 10 & I was the biggest person there.  Everyone else, and I’m not exaggerating, was a size 4 at the most.

(You know that I just wanted to drive away immediately, but I did not.)  It’s just not too exciting to be the biggest person in a new exercise group, but I made it just fine.

So Stroller Fit…

We started marching in place.  Easy, right?  Then we did lunges & push ups while singing our babies the “ABC’s”.  Then we ran across the park two times, back & forth, back & forth.  (I was starting to fade here.  I don’t run & I hate trying to pretend that I’m good at running.)

After running & being completely out of breath while everyone else seemed just fine, we lined up in the middle of the field & did side kicks & squats to the end of the field (it was far away).  We did that four times & oh.my.gosh was it hard.

Then we did some arm stuff with resistance bands while singing to our little ones in the strollers.  Next it was time for our long run.  Ugh.  We started running & had to cross the parking lot.  I really wanted to take a tiny detour to my car that was parked, but I didn’t want to be that girl.  As that thought was running through my head, the instructor said something like, “Y’all are moms.  Y’all can do this.”

Oh damn, here I come running away.

After running, doing lunges, squats, side lunges, and more running, it was time for wall squats.  Then we did some partner stuff with resistance bands, ran some more, and then did abs.

Stroller Fit was the kind of workout that I will definitely be doing every day that I can, but it’s also the kind of thing that I’ll sort of be dreading because it is hard.  I know it will pay off & I love that Monkey will be around me (& other moms) exercising because I like what it teaches him.  But, oy, I know I’m going to be sore.

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Let the losing of my pregnancy weight begin. *cue Biggest Loser music*

Today was Day 1 of going to the gym & it was awesome.  Once I actually get my ass to the gym I develop a new attitude, almost instantly.  It’s just getting to the gym that is the problem.

I actually had to re-join the gym & did that yesterday.  The trainer that was signing me up was totally trying to get me to pay for some training sessions too.  I, very matter of factly, told him that I didn’t need a trainer.  It’s true – I don’t.  I’ve worked out my whole life & I’ve had trainers in the past.  I know how to use the equipment & my focus right now is to lose this pregnancy weight & get back down to my normal weight.

I told him, “Even though it may not seem like I know what I’m doing in the gym, I do.  I just haven’t been in a while & had a baby.”  He said, “Oh, I’m not judging you, but when I was in high school I ran track, blah blah blah, & after I met with a trainer last year I’m more efficient.”

Good for you, I said.  I have issues with some of these trainers that don’t know what they are doing out there.  If we were talking Jillian or Bob from the Biggest Loser, I’m game.  I know they would kick my ass in a good way.  But regardless, I know that I can do it on my own & if I struggle then I’ll re-evaluate if I want a trainer… & that’s just what I told Mr. Personal Trainer himself.  I don’t think he liked me very much after that.

Anyways, today was my first day back & I was stoked to go.  I just had to wait for Monkey to go down for his first nap of the day.  After he was sleeping, I threw on my clothes & left in a heartbeat.  So excited.

I ended up doing the elliptical for 45 minutes, treadmill (walking 1 minute & running 1 running) for 10 minutes, & the bike for 5 minutes.  My goal was to get in an hour of cardio, so I was successful!  After cardio I worked on strength training for my arms & shoulders.  It was a good workout & I was gone for 1.5 hours.

I purposely did not bring in my cell so that I could have this time alone & it was nice.  I had the music on my iPod turned up really loudly & I just enjoyed my gym time.  I know it’s something I’m going to look forward to daily.

OK, here’s where I’m thrilled this is an anonymous blog… I weighed myself today & the numbers are high.  I mean, really high.  I know numbers are just numbers, but it was painful to see 187.2 on the scale.  Yuck.  I’ve never weighed this much in my entire life.

And the reason that I’m sharing that large number with you is for accountability & motivation.  I want to happily report that I’m back to my normal weight as soon as I can.  Oh, and I tried on normal (read: non-maternity) pants the other day… Um, size 12.  A freakin’ size 12.  Good grief.

So yeah, I have a ways to go, but today was the start of that journey.  & most surprisingly, I’m not letting that huge number get to me.  It’s not like I’m obese at all – I guess I can be thankful that I’m over 5’6″.  Ha, ha.

So if you want to join me on this accountability thing, feel free!  I need all the motivation I can get.  I’ll leave you with my current short-term goals.

My goals right now:

1.  No more Dr. Pepper

2.  No more fast food, even Chick-Fil-A

3.  Go to the gym at least 4 times a week

4.  Drink lots of water

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I went out to pick up lunch for me & Tarzan today.  While I was standing in line to order my sandwich a girl walked in holding a baby.  I didn’t think too much about it.  Her baby looked to be a couple months younger than Monkey & she was holding him in her arms.

A lady came in behind her and said, “Is that your baby?”  The girl replied that it was her baby.  The lady asked if it was a boy or a girl & was told that it was a boy.  Then the woman, quite rudely I might add, asked how hold the girl was.  Obviously I was quite shocked at the balls of this woman to ask a question like that.  The girl replied that she was 19 years old.

Eh, whatever.  Old, young, rich, poor, black, white – It doesn’t matter.  While an older mom might have more experience with being around kids, I don’t think that it’s fair to think that a young mom won’t be a good mother… Or whatever the older woman was thinking.

But then the older lady asked how old the baby was.  The young mom said that he was 2 months old.

At that point I started to think about Monkey when he was 2 months old.  As my mind started to remember that that was the time when I started feeling better about him & started to like being a mom, I was interrupted by the older lady telling the younger one how fabulous she looked.

Yeah, that’s right.  She just had a baby two months old & was rail thin.  Like Heidi Klum doing the Victoria’s Secret show after just having her baby.  She looked perfect.

It was at that time where I turned around & faced forward.  I kept hiding behind my sunglasses & thanking my lucky stars that Monkey wasn’t with me.  I didn’t want to be compared to the Heidi Klum of post-pregnancy.

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As I put on my maternity jeans today, I realized that while I hate the fact that I’m still wearing maternity jeans, I’m not exactly doing much about it.  As in I’m seriously lacking the motivation for some reason.

I can rattle off a bajillion reasons why I need to lose this damn baby weight, but I would rather eat a Chick-Fil-A sandwich and waffle fries instead.  Oh, okay I’ll be honest:  I washed the above down with a Dr. Pepper.

My size 10 maternity jeans are feeling a bit snug… in the hips & thigh area, which is no good at all.  It’s actually quite depressing that it’s been 3 months since I had Monkey & I’m still wearing maternity pants.  Sigh.

I decided today that I’m going to do more than just walk in the morning with my neighbor.  This is serious business & I need to get off my lazy ass & do something about this current situation.

No lie but when we were at the pumpkin patch my brother was like “Oh wow, she’s a MILF!”  Now while I don’t aspire to necessarily be a MILF, it would be nice to be recognized as one… instead of the frumpy new mom that I see myself as.

I’ve got showering & not having greasy hair down.  I’ve mastered not having a single dirty dish in the sink ever.  And all of our clothes in the house are clean all of the time (& put away, which is a big accomplishment for me I must say.)  My house is clean, including the kitchen appliances & granite.

But I feel frumpy.

Today I ran out to Target & I just thew my hair in a ponytail (what it is always in).  I will even go as far to admit to cyber-world that I didn’t even brush my hair.  Nope, just throw it up in a pony.  I threw on maternity jeans, flip flops, & a shirt and was out the door.

I will say that I did put on my engagement ring (wedding band still doesn’t fit) for the first time since having Monkey (yay!) & I put on my diamond stud earrings, diamond stud necklace, watch, & pearl & diamond ring on my other hand.  This is all jewelry that I used to wear 24/7, even in the shower & sleeping.  For some reason when I was pregnant, I kept it all in my drawer & wanted the “plain” look, I suppose.

Now it’s time to work on myself.  I should take a little extra time & apply some makeup.  Shoot, I should really take the time to brush my hair too.  Just sayin’.

Operation Get-My-Ass-Into-Shape has officially began.

Once my Chick-Fil-A settles, I’m going to sweat my ass off.  (I’m really hoping that Monkey cooperates & stays asleep.)  I think part of the problem is that I’m in lounge wear when Monkey & I don’t leave the house.  Lounge wear is stretchy & I never feel uncomfortable.

Today in my maternity jeans & fitted shirt, I felt uncomfortable.  This is important people.

So, in conclusion, if I have to make myself feel uncomfortable day & night in order to find my motivation I will do so.  I need to get back to the cute, in shape, not eating fast food (even Chick-Fil-A), makeup-wearing, jewelry-loving girl that I used to be.  I used to walk around with such confidence & now I walk around pulling my shirt down in the back so that no one will spy that I’m wearing maternity jeans.

Yesterday I went into the convenience store to pick up some beer for Tarzan.  Of course I got carded (which I don’t mind one bit), but this time it was different.  The dumb girl behind the counter said, “You look different.  Was this picture from a long time ago?”

Oh I wanted to lie & say that it was, but truth be told, it’s not.  It’s a picture from March 2008.  I was skinny, tan, makeup on, & hair done.  To her I was a chubby, pale, no makeup hiding behind my sunglasses & hair in a pony tail kind of girl.

In the end, this is what made me realize that I’ve turned into someone that I’m not & I need to get back to the girl that I used to be.  I don’t want to be that mom that people say “has let herself go” since having kids.  Another truth:  That is one of my biggest fears about this whole thing.  To master being a mom, but not take proper care of myself.  I’m nipping it in the bud & going to exercise now.

If you want to join in, reply in the comments.  Or if you just want to tell me that you know what I’m talking about, reply.  If you are telling me that you don’t relate to what I’m saying & that you hold the current status of being a MILF, I don’t want to hear from you.  Just kidding… but please be nice.  ;)

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The other night I went out with my best friend.  I was so excited & hardly had time to think about what I was going to wear.  After all, it was my first girl’s night out and I was more excited about that so I really forgot to look in my closet to see what I had to wear.

My friend came over and we looked in my closet, trying to find something for me to wear.  I have a lot of clothes… I mean, a lot.  However I do not own any “fat” clothes.

And since I just had a baby, this really sucks.  Big time.

All of my pants range from a size 2 to a size 6.  All of my shirts are x-small or small.  This is the extent of my closet.

Do you have any idea how frustrating it was to look through tons and tons of cute clothes, while knowing damn well that nothing will fit?  Plus, we were going out that night and what was I going to wear?  I surely didn’t want to sport any maternity wear that night.

I had so many shirts that still had the price tags on them.  I bought them right before finding out I was pregnant, so I never had the chance to wear them.  My friend ripped the tag right off of one and wore it.  Oh, it was so cute!

I tried on shirts and they were too snug for my liking.  I knew that I wouldn’t feel comfortable in them, but the real kicker was my favorite pair of jeans.

I held up said jeans and my friend said, “Those were the jeans that you loved?  They look so small.”  I said, “Just for fun I’m going to try them on.”  (And by “fun”, I really meant “torture”.)

Without one word of a lie, the right pant leg fit only to my right knee.  Oh and I guess I’ll be honest and tell you that they were very tight fitting from my right knee down to my ankle.  Why was it that I was pregnant all over my body instead of just in my stomach?

In fear of ripping my favorite jeans, I quickly took those pants off and asked my friend if she wanted to try them on too.  She was a lot smarter than me and quickly said that she didn’t.  Smart, smart girl.

I found another pair of jeans, skinny ones that looked even smaller.  Seriously they looked like they belonged to an 8th grader.  I did not dare put those bad boys on.

So all of that has been excellent motivation for me to exercise.  I have dealt with the postpartum depression.  I understand Monkey’s schedule right now.  I have mastered getting the dishes & laundry done daily.  I have also conquered my nightly glass of wine that I look forward to daily.

Now I am ready to tackle losing all of this damn baby weight.  It grosses me out to way this much, but to feel so flabby.  Yesterday I went to buy a pair of running shoes & everyone (I mean, everyone) at the store was in shape.  Like really toned, skinny, and just perfect.  Ahhh, that used to be me.  (Insert sad face here.)

Instead of getting all sorry for myself though, it provides great motivation for me.  So today is just another day in which I will exercise.  I am determined to lose this baby weight and be in shape… and hopefully (keeping my fingers crossed) fitting back into my beloved True Religion jeans.

PS – Is anyone interested in an online exercise group on the next post where we can just be held accountable for exercising each day.  It helps me to be accountable & perhaps we can learn a thing or two from one another.  It’ll be fun & I hope that it will motivate you to do a little exercise each day too!

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